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I just heard that a friend of mine is getting married, and my first thought was "I don't want to hear this." my next thought was that I was happy for the guy and that it was well deserved.
But I couldn't help but dwell on the fact that there's a part of me that feels any attempt by people at self-congratulations is a rub in the face.
Maybe I'm just a rotten bastard, but I don't think I'm the only one that feels that way.
I used to. But then again, that's no way to live.
Enjoy what you have, and if you want more, try to get it.
For me it's all in how they say it to me, if they are purposely trying to shove it in my face, or are repeating it over and over again, then I hate hearing about it, but if they're just telling me because they feel that I'm someone important enough to tell, then of course i'm gonna be happy for them.
i don't get pissed off at people success, but I do generally enjoy hearing about peoples failures..
for some reason i too, enjoy hearing about peoples failures, but that could be because i hate 70% of the populationQuote:
Originally Posted by Pull~My~Hair
I dislike hearing about bad people's success, but I love hearing about my friends' success and hearing about good people doing well.
If a friend tells you something awesome happened to them and they mean you to take it as hostile or to feel bad about yourself somehow, then they are not your friend.
If a friend tells you something awesome happened to them so you can share in their joy and you can't be happy for them, then you are not their friend.
I guess i'm just not down with the institution of marriage.
How come? Is your friend's choice of a mate kinda unsuitable for him?Quote:
Originally Posted by Morning Glory
oh, I don't know.
I just think it's a bad idea in general.
I do like hearing about it, if it's a friend or loved one...and it's not meant to badger me in any way
I could care less about strangers though..
I like hearing about people's success. I guess it comes down to a definition of success. To me: That's just having a rewarding personal life and seeking out self-growth. With marriage: It's more that I just hope it works out. I am finding it fruitful to work with people in healthy relationships (I do not have a partner). The only rough spot is when it goes south.
When it comes to people who do shitty things and defile things I love: I enjoy watching them fail. I don't consider it schadenfreude even. My dislikes tend to be more intangible (corps etc). I will generally be happy even with the success of people I don't get along with. As long as it isn't blatantly shitty, I understand different people need to do different things to meet material needs and achieve inner peace.
I believe our idea of success in this society is sometimes unhealthy. That's a whole different rant though. I see my friends torn down by others who want certain things. I see people make themselves unhappy seeking things that don't fulfill their true needs and desires. It's more complex than whatever response I may have to marriage (I am for it as a civil contract, it may well not be for me)
OEC
were we separated at birth?Quote:
Originally Posted by Pull~My~Hair
I've been thinking about this, and I think it has to do with these so called pillars of maturity that society has set up for standards.
that has never been my measure of success or self-worth. not that these things are sufficiently bad in their own.
the time-line for development is as follows: graduate from high school, graduate from college, get a job, get married, have kids, retire, have grandkids, drop dead.
and every time someone or me fulfills one of these I feel like they are living up to someone else's expectations, that it's just another step toward the next mark and a sacrifice of personal autonomy.
But, also, contradictory, I feel less accomplished and a sense of failure when I see my peers achieving these things that I have not, even if I don't want to, because they are still accomplishing something and by accomplishing the societal prerequisites, they get to feel a sense of accomplishment . Like for all my ideals, I'm really just a broke loser, so I might as well give up.
that's where the two-fold response comes from.
I think you are very much onto something here. I think one of the most important things in life is to determine and achieve your own milestones and goalposts. I think that falling into that school/work/marriage/kids/retirement/death cycle without self-actualization is what makes people get old fast. The flip side is that, when you make your own decisions, it is easier to get discouraged and feel lost and question yourself more harshly than someone who took the road more traveled. I think it is better to be your own person, but often more difficult too. Being your own person, I think, leads to occasional intense misery, but I think following the horde leads to a constant low grade unhappiness and living death.Quote:
Originally Posted by Morning Glory
If someone is doing well in their life then go them. Hearing about a friend/close person doing well usually makes me very happy.
People that go "Oh fuck you!' "You fucking suck!" etc when you tell them you got an A on your test or something need to stop being lame.
Yeah, someone is pretty much off my friend list if they ever say something like that to me when I share good news. Maybe this is just a definitional thing, but I feel like a real friend feels bad for your misfortunes and joy for your triumphs.Quote:
Originally Posted by Velvet-Tongue
While I am happy for my friends acheivments, it does come down to wether it affects me or not
I do hate hearing about 'bad people' being successfull through shafting others....( I deal with too many like that)
my middle name is schadenfreude.Quote:
Originally Posted by Pull~My~Hair
I am happy to death you are success full in anything you do... But do not rub it in, we got we know..
Seconded. Of course, it all depends on your definition of success. Getting married can be a huge pile of FAIL if it's to the wrong person or for the wrong reasons.Quote:
Originally Posted by Amelia G
Quote:
Originally Posted by batzilla
Definitely, although there are people who avoid steady relationships because they think that is for normal people/uncool people/mundanes/etc., but, by the same token, there are definitely people who get married to feel adult or mainstream or something or to apologize for cheating or something and not because they actually found a life partner.
It makes me happy to see other people happy. Happiness can be contagious.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amelia G
That is very well put.
I've noticed that people in general dont want to hear either good or bad....
Me and my husband have had some hard times, and when we changed things, and finally everything was working out .... no one wanted to hear about it.
They change subjects and put the focus back on themselves...
and then we fell on serious hard times again, and no one wanted to hear the details.
I'm speaking of family more than friends.
Friends are usually more compassionate.
I think that they enjoyed watching us fail so that can say I told you so, because they have it all figured out how my life should play out and if I dont adhere to it, then I'm bound to fail.
And if I'm going thru a hard time, and share what I'm going thru, they make light of it...... because if they allowed my circumstances to reach their heart, and not just thier head.... they may feel the need to DO SOMETHING... and thats a direction they're not willing to bend, so they deflect.