Zen Thoughts

Zen Thoughts

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tyre.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put
it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

24. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass...
Then things get worse.

25. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.

26. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

27. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

28. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.

29. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

30. The most important ingredient for a long marriage is a short memory.

Ive got some

1. Women are evil.
2. Men are evil.
3. At least women wont live in sin with your dog.
(posted by not ellis)

he with the clear concious must have a bad memory

If you go to sleep with an itchy butt, you'll wake up with smelly fingers.

lots of really good bonmots :1orglaugh
and some of them really Zen; or is it more Tao that has sth burlesque?

Ten Things you Should Never Say To a Woman During an Argument:
1. Don't you have some laundry to do or something?
2. Ohh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off.
3. You're just upset because your ass is beginning to spread.
4. Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it?
5. You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?
6. Sorry. I was just picturing you naked.
7. Whoa, time out. Football is on.
8. Looks like someone had an extra bowl of bitch flakes this morning!
9. Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?
10. Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded

26 is ythe best!!!!!

words to live by

As I've Matured:
I've learned that you cannot make
someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years
to build up trust, and it only takes
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by
on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big willy
or huge boobs..

I've learned that you shouldn't
compare yourself to others - they are
more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that we are responsible
for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of
how hot and steamy a relationship is at
first, the passion fades, and there had
better be a lot of money to take its place.


I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

I've learned to say "Fuck'em if they can't take a
joke" in 6 languages.

He who walks on two legs in the afternoon and on four in the morning probably had a good time.

The cry of the mountain pheasant in the morning and the cry of the cicada in the evening prove you do have odd alarm clocks.

He who is keen on the dewdrops of the lotuspetal ...should always spare a few yen for the vending machine.

Your fingers can't be of the same length - unless you were messing about with the Yakuza.

Eaten alive by lice and flees -- now the horse beside my pillow pees -- and the camcorder isn't working.

On the opium poppy
a butterfly's torn wing
improves the taste

Goths everywhere are equally black.

Screw one to warn a hundred.

The sly rabbit will have 3 openings to its den, and the sly girl..

A flee on the top of a bald head doesn't itch the chelsea byrd.

A man talking music when he says 'screwdriver' does wear the wrong shoestrings.