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So last night at my bar a buddy of mine was talking about how this girl we know is dating this dude who's a known STD carrier and a scumbag. He said, "Yeah, but just cause she's dating him doesn't mean she has anything." and I replied with, "Are you fucking kidding? Then why is Dustin Hoffman flying a helicopter around her twat?"
I think that was one of my better ones based on audience reaction. What's yours?
Fuck Christmas.
Deciding whether to contribute or mock you for starting a thread to show off what a good joke you made...
Think I'll stick with the ridicule bit. My lines are best served in context.
That's the reason I gave context in my story. You fail.
It's not context if you're giving it. At that point it's an explanation, and explanation is like kryptonite to funny.
Nah it's called a set-up and most jokes have 'em.
I fucked your mom, and gave her the AIDS.
I plan on using that one at the company chrirstmas party this afternoon.
Most jokes are horribly desperate attempts to adapt a scenario imagined or experienced by someone else to a format wieldable by people not sharp enough to be witty reactively. Coincidence?
Yeah, and having read several of your posts I'm quite sure that you haven't seen funny since they discontinued the original model back in the 50's you pompous ass.
See, that's better. But now try to imagine recounting that to a third party after a 'set up' explaining what a pretentious twat I am. Does that work?Quote:
Originally Posted by Rockwulf
No. No, it doesn't. It just makes you sound unduly proud of something that, on the pedestal you just erected for it, sounds round-out mediocre.
You should enjoy your moment while it's fresh. Live, don't relive.
How about you go ahead and start without me, I'll catch up later.
In what respect charlie?Quote:
Originally Posted by Rockwulf
"You're Bi?' "yeah" "well when you're that ugly you need every chance you can get right?"
ha:DQuote:
Originally Posted by Velvet-Tongue
To an MP that pulled me over because I had no front license plate because the state it was registered in didn't require I have one.
MP: Specialist, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Private, because you're an MP with no rank and have nothing better to do?
Yeah, I got in a little trouble.
i used to love hearing:Quote:
Originally Posted by nathanmbailey
MP: Don't get your rank confused with my authority...
ME: don't get your authority confused with mine...
used to piss off a lot of MPs when we had "get out of jail free" cards in certain places...
i hate MPs...
I'm not funny.
think about how much it must suck to be an MP though.Quote:
Originally Posted by jonny.illuminati
in my job I have to "enforce" a bunch of petty, pointless arbitrary seeming rules. granted they're there for a reason, but getting people to understand the reasons is an exercise in aggravation. I swear my job is like being a kindergarten teacher for adults, or a fucking hall monitor for supposedly fully grown people... it just blows, because this is all stuff that people should just fucking know better about anyway.
anyway, I have no experience with MP's so maybe they're a special breed of shitty. it would massively suck to be LEO of just about any type though I think.
You think MP's got it bad? At least military personnel have a rank and chain of command.
Try doing concert security for a fucking Allman Bros. show where 99% of the crowd are fucking judges and lawyers and old enough to be your dad but they're all high out of their minds and you have to keep them in line...
You should just calm them down with some Geritol.Quote:
Originally Posted by Rockwulf
I don't get the dustin hoffman bit
when i'm funny, it's so spontaneous it startles me and i forget what the hell it was i just said.
i still remember one time i had my tyler laughing for like five minutes because i made a brilliant retort to something on tv. fuck if i know what it was.
generally, though. i'm just not funny.
i think my best line is "so's your mom."
-_-
*seriously doesn't get the dustin hoffman thing*
You people need to watch Outbreak. Great movie and you'll be able to get the joke.
Fuckin' monkeys. Always bringing deseases.Quote:
Originally Posted by Rockwulf
That's no way to talk about Cuba Gooding Jr.
Please. Have you seen him in "Radio"? I rest my case.
I need you like Ben Affleck needs acting school,
He was terrible in that film,
I need you like Cuba Gooding needed a bigger part,
He's way better than Ben Affleck,
And now all I can think about is your smile,
And that shitty movie too,
Pearl Harbor sucked and I miss you
Well that's what got you into this mess in the first place wasn't it?Quote:
Originally Posted by Ajax Knucklebones
Next time remember the condom.
:doh:
What can I say? The monkey told me he was clean. Fuckin' lyin' monkeys.Quote:
Originally Posted by Buster Friendly
This joke is neither comical, or imiginative... you failQuote:
Originally Posted by Rockwulf
Don't you remember the words of our dear old Uncle Al Jorgensen?Quote:
Originally Posted by Ajax Knucklebones
"Never trust a monkey"
Some of he funniest stuff I come out with is compleatly random.
The one example I can remember:
"Try it and Ill McSmack you upside the head"
"BAM! He turns into a McNugget!"