Zenlightenment (tm)

OMFG IMPOTENT ANNOUNCEMENT!!!

Recently I discovered a BRAND NEW WAY of heightening mental awareness recently developed 2,500,000 years ago by Jean-Paul Satre and Middle Easter BuddyVistas and after thirteen weeks of meditation and confuzing NODOZ and PROZAC again I have gained LIKE NINETEEN and SEVEN pie-baked black-bird like points of WISDOM INTELLIGMENCE and CHARISMA and have gained ENLIGHTEMENT and 1,100,009 XP!! (though why anyone would want DER LIVINGBLACKBIRDFOOD ((That's Germain) is still beyond my prowers because of reasons of guano in my guacamole fucker)
I have become so smart I can now answer any of teh feeble asking hurling question-begs that any of you Bloody Mindeds cared or dared or even prepared (omfg you guys are DEDICATED) to make ASKED towards me!! My powers are so SPINECRUSHINGLY great that most my answers are now NEITHER "I AM not KNOWING YOU CUNTCHEWNG MARSHMALLOWEE!!!~ SSAY twentymillionteen Ave Hail Maries before bed!!!" NOR "MISTFORM ULTIMAS" (if you get this one then give yourself 4,120 XP and get a life you oberachtungzauberergeek ).
UNFORTUNATELY as my knowledge is so amazing I am envied by the world and have been loudly perforated and declared in the USSA (And Canadia, state #51) as a PUBLIC ENEMA NUMBER 5 (numb) and am a HATE FIGURINE throughout most of EUROPE: Teh PEACELOVING HUNS even though I learnded their language for those fuckers need my assing anecdotes shitstyleeee (with extra flies) now will not allow me in the roadtorn region they had slapped into them as terrortory, despite my Chaotic Jewish Alignment and +5 Lederhosen of Beef Seduction.
Even now, I hide like some specimen of cockingroach in a Greek seafood bar skulkulating in Wales, the land of soggy sheep, hunted day and night by FIERY DEMONS of the APORKALYPSE (it's just not kosher) and SINGING NUNS with Machettes of ME SLAYING and inferiority complexes (induced by internet surfing for other nun friends and shamed by their lack of latex and phallic crosses), surviving only on the blood of the wicked G dawg blingin phat wesside chavvy motherporkers I claim as victims of my carnivorous wrathticles, turnips, leaks, and kebabim, hidden by nubile farmgirls with pendulous bosoms who desire only in life to smother faces with joyful glee and large amounts of mammaryflesh: spurning away advances (but I can CHANGE, I SWEAR fuckdickshit) and spewing forth my knowledge like some great slipped buttplug of protection from diarrhea.
For you, my fellow bloodlovers, I am here to act as a supository of ALL KNOWING KNOWLEDGE and will heave forth unto ye mighty brainings of delight, answering manifold questions about AND NOT ABOUT the dogmolesting little nuts you claim to be "Pecans" (hence "Pekanese", from croatian "victim").
Please ask your questions with VIGOUR AND DELIGHT, and begin nnow, for my rotund mass of skinniness will only wait SO LONG before I flee forth to the awaiting arms of another farm-based nonsheep orifice.
Word?

PS: I will answer any questions at all, even yours, yes, you, you know who you are, please stop leaving decapitated cats on my doorknob.