Best way of disposing of a body?

Okay, you went and did it, and the bane of your life is now crumpled at your feet, slowly approaching room temperature. What next?

For the sake of utility, try to keep your answers within the realm of the achievable - i.e. yes, we COULD put the body in a sack, take it to NASA and fly it into the sun, but that can be expensive.

and, yes, we COULD feed the body to a horde of ravenous flesh-eating ants, but.. well, yes.

lately i've been thinking: rent a deep-freezer for a fortnight, freeze the body solid enough to break into small (1 to 2 inches across) chunks and throw them into the nearest large body of water.

impress me with your creativity. bonus points for leaving-no-traces.

eat it? no, i guess that's rather unrealistic... ok, failing that, rip out all the teeth and crush them, then send the rest of it through a woodchipper (i just think the teeth might be small and hard enough to survive the chipper, and that could lead to some problems if anyone found an identifiable one), dump the biproduct on a pig farm where it won't be discernable from the rest of the muck lying around. (this is of course assuming you have a wood chipper, but i figured if renting a deep freezer wasn't out of the question, a large forestry tool would be fair game)

what id do, is send it to a "thermal conversion" or "Thermal Depolymerization" plant to turn it into oil! they can turn almost anything into oil at these places. its kind of freaky. im not making it up either! there's been a few articles in discover magazine about it. check it out here

a good hole and a lot of lyme usually works for me.

fuck hiding it, i'd just pin it on someone else

Poison,Poison,Poison. It's really cruel poisoning someone slowly and daily but it works. Then you don't have to hide anything. You can practically sit there and mourn with the family.

I have friends that work at funeral houses and in the university forensics area, i can ask them to incinerate the body and throw the ashes to the osean (as he/she always wanted). And yes they would help me.

houses normally have a fireplace which is good for burning burglars without involving imperial entanglements

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Originally Posted by Mirren

Poison,Poison,Poison. It's really cruel poisoning someone slowly and daily but it works.

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thanks for this.

uh, okay, i've got this poisoned corpse here, and it's starting to smell funny. now what?

Incinerate it then gather the ashes in a container, seal the container & weight it down (preferably wights inside it) then dump it in a really deep section of the sea.

Also make sure you clean the area you incinerated the body with amonia so it breaks down any residual DNA.

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Originally Posted by sheramil

thanks for this.

uh, okay, i've got this poisoned corpse here, and it's starting to smell funny. now what?

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It get's buried Sheramil. I thought I'd explained that quite clearly. That was my "mourn with the family" comment.No fuss, no muss.

If I had to go another route and burial wasn't an option. I would hacksaw the body then I'd boil the meat off of all the bones... a little at a time. You have to make sure you freeze this corpse because it will stink of poison. That's a right kaffufle there. Then all the remnants of bone, burn or bury. The flesh can go in the trash bit by bit or be buried. Up to you how involved you wanna get.

I got a good one, just go to a cemetary and dig up someone elses grave. after 2 weeks a human body without preservation will be a skeleton, so figure if you got a stiff in the dirt for a couple years, he's dust. then just chuck in the body. where do you go to find a corpse? in a cemetary, of course. No one ever thinks about the most obvious answer.

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Originally Posted by Morning Glory

I got a good one, just go to a cemetary and dig up someone elses grave. after 2 weeks a human body without preservation will be a skeleton, so figure if you got a stiff in the dirt for a couple years, he's dust. then just chuck in the body and no one will ever think to look for it there, where do you go to find a corpse? in a cemetary, of course. No one ever thinks about the most obvious answer.

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Hey, that's not bad.

interesting ideas, but first before you do anything else , get a good tarp, in fact that should be handy before you do the deed

now what options are there? freezing and breaking, try it on a side of beef and see.burning in the fireplace, better watch it, your nieghbours might show up thinking your having a mega barbecue , graveyard's got many nosey people, woodchipper's insanely messy the hole idea is still the best, just make sure you dig real deep, dont be lazy

Me, I'd just hang him on a cross outside some church and see what happened

I would cast the body in bronze and sell it to some snooty rich folk. Who would suspect there was a real body inside. It would be sealed and no smell would escape, and eventually the body would decompose. I would be a world renouned artist and celebrated for my true life art studies. Then I would have to go on a killing spree to satisfy all the order for my new works.

A bathtub full of water, a 10 pound bag of lye, 1000 air fresheners, and 8-12 hours.

10 liters of liquid Nitrogen: $65.00

Used Cessna: $100,000

Dropping the dead body from a plane at 35,000 feet and leaving no trace of what happend: Priceless

Approach #1: Into Your Cat

Render human body unrecognizeable through mutilation. We want total bone disintegration, hair and skin sodden and hidden in a pile of meat, blood and organs. Adopt several large animals from the animal shelter, kill them, and give them the same treatment. Donate immediately to a meat-rendering plant. Your victim is digested by housepets across the nation.

Approach #2: Into Your Lawn

Once again we need to pulverize the body, but we must be more careful this time. Carefully strip the meat from the bones and stack bones in one pile and gooshy things in another. You may want to lay down a tarp first. Grind together gooshy bits until it no longer resembles recognizeable organs. Stop when your gooshy bits resemble a huge pile of meat. Cook this meat as you would ground beef, adding to noodles, stews, whatever. Freeze cooked product and dispose little-by-little in your city's communal composting program as leftovers. There goes the bulk of your body.
The bones are another problem. First, crush them. Powder is easier to deal with. Next, buy several bags of soil and grass seeds and engage in a lawn care program. Mix bone dust with soil before you spread it.

Approach #3: Into The Void

Unless you live in a heavily-urbanized no-wildlife area of the world, there has to be some form of dangerous wildlife nearby. Whether coyotes, bears, mountain lions, wolves, or just foxes and wild dogs, any untended wild area will have some sort of carnivorous wildlife. If your victim has died in a violent manner, this wildlife can take care of your problem for you. Locate area nearby which contains hungry animals. Cover body in BBQ sauce and cut open an artery or two to lure creatures by blood scent. Eventually, all it will be is a skeleton half-buried in the animal dung it became.

oh , right, last time I disposed of the body of an enemy I just chucked it across the road

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Originally Posted by Mirren

It get's buried Sheramil. I thought I'd explained that quite clearly. That was my "mourn with the family" comment.No fuss, no muss.

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i had this image of you mourning with the family, while standing over the body. admittedly, it wasn't a very clear image since i have no idea what you look like, so i had to substitute that character from Little Britain, and he kept claiming he was the "onlieey gaey in thae vullage, you know."

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Originally Posted by Geist42

A bathtub full of water, a 10 pound bag of lye, 1000 air fresheners, and 8-12 hours.

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your ideas intrigue me and i wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

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Originally Posted by Umbilical Lotus

Unless you live in a heavily-urbanized no-wildlife area of the world, there has to be some form of dangerous wildlife nearby.

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yes! now, if only those bastard possums could be weaned off their puerile diet of berries and leaves.

similar to geist post.... bathtub+dead body+strong acid = problem solved :)

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yes! now, if only those bastard possums could be weaned off their puerile diet of berries and leaves.

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haha the possums dont eat dead things where you live? im sure they eat cats and things here...
theyre huge :S

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Originally Posted by mmmcherry

haha the possums dont eat dead things where you live? im sure they eat cats and things here...
theyre huge :S

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Yeah I remember the horby island possums, nasty wierd looking things, and yeah they eat the dead

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Originally Posted by sheramil

yes! now, if only those bastard possums could be weaned off their puerile diet of berries and leaves.

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We've got foxes and wild dogs over here, and they definitely eat the dead. Location-dependant, I guess.

im willing to bet even the squirrels over here would eat dead things. HUUUGE giant black squirrels :S monsters.
always see em squished on the street.

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Originally Posted by sheramil

i had this image of you mourning with the family, while standing over the body. admittedly, it wasn't a very clear image since i have no idea what you look like, so i had to substitute that character from Little Britain, and he kept claiming he was the "onlieey gaey in thae vullage, you know."

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Hehe, that's Daffyd.

One way would be if you can drive, get the person's car, lot's of Petrol (gas) cans, and drive to a remote place (with the body in the passenger seat), get out, put the body in the driver's seat, and somehow cause the car to crash. Then using the extra gas, set the car on fire. Take the empty cans away with you, walk away and don't worry. Problem solved...

Bon Fire Bar-BQ Party...My hometown is very country..So the site of a nice big bonfire to burn off any wooden clutter isnt a big deal

1. Call Local Fire dept and inform them that you will have a big ass fire going on your property so they dont show up and ruin your fun...
2. About 5 Gallons of Diesel fuel, some dead trees, Fir Trees work the best B/C they get Blazing ass hot when all the little dead pine needles start to burn..
3. Place body in the center of the wood pile, and by wood pile I mean a BIG wood pile 4 or so trees...Lots of dead dry trees...Soak the body in Diesel B4 lighting...
4. Get the blaze going and keep it that way..

Cremation Facts...At 1500 to 2,000 degrees Fahrenheit After two and a half to three hours, the process of heat and evaporation will have reduced the body to a collection of bone fragments, not ashes...

5. All that is left now is some clean up...Collect the bones that should be concentrated at the center of the pile and then either A. Crush them using a hammer or B. Simply Scatter them in different locations Perferably Deep Lakes or Rivers, just make sure to do some traveling so that the pieces are not easily put back together

Burn all the clothing that you were wearing whilst handling the body even your underwear. Take a bath and use Rubbing Alcohol to get all the evidence off your body, Cut your fingernails and clean them thoroughly, anywhere the body may have touched get rid of it by fire if possible or use Ammonia to clense then use something to get rid of the ammonia smell...There are a lot of little detail that could lead to tying the body to you...

Or if you have the funds or by chance live in Hawii take said Victim to a Volcano you can either kill them before going or when you get there kill them onsight. Body into LAVA...Lets see the officials fish that one back out...

Once your done Dispose of Clothing and anything else the body touched by fire or "Liquid Hot Mag-Ma" Clense in a good bath using rubbing alcohol to help. And dont forget to use Ammonia in any tub drains where you take a bath if you had blood on you..Just mix some water and Ammonia together and dump lots down the drain...Little Details...

Buy some new swim trunks and go to the beach and think about what you just did over some Mohitos and a Hawiian sunset...Body gone and a vacation too...

Plain and simple for me (though would be a little harder now that Im not in AZ). Put the body out in the desert and let the coyotes consume everything! Noone would ever find anything;]

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Originally Posted by Jax

Plain and simple for me (though would be a little harder now that Im not in AZ). Put the body out in the desert and let the coyotes consume everything! Noone would ever find anything;]

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Handy if you're near a desert, or you could just take it to a forest and leave it to decompose under a huge pile of leaves.

I'd have said hydrochloric acid, but then again forensic investigators have found teeth left in vats of the stuff.

Quick Lime would be my next choice. There was a French doctor back aaages ago in wartime called Marcel Petoit (or something like that) who pretended to help victims of the war escape. He instead put them in a furnace or in a pit of quicklime in his house.
A while later, they found all the suitcases in his house that belonged to his victims. Tons of them.

There's a good book about him called "The Great Liquidator" and it's by John V Grombach if anybody wants to know more, haha!

Quicklime is a good one.

I live close enough to the boonies that it would make things much easier. I'm thinking remove all the teeth (as they don't tend to burn) and either have a bonfire or set the ol woodchipper up near a remote pond and let the catfish do the rest.