Am feeling really "goth" towards life right now.

So finally the grand circuits been completed. Graduated highschool, made it through college, got a job I've wanted for 5 years but it all feels so damn empty.

I know we go through life a lot of us very idealistic. Especially when you're young. So this shouldn't have come as a complete shock to me, but, being an adult is pretty shitty. I wanted to be a cop for years so that I could help people, be there for folks, catch bad guys and eventually go into counter-human trafficking. I thought looking into the mirror that..that idealism is a good thing and I'll meet alot of people just like me who I'll connect with.

/pause for laugh track.

It seems this occupation attracts a few idealists who want to help people..but it also attracts a lot of bigotry, xenophobia and insecure men who can't be quietly confident. No they have to be the loud assholes. Ex-soldiers just back from the desert that wanna come and beat ass and take names, Christian crusaders up on their soap boxes preaching their black and white authoritarian view of the world. People with limited windows into the outside world. People that have grown up in small towns and been surrounded by sameness their whole lives. Now they will be around different people all day, every day and don't have the educational training to be introspective or neutral.

And this is just in the academy.

Needless to say, I feel incredibly "run through the washer". I feel isolated and rather alone. I gave away a lot of my personal freedom, individuality and rights to chase the idea of duty, honor and to chase the idea of a good life spent helping people. Does that make me a martyr or a dumbass? Either way it tastes rather bittersweet. It does however make me so much more thankful for the friends I still have, even though they are far away. It also made me in a way violently rebellious against my new, forced lifestyle of straight and narrow "sameness". Wearing black, listening to goth music and doing nerdy dumb shit on the weekend is a personal rebellion and makes me very happy.

I think for the first time..I realize what being goth is all about. A personal stand against the culture that preaches uniformity, sameness and ignorance. Viva la goth.

I guess as a closer if anyone wondering wtf is this guy doing as a cop if he hates the people so much. I decided to make it my mission to work in the more liberal/educated area and take care of the college kids, goths, gays, transgenders, liberals and alt-religious folks and make sure they have their rights protected.

of all the gangs out there you joined the most messed up..........well, stick with it, I'm sure you'll find your niche in that system

I'm currently going through something similar, mostly the bit about thinking you'll meet people like you and connect with them.
I'm in university, and everyone here is painfully boring, all track pants and flip flops. Their personalities match their dress, I assure you. In high school, I always thought, "Oh it'll all be different in university, people are smart there, I'm bound to meet someone interesting!=D" But no. Not even the people in my major are interesting, they're all bloody hardcore feminists who only care about the plight of women in the Middle Ages, which is a fine topic but not when it's all one ever talks about and when it's EVERYBODY.
To quote a documentary I saw on Crusader states: "Life is a veil of tears, don't study it".

It's good that you're doing something within the job to make yourself happier rather than just complaining about it, though.

Well, if there aren't people like you as cops, the system will never change.
Same thing with teachers, politicians, etc.

So even though it's tough, and annoying to deal with "the system" and the people
who go along with it, I appreciate the fact that some people go into those jobs
with a better perspective on life.

I've dealt with a lot of asshole cops, but every so often I run into a
cool cop. Or a cool teacher, etc. And in some ways, those are the
ones who make more of a difference, because people will actually
listen to you and respect you.

But yeah, it's a common thing to hit adulthood, and not know what you
really want to do. And it's hard, because you still have to do some kind
of job to pay the bills. I guess we all have to figure out what actually
makes us happy. And many times, you won't find that with your work.
Work just gives you money to pay the bills, and you do the fun stuff
with your time off at night, and on the weekends...

I like your ideals, but the police force was a horrible choice of a path to pursue them in. No offense.

You could probably stick to it and make a major difference, mind you - probably more by gaining leverage to influence police culture than by enforcing any actual laws, but that's how all real revolutions happen; slowly and personally.

Seems to be an extremely harsh path on yourself to take, though. I'd say sit it out for a while, see if you find your niche... and if you don't, quit, join an anarchist activist cell, and use your insider knowledge of police methodology to make a real difference. =D