Our finale episode of this (half) season of HBO’s Game of Thrones begins with a very orderly display of massive power outside the walls of King’s Landing. And then a rather disorderly one. The Unsullied and the Dothraki probably don’t mix much off the battlefield.
So it appears that everyone is here for the big meetup, including such unpopular items as the Hound (deserter), Varys (deserter), Tyrion (fugitive multiple kinslayer), Theon (THEON), and Pod (wait, everyone loves Pod). Our venue is the old Targaryen dragon kennel, which is an odd choice for Cersei, since it hearkens back to the height of Dany’s family’s power. Although as Tyrion points out, it was a bit of a joke at the end, as evidenced by the fox-sized dragon skulls littering the place.
Anyhow, everyone gets settled under their awnings to wait for Dany’s inevitable power entrance. The Clegane boys manage a quick staredown and boom, double dragon diva time. Cersei manages to appear unimpressed.
Tyrion leads off, and is immediately cut off by Euron, who doesn’t have much impulse control. Cersei settles him down, Tyrion continues with the opening statement, and hands off to Jon and his stump speech (dead v. living, we are living, all come together for big win). Cersei scoffs pretty hard at this, so it’s on to the main presentation. Only instead of a dull PowerPoint deck, we have Screechy the Wight.
(Qyburn of course is loving this. He so wants his own wight to play with.)
The demo with Screechy is most impactful; even Euron seems to be taking things seriously. Cersei is on board, contingent on certain demands, which Jon of course cannot honorably consent to. So Cersei walks.
Brienne, whose presence is negated by Jon anyway, is left with nothing to do but watch the souffle collapse. This does not sit well, so she buttonholes Jaime, for all the good that will do.
Meanwhile, everyone is pissed at Jon and it’s gonna be Tyrion who tries to save the pitch. So off he goes, in the omnipresent shadow of the Mountain, to sit in a room with Queen Murderbitch the First until she agrees to act against her own interests. Good times.
Cersei takes the opportunity to blame Tyrion for every single Lannister misfortune, including Tommen’s suicide. Tyrion counters by literally sticking his neck out, and somehow Cersei blinks. He’ll drink to that. And he’ll catch her protecting her midsection…
Back at the pit, Jon & Dany are flirting, and somehow Tyrion has closed the deal with Cersei. OK then.
Up north at Winterfell, Sansa is alone in a room with Scratchy the Pimp, who is putting the finishing touches on the rift between the Stark siblings. And at Dragonstone, Jon is putting himself on a slow boat with Dany.
And we get an emotional scene with Theon & Jon, in which Theon’s many sins are at least partially forgiven, and Theon’s course of action is decided. We then get to watch Theon get the shit kicked out of him, which is not exactly a thrill to behold. But he rallies, gets his Ironborn back behind him, and it’s off on a hopeless mission to save Yara they go. Godspeed, boys.
Back at Winterfell, Sansa has convened a kangaroo court for… Lord Petyr Baelish! The evidence presented is shaky at best, and includes a number of things Sansa might have mentioned years ago. Also I think Bran’s visions count as hearsay. But it is all true, and lays bare that Scratchy is the author of the crimes that have driven the plot from the beginning.
And he gets a cold end on a cold floor, his throat neatly slashed with his own blade. Hail and farewell, Scratchy. You didn’t deserve better.
Down south at King’s Landing, Cersei is walking back on all her promises and Jaime is pissed. And the Mountain hasn’t gotten to kill any Lannisters this ep, and I bet it’s bugging him. (And the first flurry of winter is here.)
And it turns out Sam didn’t miss that detail about Rhaegar and Lyanna being secretly married after all, and now Bran knows. Which makes it all the stranger when we cut to Aegon lustily fucking his aunt Dany.
What else does Bran know? That Eastwatch has fallen, probably taking Beric Dondarrion and Tormund down with it. And he knows ice zombie dragons breathe nuclear Godzilla fire.
And that’s it for Season 7, part 1. Let’s hope that endless army of ice zombies marches really damn slow.