Disclaimer: I'm really upset, so both grammar and spelling are going to be more questionable than in regular posts.
I called my mother tonight Silly me, I know. However, she likes to hear from her surviving child every so often. If I don't call the she-beast she will launch into a thoroughly manipulative "You don't care about your mother" speech. After having heard it so many times, i could quote it. I understand this. I had some things that I needed to up date her on, like the fact that I got an internship working for an E-zine (this is all still in the works). Mother was less than pleased.
After telling her where I found said posting and some of the details related to it, she went on ten minute tangent about how the internet will get me killed. Granted, there are some crazy folks on here (the internet in general, absolutely no offence to anyone on this site intended) but I apply a certain level of caution with what I say to people and to the sites that I go to. As long as you use a certain level of common sense, you should be okay. I mean, come on, most of us know not to put up easily identifiable information. And even more so, not to meet random people from the net without other people around.
While this pissed me off, it was what she said next that really hurt. And that was exactly her intention. The E-zine I'm going to be writing for is into the community/scene, whatever you want to call it. My mother then said to me, "I have never understood you people's fascination with death and morbidity and crushing depression. This is just a phase that most 13-15 year olds go through and then move on. It's disconcerting to me that you haven't moved on." Things like that you remember verbatim, like the time she told the shrink and me that she had never wanted to be a mother.
Shawn died when I was thirteen and a half. Loosing some one that close to you and in such an awful manner is bound to mess with your head, and I fully realize that. However, for me, one does not have to do with the other. I am not morbid. I'm kinda perky and chipper (What the hell?...poser. Yeah, I can hear it now.) Because I of where I live, it's just safer for me to blend in, so I don't look like a stereotypical goth. In fact, one of my *adoring* friends made the point the other day that at times I can look like one gawky ass 17 year old emo boy. (I was tempted to push him off his skateboard.)
I get that in her own warped way that she is only trying to protect me. However, for all intents and purposes, I have been on my own since I was ten years old. The days when I needed mommy have come and gone. I see her trying to be a mother to me now, and it's simply too little way too late. Some of you will say that it's never too late, but in this case, it is. I am an adult now, capable of making my own decisions. I am okay with who I am. I kinda like me. I might be friends with me, even. I could do without the loud singing off key, but hey? What are ya gonna do?
If I am doing well for myself, am happy with who I am and have loyal friends, what more could a parent want from me? I am curious to know if any one else has had similiar experiences with parents and how you dealt with them?
The situation with my mother has been ongoing for the last nine years. In addition to the whole "let me disowm ny daughter unless she's willing to conform to what I have to say" thing is her boyfriend. We lived in an emotionally abusive home for nearly five years. By the time I left, I didn't talk and no one could touch me because I would bite. When I visit my mother, I end up hiding with my cats in my bedroom because my mother's boyfriend is so much like her last husband. And she doesn't see it. I can't watch this guy treat her like this, and though she does know he's not the best for her, she won't leave him.
So though it really hurts, I made a huge decission tonight. I have to cut off contact with my mother. I know it seems really drastic and like the actions of a spoiled child, but I can assure you, it's not. I'm tired of being told that I'm not good enough, that I'm failing, or any of the numerous other things she has had to say to me. No one hurts me like she does. I tell her this, trying to express what I am feeling, but it falls on deaf ears. This whole situation sucks big time.
