We open this episode of Game of Thrones with a pair of comedy soldiers gossiping in the rain, because this is Shakespeare after all. Yep, fart joke and a piss, this is Henry V, except it’s an American Direwolf in London.
This smooth fucker who looks a bit too much like Stannis doesn’t get named, thanks, so he’s Lord Flaymate if he shows up again, and Oh dear god battlefield medicine.
Of course, everyone loves a nurse, especially one with a steady hand with a bonesaw. And we get clever, confrontational banter with Robb and Nurse because this is Shakespeare.
Joffrey never looks more like a kid than when he carries a weapon. No, I take that back, it’s the way he wears his crown as if he was Jughead. And Sansa is humiliated and beaten and nearly mock-executed, and we’re back to Striding the Hall with Tyrion, which I think I actually missed.
And the Hound rips off his cloak, because he’s St. Martin and he’s over the moon for Sansa. And Tyrion offers her a dignified exit from this repulsive scene, and she leaves with an icy little zinger. Respect.
And the Hound has been given the even shittier version of Jamie’s old gig outside the door. And here goes a truly hog wild re-interpretation of the source material, as if we somehow needed to think Joffrey was even more of a turd and WHAT THE SHIT.
Oh, she HITS her with it. Seven fucking hells and seven fucking bells, I’m sicker than the writers…
So Renly’s version of Tyrion airily calling Snow “bastard” is calling Baelish “whoremonger”. I like it. Renly’s really enjoying reading Baelish up and down, and here’s his apple, since he is about to get the wisdom from the snake, since this is the book of Genesis and also Bladerunner again.
And since he’s a pimp, Baelish can’t stop himself from working any woman he sees unattended. Queen Marge, who is using Bowie’s costumers from 1983 or so, merrily works him back, and gets the last word.
Good news for the last Khalasar, for all of a minute before Yoren delivers the buzzkill.
And we simply march into Mordor. All the dragons are dead, lest we forget. More mud and rain, since this is Apocalypse Now, and ‘Arry remembers you in her prayers, Joff.
Baelish, faced with Lady Cat, tries the truth for once, and nearly gets what he deserves, since boy does he suck at truth. A pause, he fixes himself, and the lies comes oozing forth. That works like clockwork, and he seals the deal with Ned in a Box.
And ‘Arry is collecting nightmares to keep her old ones company, watching the rat torture in Stall 101. We get it, these guys are bastards, they like being bastards, they’ll get theirs or no, probably not.
Renly’s a funny lad. And he is operatically not taking this shit seriously, and Stannis takes nothing as anything but. And Brienne’s helm makes her look like Ant Man.
The Lost Khalasar, which could fit in a minivan minus the horse, just got called a horde? The 13 apparently fell out of a middling ep of Deep Space 9. And apparently the common tongue of Westeros uses the Qu formation, and the Qarthians are a pack of smirking pedants who use that as a shibboleth.
Do we see the dragons? We see a box. Light on the CGI animation in this ep. Well, Dany’s rant would be pretty well fucked if they saw her adorable widdle dwagons coughing mini-briquettes. Fair enough.
And behold the magnanimity of Tywin Lannister, who can tell skilled labor from mere peasants, and a girl from a boy. Cup bearer?
And since this is the episode that convinced me this whole show is an elaborate excuse for a drinking game, raise a glass for everyone who says Imp and then gets their balls handed to them. Since you don’t get to drink to Tyrion destroying Cersei’s little note. Tyrion has a filing system if none of you other clowns do.
And we are aboard the Sea Bambi. And Davos wastes another joke on Stannis. Less/fewer: Pedant.
Melisandre has a sense of humor. Who knew. And holy fuck, she’s birthed the smoke monster from Lost.
What will they call AKA Gendry after that quick improv ‘Arry dropped last week? Is it going to be a plot point that any of those dopes and dirtbags who are going to be slaves instead of Black Brethren could sell him out for a sip of beer or end his life with a slip of the tongue?
Did the Lost Khalasar take off without the other two riders Dani sent into the wasteland? Did they leave a note? I realize HBO isn’t going to use a real horse in another show again if they can help it.
What is more of a load of shit than being a Stark? Everyone who gives a crap about the Starks hates them. Not a single Stark has gotten laid in two seasons so far, on a show where the top stud is four feet tall.