Cool Funny Jokes

Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."


Girls Night Out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

What's your name?
Magnolia.
What's your whole name?
My hole name is Pussy.

I want to buy a race horce and name it My Face, just so I can go to the track and hear all the women yell "Come on My Face!"

two irishmen walk out of a bar.......hey, it could happen.

This little guy is sitting at the bar when a massive man walks up to him, karate chops him knocking him senseless and says "That was a Karate chop from Japan"
Bout a week latter the little bloke is at the bar again when the other man walks up to him and and punches him in the face. As the little guy hits the ground he hears the big man says "that was an upper cut from America."
Next week the big guy walks into the bar but the litte guy is nowhere to be seem. The man sits down and orders a beer when the little guy smashes him in the head with a shovel and says "That was a shovel from my shed."