Tales From The Barricade

[Rockwulf]

So here's one of the fun stories from my concert security gig.

When I schedule shows I have to call in weekly. Depending on who's in the office when I call, I'll either get to sign up for just the upcoming weekend or far in the future. So a few weeks ago I call in, calander in hand and hit the jackpot. Whoever was working decided to let me sign up for more than a month in advance so as she was rattling out dates I was scribbling on my calender and not paying any attention to who was playing when.

Thursday I show up at the venue with no knowledge other than "I have to work a show."

I clock in at the security office, grab a pair of ear plugs and that nights Data Sheet. The Data Sheet is an indispensible tool for us on the security team. It tells us who goes on stage at what time, who's doing meet and greets and where/when, what's allowed for what show, when to expect pyro, what vendors are going to be on-site that night and all sorts of other relevant intel. When I threw on my uniform and got my assignment I looked at the Data Sheet and actually gasped in horror. I was going to be balls-deep in the middle of a John Mayer show.

That's right, the douche who may as well be the arch nemesis of everything right and cool on this planet, John-fucking-your-body-is-a-fucking-wonderland-fucking-Mayer.

We go through the standard briefing and I'm sent to my post just before the doors are open to the public. One of the opening bands is still doing their sound check. I pulled the plugs from my pocket and started to put them in my ear when one of the other guards, a new hire on her first show, asks me, "Do you really think you're going to need hearing protection at a John Mayer show?" I told her that it wasn't for the health of my ears, but for my sanity. Turns out she had no love for John Gayer either.

So the show goes on as planned and the venue fills up with the expected crowd of lame-ass, white, suburban "tweens"; fagot-ass frat boys who got dragged there by their girlfriends; fagot ass frat boys who went with their boyfriends; and a small contingent of parents concerned enough about their child's welfare to actually go with them to a show.

Then, in the middle of Mayer's set I see 3 grungy, hippie looking kids standing in the aisle. Now, usually when you see people in the aisle it's because they don't have seat tickets and need to be sent out onto the general admission lawn. I go over and ask these dirtbags for their tickets and after a few seconds of them trying to bullshit me I send them out to the lawn.

A few minutes later I see another guard throwing the same group out of the house again and later still I toss the group out once more and tell them in no uncertain terms that if I see them again, they're getting thrown out.

A few songs later, near the very end of the show, I see one of the fucking hippie kids try to blow past me down the aisle toward the stage. I took off after him and gabbed him by the shoulder, spinning him around. He gives me this same stoned, confused look I've already seen enough times that just the sight of it now tells me you're a liar. I say that he's out and point out towards the lobby saying, "Let's go." in my sternest "perception of authority" voice. He starts to go towards the lawn again and I say, "No, that way." and point to the lobby again. He stops walking and starts giving me a bunch of the standard shit. "Awww c'mon man!"

I'm not hearing any of it and I put my hand on his back and start walking him towards the door. "Walk!"
He starts leaning back against my hand and walking very slowly and we have the following conversation.

"Stop resisting me and walk."
"C'mon dude! I'll walk, just take your hand off me and let me go with dignity."
"You lost your right to dignity when you pissed me off."
" But....I didn't piss you off!"
"The hell you didn't."

So normally procedure dictates that for EVERY ejection we have to take them to the processing office but practically we only reserve that for people who need medical attention, are really drunk or really violent because 9 times out of 10, once you're in processing, the cops are involved. So I bypassed the office and just shoved the dude out the door. Unfortunately for me it turns out that the head of the venue was standing right there when I did it.

He comes over to me going "Woah woah woah! Let's work on our *company name* shove there boss!" and he calls the little hippie fuck back over. He asks the guy what happened and this little puddle of puke gives him a totally different story and actually BREAKS INTO FUCKING TEARS. The big man tells me to let him back in but to walk him out to the lawn. I'm already angry at this bitch but then as I'm walking him out to the lawn his friends come up and find us and they start trying to give me shit.

The fact that they were so fucking lame that it was actually funny was the only thing that saved them. They used every excuse their feeble brains could concoct to keep him from getting thrown out EVEN THOUGH I WAS WALKING HIM BACK INTO THE SHOW! I couldn't believe it.

"Dude, this guy is the biggest John Mayer fan in the world! He won pit tickets on a radio contest!"
-False. He had already shown me his regular lawn ticket.

"Yo man, he has VIP passes and when you saw us we were coming back out from back-stage."
-False. Not a single one of them had badges.

And then the best one ever:

"Man, he's John Mayer Junior! We go to every show on the tour!"
"You go without passes?"
"Yeah well all the.....the.....road crew, they know us see?"
"Yeah right."
"Totally dude! He get's VIP tickets to every John Mayer show. He could hook you up but you're fucking with him so we'll remember that, y'know what I mean."
"Look fuckbag, if I wasn't pulling a paycheck for babysitting you little fagots I wouldn't be anywhere within the city limits of this show. So here's what's going to happen. You're going to shut the fuck up. You're going to walk the fuck up on the lawn for the last like seven minutes of this suck-fest and you're going to never let me see you again. YOU GET ME, YOU HIPPIE FUCKS???"

And right as I finished, I did the fake lunge thing where you throw your chest a few inches towards them. One of them jumped back so far that he actually fell on his ass! I walked back to my post laughing so hard I almost fell over myself.

[J. Babington]

Damn dude i'd give you a fucking medal for surviving a john mayer show and for dealing those punks...I would have tried to do the same but i dont have that kind of back bone *high fives*

[Rockwulf]

The only redeeming quality of a John Mayer show is that it's boobiepalooza. The chciks that ran down the aisle past me were just as bad, but instead of bullshitting me they all tried to molest me into letting them go. It was kinda sad really.

[jonny.illuminati]

... sympathy... john mayer show... i feel for you! i would kill myself boobiepalooza or not

i had to work VIP door security for snoop dog at music box last year for his "post BET" awards show... i met so many folks there who were related to him or "supposed to be on his list"... it got so bad i finally suggested actually buying tickets (show was not sold out) like "normal" folks and actually supporting snoop...

THEM: "yo man, i'm just here to support my main man snoop, you know, hook a brother up man, i'm his cousin, he forgot to put me on the list..."

ME: "well if you are actually here to support him, then go buy a 25 dollar ticket like everyone else NOT on the list... that's how you really support him, by puttin' a little cash in his pocket instead of trying to leech off of him and get in free...

SIDE NOTE: Beyonce' showed up... not on the list... i got to turn her away at the door (and almost get pounded by several large "friends of hers")...

[Rockwulf]

Oh man, I'd pay money to be able to tell Beyonce to fuck off.

[jonny.illuminati]

Oh man, I'd pay money to be able to tell Beyonce to fuck off.

it was so worth it... like a guilty pleasure... the big huge Beyonce' bodyguard posse stand off was a little unnerving...

[Rockwulf]

Hell, I'd love if they kicked the shit outta me. The settlement would make every broken bone worth it's weight in diamonds.

[jonny.illuminati]

Hell, I'd love if they kicked the shit outta me. The settlement would make every broken bone worth it's weight in diamonds.

damn.... i didn't think of that! ah well.... i'm outta that line of work now...

[VoltaireBlue]

my sincere condolences on the john gayer show. great story though.
that guy is such a pansy, and I have a hard time respecting anyone who puts their dick in slut bag jessica simpleton

[VoltaireBlue]

Oh man, I'd pay money to be able to tell Beyonce to fuck off.

and I would probably pay money to see it.

[Rockwulf]

If I had infinite money, I'd hire celebrities to make personal appearances at the bar I hang out at just so I could tell them how much I hate them and throw them out.

[Amelia G]

Note to self: Be very selective when hiring Rockwulf for a security gig and fucking never hire jonny.illuminati to do security ever.

jonny.illuminati, do you seriously think the people signing your paycheck thought you were doing your job not letting Beyonce in??? I mean, I've worked enough stadium shows that I know how annoying it can be if you are not demographically on the same page with the folks at the show. (For example, chicks who want to get backstage at a Barry Manilow show are kinda terrifying in a very humorous way.) But being nasty to someone like Beyonce who obviously should have been hooked up is the opposite of what I would want a security person to do. I did an event where the security person thought one of the members of Marilyn Manson who showed up was not on the list (I'd put his nickname on, instead of his stage name or legal name) but security knew enough to let him in anyway and I would have been extremely pissed if they had not. It was awkward enough as is that he kind of thought I might have left him off.

[Rockwulf]

In all honesty I woulda let Beyonce in too. I still may have goaded her security into beating my ass though.

[Rockwulf]

As far as the Marylin Manson example though, I'd probably have not let him in without a supervisor say-so. At least half the show's I've worked have been bands that I'm not a fan of, and a few that I am a fan of, I'm not enough of a fan to know what they look like.

And in the case of Papa Roach the lead singer was standing near me for about ten minutes and I didn't recognize him cause he looked nothing like the videos. (Lost a ton of weight)

Unless it was somebody that I could recognize on sight, my boss says if you ain't on the list you don't get past me. And I like gettin' paid.

[jonny.illuminati]

Note to self: Be very selective when hiring Rockwulf for a security gig and fucking never hire jonny.illuminati to do security ever.

jonny.illuminati, do you seriously think the people signing your paycheck thought you were doing your job not letting Beyonce in??? I mean, I've worked enough stadium shows that I know how annoying it can be if you are not demographically on the same page with the folks at the show. (For example, chicks who want to get backstage at a Barry Manilow show are kinda terrifying in a very humorous way.) But being nasty to someone like Beyonce who obviously should have been hooked up is the opposite of what I would want a security person to do. I did an event where the security person thought one of the members of Marilyn Manson who showed up was not on the list (I'd put his nickname on, instead of his stage name or legal name) but security knew enough to let him in anyway and I would have been extremely pissed if they had not. It was awkward enough as is that he kind of thought I might have left him off.

Strangely enough, the folks that sign my paychecks (and I don't come cheap - resume available upon request... basically 20 years Green Beret, worked security for 2 presidents in Africa, Bosnia, Russia, Iraq etc... Lara Logan, quite a few reporters/visiting celebrities in Iraq...and most of the folks you read about that like to visit shitty places/war torn countries... etc...) are the ones that said, if they aren't on the list, don't let them in. I am a professional, it comes with years of experience. In Los Angeles there are "security guards" and then the upper tier. We are the ones that you don't hear much about. Quiet, armed, professionals. How many door guys you know that are legally armed... any jackass can get a guard card and wear a uniform. We also have a thing called a "radio"... I am smart enough to call Snoops people and ask. The final decision was not made by me, I just enjoyed saying "no" to an absolute Bitch... make no mistake it had nothing to do with a cultural difference, I like Snoop and ALL kinds of music. Snoops Manager was the one that said no. If it had just been a "nickname" mixup, or a cover name mix-up (Brad and Angelina tend to use cover names when they are coming) it wouldn't have been a problem... Professional Security teams are all briefed in advance about things like that and usually we have the major players memorized...they like to be let in on sight, makes them feel special. That's why we are called Professional. Music Box is a small venue. Rest assured, Snoop made sure his parole officer was on the list... he gets in to all the shows for free. Beyonce was left off on purpose, and it was not (is not) my job to worry about the politics.

[Rockwulf]

. any jackass can get a guard card and wear a uniform.

I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.




Mostly because if you're not bullshitting your qualifications, you could stomp my ass.

[jonny.illuminati]

I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.




Mostly because if you're not bullshitting your qualifications, you could stomp my ass.

not bullshitting (PM me for a name of someone on Blue Blood that will verify my lofty claims),

but wasn't meant as an insult, my apologies... there are a lot of posers in Los Angeles, I was generalizing and not directing that comment... don't you turn on me too!

[Rockwulf]

Haha, no offense taken.



But I'm still never gonna hire your ass!










































(I'm poor)

[jonny.illuminati]

Oh man, I'd pay money to be able to tell Beyonce to fuck off.

I didn't tell her to "fuck off", I said "I'm sorry Ms. Knowles, I don't see your name on the list." then I stepped to the side and called on the radio, and confirmed she was not on the list... but as far as her bodyguards were concerned i might as well have said "fuck off" or some variation.

[Bikerpunk]

Like she can't afford a ticket? She's married to JAY Z for fuck's sake.

And even if not, I'm sure she could bat her eyelids and ask anyone in the crowd if they'd care to buy her a ticket, and she'd be showered in em.

[jonny.illuminati]

Haha, no offense taken.



But I'm still never gonna hire your ass!










































(I'm poor)

Will Work for Good Philly Cheese Steak...

...or at least the name an address of a good place to get one...

[Rockwulf]

Ha, deal. Next time I need mil-spec security I'll send you the info for my favorite place.

Nah screw that, I'll even get it delivered.

[Mr Karl]

sounds like a shit job

[Rockwulf]

sounds like a shit job

Nah, it's cool actually. Sometimes it's fucking awesome, like Crue-fest last week.

The pay is shit, but hell, it beats actual work.

[Amelia G]

I didn't tell her to "fuck off", I said "I'm sorry Ms. Knowles, I don't see your name on the list." then I stepped to the side and called on the radio, and confirmed she was not on the list... but as far as her bodyguards were concerned i might as well have said "fuck off" or some variation.

Ah, my apologies. If she was deliberately left off the list (as opposed to folks didn't realize she was showing up or the way her name was listed etc.), then that is a whole nother situation. Seems like Snoop's people could have told her people beforehand if they didn't want her there, but I guess there are divas who would still show up under those circumstances.

[Amelia G]

Like she can't afford a ticket? She's married to JAY Z for fuck's sake.

And even if not, I'm sure she could bat her eyelids and ask anyone in the crowd if they'd care to buy her a ticket, and she'd be showered in em.

#1 Don't be so sexist. I think Beyonce made a little more than $25 before she needed to find a man to make ends meet.

Almost nobody on almost any guest list could not afford a ticket. I mean, do you think someone like John Mayer or Snoop Dogg sends people out to look under bridges where the homeless sleep to offer them free tickets? Guest list is generally intended as a mark of respect, currying favor, and/or being friendly/nice and not an act of charity.

[Amelia G]

As far as the Marylin Manson example though, I'd probably have not let him in without a supervisor say-so. At least half the show's I've worked have been bands that I'm not a fan of, and a few that I am a fan of, I'm not enough of a fan to know what they look like.

And in the case of Papa Roach the lead singer was standing near me for about ten minutes and I didn't recognize him cause he looked nothing like the videos. (Lost a ton of weight)

Unless it was somebody that I could recognize on sight, my boss says if you ain't on the list you don't get past me. And I like gettin' paid.

I think they secretly replaced the lead singer of Papa Roach with a relative or pod person because, although you can see the similarities, he looks so entirely like a different guy. In Los Angeles, I think one of the most important qualifications for door security is recognizing a bit of who's who and having a bit of a good bullshit detector. Venue security inside may just need to be someone who is assertive and clear with people and a bit intimidating, but someone on the door has to have a sense of when they should either go ahead and let someone in or at least check, versus when the person is obviously lying or obviously not that VIPpy. In the Marilyn Manson example I gave, it probably helped security not to have to check that the person behind him in line was also in Marilyn Manson and knew the right name to give for how he was named on the list.

[Rockwulf]

Yeah, so far since I'm new to the company they don't put me on anything like backstage access. The closest I've gotten was working barricade at Crue Fest.

[mystoo]

Nah, it's cool actually. Sometimes it's fucking awesome, like Crue-fest last week.

The pay is shit, but hell, it beats actual work.

AND....you get to push people around at work! If I did that (and it takes mass amount of self control not to) I'd get my ass fired.
I'm pissed I missed Crue fest, it was good yes?

[Rockwulf]

I was only in house from halfway through Papa Roach to 5 songs into Crue, but the parts I saw were fucking awesome!

[mystoo]

Motley Crue usually starts will all their old (BEST) stuff anyway. Saw them a few years ago, they kicked my ass! I have an unhealthy obsession with Nikki Sixx. You see, I was a teenage dirtbag...baby.

[Rockwulf]

I never got big into them, but their first song was the one from "Shoot 'Em Up" and it was awesome.

They do everything right. They have great lighing and pyro techs, great stage presence, great set design, etc.

[One Eyed Cat]

They don't fuck around these days. Last time I was on a list, they checked my driver's license. I'm not a recognizable celebrity though either. I prefer they do check. It's just a show of appreciation by the artist. It's not about cash.

[Rockwulf]

The same people that come to a door when their not on a list and bitch and moan, are the same people who will bitch and moan if I'm on the door and let peole in who aren't on the list.

[One Eyed Cat]

The same people that come to a door when their not on a list and bitch and moan, are the same people who will bitch and moan if I'm on the door and let peole in who aren't on the list.

Doesn't surprise me. People can be ridiculous at shows.

[Bikerpunk]

#1 Don't be so sexist. I think Beyonce made a little more than $25 before she needed to find a man to make ends meet.

Given that message #1 was about as homophobic as the average powerlifting gym locker room, I felt entitled to some artistic license.

I think wires got crossed. This was not about her not being ABLE to buy a ticket, but not WANTING to.

Of course she has her own money, but the man she married is well connected is my point. I was more suggesting that if she did not WANT to pay for a ticket with her own money, not only does her man have connections in the rap world (after all, she's more an actress and R&B type singer than rapper) but is president of a label for Christ's sake. You mean to tell me that someone somewhere wouldn't want to get on Jay-Z's good side?

[Morning Glory]

lame pampered rock stars, and lame rent-a-cops that get a hard on for pushing people around. I think I'll do without either.

[Rockwulf]

Fuck you dude. I was just doing my job.

[Morning Glory]

sure, and your post seemed to consist of being really derogatory to everyone that you encounter and being smug about the prospect of getting to rough them up.

some people are guards because they want to provide security, and some are there because they are looking for a fight.

if all those people really piss you off so much, maybe you should try and find a new job. It doesn't sound like it's worth putting up with to me.

[VoldtaEngler]

I saw Lars from Metallica get turned away at a show once because he wasn't on the guest list in San Fran (Maritime Hall Place). He kept saying " DONT YOU FUCKING KNOW WHO I AM?!"

And the bouncer just kept saying "Yes, but if your not on the list, the headliner doesn't want you here..Sorry. The only way you'll get in is if you buy a ticket"

He left after that. I don't remember who was headlining at the time though..this was back in '99.