For those of us abused at a young age sexuality and really anything sexual is a bit of a fight. One has to face the shame, confusion, and problems it raises as you get older and wonder about what caused it all and in some cases...will you grow up to abuse others?
For me it's been a tough road since I had multiple abusers growing up...some were only a few years older than me while another was one of my grade school teachers. I never told anyone till I was well past 18 and being in my mid 20's now...I'm only now really facing it. Thing is all I've read on it does not bring me much comfort or understanding. It's either overly emotional like a lifetime movie or overly critical and fear inducing. When you're introduced to sex in an unhealthy way as a kid you never quite know how wrong it is till you're older though you FEEL it's wrong as a kid. For me it was like being guilty...only it never ended. When I hit my early 20's I got over some of it but found I missed the guilt. Why I missed it made no sense but a series of very self destructive acts followed to regain that guilt. All of it rather silly in hindsight. I never became like the beasts that abused me...I never graduated to that level of being what is now called a "sexual predator" but I understood them all too well. That to be blunt scared the royal fuck out of me. It's not a fun feeling to close your eyes and see your abusers and go "I know why you did what you did". It makes you feel awfully close to them and makes one wonder how far removed you really are. Statistics show that those abused do abuse others. Thing is as you grow up you see ALL your sexual maturity in a rather two toned light. On one hand it is typical and normal...on the other you wonder if you are acting out like those who abused you. That sense of questioning can really fuck with your head even if you're not doing anything to harm another.
Nowadays though the net has made sexual abuse of minors pretty easy to find if like some officers say "You know what to look for." it scares me these are the people protecting kids...cause they sure as fuck didn't protect me. There is so much talk about downloaders and potential sexual predators...and no talk about those who actually commit the crimes. Mainly cause it's easy to prosecute some idiot with 5000 images of kid porn but not a guy who actually abuses 1 kid. That's not a comforting thought to me...it makes masterbation more criminal than actual molestation. Worse part is that as a victim it can get worse because if you're like me you don't curl up into a ball and cry...you act out and get viciously mad. Without a doubt I visualized those who abused me many a time in ways that surprised me...they became the center of my rage. Not looking like a cliche victim really didn't help since as a teen how do you admit that you were abused to somebody? A sexual abused woman at least has other women who can relate to it and the material related to it is epic. Hell some of my favourite riot grrl bands of the 90's had songs dedicated to it. You don't quite have that as a boy or a teen boy...being abused really does make you feel like less of a man...for a very very long time in ways that are not fully aware to one at the time.
In my second year of college or so I passed my local home depot and too my utter shock I saw the teacher that abused me in grade school with his kids and wife...I cannot describe how hard it was not to get out of the car and beat him to death in the middle of the street. What I hated about him so much is that all the kids in my class loved him cause he let them pretty much do as he wished...not being too popular or a grand student really didn't help me feel I had an voice to talk to about it. So having all that flood back gave me a really good shot of rage that moment...somehow I floated down the road and went home.
For about six months I didn't leave my apartment. Just locked myself away trying to figure it all out. When I thought I had it all straight in my head...something would pop in my head and fuck it all up again. Even now I still struggle with trying to make sense of my abusers and how I see sex and sexuality. Things have not gotten easier as one I am quite close too was ***** two years back and the anger it enduced really has not left me...it's like being on a knife of self destruction and anger. Whiel I only have a handful of days like that they are enough to bug me cause I don't feel like myself. I fond myself wanting to understand and see what these people see when they hurt others in such ways. Is it abandonement of reason for pleasure? Is the answer in those ungodly long psyche profiles? Why can't all these government and police resources do anything about it? All they seem to stop are people after they commit their acts...and why is the video taped exploitation and abuse such a pandora's box? As taboo as it is...it's just a vision of hell that those who;ve experienced understand too well and those who haven't...never do. I mean never. You can study sexual abuse all you want but unless you were abused you'll never understand the mind fuck it does to you.
Thing is I'm too old to be a victim, too smart to be a killer or abuser, and too far from the cliched abused child to get much attention...I thought I was alone in this odd profile but it seems many fall into this as each year passes. What's one to do? Break down and have a good cry? Finally squeeze that trigger? or maybe just accept one got (literally) fucked over and move on?
I know others have had first hand experience with all this...so I'm curous about your thoughts on it all. How did you deal? How DO you deal? and more importantly...has the torment of it all left you?
Sorry for the downer of a story and topic but for some odd reason I just had to write it.
