Incredibly stupid things you have heard people you know say.

I am not putting names to who said these... to protect .

At a railroad crossing where no train was around and causing a major pileup, there was an unmarked police car right in front of us. I was not driving : "If that cop goes past that and gets hit by a train, he could get in a lot of trouble and be fired."

My response: He would be a dead cop. Not a fired cop.


In a Theological conversation: "Jesus is God's son right?"

Response: None.

An overweight woman's statement : "The hair dresser said I had a lot of body when I went to the salon today"

Response: "I could have told you that for free."

Me: How deep is your pool?
Old friend from 97': 6 feet 12 inches.

"It's half a feet away from you"

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Raven0129

"It's half a feet away from you"

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LOL, that's pretty good.

"What's an assasination?"

"Oh my god. I hate genocide. It sucks."

Just let me put it in a little


lol

"I will poke your eye out"...

Let me see how you can poke an eye out... You can poke it in, but YOU CAN NOT POKE IT OUT

A friend, who was born in the US. "What does Hawaiian money look like?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Raven0129

"It's half a feet away from you"

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i hate you so much.
I MEANT TO SAY THAT I SWEAR!!!!
you get no sex.

I dont know if yall have seen that fed ex commercial with the fishermen sorting out the lobsters and one of the guys says "What are we gonna do with all these lobsters?" etc etc.. so when the commercial finishes.

Friend: "Man, fed ex got crabs!"

Me: "Dude.. those are LOBSTERS...."

hah omfg... that is freaking awesome.

I was "insulted" by some Chavs a while back by the phrase, "Hairy Goth!" I mean, how did they know? Was the fact that my hair is to my waist, or that I was wearing all black leather and listening to Goth music at the time? ;)

Conversation with a former coworker about a magazine I got published in:

Coworker: "So is this a true story?"

For reference it was about a demon getting fucked then killed.

Me: Blink..."No."

Coworker: "It seemed pretty real to me."
~

Just after I'd gotten a buzzcut and purple dye job:

Random dickhead: "Your hair is really short."

Me: "Yes it is."

Random dickhead: "So that means you're a dyke right?"

Me: Blank 'I hope you die' stare.
~

Just recently as I was standing waiting for my bus and reading a book.

Crackhead: "That a book?"

Me: Blink..blink...blink "Yeah."
~

When I was working at a strip club...conversation with a feature dancer.

Her: "Those are implants right?"

Me: "No."

Her: "No I mean they are fake. Saline right?"

Me: "No I grew them myself."

Her: Grab, shake, squeeze. "They feel real. Your surgeon is really good."

Me: Sigh. "Yeah gotta love that Titty fairy."

Her: Blink..stare...head tilt... "what?"

At least it made most of the other girls laugh.

at disney

"the great movie ride... is this a ride?
no it's a petting zoo

when hte streets are cleared in the magic kingdom
"is there going to be a parade?
no they're cleaning the streets.

"what time is the three o'clock parade?"
2:59

Quote:

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When I was working at a strip club...conversation with a feature dancer.

Her: "Those are implants right?"

Me: "No."

Her: "No I mean they are fake. Saline right?"

Me: "No I grew them myself."

Her: Grab, shake, squeeze. "They feel real. Your surgeon is really good."

Me: Sigh. "Yeah gotta love that Titty fairy."

Her: Blink..stare...head tilt... "what?"

At least it made most of the other girls laugh.

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omg... that is really sad heh... maybe she traded in her brains for her tits??

"hey I didn't know you were american, you dress more like a canadian"

Person 1: Well, the woman just lost her husband and has been having financial difficulties.

Person 2: Was she a widow woman?

Person 1: No, actually , she was kinda tall.

Apparently Person 1 thought that Person 2 said little, not widow.

Sam goody just put the "Bon Jovi's Greatest hits" on Sale... I am standing near the album rack, and I see this chicks standing there looking at the album..

Me: "So you like Bon Jovi?"

Her (holding greatest Hits album): "Yeah, they are a great NEW band!"

WTF?????????????

and the other music related one

I was a high school senior, and a freshman is wearing a Pink Floyd shirt..

Me: "You like Pink Floyd huh?"

Him: "Yep, He is a great singer"

I think that those two people eventually married and had musically retarded children.. Watch out for them.. they will be waiting in line for the "Hottest New Album" By New Kids On The Block

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Bondage Clown

Sam goody just put the "Bon Jovi's Greatest hits" on Sale... I am standing near the album rack, and I see this chicks standing there looking at the album..

Me: "So you like Bon Jovi?"

Her (holding greatest Hits album): "Yeah, they are a great NEW band!"

WTF?????????????

and the other music related one

I was a high school senior, and a freshman is wearing a Pink Floyd shirt..

Me: "You like Pink Floyd huh?"

Him: "Yep, He is a great singer"

I think that those two people eventually married and had musically retarded children.. Watch out for them.. they will be waiting in line for the "Hottest New Album" By New Kids On The Block

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Not quotes, but still music oriented. I haven't figured out who it is yet, but someone at work keeps filing Lynyrd Skynyrd in 'S' and the Violent Femmes in 'F'. I'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt for Lynyrd Skynyrd, but the Violent Femmes?!?

maybe they have dyslexia

You know they could be reversing the names as in Doe, John...

Some people feel that they need to file things like that

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Bondage Clown

I was a high school senior, and a freshman is wearing a Pink Floyd shirt..

Me: "You like Pink Floyd huh?"

Him: "Yep, He is a great singer"

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Don't forget Led Zeppelin... he's good. I heard people doing the same thing through jr. high and high school. I guess they didn't know who the band actually was, so assumed it was one person and wanted to be cool. Did you used to go to a concert and wear the shirt the official tour shirt next day too BC? The Rolling Stones 1980 was my most impressive shirt, it was great.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Mirren

Don't forget Led Zeppelin... he's good. I heard people doing the same thing through jr. high and high school. I guess they didn't know who the band actually was, so assumed it was one person and wanted to be cool. Did you used to go to a concert and wear the shirt the official tour shirt next day too BC? The Rolling Stones 1980 was my most impressive shirt, it was great.

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Of course I did.. but mine was the Less Than jake shirts.. cause I was not about to get screamed at, and berated for asking for a concert shirt when I was a young one. :thumb:

a girl a used to hang out with when a commercial for starving artists came on tv "why dont they eat"....she was completely serious and it took about half an hour for me and a few others to explain to her what a starving artist is and that they do eat

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Nudemuse

Random dickhead: "Your hair is really short."

Me: "Yes it is."

Random dickhead: "So that means you're a dyke right?"

Me: Blank 'I hope you die' stare.

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"Your head has three holes in the front. So that means you're a bowling ball, right?"

Disclaimer: I work at a vocational school. One of the things I teach is metric and english measurement conversions.

"Well how long is a foot?"

"How many inches are there in a foot?"

"How many pounds are in a meter then?"

On the test, obviously, they have to be able to convert back and forth. I make it easy by showing them how with just two numbers they can do linear and weight measurements.

"You mean we have to memorize TWO numbers???"

I also teach the computer class.

"How do I type my name?"
"... with the keyboard."
"Oh."

I got that one on Thursday. I'm not joking. I showed her how to open word, then told her to type her name. She's about 20.

Back in college, my speech and diction teacher wold read to her classes an actual answer she got on one of her tests where you had to describe the breathing process from inhale to exhale. This one student basically got it correct, except after pulling the air into the lungs, through the bronchial tubes and bronchioles and so forth until the air finally ended up in the fallopian tubes before being exhaled.

fallopian tubes are not the place for air!! that could be deadly even omg :S

paraphrasing-

"thousand island dressing tastes like pussy. blue cheese dressing is for fags." a. levey

my girlfriend's oldest borther while playing a rousing game of tony hawk:
"whose the bitch now?"
me:"YOUDABITCH!"

Quote:

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Originally Posted by VoldtaEngler

Me: How deep is your pool?
Old friend from 97': 6 feet 12 inches.

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Niiice.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Morning Glory

maybe they have dyslexia

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on most occasions I'm dyslexic.

A few years back, a friend of mine was sittng in a pub with his father (an old Black Sabbath fan) when someone said to them, "Have you seen Ozzy Osbourne's New band, Black Sabbath? They've just formed!"

To which my friend's father goes into 30 tyrade of who Black Sabbath were and Howbloody stupid the person looks by saying what he said.

-

My parents used to own a Samoyed and one day I was walking her, when a Chav came up to me and said does it bite?
Seeing the Chav is wearing white trousers, a friend says "Not normally, but she hates anything White!" To which the Chav stopped talking and backed away. For those that don't know samoyeds, here's a picture of my parent's one as a puppy.
http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y81...y/Sam_pupp.jpg

My 4th grade teacher said "there aint no such word as aint"

Freind :my grand daughter asked why the sky was blue.

Me : and you told her what??

Freind : cuzz space is a vaccum..

Me: LOL cuzz space is a vaccum ?? lol wtf . Whats space being a vaccum have too do with the sky being blue ??

Freind : What its not a vaccum or its not blue??

Me: i thought it was from light refracting off the water of the planet? its only 3/4 water ?? Thats why the sky is blue,..


THis became a 1 hour debate

Freind :and space isnt blue??

Background info: in Australian Rules Football, one goal = six points.

(goal is scored by kicking the ball between the centre posts; point is scored by kicking it through the posts on either side of the centre posts).

teacher: what's six times nine?
student: dunno.

phys ed teacher, on football field: OMG, they're nine goals in front!
student: OMG! that's fifty-four points!

omfg! this shit happened last ngiht and I couldnt wait to share it here. lol

we was tlaking about welfare and shit at work on break tonight and we got into about how some people just have kids while theyre on it to get more money when one of coworkers blurted out:

"they should have like a limit or something and then shut it off! you know like pay for their tubes to get tied or circumcised."

lol

Message I got on ******* from a "friend" from high school.

"I thought you were straight. It's creepy that you're not take me off your list."

Mmm peace love and understanding right there.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Nudemuse

Message I got on ******* from a "friend" from high school.
"I thought you were straight. It's creepy that you're not take me off your list."
Mmm peace love and understanding right there.

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That has to be the stupidest thing on this thread so far. Like it's relevant what you do in your private life sexually to that idiot.