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Originally Posted by Vitorro
Thnak you. I have to admit, I for some reason have difficulty saying things. Not sure why, but it is probably due to being more of an in person than online type. I will try my best.
Wish that I could get a piicture to fit the demensions for my profile though. That has me irked.
A pianist is interviewing for a gig. The club owner asks him to play a song to demonstrait his tallent. The man finishes playing and the owner says "that was amazing, what do you call it?" the man replies, " I screwed your grandmother on your parent's bed." The owner, shocked by the title, hesitates but asks the man to play another song. The second song was even better than the first. The owner asks, "what do you call that one?" to which the man replies, "infant cult suicide." The owner tells the man he gets the job on the condition that he doesn't tell anyone his song titles. Later that night the man finishes his second hour of music at the club and pauses to take a bathroom break. While exiting the bathroom a man stops him and says "do you know your fly is unzipped and your cock is hanging out?" to which the pianist replies, "know it, I wrote it!" :yelrotflm
A Pirate walks into a Drs Office and has a ships wheel sewn to His crotch. A nurse remarks, " You have a wheel on your pants" whereas the Pirate replies"Arr it be drivin Me nuts"
In a hospital waiting room a guy is anxiously waiting for his wife to have their first baby, after 2 hours, a nurse comes bouncing though the labor room doors with a little baby cradled in her arms and asks for Mr. Johnson, the guy proudly announces " that would be me!" he jumps out of his chair and runs over to her and says " is that my baby?", the nurse replies "why yes!" she starts to hand him the baby, and instead, grabs it by the feet, swings it over her head, and slams it into the tile wall and it’s brains and guts splatter everywhere; the guy then says "Jesus Christ, what in the hell did you do to my baby ? !!!!" she replies, "April Fools!, it’s already been dead for an hour."
here's all the ones i know, if any have already been said, sry in advance.Quote:
Originally Posted by Toe Cutter
whats red and sitting in the corner?
baby chewing on a razor blade
Whats blue and sitting in the corner?
baby with a bag on its head
whats green and sitting in the corner?
two babies that have been there for a week
Whats worse then a hundred dead babies nailed to a hundred trees?
one dead baby nailed to a hundred trees
whats worse then a pile of dead babies?
the live one on the bottom trying to eat its way out
what do bowling balls and dead babies have in common?
they both get thrown down alleys
which is easier to unload, truck full of feathers or a truck full of dead babies?
Dead babies, u can use a pitch fork
how do u get 10 dead babies into a shoebox?
with a meat grinder
how do u get them out?
with a straw
whats the difference between a porsche and a hundred dead babies?
I dont got a porsche sittin in my garage
^ Those
:1orglaugh :D
how do you score with a dead baby?? drop kick it between the goal post
how do you teach a dead baby to swim? put rocks in the bag and toss it in
I didnt really start this thread to become a dead baby joke one, but what the hell Ill put My own in too
As I don't know any dead baby jokes, I'll stick to what I do know...drunk Irishman jokes..
An Irishman walks out of a pub.......
.....hey, it could happen.
Please try the veal and remember to tip your waitstaff.
A Goth and a Christian walk into the Mens room and stand at a urinal. afterwards, the Christian goes to the sink and the goth starts to walk out, the Christian says "arent You going to wash your hands, I was taught to wash after using the bathroom" The Goth says"nope, I was taught not to piss on My hands"
my favourite joke from this site:Quote:
Originally Posted by Pull~My~Hair
What's purple, covered in pus and squeals?
A peeled baby in a bag of salt!
Osama dies and goes to heaven, when he gets there, he sees Goerge Washington and Jefferson and five other men, waiting to kick his ass, he asks Jesus where the seven virgins are that was promised. Jesus looks at him and says," virgins?? No I said Virginians!"
Whats the best thing about screwing the dead?
they won't say no, and can't get pregnant
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Whats worse that paper tits?
Carboard box
A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices a rather dashy blonde
behind him has just raised her hand and smiled "hello" to him. He is
rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him and --
although familiar -- he can't place where he might know her from. So he
says: "Sorry, do you know me?"
She replies: "I think you're the father of one of my children."
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful.
"Holy shit," he says, "are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I
screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend
whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"
"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher!"
racism alert!
Both a American and a Japanese person are stranded on a remote island in the Pacific somewhere. After setting up camp the american relises they are missing a few things and asks the Japanese guy to go find supplies. The american waits for three hours for the japanese guy to return but there is no sign of him, wanting to get the camp fully set up before nightfall he goes out to find the supplies himself, but just as he leaves the japanese guy jumps out from behind a neerby bush and screams, "SUPPLISE!".
whats red and bubbly and taps on the glass? baby in a microwave!
whats red bubbly and taps on the glass every five seconds? baby in a microwave with a rotating plate!
whats shiny and runs into walls? baby with forks in its eyes!
whats red chunky and all over the lawn? baby run over by a lawnmower?
whats green chunky and all over the lawn? same baby three weeks later?
whats bad? 1 dead baby in a trashcan.
whats worse? 10 dead babys in ten trashcans
whats worse then that? i dead baby i ten trashcans!
whats funner then nailing a baby to the wall? ripping it back off!
whats the difference between a pile of dead babys and a cadillac? i don't have a cadillac in my garage!
whats bad? live baby forced to eat its way out of pile of dead babys.
whats worse? it goes back for seconds.
a blonde walks into a bar. the red head ducks.
a blonde, a brunette and a red head are running from the cops
the turn a corner and hide in some potato sacks
the cop finds them and kicks the first bag. the red head goes meow and the cop thinks its a kitten. he kicks the second one and the brunnette goes ruff! and the cop thinks its a doggie. the cop kicks the third one and the blonde says po-ta-to!
whats the good about babys? whichever way you go in you can always achieve deep throat.
whats similar between and old lady and a baby? the hips cracking.
Q: What do chicks and cow-pies have in common?
A: The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
Q: What's the best thing about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A: You know she'll swallow!
A girl is watching her father shower. She points to his penis and says, "Daddy, when will I get one of those?" He looks at his watch and says, "When your mother leaves for work!"
^ ROFL! Damn, those are funny!
:1orglaugh
Two goths are having sex. (Hey, it could happen) Suddenly, the goth girl
climaxes.
"Stop,what's wrong?" says the goth boy
"Nothing," says the goth girl, "nothing at all. Why?"
"You moved."
Whats black and white, and flying?
A goth stuck in the window of my car
what do goth's where as camoflauge?
A suit and tie
What do you do when you see a goth during the day?
I don't know either, but could someone tell when they see one...
Just cause I may act like a goth, doesn't mean i can't make fun of it....
well.... you all know the story about how god created world in 6 days... and then he chilled out for a day.... after that he maded Adam, or was it before?!?! and so on.... he wathced Adam for a while when he realised that he's bothering with all pigs and animals in Eden...so he camed down to the Adam and ofered him: "Adam, give me your left arm, your right ear and your left leg and I'l make you a woman that will love you, fuck you, make you children, make you lunch, wash your loundry and so on......"
after a litlle bit of thinking Adam asked: "What can you give me for a rib?"
now read this! http://blueblood.net/boards/images/smilies2/whip.gif
Why do you boil water when a baby is born?
cause if its born dead, you can make soup.
MM MM Good!
Q: What do you call a dust storm in Manhattan?
A: Trade winds.
I just remembered another good one:
Q: What's the difference between Martha Stewart and a Kit-Kat?
A: You only get 4 fingers in a kit-kat!
Q: How do you get a gay guy to fuck your girlfriend?
A: Shit in her cunt!
Guy comes home from a long day at work, only to find his girlfriend standing on the front porch moving out. He says, Baby, what's going on? Well, she says, I heard from the neighbors that your a Pedo****.
That's an awfully big word for a ten year old, he replies.
I really hate to post this one... but...
Whats the worst thing about screwing a 5 year old?
Getting the blood out of the clown suit...
What did one cannibal say to the other when they were eating a clown?
Does this taste funny to you
If you mixed a clown with a werewolf... you would get a person who laughs at the moon, and can be killed with cotton candy....
What's the best reason to take a shower with a ten year old girl?
Slick her wet hair back and she looks like shes eight.
Someone just told these to me, and I just had to share 'em
Wow, these are starting to get a little tasteless.
What's black and has 27 tits?
The garbage bag outside the cancer clinic.
What is big red and Eats rocks?
A big red rock eater
Three parrots walk into a bar...
The punchline includes the words.. NO but Two Can
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. The first says to the second I think I lost an electron. The second responds, are you sure? and the first replies, yes I'm positive.
Q: What is long, brown, and sticky?
A: A Stick.
thought i'd share my dad's new favourite (very bad) joke....
Lionel Ritchie decides to give up his singing career in favour of becoming a butcher..after many months buying a shop and training he gets his first customer to whom he says,
"hello!...meat you're looking for"
(sung to the tune of "hello, is it me you're looking for)
*sigh* bad i know.
and to make up for above, my favourite joke...
whats the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
you cant wash your hands in a buffalo
:1orglaugh
Not the way I do it. :thumb:Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus Ravenheart
...but you know what they say...
How many animals can you fit in a pair of pantyhose?
Ten little piggies, two calves, an ass, a pussy and I don't know how many hares.
So Jesus and Moses are enjoying their retirement , and one day go on a fishing trip together. The fish arent really biting and Jesus gets to thinking about things and finally asks Moses "Hey Moses, do you think we've still got it after all these years?" Moses replies "Sure kid, you dont lose these kinda skills....watch"...and with than said, Moses stands up in the boat and throws his hands out, causing the water to part and leaving a dry path straight to the horizon. As he brings his hands down, the water comes crashing back down. "See kid, just like the good old days....now you try." So Jesus stands up, walks to the edge of the boat and takes his first step onto the water, only Jeses falls to the bottom like a bowling ball. Moses jumps overboard and grabs Jesus, swims him back to the boat and asks him what happened, to which Jesus responds " I dunno, all I can figure is that the last time I tried this, I didnt have these damn holes in my feet."
Once there were three vampires hanging at the notorious Bloodbar for a few glasses. The first one ordered a glass of virgin blood, the second ordered a glass of the blood of a monk and the third asked kindly for a cup of varm water. "What the fuck, man? Warm water?" the two other bloodthirsty vampires asked contemptuously. "No no no", he replied, and brought with a broad smile a used tampon out of the inner pocket of his mantle: "Tea, boys! Tea!"