Tonight’s refreshments are: Shift pale lager, from Colorado’s Fat Tire brewery, and Old Weller 107 Bourbon. If you don’t care for weak lager and are bored with overhopped IPAs, try the Shift. If you hate your liver and can’t be bothered with “smoothness” in your whiskey, Old Weller for you.
Tonight’s episode of Game of Thrones begins with a hastily scrawled note and trouble at the door. Points for Maester Louie’s quick thinking and penmanship under pressure.
Odious Theon never looks like more of a sorry little shit than when he thinks he’s supposed to be given something. Or when he’s bragging. And oh, boy, does he look like a preening twat trying to stay in character while bullying a crippled kid, who never loses his cool. Simple questions from Bran, and bullshit answers from the Prince of Asshole Island.
And Ser Roderick gets an end about as dignified as a curb-stomp from Prince Theon, who barely didn’t puke on that kill. Yep, you are going to rule the north, with your bum-fluff ‘stache and your craggy first mate calling every shot.
And up the frozen river to Jon Snowbastard and Quorin the Other Halfhand, whose pep talks would give Manson a headache.
Tywin the Pedant breaks some balls, and dismisses another underling under threat of probably death. And does Baelish look a servant in the eye? Maybe he does, or maybe he’s just an unspeakable pimp who scrutinizes any female in eyeshot for her erotic utility and potential value.
And we have a semi-successful bushwhack on some wildlings, and Jon Snow is so not going to be able to handle a wiley redhead. Really, if they thought he was going to kill her, they wouldn’t have left him. And across the frozen wastes of CGIceland to wherever Igrytte is leading you…
And away goes Princess Who Cares (Myrcella, I know), as Cersei basically informs Tyrion that she’s going to murder the fuck out of Shae. She has my blessing, of course, since Shae is irritating, but she’s never acknowledged that Tyrion has a meaningful point about the kids’ safety during a siege. And pedantry from Joffrey.
And a riot is an ugly thing. No, I mean a really ugly thing, with the peasantry going George Fucking Romero on Fat Nameless Septon. And Tyrion keeps his wits about him, issuing orders and giving up a little fan service by bitch-slapping Prince Shitface.
And oh, why not more humiliation and degradation for Sansa. Fortunately her knight in shining scar tissue shows up for some more George Romero, raining bloody bowels and slashing throats. The things we do for love. Note Tyrion addressing him as Clegane after this act of stone cold heroism. And do note his reply.
And more god-damned foppery and frippery in Qarth, which is named like a doomed start-up and still looks like a shitty ep of Next Gen. Dany is not of a mood for pedantry either, although frankly there’s a place for it, especially when you are telling a deranged teenager you are not going to stake her a navy.
Jamie has dyslexia. How amusing. And Tywin has your number, little girl. He knows you are a spy, and he probably knows you’re a Stark. Thank goodness you have a foppy ninja man in your debt.
Enter a strutting Robb Stark, preparing to take a mistress in advance of marrying whatever splay-toed cross-eyed genetic backwash he must choose from his cousins. And enter his MOM, in the most epic of cockblocks. And now “news from Winterfell”, which sounds bad however you say it.
And J-Snow is in for a miserable night. She’s not just trying to give you a hard-on with that wiggling, poor lad. That is incidental. She’s also working loose of that last-minute gift wrap attempt at shibari that you trussed her up in. Sweet dreams.
And Robb gets the news we knew was coming from minute one of the ep. Fucking Greyjoys. Best line of the night? “Because the Greyjoys are treasonous whores.” That’s going to be my answer to every stupid question for the rest of the week. And Lord Flaymate gets his own bastard a subcontract for taking back Winterfell. This will end well.
Our full-frontal this week is courtesy of Tonks, and I’m sorry but that is delicious. Tonks can handle Theon, who goes all marble-eyed at the offer of a serving girl’s body. You know, like a prince and a military leader would.
And poor Sansa needs a friend so bad she wants to trust Shae. And Shae is clearly scared. It’s all going to shit in King’s Landing.
TONKS, you rule. These Asshole Islanders have never seen the likes of you. And off into the night go Theon Snore-Bringer’s only hostages, dire wolves taking the rear.
And all has gone to shit for the Even-More-Lost Khalasar. And all the dragon CGI we get this week is some tail wagging, as Dany’s only leverage gets lugged up a stairwell. Is it the Guild Navigators? Is it the cool mask mystery women? Is it going to make Dany’s storyline interesting? I can dream.