"normal" social behavior?

[LeilaHazlett]

So without going into excessive detail about it I'm pretty upset because a good friend of mine was recently threatened by some girl he was interested in because she thought he was a creepy stalker. She sent him a long note and in it said she was scared because he didn't "have normal social behavior". That brings up a few questions I would love some advice on. What is "normal" social behavior, is that something you can teach someone? And how as a guy can you hit on a girl without being viewed as creepy?

[Rockwulf]

What was he doing that she thought was so creepy?

[Raza]

Normal social behaviour is the essence of 'being taught'; it's the averaged product of everybody instinctively copying everybody else. Effectiveness isn't a requisite for its replication, though, and it typically lacks this sorely.

I'd like to say that anybody that thinks they desire it from you isn't worth gathering to, but fact is that a lot of people use it thoughtlessly as a kind of catch-all virtue, used simply to refer to behaviour they are personally comfortable with. In this context, it doesn't really mean anything but 'I wish you'd behave differently and I can't explain why'.


Anyway, the only thing you can do to hit on people without being creepy is by being more desirable than you are aggressive. Since this obviously relies on your target's judgement of you, which you will not at first be able to know, half of it is a guessing game. The other half is pressing on gradually and doing your best to be charming.

[Mr Karl]

so, I guess that he's found out she's one of 'them', he's not as interested.

see, what she's doing is normal social behavior..............you didn't mention that she said she has a particular preference to someone..............she's willing to take the time to write a long note saying that he's got unacceptable social skills, so maybe if he was to become socially acceptable by her standards and she could bring him home to the fandamnily then he might have a chance with her..................(sucking the life out of him).
that's what normal people do

[TheDeathKnight]

Originally Posted by Raza

Anyway, the only thing you can do to hit on people without being creepy is by being more desirable than you are aggressive.

+10

Hit the nail on the head.

Way too many young guys think that the pinnacle of dating skill, is being able to be confident enough to hit on girls. Which might work in high school, if everyone is afraid to talk to everyone else and everyone is awkward in some ways. But once you become an adult, most girls get sick of guys constantly hitting on them, and coming on to them. They don't even want to know that all these guys want to have sex with them or date them. To many women, it's gross and creepy. It's fine if they see guys checking them out at a club. But they don't want every guy they hang out with talking about how they want them, etc. It makes some girls creeped out, or worried about date ****, etc.

So you can do what Raza suggests, and become desirable, so women come to you. Or you can learn to be much more subtle and polite about it. Which generally means going really, really slow, and getting to know the person as a friend, WITHOUT letting them know you want to fuck them. If you hang out with the girl as a friend, for enough months, she will either eventually fall for you, and see you as a romantic possibility, or she will decide you belong in the "friend zone". But more times than not, girls tell me they don't want their friends to be telling them they want to have sex with them, or want to become their boyfriend. It's awkward.

So I'd always suggest trying the friend route first.
If the girl thinks you are sexy, it will turn into something else
the first time she gets drunk and horny. Or it will fade into the
friend zone without any creepy incidents.

[Mr Karl]

or he's just gotta go for the girls that like the creepy guys,they're out there too

[TheDeathKnight]

And as far as "normal" social behavior goes, some people just can't handle someone who acts strange in public, or around their friends, or around their family. And everyone has different levels of what they are willing to accept. Do you want to date a really great person, who gets up in the middle of dinner and takes a shit on the table? No? Well, there is that extreme, and there are perfect manners. I think the ideal thing is being capable of acting normal when the situation calls for it. Like if you get pulled over by a cop, act polite. If you are a a job interview, act polite. If you are meeting some girl's parents, act polite. But if you are in a mosh pit at a club, do whatever you want... It's all about the proper place and time for certain things. Perhaps she saw that he was acting improperly at a movie, or with her friends, so she knew he probably would not be able to act normal around her parents, etc... So if you can't adapt, then you have to find someone who doesn't care about that kind of stuff...

[Velvet-Tongue]

The best way to get women is to share common interests, act interested in what they have to say, have enough money to come off as normal financially and to take care of yourself physically enough that you don't look horrific.

[Velvet-Tongue]

**

Just wanted to add that social norms are subjective. They're different depending on your class, race or social group etc. If the guy wanted that one girl he should look to whats normal for her group and work around it or find someone who shares a similar group philosophy to himself. Or he can just say fuck it and go surf the net and fap.

Just being respectful of other peoples personal space seems to be the biggest thing you can do to not be creepy. No one likes Ms. Call you 500 times a day or Mr. Follows you to work and glares angrily through the window at you. People need space.

[Rockwulf]

Originally Posted by Velvet-Tongue

The best way to get women is to share common interests, act interested in what they have to say, .

This would be so much easier to do if the girls I meet weren't into such retarded shit and always talking like they've got a week left before they start 6th grade.

"Really? High-school musical? Really? Didn't you just tell me you're a lawyer?"

[Dusk]

What is "normal" social behavior, is that something you can teach someone?

"normal" is what is considered acceptable by the majority, wich is why somethings are considered normal by some, but not others, e.g eathing dogs. Alot of places like America and Australia dont find this acceptable, but there are countries that see this as fine.
As for being taught then yes. I was diagnosed with a type of autims called Aspergers Syndrome, and when I was very young I was taken to social skills lessons, a byproduct of wich is that I can walk up to almost anyone and have a conversation with them and make a friend, get a girls number whatever, I can read body language, facial experssions, tone of voice, stances, whatever, but alot of the time I have to go over it in my head. On a bad day I cant talk to anyone, not even my parents and get a simple point accross.
One of my first memories is of being in a social lesson.
And that is an extreme version of social learning, we learn our values from family members and how they act around us.

[Morning Glory]

Unfortunately we can't define what normal behavior is, or at least what it is in this girls mind. If she had said in specific detail what the behavior that she wanted or did not want, then that could have been more helpful if the goal was to change it.

It sucks getting shot down and I'm sure that getting a lengthy letter telling you that you're a creep is very heartbreaking, but I wouldn't be too pissed off at her about it. She's either immature or emotionally vulnerable, your friend is a creep or is bad at communication, or they just don't have a connection to build a relationship.

[Rockwulf]

Is it normal to write a whole "why I think you suck" letter?

Wouldn't the polite thing to do be saying you're just not interested?

[KessM]

Originally Posted by Rockwulf

What was he doing that she thought was so creepy?

i wanto know too!

[Ajax Knucklebones]

Originally Posted by KessM

i wanto know too!

Yeah..Right! I want to know.

[LeilaHazlett]

Originally Posted by Mr Karl

or he's just gotta go for the girls that like the creepy guys,they're out there too

Well what I didn't mention is that I dated him for four years and never thought he was creepy which is why this incident has been so confusing and upsetting to me. But maybe I'm just a creepy to and don't know it!

[LeilaHazlett]

Originally Posted by KessM

i wanto know too!

I don't know the whole story but basically she seemed to be upset because he was contacting her too much. But in his defense he lent her a very rare and expensive book and after that she stopped responding to his calls. I guess what freaked her out was he contacted one of her friends to see why she stopped talking to him and to get his book back. His actions seemed reasonable enough to me, if someone had something valuable of mine I would certainly want to make sure I got it back. But that's just his side of the story, there may be more to it that I am not aware of.

[LeilaHazlett]

Originally Posted by Rockwulf

Is it normal to write a whole "why I think you suck" letter?

Wouldn't the polite thing to do be saying you're just not interested?

Yeah seriously. She could have just said she wasn't interested or said if there was something he was doing that made her uncomfortable but instead she threaten to have her male friends beat him up, that sounds pretty childish to me.

[VoltaireBlue]

did he get his book back?

[Vix]

Originally Posted by LeilaHazlett

So without going into excessive detail about it I'm pretty upset because a good friend of mine was recently threatened by some girl he was interested in because she thought he was a creepy stalker. She sent him a long note and in it said she was scared because he didn't "have normal social behavior". That brings up a few questions I would love some advice on. What is "normal" social behavior, is that something you can teach someone? And how as a guy can you hit on a girl without being viewed as creepy?

Imo your friend should stay clear of this girl. If he was sending love notes and maybe some flowers, thats perfeclty normal courting behaviour. Is he excessively doing it so.. maybe...? Has she asked him to stop sending flowers and he continues to do so?
Once she has asked him to stop it constitutes as abusive - seek profesional help after that.

[grebo]

Originally Posted by LeilaHazlett

And how as a guy can you hit on a girl without being viewed as creepy?

if a girl is not attracted to you then any approach to them will be seen as creepy