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Thread: Let me help you.

  1. #1

    Default Let me help you.

    Ok, this is how it works.

    You ask me a question and wait for my answer, sometimes I'm going to need more details in order to get it to work, but the simple questions mostly don't need any extra info. You can ask whatever you want, when you'll meet the love of your life, what's your lucky national lotto number, about your health, kids, job. Whatever comes to your mind. And I'll try to help you with the power of magic and tarot.

    Ask away. And tarot be with you.

  2. #2
    malcolm's Avatar the bored one.
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    Default Re: Let me help you.

    Where do baby smurfs come from?

  3. #3
    Ajax Knucklebones's Avatar God fearing atheist
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    Default Re: Let me help you.

    Will I get a good raise this year?

  4. #4
    Morning Glory's Avatar Apathetic Voter
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    Default Re: Let me help you.

    why do I like touching rusty spoons?

  5. #5
    DPietz's Avatar Member
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    Default Re: Let me help you.

    What is the average airspeed of an unladen swallow?

  6. #6
    Senior Member
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    Default Re: Let me help you.

    Who won the english football cup in 1949?

  7. #7

    Default Re: Let me help you.

    Quote Originally Posted by malcolm
    Where do baby smurfs come from?
    Well... there are, as we all know, rumors that they are smurfed up by smurfaziods. But, so far there's only one baby smurf that came along on a blue moon. Other than that only origin of Smurfete is known.

    If you want answer revealed to you, then you have to watch Smurfs every Saturday morning for 4 weeks at exactly 3:37am. 5 episodes at the time and after that I'll come in to your dream and reveal the secret. You MUST follow exacly what I said otherwise this will not work.

  8. #8

    Default Re: Let me help you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ajax Knucklebones
    Will I get a good raise this year?
    *opens tarot*
    This looks bad for you. But, I might be able to help you if you follow my instruction. I'll send the good energy towards you that will guide you to your goal.



    Press in the middle of the target with your left hand middle finger and repeat 12 times loud: "Tarzan is the king of my Jungle" and you will feel strange for a second after it. That's just my energy, don't worry. All will be fine if you followed my exact instructions and raise will come somewhere in late August.

  9. #9

    Default Re: Let me help you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Morning Glory
    why do I like touching rusty spoons?
    You know very well why and do you really want to discuss this here?

  10. #10

    Default Re: Let me help you.

    Quote Originally Posted by DPietz
    What is the average airspeed of an unladen swallow?
    You don't joke with the Tarot. It might have serious consequences. Ask a serious question about the future instead.

    As for the question everybody knows it lies around 10 m/s. It's common sense.

  11. #11

    Default Re: Let me help you.

    Quote Originally Posted by DJ Bat
    Who won the english football cup in 1949?
    I'll say it again. Ask only serious question or you'll feel the wrath of Tarot. It's nothing to joke about.

  12. #12
    Ajax Knucklebones's Avatar God fearing atheist
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    Default Re: Let me help you.

    I did what you said Olix and I did start to feel a weird sensation coming over my body. It was like a became in a trance. The next thing I knew I was at this place....


    Buying a bunch of these fuckers...

    What the fuck, man!?!?! Now I have no money to pay off some of my debt. I spent all my fuckin' hard earned cash on these stuffed blue fuckers!!!! I hope you go to Hell, you scam artist for over-priced franchise department stores!

  13. #13

    Default Re: Let me help you.

    O my Tarot, you have black magic in your house. I should get my tools ready to dispel the magic immediately. I'll get back to you as soon as possible. Make sure to have one banana, one egg and one potato ready. They'll be needed for the ritual.

  14. #14
    malcolm's Avatar the bored one.
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    Default Re: Let me help you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ajax Knucklebones
    I did what you said Olix and I did start to feel a weird sensation coming over my body. It was like a became in a trance. The next thing I knew I was at this place....


    Buying a bunch of these fuckers...

    What the fuck, man!?!?! Now I have no money to pay off some of my debt. I spent all my fuckin' hard earned cash on these stuffed blue fuckers!!!! I hope you go to Hell, you scam artist for over-priced franchise department stores!
    roflmao........oh i have another question:

    what is the answer to everything in the unvierse?

  15. #15

    Default Re: Let me help you.

    Quote Originally Posted by malcolm
    roflmao........oh i have another question:

    what is the answer to everything in the unvierse?
    Tarot, of course.

    Ajax, are you ready?

  16. #16
    Nos's Avatar Senior Member
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    Default Re: Let me help you.

    Will I get that job in L.A. ?

  17. #17

    Default Re: Let me help you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Nos
    Will I get that job in L.A. ?
    Yes, a tall man with blond hair around 40 will help you get a job at the popular coffee bar. He drives a vintage gray-brownish car. You actually need to go to LA in order to meet him. When you see him you'll know it's him but you yourself need to initialize the talk.

  18. #18
    malcolm's Avatar the bored one.
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    Default Re: Let me help you.

    Quote Originally Posted by OliX
    Tarot, of course.

    Ajax, are you ready?
    nope. it's 42. and don't forget to bring your towel. always bring your towel.

  19. #19

    Default Re: Let me help you.

    That is what Tarot showed me.

  20. #20
    malcolm's Avatar the bored one.
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    Default Re: Let me help you.

    touchee'

  21. #21

    Default Re: Let me help you.

    Quote Originally Posted by malcolm
    nope. it's 42. and don't forget to bring your towel. always bring your towel.
    Don't blame me for what is about to happen to you. I already warned you to not mock the Tarot.

  22. #22
    malcolm's Avatar the bored one.
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    Default Re: Let me help you.

    Holy Hecate! i'm shaking in my pointed boots lol

  23. #23
    Ajax Knucklebones's Avatar God fearing atheist
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    Default Re: Let me help you.

    Quote Originally Posted by OliX
    Tarot, of course.

    Ajax, are you ready?
    I didn't have a banana. Will a cucumber and a bottle of banana ripple do?

  24. #24

    Default Re: Let me help you.

    It has to be a banana since the magic used on your house is mainly voodoo. You know who I'm talking about. I'll do my part of ritual now but in order for you to finish it you must have a banana.

    Here is what you should do:

    Place the banana on the computer when you go to sleep and let it stay there over night. In the morning first thing you should do is take that banana, potato and egg, make sure they don't touch each other, and go outside. Bury the potato in the ground, break a egg over it and stand direct above it and eat the banana while concentrating on consuming all the black magic it accumulated over night. Last and most important step is to make sure that banana doesn't end up in your toilet after it goes trough your digestive system. Make sure to take shit at your work or at neighbors house for next couple days so the magic doesn't return to you. This is a must. You'll feel strange relief as soon as it leaves your system.
    When you get rid of the black magic in your house you'll be able to move forward in your life and to your raise.

  25. #25
    Aza's Avatar Extradimensional Penguin
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    Default Re: Let me help you.

    How much MORE wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck bought a ChuckoŽ automatic wood-chucker?

  26. #26

    Default Re: Let me help you.

    Woodchuck can't chuck.

    From now on I'm answering only serious questions.

  27. #27
    Mr Karl's Avatar Senior Member
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    Default Re: Let me help you.

    Quote Originally Posted by OliX


    . And tarot be with you.

    ?????.......................

  28. #28
    malcolm's Avatar the bored one.
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    Default Re: Let me help you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Aza
    How much MORE wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck bought a ChuckoŽ automatic wood-chucker?
    i'd assume a woodchuck could chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood with a chucko wood chucker,chuck.

  29. #29

    Default Re: Let me help you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Karl
    ?????.......................
    You gotta appreciate a little bit of tarot.

    Take your chance and ask away, for the better future.

  30. #30
    Ajax Knucklebones's Avatar God fearing atheist
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    Default Re: Let me help you.

    Quote Originally Posted by OliX
    It has to be a banana since the magic used on your house is mainly voodoo. You know who I'm talking about. I'll do my part of ritual now but in order for you to finish it you must have a banana.

    Here is what you should do:

    Place the banana on the computer when you go to sleep and let it stay there over night. In the morning first thing you should do is take that banana, potato and egg, make sure they don't touch each other, and go outside. Bury the potato in the ground, break a egg over it and stand direct above it and eat the banana while concentrating on consuming all the black magic it accumulated over night. Last and most important step is to make sure that banana doesn't end up in your toilet after it goes trough your digestive system. Make sure to take shit at your work or at neighbors house for next couple days so the magic doesn't return to you. This is a must. You'll feel strange relief as soon as it leaves your system.
    When you get rid of the black magic in your house you'll be able to move forward in your life and to your raise.
    So I went out first thing this morning and got a banana at the store. I did exactly what you told me to do. As I was staring at the egg yolk on the ground, concentrating, and eating my banana, I did not notice the scary ass dog slowly creeping up to me. Out of no where, the dog lunged at my banana. With his sharp teeth, not only did he grab the banana, but he also grabbed a piece of my pinky finger with it. I immediately fell to the ground, writhing in pain, bleeding everywhere. After the dog woofed down the banana, he immediately licked up the egg yolk off the ground. I don't think that egg yolk was good for his stomach because he then let out the nastiest dog fart I've ever smelt. In fact, it was as if someone nailed me in the eyes with pepper spray. They burned so bad. Between my scorched eyeballs and my bleeding finger, I was screaming in pain. Next, the dog starting digging up the fuckin' potato, chucking dirt all in my face. He swallowed the potato in one bite. I thought the nightmare was over, but as the dog was walking away, he turned his head at me, his eyes turned fiery red and he bellowed in satanic garble, "You should know better then fucking with voodoo, asshole!"

    This has been the worst experience of my life, and to boot, because I spent all my money on the damn stuffed Smurfs, I couldn't even go to the emergency room. I used a crappy band-aid for my finger....

    So, what kind of masochist are you anyway, Olix? For my trouble, I've got a mangled finger, blood-shot burning eyes, and a garage full of stuffed animal Smurfs. I mean, come on...WTF?!?!?

  31. #31
    Dusk's Avatar Senior Member
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    Default Re: Let me help you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Aza
    How much MORE wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck bought a ChuckoŽ automatic wood-chucker?
    How much wood could a woodchuch chuck if that woodchuck was Chuck Norris. All of it xD

    Any way my question is will I ever get a job taht actually lets me work so I can have money?

  32. #32

    Default Re: Let me help you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ajax Knucklebones
    This has been the worst experience of my life, and to boot, because I spent all my money on the damn stuffed Smurfs, I couldn't even go to the emergency room. I used a crappy band-aid for my finger....

    So, what kind of masochist are you anyway, Olix? For my trouble, I've got a mangled finger, blood-shot burning eyes, and a garage full of stuffed animal Smurfs. I mean, come on...WTF?!?!?
    This is more serious than I thought, we need to meet immediately. I'll be on the first plane to Florida. I'm bringing only my best Hawaiian shirts. Make sure there's enough room for them, we need them all.

    I suspect that you might the one..... of the three.... that were from that other guy originally, but became like the first ones. You know. But we need to do a very old and rare ritual under strange conditions to make sure of it. Those conditions happen every 99 years. And next one is just in couple days. Is it just a coincidence or might it be a prophecy fulfilling? We will find out soon.

    You must prepare right away. To cleanse you from bad karma you must kiss picture of a any mongoloid 13 times 3 times a day. One hour after or before the meal.

    For unwanted interfering of demons, ghosts and such you should bathe in goat milk as much as possible. It has to be Zhongwei Cashmere goat found in the desert around Gansu province in China. If you can't get one then you could always go with rat milk but do you know how many rats you need to keep away just your grandgrandfather. I mean... rats.

    Vampyrs shouldn't be a problem.There aren't many in Florida.

    To prepare you for the connection with divine you must eat exactly 800 grams of bananas every day. That way you'll have less chance to die in the process and to recover faster..... if you survive that is. I mean it's not like you would die, but there's a slight chance. I'm just mentioning. Bananas, remember!

    For the ritual it self we need a goat. Cashmere one will do BUT if you've decided to go with the rats, for whatever crazy reason you had, then any other goat will do. That's for the sacrifice.

    We need a "wicked one". Make sure you order a birthday clown for the whole Saturday. Others are "artist", "beggar" and the "hooker". Those shouldn't be hard to obtain. I'll bring other needed items. Some of them are very rare and precious. Like the dragon ball I obtained from the mountains in Peru. Do you know how much they weight, and trough what I had to go to neuter a sleeping dragon.

    I guess we see each other very soon. Let the Tarot be with us.

  33. #33
    Ajax Knucklebones's Avatar God fearing atheist
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    Default Re: Let me help you.

    I already own a Zhongwei Cashmere goat. His name is Rufus. But I'll be damned if I'm gonna let you come to my house. As it is, I went out to my garage a few hours ago and this shit was in there...

    And two hours ago, my wife's job sent her home because they said she didn't look too good. Too good? Jebus Christ, LOOK AT HER...




    I mean, what the Hell is going on here Olix? I just wanted a raise!

  34. #34
    malcolm's Avatar the bored one.
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    Default Re: Let me help you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ajax Knucklebones
    Jebus Christ, LOOK AT HER...



    I'd still hit that.

  35. #35
    nathanmbailey's Avatar Batteries not included
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    Default Re: Let me help you.

    Will I ever not get fucked over by the US Army? And if it's unavoidable, what can I do to return the fuckage?

  36. #36

    Default Re: Let me help you.

    Quote Originally Posted by nathanmbailey
    Will I ever not get fucked over by the US Army? And if it's unavoidable, what can I do to return the fuckage?
    You know what has to be done.

    For starters, you need to cast a antifuckage spell. Will look in to it more soon.

    Praised be the Tarot.

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