John Cleese’s “Letter to America”

Dear Citizens of America,

In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium,” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.”

3. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

5. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”,
but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will
be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called “Come-Uppance Day.”

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables… Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour.

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) - roughly $8/US per gallon. Get used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” American brands will be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ear removed with a cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American “football.” There is only one kind of proper football; you call it “soccer”. Those of you brave enough, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a
bunch of Jessies - English slang for “Big Girls Blouse”).

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable and forgiven.

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.
John Cleese

starrgazr.wordpress. com/2008/02/15/john-cleeses-letter-to-america/

yeah, and Tony Blair was a Real winner.

don't you have some tea to drink, ya wankers?

Cleese didn't write this.

yeah, its kinda funny but doesnt really sound like cleese. i could be wrong though, im only half way through my course on cleesiology.

That's an old classic, been circulating around the net for years (they edited Gordon Brown in, because the original version had Blair in it - when Blair was still a fairly good PM. Yonks ago.)

But otherwise oh so true ;)

post scriptum: I know there are plenty of exceptions to the rule and not all Americans have voted for Bush.

post scriptum two: It's satire.

blair was never a good PM, he was just a bit less sloppy with misdirection back then.

personaly i think blair and brown should be brought through traitors gate

funny thing is alot of americans will take this as an insult cos they dont get this sort of humour

lol the way things are going here, that isnt bad idea... Welcome back to fold the the strongest of Britannia Sons. The rebellious one! Give it a Fews year and we would do it again...

Only if Nick Griffin was the PM, then I would be all for joining.

does that mean we get health care and free college? I'm down.

Dont they pay like 40% income tax though? I can't remember what my friend said but I recall it being crazy high. I have to eat now. I can;t wait for the government to decide when to give me my money back. They have enough of their own.

I have to say if you look at how much money the royal get to blow on bullshit weddings that only last as long as the morning paper they were announced on I dont think the engish should tell anyone how to spend money.


Oh but I will say Herb should be pronounced "H-erb" because theres a fucking H in it..... thank you Mr Izzard.

I thought this whole thing was funny though. I laughed through it and I dont think Cleese would say it quite this way but yeah I can see him doing a skit involving a like script.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by BookOfFaeye

Dont they pay like 40% income tax though? I can't remember what my friend said but I recall it being crazy high. I have to eat now. I can;t wait for the government to decide when to give me my money back. They have enough of their own.

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they do have a high income tax, but that goes to things like health care, which you don't have to pay for out of pocket, so really it pretty much evens out. They have high taxes so the government can render more services to the people, and spy on them with cameras on every block.

yeah thats what I thought but dont you also end up sitting in doctors offices for hours on end and getting health care that really is mediocore at best?

I am not asking to be an ass here.... honest I know only a bit of what goes on over there and not much came from a very reliable source. :P

It's an expensive, filthy, crowded shithole.

Rat infested, cause they do garbage collection EVERY TWO WEEKS
and you can only throw out so much a week because they're trying to control consumption by making garbage illegal.

well thats not the picture I had but I think I threw up in mouth a little..... thanks man seriously O_o...

Chav ridden. The trains are filthy

Dentistry is a joke