Tales From the Barricade (pt. 2)

[Rockwulf]

As the Summer concert season is drawing to a close I realise that I've been lax in my promise to myself to write more. So here I present in roughly chronological order, some experiences that I thought were funny, unbelievable, or downright insane from some of the last shows I've worked in as short a form as I can compress each one. There's one that cannot be compressed. One bought of utter insanity that will make it's own thread. But I'm going to save that one. Polish it, and shine it up real pretty for whatever audience I may have.

Here's my two disclaimers. First, there will be offensive materials within. They may not offend you personally. They may make you so offended you want my head on a pike. That's great. Feel free to bitch and moan about my use, and everyone else in the stories' use, of whatever language you deem inappropriate. We're all terrible people. That said, bitch all you want. Just do it quietly and to yourself. If you want to debate about anyones actions or motivations that's one thing. But let's all be grownups and just say that "words will never hurt me" okay? Second, details have been changed. For legal purposes this is all fiction. Depending on the situation I may have to protect the innocent, or the guilty. So just take these as what they are, amusing stories that I completely made up, but probably didn't.

Thanks in advance,
Your pal Rockwulf


1. "Oops, sorry Sylvester"

One of the venues I work at has lawn seating. For anyone not familiar with lawn seating and too stupid to piece it together from the name, we have seating. On a giant lawn. Now I don't know what it is about grass that makes "civilized city folk" go upside down batshit; but it does. Enter Toby Keith. Now I know you all want me to take this time and tear Mr. Keith's fans' a new collective asshole and make fun of their faux-patriotic redneck ways but I honestly can't. The crowd was one of the most well behaved and genuinely polite crowds I've dealt with and for more than a few of them, the patriotism is as real as it comes. But I digress. I was posted on the back of the lawn in the corner and I had just arrived back on my post from taking in a guy who was pissing on the wall. When I returned to my area I saw about five or six guards involved in an incident so I decided to go see what was going on and offer whatever help I could. When I got about fifteen feet away from this mess, a guy breaks and runs for it with one of our smaller and slightly more "oompa-loompa" proportioned guards waddling in pursuit. So all I know about this situation is:

a. There's a problem.
b. There's a guy running from the problem, being pursued by Security.
c. The particular Security in question stands no chance of catching the particular guy.

So I take off after the guy, I peg him with my flashlight beam and I'm able to follow him for about twenty yards over blankets and lawn chairs and around patrons. When I get within arms length of the dude, I lunge, turning my big ass into a cannonball with hands. I wrapped my left arm around the front of his chast, grabbing his right shoulder at the same moment my flying mass crashes chest-first into his back like a tubby freight train of justice. I swear to god when the two of us hit the ground, it should have left a crater. As it was we skidded several feet, me riding the guy like a boney toboggan. When we came to a stop I already had the dude in a headlock so I just yanked him up and started dragging him stumbling along off the lawn. I was herding him towards the Security office, Oompa Loompa in tow when Oompa taps my shoulder and says, "Let him go."

"Let him go? Seriously?"
"Yeah, I want to talk to him."

So I let the guy down and immediately 2 girls that had been following us, unbeknownst to me at the time, ran over to me while Oompa was getting the dude to his feet. The two girls were yelling at me, "He didn't do anything! He's okay! What are you doing?" and I addressed them in my most businesslike tones that, "That's what we're trying to figure out. We're going to talk to him now. Just give us a minute to figure out what's going on." The girls said okay and backed off and I turned my attention to the guy who now looked quite scared. Now bear in mind, it has taken you probably 4 times longer to read this than it actually took to happen. This dude got the full "Shock and Awe" treatment, which is funny if you know Toby Keith's material at all.

So Oompa gets the guy standing and says to him, "What I really want to know is, why you decided to spit in my face."

The guy, totally seriously, puts his hand between his mouth and Oompa and says, "I'm thowwy, I habe a thpeech impedament."

Ho........ly.......fuck!

As I gather the details from the guy and the 2 girls, there was a fight on the lawn between two men. Neither of which was my guy. But my guy saw what happened. When Security got wind of the fight and went to break it up. My guy ran over to tell Security what happened and because of his speech impediment sent some saliva into Oompa's face. Because of what usually happens during confrontations, which is to say, people spitting in our faces, Oompa misunderstood the gesture.

I put my hand on the guys shoulder and said, "I'm very sorry you had to deal with that sir. I hope you enjoy the show." Then I turned to Oompa and said, "Dude, this was all you. You started the chase, you make it right." And went back to assist with the real problem, feeling like a complete asshole.

Lesson to the public: Calm the fuck down! Understand that our first goal is to get everyone safe and calm in fight situations. And the more elements thrown in, the less predictable things get. If you've got something to say in the matter, do it calmly. Do not run over to a guy who's already trying to restrain someone who's acting crazy and yelling and start acting crazy and yelling. It make's it hard to determine friend from foe. We're not some secret police who is going to take your friend out back and shoot him because some drunk took a swing at him. You'll be able to say your piece and we make every effort to get the facts straight. But while we're looking out for your safety, we're making our own a priority. So 100% of the time, we're going to side with the guy who's wearing the same shirt.

[Vexbeast]

Amusing. :]

I bet Oompa was just as/more embarrassed than you were. XD

[OliX]

Now I would like a same shirt when I come to one of festivals that you're working on .

[Rockwulf]

Heh, fill out an application. If they'll hire an ape like me they'll hire anyone.

[Amelia G]

Ooh, yowch. Great story.

[Rockwulf]

Is that sarcasm I smell?

[Rockwulf]

2. Daddy Daughter Day

So another one from Toby Keith. At the begining of the show, there were WAY more underage drinkers than usual. I don't know what it was about that show but I guess rednecks and trailer trash don't mind buying beer for their "kin." So at the begining of the show, we ran in so many underage drinkers that not only was our security office with 12 or so chairs in it full but so was our medical office with about 10 cots and 6 more chairs. And this is just within the first 15 minutes or so of the show.

I brought in about 4 or 5 kids myself and didn't think anything of it as I went back to work after each one.

Now our policy on underage drinkers is to call their parents and have them come pick their kids up and take them home. That's it. So long as you're not violent or haven't done any damage, the only authority you have to deal with is mommy or daddy.

The show went on fairly normally. Some people acting like jackasses and needing to be dealt with, most people being cool and enjoying themselves. Towards the end I caught a drunk dude pissing on the back wall. I went over and pegged him with my flashlight beam, "Yo! Squeeze it off boss."

"Huh?"
"Squeeze it off and let's go!"
"Aw. C'mon man. Am I offending anyone?"
"You're turning my venue into a pisshole. I'd say that's pretty offensive. Now walk."

I walked him into the security office and as soon as he came in the door, the cop who works in our office yells "Dad!" and opens his arms like he's expecting a hug.

"Oh, you know this gentleman?" I asked.
"Yeah, he came to pick up one of the underage girls you brought in earlier."
"Haha, no shit?"
"No shit. Now what is he back in here for?"
"Seems he likes to piss in public. Guess we got the father of the year"

Gotta love a family outing.

[Rockwulf]

God help me, I just worked through a fucking Jonas Brothers concert.

[VoltaireBlue]

God help me, I just worked through a fucking Jonas Brothers concert.

lol, my sincerest condolences. *snicker*

on a side note: both stories are very well written.

[Rockwulf]

Heh, thanks. I survived the show, but just barely. I couldn't tell if I was going to die of boredom or if the continuous high pitched shrieking was just going to explode my head "Scanners" style.

Glad you liked the stories also.

[Madam Yummi]

God help me, I just worked through a fucking Jonas Brothers concert.

Awww. I just want to hug you and tell you that everything will be ok.


The stories were great. I would love to read more.

[Rockwulf]

There's more to come. I have a ton of them, not including ones I've heard second-hand. I just have to quit being such a lazy, drunkard and type them out.

[Madam Yummi]

Yeah you do that. I'm in need of some high quality entertainment.

[Rockwulf]

Yeah, I sure will. Later. Now I have to go see a man who wants to pay me for my 133t art sillzorz.

[Rockwulf]

So last night outside my bar, in the parking lot next door, the biggest, gayest streetfight I'd ever seen went down. 25 or so of the mincingist, flamingist nancy-boys you ever saw were screeching and bitch slapping the shit out of each other. They were tearing off hair extensions and ripping short shorts. I've seen guys having sex with each other, but somehow this was the gayest thing I've ever seen.

[malcolm]

you should have gotten pictures........

or started taking bets.

[Velvet-Tongue]

Can you tell us about when you and bros downed a whole cooler of natty ice and fought in cage matches Rock?

[Morning Glory]

I didn't read the story. I can only assume from the last one that it is more boasts about beating up fags and hippies?

[Rockwulf]

I didn't read the story. I can only assume from the last one that it is more boasts about beating up fags and hippies?

No, this was more about NOT beating up fags.

[malcolm]

so did anyone actually win the flamewar?

[Amelia G]

Is that sarcasm I smell?

No. That was not sarcasm.

WTF is wrong with the internet that it seems like more and more often people assume anything positive is sarcasm and anything negative is intended ten times stronger than stated?

[malcolm]

it could have to do with dialogue being in a text format rather than audible, Ms.G,
People are always getting what I say (or rather type) and taking it the wrong way.

[Ingridsca1]

Those stories are great! Just what I needed right now.

[Rockwulf]

No. That was not sarcasm.

WTF is wrong with the internet that it seems like more and more often people assume anything positive is sarcasm and anything negative is intended ten times stronger than stated?

Oh, so now there's something wrong with my internet too? Go to hell!

[Rockwulf]

Those stories are great! Just what I needed right now.

Thanks. The seasons starting up again so there should be more on the way. Go ahead and dig up part 1 of the thread to see a few more.

[Ajax Knucklebones]

So...I sit here in my computer room...Slowly watching my fav commentors slowly disappear. Will Rockwulf be next?

Only time will tell....

Allah, anyone? Allah?

[Rockwulf]

So a couple weeks back, I was signed up to work the "The New Deal" show at an intimate little venue on South Street. I had never heard of the band when I signed up for the show and when I got there I was distressed to find out it was a techno show, the only thing I hate worse than a hippy show.

I was posted on the door doing pat-downs, which is basically the worst posting you can pull so I wasn't in the greatest mood when this peckerwood in big Elvis sunglasses walks up. Now, I believe that wearing sunglasses at night is grounds enough for an ass-kicking, but big stupid sunglasses just like, triple that. On top of the douchey sunglasses this dude had coke crusted all over his nose still visible. And I don't mean that he had a grain or two, it looked like he shoved his snout into a palm full of coke and mashed it against his face yelling, "OH MY FUCKING GOD I LOVE COKE!!!!!!"

So this idiot comes up to me with a raggedy, torn up piece of paper and starts asking me in rapid-fire coke-speak if he can get into the show with his messed up ticket. I look at the paper and every one of the 3 barcodes on the ticket is absolutely fubarred. Now, under normal circumstances, if a patron has a lost or destroyed ticket, I would direct them to the box office where they can look up the name and replace the ticket. But I wasn't going to let this dude in because I knew he was trouble.

"I'm sorry sir, a ticket is like cash. If it gets destroyed, it's worthless."

And then this dude starts flying wildly back and forth in a seriously bipolar display. He kept changing between calm and contrite, "Hey man, can't you just be cool and let me in?" to "FUCK MAN! I PAID THIRTY FUCKING DOLLARS FOR THIS FUCKING TICKET!" He was getting really rowdy and punching parking meters and whatnot so one of the other guards steps out and tells the dude to take a walk and the cokehead, we'll call him Scarface, tries to bribe him with a five dollar bill. I nearly fell over laughing.

So the dude gets told to fuck right off and takes off down the street screaming and ranting and punching store windows and stuff. But he eventually came back about 10 minutes later, once again all cool and "Hey bro, I'm really sorry" and blah blah blah.

Again we told him to get lost and again he came back about 3 more times when one of the guards flagged down a passing cop. The cop told the dude to take a hike or he'd be arrested for trespassing. That gets him to go away for what seems like the end of it.

But while this is going on, he's created a massive spectacle and everyone that's out front smoking or in line or whatever sees it.

About 20 minutes later, one of the guys from the opening bands came and grabbed my shoulder. He'd been out front on a lot of smoke breaks while this whole thing was going down, so he saw me repeatedly toss the powder-nosed goober. So he grabs me and says, "Dude, that asshole with the sunglasses snuck in the back door. He's backstage right now."

Because of the size, and layout of the venue, there is no kind of "staff corridor" to backstage. If you need to get back there you have to either go around the block to the back alley or through the crowd. The second I heard what the band guy told me I turned around and burst through the doors from the lobby to the floor. I was bobbing and weaving between about a thousand kids all high out of their minds and swinging glo-sticks and shit, dodging them when I could, throwing them when I couldn't until I'd bulldozed my way back stage and saw Scarface standing there shooting the shit with one of the other band guys like they were old pals.

Without slowing down I grabbed the asshole by the back of the shirt and his belt, lifting as I went. I used his head as a battering ram on the crash-bar of the back door and threw him into the alley, following quickly behind as he land in a heap on the ground.

He rolled over onto his back and grabbed his now obliterated shades and said, "Hey man! You broke my glasses!"

I pointed to the security camera over the door that pointed directly at the both of us and half-yelled/half-snarled, "You're lucky that's all I'm gonna break. Ya see that camera? That just saved your ass. But if I ever fucking see you again, I'm gonna radio upstairs for them to shut that thing off, then I'm gonna tear your face off with my fucking teeth."

I walked back into the venue, stopping at the dumbstruck door-guard who had no idea what the situation was and told her that she needs to keep her eyes on checking tour laminets.

Scarface never returned and I haven't seen him at any shows since.

[Rockwulf]

Fans are fucking weird.

I'll admit it, there's just something I don't get about going to a "soul" concert. Sure, the musics great if you're sitting at home with your sig-O and makin' babies but to go out, in the middle of a room full of a thousand people and just fuckin' hang out, no dancing, stone sober, I just don't fucking get it.

Having said that, I worked the Adele show last night. (And I got to touch her hand!!!! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!@@!@!@kidding ) And it was the gayest fucking show I've ever seen. I'm not using the word "gay" as a synonym for "lame" or "boring" I mean there was a vast majority of the audience that knows what a blowjob tastes like.

Adele was sick so she continually drank from a teacup throught the show. When she left the stage she left the cup on a stool and while everyone was leaving the venue these two girls that couldn't have been more than 15 stuck around by the barricade. The first thing she said to me was, "Can I get a set list? I'll kiss you!" so I knew she was a filthy little whore makin' daddy proud. But then she started asking me to get here the teacup that Adele was drinking from. I was like, "Um, you know she's sick as hell right?" and the chick goes "I don't care, I'm not gonna DRINK from it!" So of course I was forced to ask, "Well what exactly are you going to do with it?"

I got no answer and she got no mug.

White people are fuckin' crazy.

[Amelia G]

So...I sit here in my computer room...Slowly watching my fav commentors slowly disappear. Will Rockwulf be next?

Only time will tell....

Allah, anyone? Allah?

It goes in cycles. Internet professionals call it summer slump. There are lots of theories as to why it happens, but it is just a fact that all established sites see a cycle of visitors dropping off in the spring and picking back up in the fall. Happens every year.

[Ingridsca1]

Wow...just wow. I like reading about the douchebags at your job as I can't really talk about the ones at mine- they're underage.

[Ajax Knucklebones]

Wow...just wow. I like reading about the douchebags at your job as I can't really talk about the ones at mine- they're underage.

Thank God you're not my teacher....J/K...I'm sure the kids your talking about are little assholes...

[Ingridsca1]

Oh yes, I have some decent ones but a lot that aren't. And I'm fine with that. Sit there and take up oxygen- but don't complain to me about your bad grade when you've been about as productive as a sand dollar all year. Oh yeah, and don't think you're pulling one over on me...I always get the last laugh.

[Rockwulf]

Seriously, fuck Franz Ferdinand. First of all, I swear to god, the songwriter for their opening band is Helen Keller. Every one of their songs was like "Bwaa-doo-doo-doo-bwah-doo-maa-nooo" They were easily the worst band I've ever seen in my life.

And then the dickhead from FF, which I only signed on for cause I got them confused with Modest Mouse (Damn illiteration), insisted on narrowing the barricade to the point that my big ass doesn't fit in. So we have to spend the entire show on the sides. Any time there was a crowd surfer (thankfully there were only a few) we had to crawl all over the braces to the barricade and bust the shit out of our knees.

The reason he inisisted on a narrow barricade is that he wanted to jump off the stage. Thing is, the stage at that particular venue is about 6 feet off the ground. And even with the narrowing, the barricade is 3 feet away from the stage and only about 2 inches wide. So to jump off the stage onto the barricade would be fucking suicide. He was told this before the show and still insisted on the change. Then, during the show when it's time for the asshole to do his thing, he looks down and sees that he's retarded while pussying out.

[OliX]

It goes in cycles. Internet professionals call it summer slump. There are lots of theories as to why it happens, but it is just a fact that all established sites see a cycle of visitors dropping off in the spring and picking back up in the fall. Happens every year.

Same goes for the pubs/bars in my hometown. I guess it's same all over the planet.

[malcolm]

Fans are fucking weird.

I'll admit it, there's just something I don't get about going to a "soul" concert. Sure, the musics great if you're sitting at home with your sig-O and makin' babies but to go out, in the middle of a room full of a thousand people and just fuckin' hang out, no dancing, stone sober, I just don't fucking get it.

Having said that, I worked the Adele show last night. (And I got to touch her hand!!!! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!@@!@!@kidding ) And it was the gayest fucking show I've ever seen. I'm not using the word "gay" as a synonym for "lame" or "boring" I mean there was a vast majority of the audience that knows what a blowjob tastes like.

Adele was sick so she continually drank from a teacup throught the show. When she left the stage she left the cup on a stool and while everyone was leaving the venue these two girls that couldn't have been more than 15 stuck around by the barricade. The first thing she said to me was, "Can I get a set list? I'll kiss you!" so I knew she was a filthy little whore makin' daddy proud. But then she started asking me to get here the teacup that Adele was drinking from. I was like, "Um, you know she's sick as hell right?" and the chick goes "I don't care, I'm not gonna DRINK from it!" So of course I was forced to ask, "Well what exactly are you going to do with it?"

I got no answer and she got no mug.

White people are fuckin' crazy.

sigh. i've met fans like that before. they'r annoying as all fuck. once when i was still in memphis, local band saliva did a little meet and greet at the cats music store in midtown and i had to stand behind some little teeny bopper who kept making comments about how she wanted to kidnap josie scott's little boy who he had brought along for the event and "play with his head." i wanted to smash her head into the wall.

[OliX]

Two brats one cup? I say two flies with one hit

You should at least let them drink from it.

[Rockwulf]

I was forced to beat the living shit out of a co-worker Friday night. I'm kind of surprised because I always thought if we fought, he'd whip my ass, but I was covered in blood when it was over and not a drop of it was mine.

One of my fellow bouncers came into the bar all tuned up and talking about how he wanted to kill someone or himself and he stayed after hours while we were cleaning up and trying to calm him down. We were there for hours trying to help him out and we were just about to leave when he rushed me. I don't know if he was thinking he'd commit "Suicide by bouncer" but no matter how hard I tried to restrain him he wouldn't stop. Then when I finally bashed his head into the ground a few times and the bartender came out of the bathroom and grabbed him to go clean him up I went downstairs to the basement to get a mop to clean the blood up.

Then the bouncer was yelling at me down the stairs "HEY, COME UP, I CAN SEE YOU BUT YOU CAN'T SEE ME HAHAHA!" I wasn't gonna fall for his ambush. So I held the mop and said, "I ain't even lookin' at you motherfucker!" so he came runnin down the stairs after me and I used the mop like a bo-staff and smashed him in the face a couple times. He ran at me so I dropped the mop and gripped him up,spinning him into the big metal walk-in fridge door. I slammed my knee into his ball like 5 times but it just made him more angry and he shot for my legs like a wrestler. Grabbing onto the upright brace for the stairs for support I used my knee to slam his head into the stairway while with my free hand I'm holding him by ... Read Morethe back of the neck so he can't stand up or get any leverage. I threw all my weight at him to take him to the ground where I was pounding at his liver and kidneys but he wouldn't let go of my legs. I managed to get one of my feet free and booted him in the face and gut until he finally let go and couldn't fight anymore.

It was fucking brutal.

[OliX]

It's the full moon. I'm tellin' ya!

[Bikerpunk]

My God. Rockwulf is so manly. I am in awe. That sounds like sarcasm, but it truly isn't.

[Rockwulf]

My God. Rockwulf is so manly. I am in awe. That sounds like sarcasm, but it truly isn't.

Seriously, that was the most fucked up fight I've ever been in and there wasn't any "We're security and this guy's a douche," mentality. This was 100%, "This guys a friend and he won't stop until I kill him or he kills me."

I was pretty fucked up mentally at the end of it. And I just noticed this a few minutes ago, like 48 hours after the fact, his blood is still on my boots: