I’ve always thought that the scent of certain foods should be packaged as cologne. Who wouldn’t want to lick someone who smelled like fresh doughnuts in the morning? Baked goods in general can provoke this sense. I find Mrs. Fields cookies uninteresting as a food, but they smell so damn alluring in the mall; I just want to get close to them. Even certain frozen foods, like Stouffer’s mashed potatoes, smell like the sort of thing that could make a prospective partner’s mouth water. I’d love to have a really good coffee body spray. Heck, I want to roll around naked in a two person tub full of Intelligentsia Black Cat espresso beans.

Taking this concept one step too far, Burger King (aka the people who brought you a pervert Subservient Chicken in garters), have introduced Flame body spray for (I think) men.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and admit that, although I did used to enjoy Burger King chicken tenders, I haven’t eaten them in many many years and I never ever liked the Whopper. On school field trips as a child, I did always vote for Burger King where they sort of had food and didn’t object to leaving off the disgusting fast food spreads. BK, where I could have it my way, was clearly superior to McDonald’s where pretty much nothing, except the french fries, was remotely food. Some of my classmates would want to go to a place called Micky D’s and it took me ages to figure out this was a hip (if you are like eight-years-old) way to refer to McDonald’s.

Genius demented ad copy for the body spray scent like working in fast food:

“The WHOPPER sandwich is America’s favorite burger. FLAME by BK captures the essence of that love and gives it to you. Behold the scent of seduction, with a hint of flame-broiled meat.“

My favorite burger is one I cook myself, pan fried well done, with goat cheddar on top, and no bun, and no spread, and no rancid pickles. If we are taking all of the Americas into account, the best burger meat I’ve ever had was in Brazil. My next favorite burger is the Kobe beef burger from Lucky Devils on Hollywood Blvd, well done, with bacon and cheddar on top, bun and aioli and broccoli on the side. And, yes, I know they don’t have it that way precisely on the menu. I’m not sure I’d want to smell like it, even made precisely the way I love most, but so it goes.

Flame Burger King cologne is available for online purchase from Ricky’s Halloween Costume Superstore, the site for which explains that it is “The hottest, funkiest, craziest costume shop in New York City!” At the very least, it is your go-to spot if you want to get that BK burger funk all over your bod.