Our latest episode of Game of Thrones begins with the well-received coronation of King Tommen “Baratheon” I, who by virtue of not being a psychopath or a boozing whoremaster is the best king to show up for the job in 50 years. If I was a courtier witnessing these events, my next stop would be the docks, to beg for passage across the nearest sea.
We are further treated to the sight of Pycelle hobbling up the steps, clanking like Marley’s Ghost, and oh look it’s Varys. Where the hell has Varys been?
And we get a lovely dance with Marge and Cersei, who are trading ugly truths and utter bullshit in equal helpings. Two beautiful women, who both hate and need each other, coming to an understanding. It’s kind of hot.
Across the sea, in Dany’s villa above the strip, the brain trust is looking to the next fight. Which, given their current assets, could easily be King’s Landing. Of course, that means walking away from the mess that they’ve made over the course of the glorious revolution.
Dany, in a moment of mind-scorching rationality, elects to stick around and figure out how to be a competent administrator. I can’t even. And then she strides out onto her sun-kissed balcony in her sundress, in case anyone forgot that she is fine as hell.
On the goatpath of doom leading to the elevator to the Eyrie, Lord Baelish is dropping wisdom and Sansa is looking about 15 years too grown. It’s the hood. And maybe the fact that she’s a foot taller than Scratchy the Pimp.
Sansa cannot catch a break here. She can’t have realized that she had a good deal going with Tyrion until she got to the Overlook Hotel and her batshit crazy relations.
And if you are looking for the worst villain of this entire story, let’s shine a little light on Lord Petyr the Poisoner. Who set this entire mess in motion by arranging the murder of Jon Arryn, the attempted silencing of Bran Stark, and the betrayal of Ned Stark. And god knows, probably the murder of Fat Bob Baratheon, and now Joff. Well, fuck it, let’s give him a Mulligan on Joff.
It’s impossible to feel sorry for Baelish, of course, but he did have to make Lysa squeal all night.
Back in the dusty sunlight of King’s Landing, Tywin and Cersei are finally on the same page, which leads to some ugly revelations about the family finances. The Lannisters, it would seem, are not in a position to pay their debts. Except maybe to Tyrion.
Out on the road, Arya needs to update her kill list by at least one name.
And getting laid does not help Lysa chill out at all, sadly. And now Sansa know that her benefactor is a pimp and her auntie is a headcase who intends to marry her to her drooling titty-baby. That hole in the conference room floor must be looking like an escape hatch.
And on Hampstead Heath, Brienne and Pod are having a rough start.
Arya, once again in possession of her pigsticker, is limbering up with some Braavosi tai chi by the riverside. The Hound is unimpressed, and happy to point out that artistry and skill are not a straight-up match for an armored seven-foot murderer. Tough love, Hound.
Another walk in the gardens, and another Lannister working to co-opt Prince O. He must feel like the prettiest girl in school these days.
Pod and Brienne are still in the getting acquainted phase; luckily they are both guileless, so things move quickly. Yes, she’s getting a squire with a limited skillset outside of bartending, but he’s loyal and brave enough to waste a member of the Kingsguard for swinging on Tyrion. Respect.
Meanwhile in the frozen hell of Craster Ranch, Ruthven is sneaking and Jojen Reed has come unstuck in time.
And bloody is the price of oathbreaking, as the Night’s Watch fixes a big old pot of renegade sauce. And Ruthven gets his repellent head Hodored nearly off his shoulders.
And it turns out that the set-up for Jon and Bran meeting up here was just another missed connection, which is fucking great. WHY WAS THIS NITB HORSESHIT FILMED? How did this advance the plot, develop characters, elide narrative excesses? What was the point of this?
Well, we do get some swordplay, and we get to see Karl sword-fucked through his spine, and Rast gets to be puppy chow. That’s satisfying, but it wasn’t relevant before they introduced this pointless subplot.
I’m assuming that the payoff for this is that it allows Jon Snow to return to Castle Black with some cred as a leader and fighter, and his loyal giant dog. That works. Still not sure why Bran & Co. had to be here.
I will stop bitching now, since I wanted ownage and dragons this week and at least I got ownage. Next week looks like Theon’s hot sister and dragons. I’m still on board.