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DO YOU EVER FEEL GUILTY ABOUT YOUR THOUGHTS??
I have at times been guilt ridden for fantasies I have. I try and share them all with my lover in hopes that he will want to try them out with me, but there are some parts of my sexuality that he doesn't really get, mainly the S&M stuff. He accommodates it to some degree but I find myself longing for someone who actually gets mutual satisfaction from it. Then I feel really really bad.......
You shouldn't feel bad about it they are your feelings & desires. It can be tough when it is something that you really want & your partner doesn't. As long as he doesn't make you feel bad for having your desires, maybe you could slowly experiment with him to teach him more about what it is you want. I know that BDSM can be misunderstood many times. When I was working as a Switch, I had many clients who were so relieved & happy to have somewhere to express that part of their sexuality, often our sessions ended up with me just listening to them. I doubt that things will get like that with you & your lover, however, I think we can all empathize, I have had partners who just didn't get some of what I was into.
Haha! I just had this same conversation with a female friend of mine. She's really into BDSM, and her last partner thought it was WRONG. So she always felt bad and guilty about it. Now that she's out of that relationship, she is really happy to find out that there are people who are fine with that stuff, and don't have a problem with it. She mentioned that there is a huge difference between someone who is really into that stuff, and likes it, and enjoys doing it, versus someone who just does it to make you happy.
It would be no different than someone telling you it makes them hot if you rub salad dressing on yourself. Sure, you like it, but it does nothing for me. It's totally different if both people are into the same fetishes and sexual stuff. Then they both get excited about it...
guilty about my thoughts........nope
one thing about fantasies...if you tell other people about them, they're not really fantasies anymore
Every time I look at pics of you naked, Scar.
On a topic like this we can pick out the Catholics a mile away!
Guilt and sex are the backbone of all psych work (too much, not enough, the wrong type, the right type, the wrong person, the right animal....) but the first thing to do is sort out 'guilt' - true guilt is very rare as it needs the person to be isolated from any impacts of their actions. As soon as someone talks about another person involved in their 'guilt' it's protective anxiety - the threat of something being discovered or something going wrong because of your actions or inactions, that will either hurt you or them.
Taking Scar's example (but trying real hard not to analyze her personally) the fantasies are harmless if they're just thoughts, but the anxiety comes from how someone would react if they came into the open. A lot of the time patients say it's a fear the partner "wouldn't understand", so implying the anxiety is altruistic, but it's intensely self-critical too - "does the fact I can't get him/her to understand and like my fantasies mean we're not right for each other? If so it's me that's 'broken' as I'm the one having these bad thoughts". Rarely do they process that their partner will have the same things going on in their head.. everyone has thoughts they don't expect others to understand, and the most open, kinky and devoted couples will still have things they're anxious about revealing. The real question is not "why do you feel guilty about your fantasies" but "why do you feel bad about feeling guilty?"
I've had all kinds of fantasies before, and they rarely involve my partner at the time. I was with a guy for over 2 years, and most of the sex dreams I had involved one of his best friends (who I am still very close to) for no apparent reason, but I found them a huge turn-on when I woke up and played them over in my head!!
Of course I never told the boy about it and that is why we lasted two years instead of two weeks. ;)
I was brought up as a catholic Catholic and have not had thoughts I feel guilty about in a very long time. What am I doing wrong or not?
Interesting. Everyone evoked sex. I don't feel guilty about any sexual thoughts/fantasies I have. I sometimes regret other thoughts that metastasize into serious annoyance and/or rage. Unless they are direct and justified, they just spoil a good mood.
JT
The only thoughts i have that i feel guilty about are the ones where I'm committing horrible acts of violence against a certain person. not saying she doesn't deserve it, but I also feel that with her other afflictions kharma (or whatever) is already punishing her.
I have felt guilty for fantasizing about 2 specific people. One, whom my Rob has expressed am extreme dislike for and the other who is a married man and I like to consider his wife a friend of mine. I have granted her equal opportunity fantasies (as I'm sure many of you would) but I'm fairly certain she would be very upset if any of my daydreams about her man and me ever played out in the real world. Esp. knowing how she feels about sharing.
Other than that, nadda.
As far as the S&M goes, I know what you mean about a guy who understands its part of you, but doesn't really get it. My hunny understands it to a degree, from a psychological point of view, but it does nothing for him. He has also told me that he doesn't like to see me "hurt", not really grasping that the pain isn't like being hurt. I know theres a very fine line there and if I could use better words to make the distinction I would but I think that might be part of the problem with communicating the difference. Its not like stubbing your toe or having a root canal, its being in certain head space. And the giver has to get as much pleasure from the giving as he does from the taking. If one doesn't enjoy causing the other pleasure/pain it makes it harder for the receiver to make the pain/pleasure connection. I know how frustrating it is to connect with someone on every level EXCEPT that one. Which is why I'm getting back into modeling. Right now, its the best way for everybody to get what they want.
~K
That's natural really. I feel bad about wishing "bad things" happen to folks I feel betrayed by etc. I only have violent thoughts when certain types of males do so. I've found its best to just let the anger arise, know its there, then let it flow away. You'll find you pity her as much as anything.Quote:
Originally Posted by keiko
JT
~K and JT are referring to intrusive thoughts rather than fantasies (the brief flash of an idea that it'd be fun to kill that meter maid, or drive a semi into your manager's living room...). Everyone has them and they're believed to be an important element of normal subconscious interaction. There are some proposed links to OCD but it's not to say having them makes you more or less liable to develop it, simply that people with OCD tend to over-stress them.
If any of you want to spend some time reading about surveys of fantasies in a cohort of students, then here ya go:-
http://findarticles.com/p/articles/m...53390353/print
yessir - COED SEX STORIES! (converted into statistics and analyzed to pieces so only people like me find it interesting anymore...)
Interesting. Thanks for the info. With me, it's usually just a matter of thoughts arising and then subsiding. I generally won't stress on em beyond feeling kinda silly over having had them in the first place. They can bring about some amusing bits of creativity, beyond that it is a waste of time to actually indulge them. For whatever betrayal some people may have inflicted on you, 9 times out of 10 they are hurting themselves in far worse ways.Quote:
Originally Posted by Mindgames
Knowing that makes you feel a bit silly in getting peeved now and again. It's a waste of time and energy. It will happen though. No sense in denying it. I tend to score a flatline on OCD.
JT
I suffer from that horrible brain retarding diesease, yes im Male, i have terrible habbit of saying what im thinking out loud to the person, yes really, just pops out my mouth unbidden, while my eyes go wide with "shit i just said that", and i can hear the voice in there head "did he just say..?" sometimes very funny, great for breakin the ice lol, other times im left red faced, usually were the hand was, lol, eg i was in pub on sunday wit a friend and some of her friends, i found myself listenin to a complete dick insult my friend several times thinkin he was funny, i just turned to him and said " so steve, u always been an arse-hole or did u go to a special school?" the whole table went quiet, then my friend burst out laughin and everyone else did, steve just moved lol.
And time i went to a chippy for the dinners for the guys i worked with, one o the guys came with me and we stood in the Q and checked out the very hot girl behind the counter, as we got to the front she served us, and i was lookin at the size of the portion of fish, i mean Huge! like whale size, but i was also lookin at the young ladies ample chest and said very loud " look at the size of those TITS!" not fish, argh!, whole place erupted with much laughter, while red faced very angry young lady took it out on salt and vin shakers, i said a very lame sorry and collected the stuff and left, when we got back to work my mate told everyone! for next few yrs everytime someone went for food they asked did i want tits wit that? Ye funny
I never feel guilty about what I happen to think about. Oftentimes, you get the best perspective on a situation if you allow your mind to analyze and formulate as abstractly as it wants.
Of course, I don't tend to tell people what I am thinking, either.
Bugger thats were im goin wrong! Well im to old to change and well past caring
I rarely feel guilt about anything, so nope. Some of my thoughts would scare most people.
hahhaha would u considering taking a vid of yourself like for one day? Your usual routine, but make sure all the goofy shit happens (the phone message, weird comments etc)Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinman
Constantly, even though I frequently remind myself that I'm not actually resposible for my thoughts, only my actions. I've had those thoughts turn into actions one too many times in the past,Quote:
Originally Posted by Scar
I've recently noticed,an increase in the amount of guilt ridden fantasies I've been having, I blame the weather!!
Jackie, LMAO, that would be fun, id luv to go on BB and just say what everyone else is thinkin all the time lmao, but in a closed scene like that im more likely to be the first BB person to be suffercated in there sleep, LIVE on TV, lol
I used to get into, and infact still do, trouble at work coz the boss tells u a wank idea and says so what do u think? Everyone is doin there best noddin dog impression then u hear "thats a shit idea, which retard came up wit that one?" only to find out it was them, oops, is kind o wierd coz people only ask me stuff when they really want brutal honesty, in my world only black n white, aint no shades o grey. Besides i think the worlds water level would rise over night, as everyone pissed themselves at the day to day stuff i say, let alone when im tryin or pissed up lol, but glad to give ya a giggle x
hehe thanks for posting on your experiences. I'd watch em haha (I don't even do tv or even youtube clips generally!) But yeah, don't do anything that puts in a bad situation. I'm definitely buying you a few pints should I ever hit where u are in the U.K. though :thumb:Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinman
JT
ooo! thats a danger, like lightin a firework indoors, seems like a great idea at the time, then as its bouncin round the house u realise it could go off in ur face, lol, but anyone willin to buy me beer is more than welcome, im easy!
All the time ^_~
Never, they are delightful and oh so naughty.
Wonder if I'm missing something ...
As for the S&M stuff ... have you read any Anita Blake, she is beginning to deal with that in the latest book, she has a partner who likes such things and its not her cup of tea. Personally I don't understand but I was lucky enough to find the ying to my sexual yang =D
I went through a period of feeling intensely guilty about my fantasies when I was still living with a previous girlfriend. I was getting more and more into the fetish world and she was climbing the corporate ladder, getting straighter and straighter as she went. Finally, I was so miserable, my shrink told me it was time to be a big boy, accept things and move out. It was an awful breakup, but we both got through it.
My lingering problem was that I become so used to repressing my darker, weirder thoughts that it was now a habit. I'm a writer who's just published his fourth novel. Not being to access the deepest parts of myself isn't a good thing for a writer. Finally, I broke down and set out to write the most darkest, most depraved thing I could, just to get back in touch with my whole brain, and to prove that I was still capable surprising and even shocking myself. The book was called Angel Scene, and it's not my best work, but it did what it was supposed to do--it cracked open my head and let loose all the stuff I'd kept hidden. Doing that exercise also allowed me to go out with the dangerous girls I was attracted to, and helped me get deeper into fetish photography, my second career.
It's a lousy feeling, being afraid of your what's in your own head. Sometimes there's nothing left to do but kick open the doors, bust out all the windows, turn the dump over and let everything run wild into the streets.
Hear! Hear! It's a great party too, isn't it, when all those dark skittering things are finally loose? I remember being younger (and infinatly more reprssed) and being afraid to think certain thoughts while i was in a room with the lights on- or even if there were other people present. Like they'd be able to read my depravity on my face like some kind of large print book.Quote:
Originally Posted by saintgomi
I remember when I first let the dark loose- that is one of the stories i wish had stayed lost. *shakes head* - It was almost uncomfortable, and certainly incoherant. teh more familiar I get with it though, the better my writing gets. ...Now if only the dark came with spell check....
~K
I don't feel guilty. I accepted a long time ago that I'm not the kind of guy who is sexually happy always being with one girl. I usually have a best girl but she is not my only girl. I can enjoy different things with different people but I'd rather have a lot of partners than have one partner think she has to do things she does not like.