Infernal Affairs
By Rev. Thomas Thorn
May 10, 2004

Welcome pilgrims, to the first installment of my new column for Blue Blood. For those of you who don’t know me, I was born a Satanist and have spent the lion’s share of the last few decades searching far and wide for palpable pleasures and arcane amusements. My mission within the confines of this forum will be to share my most recent demonically delicious discoveries with you, the true seekers of the hellishly hip. These gems will be mined from all manner of pop-culture quarries, ranging from music and books to toys and clothing. Read on and you shall be enlightened (or should I say endarkened?).

They say the Devil always has the best tunes...and who am I to argue? The first disc that is getting serious rotation in my cd player is a new release by Peter H. Gilmore entitled “Threnody for Humanity” from Adversary Recordings. Gilmore is the man who currently holds the reigns as High Priest of the Church of Satan. Like his predecessor, he is also an accomplished keyboardist. Unlike the nostalgic and often burlesque stylings of Dr. LaVey, Gilmore’s music is a unique blend of neo-classical and horror-movie soundtrack. The resulting hybrid sounds like Danny Elfman thumb-wrestling with John Williams at a Black Mass - powerful and poignant yet manic and joyful while remaining thoroughly ominous. Adversary (www.adversaryrecordings.com) has also re-issued LaVey’s long-out-print “Satan Takes A Holiday” as well as the infamous “Satanic Mass” recorded at the Black House in the late 60s...all mandatory music for any sacrilegious swinger’s Den of Iniquity.

On the other end of the spectrum we have “Scars of the Crucifix” by seasoned veterans of the death metal war on god, Deicide. After ten years creating some of the most gloriously evil music in existence, this new album, their first for Earache (www.earache.com), finds them back at the top of their game. Underscored by brilliant production, songs like “Conquered by Sodom” and “When Heaven Burns” roar and lurch like freight trains straight from the bowels of hell, crushing everything in their path. An added (and abundantly amusing) bonus is the inclusion of the DVD “Behind the Scars - under the skin of Deicide”- a half-hour romp through trailer parks, casinos, recording studios, gun ranges, and hotel rooms that doesn’t answer many questions but nonetheless succeeds in carving a place in even the most hardened heart for these happy hate-mongers.

In keeping with the Easter spirit, I made an Ash Wednesday altar-call at the premiere of Mel Gibson’s “The Passion of the Christ”. Anyone with an ax to grind against the cursed “savior of mankind”or the centuries of oppression his so-called teachings have spawned is bound to enjoy this movie, because Jesus takes a hell of a beating. This film is non-stop ultraviolence from start to finish...so relentlessly realistic that it’s guaranteed to have even the most jaded sadist wincing by the time the credits roll. Gorgeous cinematography and lavish sets populated by blood-thirsty mobs, cruel centurions, and menacing midgets make this flick the ultimate in eye-candy. Rosalinda Celentano’s appearances as an eerily androgynous Satan only fan the flames of malevolence that flicker throughout the film. If church was like this, I’d go every Sunday.

If your religious passion seeks an outlet of a naughtier nature, then check out the silicone relics at www.divine-interventions.com. Their line of sacred sex-toys includes nuns, devils, Moses, Mary, Judas...there’s even a Baby Jesus Buttplug (perfect for any Easter basket)! They make a Buddha for those in search of more esoteric delights and a Grim Reaper for petit mort enthusiasts, but beware the fury of the Jackhammer Jesus...a cruciform powertool that promises to blur the line between agony and ecstasy.

If your taste in toys takes a more traditional path but still embraces the realm of the erotic, you’ll definitely want to include the infamous “Devil Girls,” modeled in miniature from the drawings of the artist Coop, in your collection. These curvaceous cartoon cuties (available at www.coopstuff.com) are hand-painted, cold-cast porcelain in a variety of sizes and poses. They’re guaranteed to turn any knickknack shelf or curio cabinet into an unholy pantheon. These luscious ladies are limited editions, so get ‘em while they’re hot.

As long as I’m on the subject of diabolical drawings, I may as well drop a plug for a groovy new horror comic called the Book of Legion (www.legionsden.com). The brainchild of Ryan Mojica, an experienced master of illustrated mayhem, each book features stories and artwork by artists and writers paired by Satan himself and narrated throughout by the apocalyptic rantings of an insane monk. Who could ask for more? Number Two, “The Second Coming”, features a story penned by none other than Tom Sullivan of the splatter-classic “Evil Dead”.

Speaking of bloodsports, it seems that hockey-style tunics are all the rage these days and the folks at PunkAssGear (www.punkassgear.com) are doing their part to keep us evil-doers dressed to the nines. They’ve got a sick selection of jerseys featuring an assortment of symbols and slogans (pentagrams, Satan Loves You, etc.), all with the ever-popular triple six emblazoned on the back. It’s springtime in Sodom and this is definitely what the well-dressed devil-dude will be sporting this season.

In closing, I’ll take a minute to sing the praises of a couple recent acquisitions to the library that is slowly consuming what remains of my living space. “How to be a Villain - evil laughs, secret lairs, master plans and more!!!” by Neil Zawacki (Chronicle Books) is a brilliant manual for aspiring arch-fiends. Chock full of clever quotes and anecdotes, it’s a straight forward how-to guide on everything from choosing an evil name to selecting your henchmen (winged monkeys anyone?). The tastefully- retro packaging and illustrations give it a timeless look that won’t seem out of place in a stack of antiquated spellbooks and grimoires.

On the flipside of this literary coin is a tome of greater gravity quite lacking in the levity of the afore-mentioned text. “Evil - An Investigation” by Lance Morrow (Basic Books) is heavy reading, but well worth the exercise. An essayist for TIME magazine since the mid-sixties, Morrow draws upon his vast knowledge and personal experiences to explore evil in every aspect: from the shadowy to the sensational, from Caligula to Columbine. It’s a challenging task and demands a serious commitment on the part of the reader, but that seems to be the case with anything ultimately rewarding. This is unparalleled food for thought for any fellow traveler on the road to the heart of darkness. If you have discovered or created something unusual or eclectic that literally screams for inclusion in this column, feel free to call it to my attention via revthorn@electrichell.com.