There’s a lady that I know, if I didn’t know her…
she’d be the lady, I didn’t know…

Doesn’t Paula Collins look like the prototype Kara ‘Studio 57‘ DioGuardi in this sketch? Anyway, watching the AI8 finally tonight, I just couldn’t get past the similarity between the lyrical stylings of these classic Derek Stevens (Dana Carvey) hits. Poor Adam Lambert and Kris Allen had to suck it up for their final performance and belt out their best version of a comically bad song ‘No Boundaries‘, courtesy of Idol Judge DioGuardi. Someone had it right when they decided that the losing contestant tomorrow is the one that gets to face the further humiliation of having this gem of a track on their next album. Welcome to L.A. I think we’ve got a hit on our hands.

If you are alt-identified, yet want Kris Allen to beat Adam Lambert in this week’s American Idol finale, then you are complicit in your own oppression. Rebels who want Adam Lambert to lose must just hate themselves.

People like to fuss about sex and sexuality, but the place where Adam Lambert is actually unusual is that it is rare to see new musicians with serious larger-than-life star quality in the spotlight today. I just watched a top 20 video countdown and Eminem was just about the only one who would turn heads in a room he walked into, on force of presence alone. So it is exciting to see someone who has the right counterculture vibe with a mix of subcultures gothic, punk, hard rock, rockabilly, emo, scene and more blended together for something unique and compelling. To anyone who states people like Adam Lambert are a dime a dozen and FOX is just not in-the-know, I have to say there are a lot of people with some of that general sort of style, but not a lot with that vibe and that level of both charisma and musical talent.

To receive the same kudos as someone who comes across more normal and mainstream, I often feel like I have to work at least twice as hard and produce work which is twice as good. I would be fine with this, except for the part where the whole process plateaus early. Allow me to explain. In a way, simple badges of flamboyance and theoretical nonconformity, such as tattoos or unnatural hair color, have become fairly common by 2009. Someone who truly has an artistic and offbeat spirit is still likely to have to be better than the next guy to achieve the same recognition. Unfortunately, people, who identify as somehow alternative or creative or freaky, tend to want to root for the underdog. This means that, as soon as one of their compatriots is about to come over the top and succeed for real, they get an enormous backlash from former supporters. So I see all these people, who were super excited by Adam Lambert’s early successed on American Idol, who are now not into him because he is perceived as the obvious front-runner; they think maybe they like the other final two member Kris Allen because he is the underdog.

Kris Allen is an appealing enough performer. In particular, I liked his performances of “She Works Hard for the Money” and “Heartless”. I most likely would not flip the channel if a music video of his came on. I actually think American Idol fans got it exactly right for the AI8 final two to be Kris Allen and Adam Lambert. (Alison Iraheta might be more demographically similar to Adam Lambert, but Kris Allen is a more ready-for-primetime performer.) Kris Allen is not the underdog to win this contest because he is somehow disadvantaged and just needs a little love and support. Kris Allen is not some sort of stray spaniel puppy in need of a home. Kris Allen is the underdog to win the American Idol competition because Adam Lambert deserves it far far far more than he does. Some of the web chatter about the final American Idol vote suggests more that people want to vote against Adam Lambert for being successful more than they want to vote for Kris Allen for any positive reason.

Opinionated and forthright judge Simon Cowell has stated in interviews that he would like to see Adam Lambert win. Led Zeppelin does not normally permit American Idol to use their songs, but they gave permission for Adam Lambert to sing “Whole Lotta Love”. U2 does not normally permit American Idol to use their songs, but they gave permission for Adam Lambert to sing “One”. When Slash from GNR mentored the Idols, he posted to his Twitter that he was especially impressed by Adam Lambert. When Katy Perry performed on the show, the legend on the back of her Elvis cape read “Adam Lambert”.

It seems like if Simon Cowel, Paula Abdul, Robert Plant, Bono, Slash, Katy Perry, and a host of other notables all feel strongly that Adam Lambert should win American Idol, then he should be a shoo-in sure thing. But he is not. The reason he is not is that inexplicably hot people with smudgy eyeliner and leather jackets and big boots hate themselves. Now nonconformity does tend to get push-back from the overculture, so I understand why many bohemians do not necessarily expect to always get praise. Getting praise, however, does not mean that you lose your individuality merit badge. You should expect to be able to win people over, when they see what you are really like.

No disrespect at all to Kris Allen, but Adam Lambert deserves to win American Idol. Adam Lambert earned the win. I know, I know, rebels figured out that 19E and the powers-that-be want to have Adam Lambert win, so it would be (oi oi) rebellious to vote for Kris Allen instead. A good rebel is ready to take the power, not just cry like a baby over whoever seems to be an authority. Voting against Adam Lambert is not sticking it to the man; it is just building a glass ceiling for your tribe. Hopefully Wednesday night still ends up being a coronation for Adam Lambert.

Adam Lambert gave American Idol every inch of his love tonight on American Idol. Actually, I have no idea what I mean by that, but it seemed like the appropriate thing to say for Rock Week. After a bout with swine flu, following my bacon-eating tour of southern Arizona, I have been off writing duty for the week, but here is a quick American Idol update.

American Idol front-runner and Blue Blood fave Adam Lambert kicked off the show performing a cover of Led Zeppelin’s “Whole Lotta Love”. At first, I was not as impressed as I usually am with his performances. When the Studio 57 chick started her judge’s critique by calling Adam Lambert a “rock god”, it clicked for me what the problem was. Partly, Adam Lambert has set his own high score so high for rock numbers after doing such a rocking good job with a classic like Steppenwolf’s “Born to be Wild”. But it is more that I found myself, while I watched, comparing him to . . . well . . . Robert Plant, rather than the other American Idol contestants.

This points up a problematic career point for all creative people. When you first start getting good at something creative — singing, dancing, photography, writing, sewing plush dolls, putting rivets on leather jackets, whatever — you get a lot of positive feedback. Unfortunately, when people start to really feel that you are good enough to be a real professional, you start getting judged in a whole new way with a whole lotta different standard. A show like American Idol is fascinating partially because it bridges some of the road between amateur and pro, unknown and star.

So anyway, Kara “Studio 57″ DioGuardi, called Adam Lambert a “rock god” before he has won Idol, much less had a long and influential rock career. A few charting iTunes songs and capturing America’s attention for a few hot weeks may arguably make a rock star, at least for a while, but not a rock god. Puh-lease. Talk like Kara DioGuardi’s is exactly why many Adam Lambert boosters assume they do not need to vote for him any more. Then again, Kara DioGuardi also told the Lenscrafter-endorsed Danny Gokey that he might have done better performing early Aerosmith . . . when he performed “Dream On” which is off of Aerosmith’s effing debut album. How early did she want?

For Rock Week on American Idol, each of the remaining four contestants — Adam Lambert, Kris Allen, Allison Iraheta, and Danny Gokey — each performed a solo song and then a duet as part of a pair. Adam Lambert and Allison Iraheta did a really kickass performance of Foghat’s “Slow Ride”. They fed off of each other’s good energy and looked like they were having fun in a way which made it fun to watch them.

Allison Iraheta said Adam Lambert had hooked her up with his hairdresser this week and her hair looked even more fantastic than usual and her hair usually looks pretty great. In her pre-performance interview with Ryan Seacrest, they give props to Adam’s hair girl Zabria, but I can’t seem to find a Hollywood hairdresser named Zabria on the interwebs, so I might be spelling it wrong. Hair girl has great people to work on there, to be sure, but she’s crazy talented, so I’d love to know the details on who she is.

At any rate, Allison Iraheta and Adam Lambert looked fabulous performing “Slow Ride” and I liked Adam Lambert’s outfit change for “Slow Ride” better than what he was rockin’ for “Whole Lotta Love”. In particular, he was wearing some gray and black striped pants which were very entertaining (and sexy) if one happened to watch The Mighty Boosh on Adult Swim (where “The Chokes” episode is still streaming free) this week and see Dan Brown’s Bollo the gorilla helping Noel Fielding’s Vince Noir zip his super tight skinny stage pants.

Earlier this week, on his Twitter, Slash, of GNR and Velvet Revolver fame, who mentored said “Those AI kids can sing their asses off, especially Adam.” This week, Blue Blood top crush of 2006 Anderson Cooper told Jay Leno that he thinks Adam Lambert is the best singer on American Idol right now. Because most folks watching (or making book on) American Idol are so sure Adam Lambert is going to win, I think a lot of people didn’t bother to vote for Adam Lambert last week, so he ended up in the bottom three, although he escaped elimination. Hopefully, Adam Lambert will get the votes to win it all because he deserves it.

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“Whole Lotta Love” lyrics by Led Zeppelin (and possibly some blues guys they did a legal settlement with), made famous by Led Zeppelin and covered by a lot of folks:

You need coolin’, baby, I’m not foolin’
I’m gonna send ya back to schoolin’
Way down inside, a-honey, you need it
I’m gonna give you my love
I’m gonna give you my love, oh

Wanna whole lotta love
Wanna whole lotta love
Wanna whole lotta love
Wanna whole lotta love

You’ve been learnin’
And baby, I been learnin’
All them good times
Baby, baby, I’ve been discernin’-a
A-way, way down inside
A-honey, you need-a
I’m gonna give you my love, ah
I’m gonna give you my love, ah

Oh, whole lotta love
Wanna whole lotta love
Wanna whole lotta love
Wanna whole lotta love
I don’t want more

You’ve got to bleed on me, yeah
Ah, ah, ah, ah
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ha, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah
ah, ah, ah, ah, ha, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah
No, no, no, no, ah
Love, love, low-ow-ow-ow-ove
Oh, babe, oh

You been coolin’
And baby, I’ve been droolin’
All the good times, baby, I’ve been misusin’-a/Oh
A-way, way down inside
I’m gonna give ya my love/Ah
I’m gonna give ya every inch of my love/Ah
I’m gonna give you my love/Ah
Yes, alright, let’s go/Ah

Wanna whole lotta love
Wanna whole lotta love
Wanna whole lotta love
Wanna whole lotta love

Way down inside/ Way down inside
Way downinside, woman, you/woman
woman, you/you need it
need/Love

My, my, my, my
My, my, my, my/Ahh
Oh, shake for me, girl
I wanna be your backdoor man-a
Hey, oh, hey, oh/Ahh
Hey, oh, oooh
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Hoo-ma, ma, hey
Keep a-coolin’, baby
A-keep a-coolin’, baby
A-keep a-coolin’, baby
Uh, keep a-coolin’, baby, wuh, way-hoh, oo-ohh

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“Slow Ride” lyrics by Dave Peverett, originally performed by Dave Peverett as lead singer and guitarist of Foghat and covered by a lot of folks:

Slow ride, take it easy
Slow ride, take it easy
Slow ride, take it easy
Slow ride, take it easy.

I’m in the mood, the rhythm is right,
Move to the music, we can roll all night.
Oooh, oooh, slow ride – oooh, oooh …

Slow ride, take it easy – Slow ride, take it easy
Slow down, go down, got to get your lovin’ one more time
Hold me, roll me, slow ridin’ woman you’re so fine

Woo!

I’m in the mood, the rhythm is right,
Move to the music yea, we can roll all night, yea.
Oooh, oooh …

Slow ride, take it easy – Slow ride, take it easy
Slow down, go down, got to get your lovin’ one more time
Hold me, roll me, slow ridin’ woman you’re so fine

Slow ride, easy, slow ride, sleazy – Slow ride, easy, slow ride, sleazy

Slow down, go down, got to get your lovin’ one more time
Hold me, roll me, slow ridin’ woman you’re so fine

Slow ride, take it easy – slow ride, take it easy
Slow down, go down – Slow down, go down

Oh come on baby, take a slow ride with me,
Come on baby, take a slow ride.
Oh feels good, mmmm, feels so good, I like it yea,
I feel good, oh I feel alright!

You know the rhythm is right
You know the rhythm is right
We gotta rock all night
We gotta rock all night
You know the rhythm is right, yeah, we gotta rock all night,
You know the rhythm is right, we gotta rock all night.
Whoa, c’mon now
Woo, Yea, Woo, Whoa!

Elevate me mama – Elevate me mama – Elevate me mama – Elevate me mama.
Oww!
Woo!

Slow ride! Yea!

How is it possible that a pop treacle show like American Idol can suck at disco? When collegiate-cutie-marketable-to-preteens Kris Allen did a slowed-down version of Donna Summer’s “She Works Hard for the Money”, I thought he totally owned it because Kris Allen is not a guy anyone would really see doing disco and the song was still enjoyable. I liked it the same way I liked Adam Lambert’s industrial world music take on Ring of Fire. Only, ya know, less so. Because I really really liked Adam Lambert performing “Ring of Fire” and would listen to that again repeatedly on purpose. Unfortunately, almost all the American Idol contestants tonight failed to do disco. What is the point of having a theme, if nobody does anything which really fits it?

Then again, this is a show where they inexplicably added an actual judge who can confuse Saturday Night Fever aka the movie which made disco a phenomenon with NBC’s successful comedy sketch show of the last three decades Saturday Night Live and the revered and legendary disco nightclub Studio 54 with Studio 57 aka the imaginary nightclub in her otherwise less-than-full head. (PS Dear Kara DioGuardi, the guy from Saturday Night Fever is actually John Travolta and Clark Kent is really Superman.) I understand that Kara DioGuardi is otherwise very accomplished and live television is very difficult, but I’d think American Idol judge would be as competitive a position as American Idol winner. I guess this just goes to remind us that not every American Idol winner has gone multi-platinum. Although I predict and hope the charismatic and talented Adam Lambert will.

But this evening American Idol front-runner Adam Lambert performed a molasses-slow version of “If I Can’t Have You, I Don’t Want Nobody, Baby” for the American Idol Disco Night. I think Adam Lambert radiates star quality. I thought he looked fabulous in a sharp shiny black suit and white shirt, and I could even forgive the emo-hawk because it looked so effing good on him. I thought it was both classy and savvy that he thanked American Idol associate musical producer Michael Orland for helping with the arrangement. A man who will give credit to collaborators, while bringing that much to the table, is someone everyone will want to work with, and rightly so.

It is just that I thought the arrangement and performance of “If I Can’t Have You, I Don’t Want Nobody, Baby” was both smart and cynical. I liked Adam Lambert rocking the American Idol stage, never missing a beat as he danced across the whole space, performing Steppenwolf’s “Born to Be Wild” last week. But it got lukewarm judge response. Ditto for Wild Cherry’s “Play That Funky Music” with accompanying quality gyrations. Don’t get me wrong. I loved when Adam Lambert did the very still and beautiful performance of Smokey Robinson’s “Tracks of My Tears”. But the whole alternating slow and fast performances thing just really falls flat when the theme is disco. Adam Lambert obviously has the chops to have done fantastic disco, so it just kinda sucked to see him not even take a stab at it.

Plus the song didn’t really work performed that way. In the pre-song interview with host Ryan Seacrest, Adam Lambert said he was doing the song off the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack. I had thought “If I Can’t Have You, I Don’t Want Nobody, Baby” was a straight-up Bee Gees song, but the movie Saturday Night Fever received an R rating when it came out, largely for featuring a gang-bang sex scene and one use of the word “cunt”. As a result, I was not allowed to see Saturday Night Fever as a child. I did, however, own the Bee Gees greatest hits double album. Many American Idol sites are listing “If I Can’t Have You, I Don’t Want Nobody Baby” as being by Yvonne Elliman. Although she did the first recording of the song, and her recording from the Bee Gees’ Saturday Night Fever soundtrack absolutely did become a number one single, the Bee Gees actually wrote the song and later recorded it themselves as well.

Due to the wonder of the interwebs, I am listening to the Bee Gees while I write this. But I haven’t been able to listen to the Bee Gees in a long time because I tossed their Greatest Hits album years ago in a spasm of cool. Mind you I still have Andy Gibb’s Shadow Dancing on vinyl, although I haven’t owned a record player in an equally long time. Worse yet, I possess fewer than a dozen vinyl records today. I even sold my vintage Runaways album to buy the CD version (and about a bazillion more CDs for what that was worth.) But I own two copies of Shadow Dancing because they are each scratched in different places. I thought it was gothic to like Andy Gibb because he poetically committed suicide, at a young age, over a woman, specifically actress/entrepreneur Victoria Principal. Unfortunately, Wikipedia informs me that Andy Gibb died “just five days after his 30th birthday as a result of myocarditis, an inflammation of the heart muscle due to a recent viral infection”. Some opine that Andy Gibb’s well-known prodigious drinking and cocaine usage could have contributed to myocarditis. Still dying of a broken heart; still goth. Plus, Wikipedia cites 2001 as the first release date of the Bee Gees Greatest Hits and, unless my parents shopped for me with an effing time machine, that is comedically inaccurate. 1979 would seem to be a bit more correct. The internet does inform me that Best of the Bee Gees Volume 1 was released in 1969, so maybe the Bee Gees are just immortal top 40 hit spawning vampire monsters, who can only be killed by a stake through the heart or losing the love of a good hard partying woman.

How embarrassing. I wouldn’t have thought of myself as a disco person at all. I mean, at all. So, no videos tonight, just lyrics to point out why it was unnecessary to slow it down to make the Bee Gees song sound sappy enough and Donna Summer was not talking about hookers.

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“If I Can’t Have You, I Don’t Want Nobody, Baby” lyrics by the brothers Gibb and originally sung by Yvonne Elliman:

Don’t know why
I’m survivin’ every lonely day
When there’s got to be no chance for me
My life would end
And it doesn’t matter how I cry
My tears, so far, are a waste of time
If I turn away
Am I strong enough to see it through?
Go crazy is what I will do

If I can’t have you
I don’t want nobody, baby
If I can’t have you…uh-huh-huh, oh
If I can’t have you
I don’t want nobody, baby
If I can’t have you…uh-hoh

Can’t let go and it doesn’t matter how I try
I gave it all so easily to you my love
To dreams that never will come true
Am I strong enough to see it through?
Go crazy is what I will do

If I can’t have you
I don’t want nobody, baby
If I can’t have you…uh-huh, oh
If I can’t have you
I don’t want nobody, baby
If I can’t have you…uh-hoh

If I can’t have you
I don’t want nobody, baby
If I can’t have you…uh-huh, oh
If I can’t have you
I don’t want nobody, baby
If I can’t have you…uh-hoh

Oh! If I can’t have you…

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Okay, I guess it is debatable and maybe “She Works Hard for the Money” is a song about prostitution, after all, so check out the words for yourself and tell me what you think. “She Works Hard for the Money” lyrics by Donna Summer and Michael Omartian and originally sung by Donna Summer:

She works hard for the money
So hard for it honey
She works hard for the money
So you better treat her right

She works hard for the money
So hard for it honey
She works hard for the money
So you better treat her right

Onetta there in the corner stand
And wonders where she is and
Its strange to her
Some people seem to have everything

Nine a.m. on the hour hand
And shes waiting for the bell
And shes looking real pretty
Just wait for her clientele

She works hard for the money
So hard for it honey
She works hard for the money
So you better treat her right

She works hard for the money
So hard for it honey
She works hard for the money
So you better treat her right

Twenty five years have
Come and gone
And she seen a lot of tears
Of the ones who come in
They really seem to need her there

Its a sacrifice working day to day
For little money just tips for pay
But its worth it all
Just to hear them say that they care

She works hard for the money
So hard for it honey
She works hard for the money
So you better treat her right

She already knows
Shes seen her bad times
She already knows
These are the good times

Shell never sell out
She never will
Not for a dollar bill
She works hard

She works hard for the money
So hard for it honey
She works hard for the money
So you better treat her right

She works hard for the money
So hard for it honey
She works hard for the money
So you better treat her right

She works hard for the money
So hard for it honey
She works hard for the money
So you better treat her right