Punch Robert – That Doesn’t Make You A Model

One of the oddest impacts of the internet is that being actually famous has become super unfun and being even a teeny bit internet famous can lead to a lot of the same headaches real famous people have — privacy invasion, unflattering paparazzi pics, strangers saying mean stuff — only without the resources actual successful famous have, like money and lawyers and sycophants to assure them the haters are all losers.

Robert James Hoffman is mostly a dancer/choreographer, but he got internet famous for his hilarious and catchy That Doesn’t Make You A Model video, making fun of girls who think a few snapshots of themselves on the internet mean they are models. Every time I see an altmodel from East Bumfuck talking about how her dream is to be on the cover of Vogue … when she has never even done a serious alt shoot, has zero of the physical qualifications, can’t name anyone who has ever been in or shot for Vogue, and has never purchased an issue of Vogue … well, I restrain my desire to help this viral video become a bit more viral. Among my friends, I refer to ModelMayhem as being a LARP. If you don’t know what LARPing is, ask someone who tells you they are such a geek, while they are working as a booth babe at Comic Con. (Then you can feel okay about not knowing what LARPing is, because they won’t know either.)

For anyone who thought excessive embrace of delusions of modeldom was exclusive to girls with nifty-colored hair, Robert James Hoffman is here to tell you that ain’t so.

I do feel kind of sorry for the specific girls whose pictures are used in the Punch Robert video. Partly, separate from the context those pics were posted in, I don’t know if they had a bunch of insanely self-satisfied rude text accompanying the images or if they were just regular photos people posted on their profiles. As their attorney, I would suggest that these are copyrighted images and they are not public figures, unless of course they are so delusional that they believe they are big stars. Then they are screwed.

iTunes: http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/that-doesnt-make-you-a-m…
PERMANENT LINK AT: http://www.break.com/index/that-doesnt-make-you-a-model-song
Your support is appreciated!

Artist: Songbird
Producer: JL Brown http://www.myspace.com/jl
Written, Directed, and Edited by Robert James Hoffman III
Director of Photography/ Special Effects: Tyson Wheeler Persxll
Featuring: Kato Bonner, Carleigh Herbert, Tyson Wheeler Persxll, and Scheana Marie
Special Thanks to: Christian George & Joey Granath
www.PUNCHROBERT.com

Lyrics

Girl, this goes out to all you MySpace models.
You know who you are.
You got them picture folders talking about model, but you ain’t never really modeled before.
You got the word Barbie somewhere in your URL but you don’t look nothing like Barbie.
And you got that picture on your profile talking about don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.
We don’t hate you cause you’re beautiful, girl, we hate you for having that stupid ass sign on your profile.
Lets go!

Just because you were in a fashion show at the mall
And that’s all.
No No No No
Just because you airbrushed off your C-section scar
That doesn’t mean your stomach is good enough to be up on that car
Anyone can get a Model Mayhem account, that doesn’t make you a star
Non of the photographers in your Top 8 even know who you are
And just because you hand out Bud Light key chains at the bar you work at, that doesn’t make you a Bud Light Model.
That just means you work in a bar

No-no-no-no-no, someone had to tell you so
So I’m here to tell you girl
That doesn’t make you a model
Woah-woah-woah-woah-woah, girl, you need to take it slow
So I’m here to tell you girl
That doesn’t make you a model

Buck tooth, belly crease, cross eyed, man-looking, alien face, raw tiger face
You never seen Adriana Lima pucker her lips to the side and make a peace sign
That’s MySpace Face!
You ain’t posing, girl, that ain’t it, girl!
You’re just trying to hide your skinny ass lips, girl
Just because you were on the Princess Jasmine float when you were 9
Did someone punch you in the face, baby? You ain’t fine.
Using Photoshop to add that YSL design
Unless that supposed to stand for, “Yo Someone Lied”
Ah ah you want it
Ah ah I got it
Ah ah ah ah then come and get it
Girl, yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

No-no-no-no-no, someone had to tell you so
Had to be the one
That doesn’t make you a model
Woah-woah-woah-woah-woah, girl, you need to take it slow
So I’m here to tell you girl
That doesn’t make you a model

Being hot will get you attention girl.
But not being batshit out of your fucking mind crazy will get you respect.

Shortlink:

Posted by on July 20, 2011. Filed under Art, Headline, Manifesto, Music, Personalities, Trade/Business. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

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