Game of Thrones S4 E32: The Lion and the Rose, or The Blood and the Mucus

We begin our second episode of Game of Thrones with Barry the Bastard playing at his usual outdoor amusement of chasing folks through the fresh woodland air with arrows. He has a chick with him, which couldn’t be much more distressing, and Our Theon of Sorrows is gamely attempting to keep up in spite of the altered gait issues resulting from having his kraken hacked off.

And he has a couple of slavering mastiff-type doggies with him, and oh… oh dear…

I don’t think I’ve spent little enough time discussing the intricacies of the sound design on this show. Let’s not start by talking about what a great job they’ve done conveying the off-camera dogs eating a screaming innocent thing here.

So yes, Barry’s still a piece of shit. And look, sausages!

If there’s a more fucked-up relationship in this entire mess than Jaime and Tyrion, I defy you to bring it to my attention. Being Lannisters, they can’t openly show their compassion for each other, everything must be managed through a tonal language of sneering abuse.

With Towering Pod dismissed, they share a stiff and secret moment: Jaime’s left hand isn’t worth shit to him. Having had a few surgical interventions on my dominant hand, I can attest. Really, just for laughs, tomorrow you should try to wipe your ass with the other hand. You will guard your good hand like a newborn for the rest of the day.

Tyrion, who is used to finding ways around his physical shortcomings, gives the expected advice and tells Jaime to embrace an executive role. Good idea, but too soon. And oh, wonderful day, it is Bronn to the rescue.

I will take a moment here, since this is early in the season, to discuss the notion of “respecting the source material”. Since those of us who have slaved through the books are aware that Bronn getting this gig is an elision. I’m going to say this once. The source material is a shelf-bending magic & dragons fantasy reboot of the War of the Roses. With a few hundred named characters. Really, if you want to see this brought to life in a visual medium, you must suck it up and allow the people who have to actually make this happen using human beings and a budget to make a few little adjustments. Honestly, you are getting all the benefits here at nearly zero cost, so please focus on the real problems in your life and save your wrath for when they really fuck something up.

And besides, Bronn is fantastic. Anything that gets him more screen time is a win for everyone. As evidenced by the little bit we get to see of him tough-love training Jaime.

And back in Bolton’s Flayland, we have a homecoming. (Barry and Ruthven are chums; who the fuck would have guessed…) And we get to see Barry the Bastard abusively manipulated for once, which is fun. But in the midst of it all, we get to see how hard Barry is willing to fight for his dad’s approval, to the point of testing the limits of Theon’s submission with a razor at his throat.

And Ruthven gets sent on a wild goose chase, hopefully into Ice Zombie territory, and Barry gets sent to get a taste of Theon’s sis and her Ironborn chosen men. Have fun, guys.

And in the sunny gardens of King’s Landing, Varys gives Tyrion the heads-up that Fucking Shae is on the hit list. And it’s the rehearsal party for Joff’s wedding, so all and sundry are lining up to kiss his narrow ass. Tyrion gets confirmation of Varys’ warning, and Joff behaves like a spoiled kid with a good nanny, until he doesn’t.

And Tyrion does what he has to in order to get Shae on the boat. It’s not pretty, but the truth didn’t work.

And off at Storm’s End, Mel is burning a couple of inconvenient Baratheons for the Red god. And more fun with Stannis, his horrid wife, and the gut-churning power dynamic between them. Which poor sweet Selyse gets a taste of, since she doesn’t have enough problems.

Bran is dealing with his own troubles by warging. Jojen has a lot to say about that, not a word of which would dissuade me from warging the hell out of my big bad wolf.

By the way, even with Hodor for perspective, it’s clear that Bran is edging on six feet tall. And Bran grabs some tree and gets a preview of coming attractions. North it is, tree whisperer.

And that’s it for the folks who got shorted last week; time for another wedding!

Marge looks spectacular, Joff looks like a smug cunt, and all in attendance look like they want a stiff drink and an end to this charade. And we get a gorgeous walk & talk with Tywin and Lady O.

The wedding party looks like a decent Ren Faire anywhere, with a little extra hot contortionist action. (Pod appreciates.) And Joff is as sick of po-faced versions of the Rains of Castermere as the rest of us. Good. And damn, Lady O gets all the good lines.

Who else gets to face off? Jaime and Slow Loras, Brienne and the head table (to the strains of The Bear and the Maiden Fair), and holy crap, Cersei decides now is the time to read Brienne for filth.

Cersei is on a tear, apparently, and gives Pycelle a dressing down just for laughs. Her smirk lasts until Prince O and his hotness step in and deliver some stone cold chillers.

What next? The Spinal Tap set dressing lions open their maws and disgorge… Comedy dwarves! Doing a filthy burlesque of the war that Joff spent hiding in safety! In front of the surviving family and comrades of the fallen! COMIC GENIUS! So edgy…

Joff of course isn’t through, and decides his nuts are so big he can humiliate Tyrion at another wedding. In this case, Uncle T is sober enough to throw some surgically precise shade, however. Joff responds with dumped goblet (note that only other person smiling is Cersei).

Said goblet bounces around the floor and table until we get a seething standoff between Joff and Tyrion that is only broken by Maergery Golightly’s cheery heralding of the fucking pie. Which Joff cuts with the most vulgar imaginable use of the scion of Ned Stark’s war sword.

What happens next is the fulfillment of the dreams of so many: That little shit Joff dies in agony. How doesn’t really matter, it just feels so right. Once scarcely notices Sansa being shuttled off, or the never before seen bafflement on Tywin’s face. Or Cersei shoving Jaime away from his stricken son.

In the end all you see is the blood and the mucus, the hemorrhaging, the gaze fixed and unfocused. You see a little shit who died hard, and deserved worse. Surrounded by powerful, devious, resourceful people who hated his guts.

And Tyrion, about to take the fall. Should have gotten on that boat with Fucking Shae, Half Man.

Shortlink:

Posted by Will Judy on April 13, 2014. Filed under Headline, Popcorn. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry