Tales From the Barricade (pt. 2)

[Rockwulf]

My pants after the fact. I had my dad take pictures as evidence when I got to my folks' house:

[Rockwulf]

Dear Middle-Aged Drunk Chicks,

The vast majority of you are not sexy anymore. Not on your best day, let alone sloppy drunk and falling all over yourselves. Nobody wants to see your wrinkled titties and certainly not in exchange for better seats at the risk of our jobs. Knock it off! You may think you're part of the sexy MILF/Cougar pack but you're just gross. Trust me, if you're sexy enough for us to be interested, you'll know by our interest and not our immediately blowing you off like you've been getting thus far.

On the other hand, the few, the VERY few of you that are sexy enough to pull that off, can keep it up. And thanks for hangin' in there.

-Rockwulf

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Concert Goers in General,

When attempting to access a restricted area you should have credentials. If you don't have credentials, but you know you should, talk to the box office; your name will be on a list if someone wants you there.

If you don't have credentials, and know you're not supposed to be there, don't even bother. I don't care that you know the name of the manager of my company, or that your cousin is good friends with Lemmy from Motorhead and you hang out with the band all the time. If you're that good of a friend to the band, your name will be on a list, or at the very least you'll have somebody's cell phone number that you can call. Otherwise, if you're a nobody, venue security doesn't give a fuck.

When attempting to bribe a guard, anything less than $50 is an insult, and will be treated as such.

One final note, girls attempting to use hotness to get past us, it only works on rookies. We know that you're not about to drop to your knees and blow us on the spot to get into the pit, so don't bother.

Thanks for listening and enjoy the show,
-Rockwulf

[OliX]

If I hate something then thats those rookie bouncers that act though. I hate spending my time on getting to know each other. Why would I like to hang out with someone that just came to work? But still, I play nice and I'm always kindly busy.

Shit, it's happening again. Been here for almost 7 years and people are already starting to recognize me everywhere. God damn! I enjoyed being anonymous for a while.

Now the history is repeating it self again. In last place I lived 7 years in a row. In the end everybody knew about me, but I just couldn't bother to know everyone. Who can remember all those names and all those people. Ummmm... I just got an idea, I'll use it and abuse it and see how far I can get.

[Rockwulf]

If I hate something then thats those rookie bouncers that act though. I hate spending my time on getting to know each other. Why would I like to hang out with someone that just came to work? But still, I play nice and I'm always kindly busy.

Shit, it's happening again. Been here for almost 7 years and people are already starting to recognize me everywhere. God damn! I enjoyed being anonymous for a while.

Now the history is repeating it self again. In last place I lived 7 years in a row. In the end everybody knew about me, but I just couldn't bother to know everyone. Who can remember all those names and all those people. Ummmm... I just got an idea, I'll use it and abuse it and see how far I can get.

Wait, what?

[OliX]

"One final note, girls attempting to use hotness to get past us, it only works on rookies."

This reminded me of those rookie bouncers.

[Rockwulf]

ATTENTION CONCERT GOERS,

I HAVE A GREAT IDEA FOR YOU! PUT DOWN YOUR FUCKING CAMERAS AND CELL PHONES AND ACTUALLY WATCH THE FUCKING SHOW YOU PAID A TON OF MONEY TO COME SEE! IF YOU WANT TO SEE THE WHOLE GODDAMN THING THROUGH A LITTLE SCREEN, STAY HOME AND WATCH MUSIC VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE YA DUMB BASTARDS!

And while I have your attention, turn your fucking flash off. Flashes only work within about 10 feet on a standard camera. You'd be better off switching your camera to "low light" or "night shot" mode. You'll get better pictures and you won't annoy the shit out of the artists/security.

[Amelia G]

Dear Middle-Aged Drunk Chicks,

The vast majority of you are not sexy anymore. Not on your best day, let alone sloppy drunk and falling all over yourselves. Nobody wants to see your wrinkled titties and certainly not in exchange for better seats at the risk of our jobs. Knock it off! You may think you're part of the sexy MILF/Cougar pack but you're just gross. Trust me, if you're sexy enough for us to be interested, you'll know by our interest and not our immediately blowing you off like you've been getting thus far.

On the other hand, the few, the VERY few of you that are sexy enough to pull that off, can keep it up. And thanks for hangin' in there.

-Rockwulf
...

You clearly need some MILF Humiliation for only $1.

[Rockwulf]

Ugh, nice try but no. All those "let's tie some chick up and violently throat fuck her while my asshole cameraman spews retarded frat-boy shit" sites aren't for me. Otherwise I woulda joined Milfhunter and Bangbus and all the other tarded clones.

[Mr Karl]

ATTENTION CONCERT GOERS,

. You'll get better pictures and you won't annoy the shit out of the artists/security.

without the idiots who pay the big bucks artists and security would be out of a job.


quit whining and get back to work

[Rockwulf]

I took a bunch of shifts at my bar job and landed a new weekend gig so I haven't been working shows too much but here's a few quick highlights from my getting called in to work the "No Doubt" reunion tour.

Me: Fuck I'm dumb. I just gave up my one night off this week 'cause they needed me to work the No Doubt show.
Friend: That sucks dude.
Me: No shit, I'm making money but I have NO social life anymore. Wait a second! No social life.....No Doubt is touring.......HOLY FUCK! I'VE TRAVELED BACK TO JUNIOR HIGH! Wait till those bitches get a load of my badass goatee and bitchin' motorcycle!

After the show, which was just sorta "meh" this usher who's in her 50's and is like my "concert mom" because she keeps me in line, comes over to me and hugs me during the "debriefing" we get at the end of shows.

Me: "I'm going to prison or hell, I'm not sure which.
Her: "Why? I didn't hear about you doing anything bad."
Me: "No Doubt was popular when I was a teenager! But there's so much jailbait at this show! I couldn't tell friend from foe! There may have been some "friendly fire" incidents!

[Rockwulf]

I was forced to beat the living shit out of a co-worker Friday night. I'm kind of surprised because I always thought if we fought, he'd whip my ass, but I was covered in blood when it was over and not a drop of it was mine.

One of my fellow bouncers came into the bar all tuned up and talking about how he wanted to kill someone or himself and he stayed after hours while we were cleaning up and trying to calm him down. We were there for hours trying to help him out and we were just about to leave when he rushed me. I don't know if he was thinking he'd commit "Suicide by bouncer" but no matter how hard I tried to restrain him he wouldn't stop. Then when I finally bashed his head into the ground a few times and the bartender came out of the bathroom and grabbed him to go clean him up I went downstairs to the basement to get a mop to clean the blood up.

Then the bouncer was yelling at me down the stairs "HEY, COME UP, I CAN SEE YOU BUT YOU CAN'T SEE ME HAHAHA!" I wasn't gonna fall for his ambush. So I held the mop and said, "I ain't even lookin' at you motherfucker!" so he came runnin down the stairs after me and I used the mop like a bo-staff and smashed him in the face a couple times. He ran at me so I dropped the mop and gripped him up,spinning him into the big metal walk-in fridge door. I slammed my knee into his ball like 5 times but it just made him more angry and he shot for my legs like a wrestler. Grabbing onto the upright brace for the stairs for support I used my knee to slam his head into the stairway while with my free hand I'm holding him by the back of the neck so he can't stand up or get any leverage. I threw all my weight at him to take him to the ground where I was pounding at his liver and kidneys but he wouldn't let go of my legs. I managed to get one of my feet free and booted him in the face and gut until he finally let go and couldn't fight anymore.

It was fucking brutal.

Interesting bit of blow-back from this story: I was sitting in a bar that I don't usually hang out at, this being only my second time there. I was hanging out with a good friend of mine who I hadn't seen in a couple months and we were catching up on all the randomness that had gone down in her life and mine.

I began to tell her about what happened that night with my coworker. I didn't mention the guy's name or where I worked in the process of telling the story. There were only three people at the bar, me, my friend and this chick who for some reason was sitting directly next to me. After I got done telling the story and my friend agreed, "Shit's fucked up," the girl behind me (I was turned towards my friend) thows a napkin at me and hauls ass out of the bar.

I picked it up and read the following note:



I started laughing and I showed my friend and she started laughing. We were talking about the kind of person that would do that shit when the bartender came over and was like, "Did she just throw a note at you? I saw her writing and thought it was gonna be for me, she's been giving me creepy vibes all night." I showed her the note and she asked where I work. I told her and we talked a bit, then when the check came I saw that she had not only given me the "Industry discount" but my friend as well on top of comping our last couple rounds.

So this passive-aggressive bitch who was thinking, "I'm gonna leave this note and piss all over his little night." actually ended up getting me lots of free drinks and discounts on the ones I paid for!

I went from there to the place I work and saw that the other bouncer was there. I showed him the note and even he was like, "What the fuck?" and he was pissed at her. So on top of getting me free drinks, she torpedoed her own friendship for good measure. Gotta love that.

[Bikerpunk]

Interesting resemblance.

[OliX]

So, you were his sidekick all the way!

[Rockwulf]

Yeah, that's BP in the yellow tie.

[Rockwulf]

Last week was the Jimmy-Goddamn-All-My-Fans-Are-Dumber-Than-Shit-Buffett show. I got posted on "Wall patrol," my favorite gig because it's fun and you're not stuck on a single post, you can move around.

I was on my way back to my area from helping the medics take in some passed out chick when I catch a guy old enough to be my dad standing close to the wall of the venue in the standard "I'm taking a piss" stance. So I snuck up behind him and grabbed him real hard around the shoulders and yelled, "HEY BUDDY! HOW'S IT GOIN'? LET'S GO FOR A WALK!" with a big shit-eating grin on my face I spin the dude and start walking him inside to the security office. After we get about 10 feet and the shock wears off, the guy goes, "C'mon man, can I at least put my dick away?" "I WISH YOU WOULD!"

On the way to the office we have the following conversation:

"It's not my fault man, you guys should have a bathroom in the lobby!"
"There is."
"No there isn't."
"There is, it's huge. Like 30 stalls, all for your pissing pleasure. Had you asked any one of the couple hundred employees walking around or hell, 99% of the guests, they would have gladly pointed it out to you. Oh look, there it is now, but you won't get to use it this time."

Seriously. This idiots defense was that we didn't have bathrooms. A venue that seats like 25,000 people and we didn't put any toilets in anywhere.......jesus.

So I get him into the office and there's a few people being processed ahead of us. While we're waiting, the guy starts getting real snide and going, "Hey man, you're a great guy. You know, I wish the best for you and your family," and all this other shit and then turning around and mumbling, "douchebag, douchebag, douchebag" which just made me want to laugh but I pretended I didn't hear it while smiling and saying thank you.

The dude gets processed and as I'm ejecting him he's like, "Thanks a lot, asshole. I paid a lot of money for those tickets!" and I said, "Yeah, you're gonna miss the show and I'm not allowed to leave it. Both our nights suck don't they?

[Rockwulf]

Comedy from Warped Tour yesterday:

1. Patience is a virtue.

I was posted as a "roamer" yesterday, which means I could basically go wherever I wanted and just keep my eyes open for trouble. I caught one girl puking and took her into medical, one guy passed out, etc.

So when it came time for Less Than Jake's set I made my way over to the main stage area, grabbing a sno-cone on the way. I was hanging out in the back of the crowd, enjoying the set, when this group of 4 or 5 crusty-ass squatter kids started acting retarded and trying to mosh with each other, even though they were at the opposite end from the mosh pit. They were banging into people and generally annoying the shit out of everyone with their "I'm too punk rock to shower" stench. But I let that go and didn't hassle them since they were just goofing around.

Then they took out and lit up a joint.

Let me rephrase that. They took out and lit up a joint in front of the big motherfucking guy wearing the big motherfucking bright motherfucking yellow shirt that says motherfucking "Event Staff" on it.

So I walked over and told the guy holding it that he needed to drop it and put it out, which he did. Then I went back to where I was standing, trying to enjoy the set.

Then one of the assholes, standing less than 8 inches from me decides to pick a can up off the ground, ball it up, and blast it into the back of some guys head in the crowd.

"Fuck, I have to take this asshole out of here but I want to see this band and I've got a sno-cone that I paid 5 goddamned dollars for that I'm not just gonna dump out." I said to myself. So I enjoyed the sno-cone at my own pace, let the song that was playing end while I put on my gloves, and then, when I was good and ready grabbed the dude and dragged him out. I got word from one of my old friends attending the show that the retard had tried to sell my friend acid earlier in the day. Which just made me happier about tossing him and his dipshit friends.

2. ORLY???

This peckerhead decided to start a fight with some dude who insisted that he'd never seen the guy before and hadn't provoked him. After I broke up the fight and a couple witnesses said that the guy just flipped out and attacked the other one for no reason, I told the jerk that he'd have to come with me to the security office. Which provoked him to say, "I'm not going anywhere, and if you touch me you're about to get fucking rocked."

I said, "Oh, really?" then grabbed him into an arm-bar so tight that the little bitch actually started to cry. I said, "If I'm gonna get rocked, you should sing me a song, bitch!"

3.Over here!

I was standing near one of the entrances to the house when a girl in front of me came over while looking into the crowd and talking on her cell phone. "I'm over here! Over here. Turn around, I'm over here. Turn around. Kara, I can see you, I'm right here. Turn around. I'm right here! Right here," she said into the phone. After a couple minutes of this, just before my head exploded from the force of the dumb, I tapped her on the shoulder and said, "Darlin' when you're saying 'I'm right here' into a phone, all the person you're talking to knows is that you're in their ear."

The future of our world folks.....

[Rockwulf]

Holy shit, Paul Rudd just came into my bar. He was really nice despite the drunken tardo-chicks that actually yelled at him, "I know you from somewhere! Hey! Mr. Blue Shirt, who are you?" *FUCKING FACEPALM*

[Morning Glory]

I didn't know that there was a bouncer "industry".

That's cool. I'm in the Janitor industry, but I'm thinking about moving up to the french fry maker industry.

[Rockwulf]

I didn't know that there was a bouncer "industry".

That's cool. I'm in the Janitor industry, but I'm thinking about moving up to the french fry maker industry.

When people say they're "in the industry" it usually means the food/booze/ospitality field in general. Anybody that works at a bar or restaurant is "in the industry." so when bars have "industry nights" or "in the biz" nights, that's what it means.

Personally I don't like the phrase and I never use it but lots of people do.

[Rockwulf]

Dear god, I worked Toby Keith again tonight and my day was so bad I bought my first pack of smokes in almost 6 years...

[Morning Glory]

did you put a boot up anyone's ass for America?

[Rockwulf]

I did stomp on one rednecks hand and was involved in brawls with several others...

[Mr Karl]

so, do you at least get payed really well?