The nice people at APN remind me that it is Administrative Professionals Week. I used to thik that there was just Secretary’s Day on like the second or third Wednesday of April or something like that. Turns out that there is a whole week dedicated to the concept. I love all sorts of thematic celebrations, but my family doesn’t really do holidays and special occasions, so all holidays strike me as interesting more from an academic social anthropology perspective that, ya know, as a traditional participant. It is not terribly difficult, however, to entice me to attend or otherwise celebrate any themed event at least once.

The International Association of Administrative Professionals or IAAP has trademarked a number variations of the name for both the day and the week, including Professional Secretaries Week. There seems to be some controversy whether someone at IAAP originally came up with the celebration in 1952 or whether they hired the ad firm Young & Rubicam to come up with something snazzy to invigorate secretaries and other administrative professionals or whether an advertising agency came up with the idea on their own as part of the war (WWII) recovery effort. Some sources credit specifically a Harry F. Klemfuss at Young & Rubicam as the architect of Secretary’s Day and Administrative Professionals Week. And, like most holidays, Administrative Professionals Week and/or Day engenders the suspicion in some that it is engineered by a greedy secret cabal of flower, greeting card, and boxed chocolate distributors.

Over time, the IAAP has pushed for the term Administrative Professional to be used over the term secretary. The idea behind this evolution of language is that the changing and expanding role of support staff should be reflected in the terminology. The original secretary title, however, meant literally keep of the secrets and referred to the sort of person a king could trust with uber-important information. Sovereigns truly need trusted keepers of secrets. I think that by this time next year, we should work to transition the name of this celebration to Keepers of Secrets Week.

I live about half a block from the main Thai area in Hollywood, so I can get delicious Thai food at 2am in the morning. Which is awesome for someone like me who keeps vampire hours most of the time. This also means I was able to walk to the Curry Festival a couple of weeks ago. Today marks the beginning of Thai New Year, known as Songkran.

I wish I had realized earlier that Songkran was coming up as the Thai holiday is celebrated with socializing, spring cleaning, and throwing water at other people. Originally, the water was apparently intended to be spiritually cleansing as it was what was used for spring cleaning the Buddha statues. The young could observe the holiday by sprinkling water which was thus blessed and perhaps lightly scented on the hands of respected elders. Today, the fun aspect of dowsing others with water is emphasized and people of all ages head outdoors to fire water guns at one another. This means one should be conscious, while dripping wet, of a sense of personal renewal.

Songkran actually runs through April 15, so there might still be time to get or make the perfect water gun. A gentleman named John Young has designed The Ultimate Water Gun (pictured) using a fire extinguisher and a motorcycle helmet.

When I was in college, I was Treasurer of the Strategic Games Club which used to play a sort of free-for-all Assassin in the tunnels underneath the school. Motorized water guns were popular, but the homemade monstrosities usually were most effective. The pesticide sprayer backpack was a particularly devastating model, although I personally lacked the upper body strength to run around with one on my back. I totally needed The Ultimate Water Gun made out of a fire extinguisher and a motorcycle helmet.

I am at least going to treat myself to a new water gun, even if I don’t start crafting or mad science work on one today. I think Thai New Year sounds way better than American New Year. I would far prefer strangers fire water cannons at me all day than expect to be entitled to tongue me at a specific time of night. It is really hot in Thailand this time of year too, so getting soaking wet is extra-refreshing. Really, I just love the idea of a traditional holiday reason to have a goofy water fight.

Apparently, ineffable is one of the most searched for words on the internet today. This is entertaining because it is ironic that someone should search for the meaning of a word which means that which has meaning which can not be expressed.

I think ineffable is one of those words which comes up around a holiday like Easter, as folks bust out scripture, while being a bit fuzzy on what the bunnies mean. So, as a service to the community, we thought we’d help everyone out with, not the nine billion names of G-d, but at least the ten most useful definitions of ineffable.

Ineffable is . . .

1. incapable of being expressed or described in words; inexpressible: ineffable joy. (Random House)

2. not to be spoken because of its sacredness; unutterable: the ineffable name of the deity. (Random House)

3. Incapable of being expressed; indescribable or unutterable. Unspeakable. (The American Heritage Dictionary)

4. Not to be uttered; taboo: the ineffable name of G-d. (The American Heritage Dictionary)

5. defying expression or description; “indefinable yearnings”; “indescribable beauty”; “ineffable ecstasy”; “inexpressible anguish”; “unspeakable happiness”; “unutterable contempt”; “a thing of untellable splendor” (Princeton’s WordNet)

6. too sacred to be uttered; “the ineffable name of the Deity” (Princeton’s WordNet)

7. Incapable of being expresses in words; unspeakable; unutterable; indescribable; as, the ineffable joys of heaven. (Webster’s Dictionary)

8. That cannot be described, incommunicable, indefinable, indescribable, inexpressible, undescribable, unutterable (Roget’s II: The New Thesaurus)

9. too great for words, beyond words, celestial, divine, empyreal, empyrean, ethereal, heavenly, holy, ideal, impossible, incommunicable, incredible, indefinable, indescribable, inexpressible, nameless, sacred, spiritual, too sacred for words, transcendent, transcendental, unspeakable, untellable, unutterable (Roget’s 21st Century Thesaurus)

10. Ineffable? Is that that hot girl in high school who was saving herself? Or is that uneffable? I get the two confused. (Forrest Black)

Definition #10 is my favorite. (Yes, he was kidding, although don’t try drunk word definition debate games with him because you will not win.) Now that you all know what ineffable means, don’t blame me if the stars start winking out one by one. I’m just the messenger. (Do blame yourself if you are as big a dork as me and get the Arthur C. Clarke reference.) And, if you like furry bunny suits, decorations, candy, and treasure hunts (even for lame treasure like boiled eggs), I’d like to wish you a Happy Easter.

Okay, I’d like to take this opportunity to make a public service announcement. Trent Reznor announced that he was giving away free downloads of his new Strobelight album, produced by Timbaland, on April first. This seemed both hilarious and topical as Blue Blood has covered goth-industrial music since 1992 and even the Blue Blood precursor BLT ::: Black Leather Times had press coverage in that vein.

Although the email collection form on the Nine Inch Nails site did not request any financial information, NIN.com did bear the statement, “Your credit card will be charged $18.98 plus a $10 digital delivery convenience fee.” Apparently there are a lot of savvy consumers out there because, after we posted the feature and told Blue Blood’s sixty thousand close personal MySpace friends about the NIN article and opportunity for the download, we were deluged with messages and emails from angry consumers.

It seems that a lot of you are able to figure out from the fine print that you may not be getting a free lunch. You are apparently not capable, however, of reading a calendar. Allow me to repeat my previous statement with needed emphasis: Trent Reznor announced that he was giving away free downloads of his new Strobelight album, produced by Timbaland, on April first. The Strobelight album download announcement was an April Fool’s joke and I thought it was an awfully witty one, particularly when you read through the track listing.

You know how you are clever enough not to be sold on a refreshing and tasty beverage by some slick television commercial with hot chicks in it? And you know how this means that the beverage industry has sent a fleet of hot chicks out to bars to pretend they like you while telling you they totally love Bacardi or Red Bull or whatever? Or did you think you suddenly turned into more of a chick magnet, like it used to be that gothic and punk girls loved you, but now trim blondes seem like they crave your dick and it is awesome. Although you have yet to close with one.

Basically, my comment on this is that sometimes, when you try to hard to be a savvy consumer, you miss the actual joke. Please stop sending me hate mail over your inaccurately perceived concerns about Trent Reznor’s fictional album release. It’s a joke, an April Fool’s prank. Trent Reznor’s comment on this is, “I may have to actually write “pussygrinder”! Anybody have Sheryl Crow’s #?”

Trent Reznor announced today that his whole new album Strobelight is available for download on the Nine Inch Nails web site. The following song list contains a who’s who of people who guest on other people’s tracks.

track list:

1. intro skit
2. everybody’s doing it (featuring chris martin, jay-z AND bono)
3. black t-shirt
4. pussygrinder (featuring sheryl crow)
5. coffin on the dancefloor
6. this rhythm is infected
7. slide to the dark side
8. even closer (featuring justin timberlake and maynard james keenan)
9. on the list (she’s not)
10. clap trap crack slap
11. laid, paid and played (featuring fergie of the black eyed peas and al jourgensen)
12. feel like being dead again
13. still hurts (featuring alicia keys)
14. outro skit

Here are the instructions from the NIN site to get your absolutely free free free goth-industrial album via download, before it is available anywhere else:

“To download NIN’s new full-length album Strobe Light, PRODUCED BY TIMBALAND, enter a valid email address . . . A download link will be sent to you immediately. Your credit card will be charged $18.98 plus a $10 digital delivery convenience fee. Your files will arrive as windows media files playable on quite a few players with your name embedded all over them just in case you lose them. You will also receive an exclusive photo and a free email account with our partner Google’s Gmail service.

Your email will be kept confidential and will not be used for spam, unless we can make some money selling it.”

So, per Trent Reznor, those are the sweet sweet terms you can get today for your very own free download of the new NIN Strobelight. After initially checking it out, I think “on the list (she’s not)” is my favorite little ditty, but let me know which you all enjoy most.

If I were in Portland for NYE, I can guarantee that I would be at Darklady’s Empire of Pleasure New Year’s Eve. If you’ve ever read the words in an adult publication, you are most likely familiar with Darklady’s work. She is a successful prolific journalist and sexpert and knows so much about so many of my favorite things. She describes her areas of expertise as “adult entertainment industry, free speech, internet technology, and alternative sexuality” and I’d have to agree that is deliciously accurate.

What you may not know is that Darklady Productions, Inc. also produces a series of good events for the perverse. We’ve got a little taster gallery of event photos from her Burlesque-a-thon themed 2008 Portland Masturbate-a-thon and her 2007 NYE Masquerade. I’m always down for wearing giant hoop skirts which knock everything over, although, because I don’t have a real hat head, sometimes crowns can be difficult to fit. Tiaras work fine though. Yes, I’m planning an outfit in my head for an Empire of Pleasure themed event I probably won’t be in town to attend; I work too much, but it sounds really fun. Darklady described the theme, saying:

“The snows are melting and Darklady’s Empire of Pleasure has physical, emotional and spiritual warmth to spare. Pay homage to empires past, present and future while lovingly indulging your senses in celebration of life and the coming New Year. Darklady’s Empire of Pleasure pays homage to days past, present and future that shape us. Whether your favorite “imperial” spreads like butter or starred Shaka Zulu, the Son of Heaven, the Chrysanthemum Throne, Imperium Romanum, Stormtroopers or genuinely Byzantine thinking, Darklady invites you to lovingly indulge in a celebration of the senses and New Year.”

They will also have giveaways from Big Teaze Toys, Topco Toys, Taboo Video, Stockroom and Astroglide too if you count the fact that Astroglide is sort of sponsoring the play room. They take their play seriously in the Pacific NW. Plus all you can eat Mediterranean buffet. Mmmmm.

You can get more info at Darklady’s site and RSVP to Darklady@darklady.com.

The sexy lead-off picture for our Darklady photo gallery is of her and Dale the Nail from this year’s Portland Masturbate-a-thon, photographed by Bryan Grimes. Darklady and I were chatting about her party and just random stuff going on and this photo made her think of a great story she shared:

“It’s so weird about Dale and I. We were punk teens back in the 70s/80s and hung out downtown — then dropped out of contact until after 2000 when we discovered I was writing throwing parties and writing about sex for a living and he was hanging from hooks and creating weird “guerrilla art.”

Nice to know we didn’t all grow up to become accountants and housewives.“

Amen to that, sister.

Whenever I travel, I think about buying real estate wherever I am. I live in Los Angeles. I love my Hollywood neighborhood. Due to the peculiarities of the housing market, there are two houses on my block which have been for sale for over a year. I’d be pleased to own either one of them, but they both list at more than a mil, despite the fact that clearly nobody is rushing to pay that for either of them. So I rent. Even if I had a million and a half dollars to drop on real estate, which alas I currently do not, I wouldn’t spend it on something unlikely to appreciate and unlikely to sell for what I paid for it. This sort of thing causes me to drool at the costs for houses in Portland and even shopping malls in Baltimore. I travel and I think I could just write a check for a house in many cities yet I despair of ever buying one in Los Angeles.

But then something like Hunky Santa rolls around and reminds me why I can never leave La-La-Land. For the last half dozen years, my favorite local mall, the Beverly Center in Beverly Hills, has featured a Hunky Santa. (I probably spend more at South Coast Plaza where I get my hair cut, but that is in another county and thus does not count as local.) This year, Hunky Santa has been getting a frantic flurry of attention, way above and beyond prior years, because they cast Eli Wilhide as Hunky Santa and he is remarkably perfect for the role, in both appearance and personality presentation. According to All Things Christmas, in order to play the sexy son of Old Saint Nick, one had to best 350 other applicants for the job of Hunky Santa. Eli Wilhide brings his experience as an Anthony Robbins motivational speaker or Peak Performance Strategist to the role of Hunky Santa. Eli Wilhide certainly works at that peak performance thang, as evidenced by his diet and workout tips for the LA Times and of course the results of his regimen.

As Xmas approaches, during the week and early in the day, the Beverly Center features Classic Santa and then, on weekends later in the day, Hunky Santa and the Candy Cane girls do hourly performances thereafter. A lot of people show up for this hourly act and some dress up their dogs or children in red ribbons or Santa hats to get into the holiday spirit for the occasion. There are two huge red silks hung down multiple floors of the mall for female acrobatic Candy Cane girls to contort on. The shows also feature those dances where the chick waves the ribbon around and does impressive flexible moves, like they had during the Olympics. I admit that, here at Blue Blood Global Secret HQ, we did refer to the ribbon event as the Stripper Olympics, but I digress. The Candy Cane girls also included a particularly awesome and effervescent stilt-walker.

After each show, both Hunky Santa and the Candy Cane girls move through the considerable audience making people feel holiday cheer and just radiating a certain pleasant warmth. I think that kind of intense close-up attention would make me hyperventilate with social anxiety after a few days, but I was extremely impressed with how welcome and joyous Hunky Santa and the Candy Cane Girls were able to make shoppers feel. They really brought an upbeat vibe to an otherwise less-than-cheery holiday shopping crowd.

So I will always love that Los Angeles is the kind of place where they would be able to cast the perfect Hunky Santa and have incredibly talented Candy Cane Girls. Just for weekend performances at the mall.

In 2005, an Alaskan named Billy Powers and his kids built a sixteen foot snowman. It is not clear how the giant Frosty lookalike came to be known by the moniker of Snowzilla, but the attributes of being monstrously giant and made of snow probably both had something to do with it.

There is nothing like an enormous snowman to capture the hearts and minds of people who love to frolic in the snow. I hope the denizens of Anchorage enjoy frolicking in the snow. According to City Data, Anchorage has a significantly above average crime rate, but Alaskans get to enjoy sixty inches of snow a year to make up for the extra arson, assault, murder, and so forth. Then again, the Anchorage airport is named after extremely indicted U.S. Senator Ted Stevens, so maybe the people of Anchorage enjoy crime more than snow after all is said and done.

Somebody in Anchorage sure is Grinch-y, anyway, because city zoning stopped the Powers family and friends from completing their annual Snowzilla in 2008. Apparently, some Scrooge felt that the joyful snow behemoth disrupted traffic patterns by attracting rubberneckers and camera crews. Reportedly, all but the head of Snowzilla was complete when the order for his execution was handed down. Snowzilla may be missing his head, but some people in Anchorage are going to be getting coal in their stockings this year for lacking a heart.

All that glitters may not be gold, but I love it. I am a magpie for tinsel and colored lights. I think Santa hats are all adorable.

Only I’m not a holiday person. My parents eloped and haven’t been cool with a special occasion since. They would rather see their offspring any day of the year which does not fall on a holiday, birthday, or other special commemorative occasion. So I admit that the whole December freak-out thing misses me. Occasionally other people get me thoughtful gifts and I appreciate them. But mostly I enjoy the decorations and the eating a lot.

Many people believe that suicide rates climb through the roof during the Winter Solstice, Xmas, Chanukah, Kwanza, etc. season. Countless serious psychological studies and demographics analyses have entirely debunked the notion that suicides go up during Christmas. In point of fact, on average, fewer people either commit suicide or attempt suicide (parasuicide is the bonus vocabulary word of the day!) around the December 24 and December 25 dates and the month surrounding them.

The faulty theory is that lonely people are made more aware of their loneliness during a time of year when others can be visibly seen getting their connectedness groove on. There is also the Seasonal Affective Disorder concept that those afflicted with SAD (Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar!) are more, uhm, sad during the less sunny months. Unless they get high end tanning beds under the tree.

The reality of Christmas suicide is that people socialize more in December. They eat more delicious food in December. They deny themselves less in December. They reach out and connect with their fellow man better in December. So they may be more stressed, but they are less depressed and kill themselves less often in December.

New Years, on the other hand, is a whole nother ball o’ death. Many studies have found a significant uptick in suicides and parasuicides as people ring in the New Year. I know I like to use the New Year as an opportunity for reflection and resolution, so maybe some people don’t like what they reflect on. Of course, more people kill themselves at the beginning of the workweek than on the weekends, so January 1 suicides may just be about the horror of having to go back to work.

At any rate, you can relax about Xmas because New Years Eve is actually the day you have to worry about. Aren’t you glad to get to procrastinate your self-harm another week? This will give you more time for shopping. I know I’m thinking about going to the Beverly Center mall and checking out Hunky Santa and the acrobat Xmas sluts later today.

Are you mad as hell and not going to take it any more a la Network? Don’t vlog blowing your head off. Just celebrate INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY today and digitally yell your head off. According to founder Derek Arnold, “CAPS LOCK DAY IS A CELEBRATION OF LIFE AND FOREVER SCREAMING TEXT FOR ALL ETERNITY AND LOVE” and I guess he ought to know.

So don’t be shy. Start your engines, keyboard warriors, and say it LOUD.

In case y’all were wondering, the illustrative photo here is actually a snapshot I just took of my real life Caps Lock key, along with a special, limited-edition, 10 year anniversary Release the Bats, Blue Blood commemorative pin . . . and the piece of dental plastic I have been sleeping with, in order to avoid breaking all of my teeth via the combined power of stress and my mighty jaw.

HAPPY INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY!

PS In case anyone reading this is entirely new to teh intarwebs or has been wondering why people get peeved when they type in ALL CAPS, the reason is that ALL CAPS is a simple way of communicating screaming blue murder via keyboard and web connection. You can try opening your window and yelling too. Fewer people will hear. You may get in more trouble. But it might be more satisfying and you can always explain to the arresting officer that you were only throwing an offline holiday celebration for INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY.