Pedobear to Kick Off Presidential Run at March to Keep Fear Alive!

My fellow Americans, for too long we have toiled under the oppressive paw of a government that has spiraled out of control in terms of spending, military intervention, and passing laws that circumvent our God-given right not to have to introduce ourselves door-to-door whenever we move into a new neighborhood.

To that end, I am officially taking this opportunity to declare my candidacy for President in 2012!

This October 30th, I will be joining forces with Stephen Colbert and his March to Keep Fear Alive in order to garner support for my bid to be the first Bear, and registered sexual offender, to occupy the Oval Office.

I admit, the trail has been arduous … my opponents have stopped at nothing to smear muck where there once was honey. The land of plenty has changed course over the last ten years … now once bountiful picnic baskets often explode in our faces, our beehives are disappearing, and we are admonished to “Bear with us!” by our feckless leaders.

NO MORE! Now is the time to awaken from our hibernation, to bask in the fresh spring air of CHANGE….to shake off the shackles of the traps laid at our feet by the forces of commislamofascists, AND RISE UP TO THROTTLE OUR OPPRESSORS WITH OUR BEAR HANDS!

JOIN US! This October 30th to send a message to the Den of Representatives, The Senate, and the PRESIDENT HIMSELF … We will not bumble quietly into the night! We will not sleep through the winter of our discontent! We will not accept promises of honey in every pot … only to settle for a few packets of Splenda! We voted for you, we voted for the promise of a new day, and we hoped like hell for a Presidential pardon … BUT WE ARE TIRED OF WAITING! WE ARE TIRED OF BEING TOLD TO “Take it easy”, “Calm down”, and “For fuck’s sake, TAKE YOUR MEDS”!

WE ARE HERE, WE ARE FRIGHTENED, AND WE WILL NOT LISTEN TO LOGIC OR SENSE!

Stephen Colbert has pointed out to us, like a beacon of terror on the shore of tranquility, that there is only a one letter difference between “Reason” and “Treason”, but he neglected to mention that there is only a one letter difference between “Bear” and “Fear”, which is surprising given that Bears apparently scare the bejesus out of him. If we take the B and the F and put them together, then we have “BF” … common internet parlance for “best friend” and proof that PedoBear is on the SIDE OF THE PEOPLE. Of further note, B is three letters away from F, and three is also universally recognized as a symbol of the holy triumvirate; the father, son, and holy ghost. This proves conclusively that Pedobear is GOD’S CANDIDATE and our campaign has the support of the very HIGHEST OFFICE in the land. This also explains the generous outpouring of donations we have received from the Catholic Church.

We will be aligning ourselves with Colbert’s March to Keep Fear Alive, because everyone knows that children, like adults, are more compliant if they are AFRAID. Rush Limbaugh told me that, and it is a message that I drive home at every opportunity.

We stand for the following “Endangered Values”:

• Free Hugs & Candy for the Kids!
• School Reform: Mandatory Phys-Ed for 6 hours every day!
• The name of Meghan’s Law to be changed to “Pedobear’s swell-guy, not dangerous, free candy, fun-time law”
• Chris Hansen’s Birthday to be named a Federal Holiday
• Special diplomatic relations and student exchange with the Vatican
• National anthem to be changed to The Wiggles – “Get Ready to Wiggle!”
• Tax breaks for the rich!

I have already contacted potential members of my cabinet and am happy to announce success in the naming of Fozzie Bear as Secretary of State, Yogi Bear as my Secretary of the Interior, Paddington Bear will serve as Secretary of the Treasury, and Smokey Bear will bring his considerable experience to bear in his new role as Secretary of Defense. He can’t possibly be worse than Donald Rumsfeld.

Please join us on the 30th! Do it for the children!

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Posted by Cevink on October 4, 2010. Filed under Happenings. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry