Friends keep pointing out that there is a bacon of the month club. Actually, I think there may be a number of bacon of the month club options.

The Pig Next Door comes up quickly in a search engine attempt to locate the bacon of the month club. The Pig Next Door offers artisan bacon from sustainably-farmed specialty breeds. If you are a bacon fan, and I am, this sounds pretty good and they offer six month and one year bacon subscriptions, priced according to just how special the pigs are. Speaking of pigs, my friend senior Blue Blood writer Will Judy has a really thing about cartoons of animals being used to sell meat products. He is offended by cartoon cannibalism. Although I did not come to this concern on my own, I always think of it when I see a comic strip style pig raising a trotter to vote in favor of bacon.

So I do a little more research and it turns out that The Pig Next Door is a Johnny-come-lately, started only a year ago, looking to cash in on the bacon of the month concept pioneered by The Grateful Palate. The Grateful Palate has been selling bacon and bacon-related products online for more than a decade. Ah, the joy of the internet age, when nothing is so esoteric a niche that it hasn’t been knocked off and repackaged by someone. In addition to what may be the original bacon of the month club, The Grateful Palate also offers pig noses and pig T-shirt memorabilia. You can always go with the less cannibalistic T-shirt option of showing off the “I got porked by the Grateful Palate” slogan across your chest. You get a shirt and a little rubber toy pig with your bacon club membership. You also get an official Bacon of the Month Membership Card, in case a bouncer ever asks you to show one. And you get a pig nose, in order to facilitate cannibal role play.

My friend writer/director David Aaron Clark once took me to BDSM club The Vault in New York, in its heyday. And there was the option for gents to be dominated while wearing pig noses or masks. I have trouble eroticizing rubber facial prosthetics shaped like pigs or like anything else really. Yet I love muppets, fun fur coats, and the bottom half of most furry costumes. Go figure. For those less specific in their tastes and needs than I am, there is always pet play. Bet you’ve never seen someone in a pig or panda head do that before. Or maybe you have. I’m going to go fry up some uncured, sustainably-farmed, artisan bacon now, even though I’m not yet a member of the Bacon of the Month Club.

Apparently, ineffable is one of the most searched for words on the internet today. This is entertaining because it is ironic that someone should search for the meaning of a word which means that which has meaning which can not be expressed.

I think ineffable is one of those words which comes up around a holiday like Easter, as folks bust out scripture, while being a bit fuzzy on what the bunnies mean. So, as a service to the community, we thought we’d help everyone out with, not the nine billion names of G-d, but at least the ten most useful definitions of ineffable.

Ineffable is . . .

1. incapable of being expressed or described in words; inexpressible: ineffable joy. (Random House)

2. not to be spoken because of its sacredness; unutterable: the ineffable name of the deity. (Random House)

3. Incapable of being expressed; indescribable or unutterable. Unspeakable. (The American Heritage Dictionary)

4. Not to be uttered; taboo: the ineffable name of G-d. (The American Heritage Dictionary)

5. defying expression or description; “indefinable yearnings”; “indescribable beauty”; “ineffable ecstasy”; “inexpressible anguish”; “unspeakable happiness”; “unutterable contempt”; “a thing of untellable splendor” (Princeton’s WordNet)

6. too sacred to be uttered; “the ineffable name of the Deity” (Princeton’s WordNet)

7. Incapable of being expresses in words; unspeakable; unutterable; indescribable; as, the ineffable joys of heaven. (Webster’s Dictionary)

8. That cannot be described, incommunicable, indefinable, indescribable, inexpressible, undescribable, unutterable (Roget’s II: The New Thesaurus)

9. too great for words, beyond words, celestial, divine, empyreal, empyrean, ethereal, heavenly, holy, ideal, impossible, incommunicable, incredible, indefinable, indescribable, inexpressible, nameless, sacred, spiritual, too sacred for words, transcendent, transcendental, unspeakable, untellable, unutterable (Roget’s 21st Century Thesaurus)

10. Ineffable? Is that that hot girl in high school who was saving herself? Or is that uneffable? I get the two confused. (Forrest Black)

Definition #10 is my favorite. (Yes, he was kidding, although don’t try drunk word definition debate games with him because you will not win.) Now that you all know what ineffable means, don’t blame me if the stars start winking out one by one. I’m just the messenger. (Do blame yourself if you are as big a dork as me and get the Arthur C. Clarke reference.) And, if you like furry bunny suits, decorations, candy, and treasure hunts (even for lame treasure like boiled eggs), I’d like to wish you a Happy Easter.