Personal rant..opinions?

[Xavialune]

So here is something I wrote for somewhere else and I want to hear what everyone thinks. Its a personal rant about how my mother feels about the way I look, the lifestyle I have, the music I listen to, etc etc.



...

Ok so heres the scoop. My mom is pretty nice..she does a lot for me. But sometimes, she really frustrates me. She used to be called "The Halloween Queen". She had this hobby where she'd put on haunted houses and trails and stuff, and she was just obsessed with costumes, masks, FX, props, and generally just spooky halloween stuff. Now, Im not really that fond of halloween for my own reasons, Im not really honestly that fond of cheesy horror stuff like she was..but you know, do whatever you want right?

Whenever I am home my mom always says things that really bother me. She has always been pretty understanding, she even dyed my hair purple sophomore year in high school! She was apparently convinced it was just a phase. When that turned out to be false, she started saying things. Like "why do you cover up your beauty underneath all that", "why cant you wear colors" (uh hello? I wear colors like, every day pretty much..incorporated into my black wardrobe!), "why cant you be happy with how you look", "why do you change yourself all the time, arent you happy with yourself?", "why do you pierce your beautiful face?' bla bla bla. Essentially, she is telling me she wants me to be 'normal'. Because 'when you had long brown hair parted in the middle and no piercings and bushy eyebrows, you were so beautiful" pretty much. Its like she is telling me because I am goth that I am ugly, and that I should just try to fit in with everyone else. These are the kind of comments I get from ignorant passers-by sometimes. I hate to categorize my mom with those people, but it is true.

I have explained this to my mother you dont even know how many times. Its the same thing over and over, and now I get so frustreated when she makes comments like that. She is unhappy with the way I live my life and I am getting sick of her passive aggressive comments. Theres nothing I can do to get it through to her, apparently, and it hurts my feelings when she says things like that because I feel like she does not love who I truly am.

When I mentioned getting married to Valerian last night, and mentioned how I want the wedding to be (yeah, Im gonna be cliche and arrive in a Hearse, but it will probably just be our car by then anyway..might have a coffin wedding cake and all that...blacks and maybe reds, or purples..goth music..all that stuff.) she started to blame her obsession with the macabre (the halloween stuff I mentioned ealier) as the reason I am the way I am. Uhm, no! Its not. And when she blames that on herself, its like saying "oh, where did I go wrong?" and that REALLY hurts my feelings, because shes essentially saying she failed as a parent because I am goth. It doesnt seem like I could ever explain to her how I got to this point without her misunderstanding me or just not understanding at all. She does not want to listen anyway, it seems. She has her own ideas about why I am the way I am, and they are not good things. It *really* irks me how she treats me now because I am not what she wants me to be.

Like I said, she does a lot for me, I know she loves me because I am her daughter, but she doesnt love *me* for *me*. She wants me to be like everyone else, and even when I explain to her that I would be miserable like that, she doesnt seem to care. She kind of just makes a pouty face ans says 'oh...', like Im not allowed to be happy doing what I do, dressing as I do, having the lifestyle I do? Its ridiculous!

Valerian's parents are much the same way, but we didnt discover this until recently. Thats a completely different story, however.

Anyway I just wanted to know what you guys thought about this. Do you have parents that act like this? Ones that act worse? Do your parents truly accept how you are or do they fake it like my mom sometimes does and inserts poorly veiled passive aggressive comments like she does...? What do you think I should do, just let it go? It bothers me that she never stops and never seems to get it through her head.

guess I really dont know what to do. I mean, I have been doing this for a while now. Like I said, I think as soon as my mom realized it wasnt a phase like she had originally thought..that is when she started to make those comments.

It hurts my feelings because she is putting her values on me and her ideas of what is beautiful. It is like I am not allowed to have my own sense of beauty and my own sense of style, what I think is attractive, even though it is not the norm. She blames her horror activities on my interests and it really has nothing to do with it! (Its all David Bowie's fault, I swear! :i9: )

When I got breast implants, she was surprisingly supportive after I explained EVERYTHING to her. I know she still questions it though. When I told her I was a dominatrix, she questioned that but I explained EVERYTHING to her, and she kind of accepted it, but still has doubts. The other day, my brother and his friend asked her if I was 'hooking', in response to her telling them I was a fetish model...when the hell does fetish modeling equate to being a prostitute? Then she actually asked me if I was. Uhm no! Modeling=/= prostitution! This is but one example of her ignorance.

[Xavialune]

But the thing is, no matter how many times I explain my lifestyle, the goth lifestyle, to her..even after she accepted being a Dominatrix and having breast implants..she still cant understand why i do what I do and dress how I dress. Is it so hard to understand that this is my idea of beauty? That this is my chosen style that I enjoy? Why can I not enjoy something that she may not enjoy or the majority of society might not enjoy or think beautiful? She thinks I do it for attention, negative or positive but she is just another one of the masses who is deluded by misrepresentations from the media. It makes me sad.

My mother, though I love her very much and she does a lot for me, is not a very intelligent person. I realized the reason I never got along with her in high school today before I left the house (I was in my home town after getting my wisdom teetn pulled yesterday morning). We were arguing because she lets the dogs shit and piss all over the enclosed deck, because she is too lazy to put them on their leashes outside. The deck cost them a lot of money and they are in debt (a LOT). I explained to her this is a bad idea because it rots the deck. She would NOT LISTEN TO ME. Everything I said was not getting through to her and she just got increasingly upset and told me to just drop it. Like I was the bad person because I was trying to save her some money? She can NOT admit when she is wrong, cannot take any criticism whatsoever..like if I tell her the dogs misbehave because they never taught them anything (which they didnt). I was woken up this morning after 4 hours of sleep because the dogs were uncontrollably barking and she did nothing about it. Surgery+4 hours of sleep is not a good combination. I am still running on this little sleep right now. All of this, combined with the fact that I have hardly ever heard her say a single intelligent thing, makes me think less of her has a person. I even expressed this to her in a very long letter a couple of years ago. I expressed all of my grievances from the time I was a child, through my adolescence, and through to adulthood..trying to do something about it. I wanted to have a better relationship with her.

Do you know what she did? Talk about being childish...she called me and wanted me to move out f the house. Iw as living on campus, but she wanted me to come and pick everything I had at the house up because she was kicking me out and would no longer do anything to support me. Seriously. All because I told her those things...including that I felt unrespected and ignored whenever I had a problem in adolescence (In fact, whenever I had a legitimate issue with her and expressed it to her in clear and calm terms, shed get mad and ignore me, I'd get mad, then she would say "must be that time of the month, huh?" Seriously.)...

Anyway I guess I am ranting. I do have some unresolved issues with my mom..this is but one of them, the whole 'why do you look like you do' shit. Its all very tiring and I dont want to deal with it, but she says something about it every time I go to the house. I go visit her despite the fact I hate the place, its filthy, I sneeze a lot, my brother is a waste of life, the dogs bark continuously (although I love my dog Spock forever), and I cant say anything about anything because she gets mad at me. I hate going there because the bed is uncomfortable and I freeze at night. But I STILL visit her..despite all these things. And I can never get through to her no matter what. Like I said, its all very tiring.

And I am glad I dont have to go through this with my father, not that we have a close relationship. I love my dad, but he is very inward and never shares his feelings (not even with my mom). I know hes had issues with me being the way I am, but after a while, he just gave up saying anything, the little he did say about it. I stopped bothering arguing with him about his pro-life crazy conservative christian views, because we are just incompatible when it comes to that (something he likes to say as well as my mom "oh the girl who went to college is right about everything, isnt she?"..another thing that irks me to no end..yes, I went to college and yes, I am more intelligent than both of you..although those 2 dont necessarily connect to each other all the time..it is another example of how they never listen).

So I have come to the conclusion that: 1) My parents will always be stuck in their ways and never listen to what I have to say, and I get my issues with listening from them, 2) My mother will always have a problem with who I am and never accept me for me, because she has her own narrow-minded view of how people should be and that is 'normal', not 'weird' as she thinks I am. 3) her idea of beautiful is severely incompatible with mine 4) My mother and father both cannot take criticism of any kind. They are stubborn and stuck in their ways and that is where I get my own stubbornness from.

Any other conclusions you guys can draw from this is greatly appreciated. I guess I am just trying to grow from this sad situation. It is sad indeed, that they are so stuck and I am so stuck, but I have realized that this will probably always be the case. I have pretty much given up on trying to win, I am just going to try and go about my life. When she says something like the remarks I mentioned, well Im not sure what I will do. Possibly get very angry, but maybe someone has an idea on how to handle it.

[Morning Glory]

that's just how parents are, you will never be good enough for them, and it's not because there's anything wrong with you, it's just because they want only the best things for you, and that's not reality. and their idea of what is best is whatever path they wanted to take with their life.

she may not ever say it, but I'm sure that she is proud of you and respects you for being your own person and doing what you want to do.

all that you can really do is suck it up and brush it off. pretty much everything else is less important than having someone that loves you and that you can depend on no matter what, so just think about that, not about all the ways that you are different and don't understand each other.

[Xavialune]

Yeah, thats sound advice...but the thing is, she doesnt shut up about it. Its every time I go to see her. And recently, it seems to be getting worse. I think it is selfish of her to be putting her values on me, expecting me to be something she absolutely knows I am not, and asking me those questions when every time I tell her the same thing, dont ask me that again, you know it hurts my feelings..bla bla..she still goes out of her way to do so. If she really respected me for who I was, really loved me for *who I was* she would not go out of her way to say those things to me. I dont know how many times I have gone through it with her, she just keeps repeating it, like I am going to change my mind or something? No. I am who I am, and in any other situation I would definitely brush it off and let it go, but its gone on for too long. The thing is, I dont know what else to do about it other than to not go see her, because I know she will always say something.

[Ajax Knucklebones]

Ahhh....She's a parent. They're all inevidibly(sp) the same. I'm going to be 40 this year. I'm married(for 12 years), have a house(for 12 years), a kid(10 years old) and have always had a decent job(Since I was 22), YET, I swear, it wasn't until about 3 years ago that my parents finally fucking realized I was an adult, have my shit together, and constantly do not need their "opinions" about how I should live.

My greatest bit of advice for you though, is remember one thing about your mom. she's human just like you and she makes mistakes just like you. When I was younger I would listen real close to my parents advice like it was golden because I figured that they've "been and done that" before so they must REALLY know what they are fuckin' talking about. BULLSHIT. Too many times I heeded their words and came out worse because of it.

This is YOUR life. YOUR choices. In the end, how ever you decide to live, will really basically effect you the most. Fuck it up, it's your fault. Do it right and you get to reap the benefits. Doing it right or fucking it up....That's the tricky part. There is no manual.

[OliX]

Be persistent and give her time. Explain how much better is to clear this like adults than for you to go against her in some teenage rebel style just to prove her wrong.

I personally would do like this, but that's just me. I would stop talking, ignore all the questions whenever a topic like that is raised. If it gets heated, just leave the place. I'm talking about the life style and personal choices here and not obvious responsibilities.

[malcolm]

im gonna say the same thing m.g said. it's because she wants the best for you because you are her child. i think most parents are like that. mine wasnt, my dad tossed me into boyscouts when he caught me playing with barbie dolls as a kid but the best you can do is be yourself and let her worry but not too much. eventually she's gotta figure out you've got to be you and she's got to accept that and yes, it can be frustrating. very frustrating.

cus frankly eveyr parent worries about their kid wether or not they're gonna grow up alright, wether they're gonna be safe etc. etc. easy rule of thumb? if something bothers them too much, dont talk abuot it much. work it in a little at a time until they've gotten used to it.

and then remember that you really can't make anyone else understand what you go through anymore than you can udnerstand wha tthey go through okay?

[Valerian Reign]

I'm not goin to say much because I can just talk to you when you wake up... but, I agree with OliX when he says to use peaceful persistence. That's all you can do. She's too narrow-minded for you to try to do anything else, and I really do not want to have a volitile argument like we had with my parents.

[Buster Friendly]

...but the thing is, she doesnt shut up about it. Its every time I go to see her. And recently,

why don't you tell her to fuck off then?

try saying "gee mom, I love you and all, but you're getting on my last fucking nerve with this shit, so shut the fuck up already."

I told my pops to fuck off years ago, and he got so mad at me we didn't speak for 6 months. Sent me a letter about how he didn't have to talk to someone who wasn't going to treat him with respect, and couldn't act like a grown up. 6 months later he called me to apologize, and said he realized he was being a dick. Our relationship is much better today.

if she's really annoying you that much, then just don't go to see her that often. after being left alone for a while, she might realize that she's alienating you, and back off a bit. especially if you let her know that she's annoying the living fuck out of you.

[Xavialune]

Well I agree everyone my mom is just trying to do the best for me, but I dont think that is her business to decide what is best for me at age 22. In fact Im almost 23..ok, I can make my own decisions on my life. What her idea is best for me is what she thinks is best for *her*. She wants whats best for her ideals and her vision and her reputation, she is not thinking about me. She's not thinking that maybe, just maybe, this is what I enjoy and even though she does not understand it and probably never will, I want to be this way. She is constantly dropping hints that I should just be like everyone else. And I think Buster is right..I am just going to stop going there as much. Well, I dont go there much to begin with, but I hate it there anyway, as I mentioned in my earlier posts. Its horrible there.

Not to mention every time my dads home (hes gone to CA at a job till april though), he blames me for the computer being fucked up. Ok, my dads comp is a piece of shit, he looks at tons of porn and dl's shit, and its slow as hell, screws up all the time. When Im not home, he blames my mom. When I am home, he blames me, even if I havent been on the computer. So thats just one more reason I hate being there.

But back to my mom..I think I mentioned before she is not very intelligent. Yeah shes my mom, I love her, but I see absolutely no reason why she should act the way she does. If she was really looking out for my best interests shes be proud of how I am because this helps the modeling niche Ive put myself into. But shes only thinking of herself, not me.

[Xavialune]

Were you talking to Val or Buster?

[malcolm]

im lost.

[Xavialune]

He deleted his post.

[malcolm]

oic. well yeah i'd say do what you think is right,xavs, i mean parents will always worry but yeah, you've gotta be who you are.

[OliX]

Were you talking to Val or Buster?

Val...

[Xavialune]

He wasnt telling me to think less of her, though. he was telling me to use peaceful resistance because thats all I can really do (she doesnt listen to reason).

[OliX]

I know. I just mentioned a rule out of my book. Reminded me of some personal experience.

[Xavialune]

oh..I thought you were being sarcastic by the 'good thinkin' part, as in he was telling me to do that..or something..:P

But yeah Ive pretty much decided to let it go as best I can..theres not much I can do to get through to her and shes always going to be like that. I'm just going to try and ignore her when she says those things to me and hopefully she will eventually get the hint.

[nathanmbailey]

My mom's not much different. She still tries to tell me how to live even though I've been out of the house since I was 18. That's 4 years which include two trips to Iraq. I'm home twice a year for a couple of weeks at a time and every time she questions whatever I've done since the last time I was home, mostly about new tattoos and a lot about going to the bar and being out drinking until 3 in the morning along with smoking and whatever I'm wearing. She even bitched when I was shaving my head.

Honestly, the two of us didn't get along at all when I was living at home, one of the main reasons of me joining the military just so I could get the fuck out of there. I didn't talk to her throughout basic and AIT, then went home for a week before reporting to my unit and suddenly she "loved" me again. Then a couple months later I call home to tell her I was deploying and the first thing she does is ask what I was going to do with my laptop. Then she did the same shit when I bought a beat up old truck to get around in instead of buying a new car.

She's toned down a lot, but I still avoid being home for more than a week or so at a time and she never comes down to Texas to visit me, which I prefer. All I know is I wish she was more like my dad who doesn't care and lets me live my life the way I want.

So, the moral of this story is that family pretty much sucks, but they start to love you when they never see you.

[Xavialune]

Yup my moms just like that. Wants me to call her once a week and all that now..misses me whenever im not home but whenever i am she makes those stupid comments. and sometimes when i call her too. its ridiculous..

[nathanmbailey]

Best part about Iraq is I'm not expected to call her, but someone in my family gave her my e-mail address so now she bugs me when she doesn't hear from me after a couple weeks. In the States she calls to find out what's going on if I don't call her every few days. Apearantly my life is suppose to be full of interesting stuff or she just needs someone to nag.

[Xavialune]

Thats the same thing with Valerian's parents. His mom expects a call from him every thursday evening, and he has to relate to her everything that has gone on in the past week. Its quite annoying..nothing interesting really happens to us, and if it does, its not usually something we can tell her anyway.

[Mr Karl]

oh well, dont bother with your parent's if it's such a hassle to you............or, do you still need them for something?

[Xavialune]

Jesus Christ this thread is whiney. Why do you expect your mother to understand everything that you do? Why should she? She’s a person in her own right with a separate set of life experiences. Will you be any less out of touch when you reach her age? Maybe.

If she’s nagging you so much then all you have to do is tell her what you think and don't visit as often. Easy.

I am not being whiney. I am sharing my experience. I dont expect her to understand everything I do and nowhere in my post did I say that. I do however expect her to respect me for who I am and my choices and not constantly nag me to change.

Yes, every time she nags, I tell her. Does she stop? Of course not! Maybe its because of her issues I explained previously, maybe she forgets, but I doubt it. I do plan on seeing her less, but I already see her quite infrequently and then she nags me about that. So, at this point, unless she changes her attitude nagging me about my appearance , Im pretty much damned if I do and damned if I dont.

What I originally intended in posting this debacle was to get opinions on what I should do, as in how I should handle her. I thought maybe people would have some insight on how I could get her to respect my choices and back off a bit. She does not have to like it, she does not have to understand why I do what I do. She just has to tolerate it and keep her opinion to herself, because at this point she is pretty much pushing me to give up my lifestyle, and I think that is wrong.

[Mr Karl]

how often do you see your mother?

[Xavialune]

Oh gosh..at this point now that I'm not in college anymore, probably once a month, if that. But she constantly calls me and wants me to come over and visit and stay overnight, even though she knows I am miserable at the house (allergies, lack of sleep from barking dogs and my bedroom is freezing). And then she tries to make me feel guilty if I stay away for long periods of time, or dont call her frequently. And I wouldnt really have a problem doing so if not for the original point of this thread..so if she left me alone regarding how I am, I'd probably call and visit more often.

[Aza]

I hate to be so unhelpful about it, but your mom sounds like a mom... nothing more and nothing less. I can't detect anything in your descriptions of her or her behavior that suggest she's being anything but a perfect cliché of a classic sitcom mom. My own mother, while she's got my father to keep her from calling as often as she might ordinarily, still takes it upon herself to derogatorily comment on my long hair whenever we happen to see one another. I get a little annoyed from time to time, but because I see her significantly less often than most people see their moms (separated as we usually are by an entire continent), that little quirk to her personality has become one of those reluctantly endearing things I've come to miss about her.

You were right when you said that what you're experiencing will always be the case. Your mother will continue to nag because she's a mother. If she suddenly stopped, I think you'd enjoy it only for a short while before you'd find yourself wondering if she still cared as much about you... or if she was still alive. Either line of inquiry would leave you feeling worse than you do now.

[Xavialune]

I dont know about that. I have thought about it too..she is a typical 'american' woman, thats for sure. She really believes everyone should be the same though. Thats where I think she's crossing the line of a 'mom being a mom'. I would understand if she really had my best interests at heart, but she doesnt, she only thinks of her best interests. And she doesnt even make an effort to understand what my interests are. I just want her to accept me as I am and stop bringing it up *all* the time. She would no doubt still call me or want me to come over whatever, and I would be fine with that.

I think I am going to see what happens in the next week or two. When she brings it up again I am really going to have a talk with her. Ive tried it before, but maybe I was approaching it the wrong way. I'll let you guys know what happens. If I fail, I guess Im just going to have to try and ignore it.

[BigBoy]

I was so mad at her when she put a padlock on the fridge at night, I was trying to loose som weight at the time but why couldnt she just trust me? the butter incident only happened once after all, instead she wanted to make a point with the padlock, It would have been more subtile to just write all over the fridge "I dont have faith in you big Boy", so yeh i hated her for that, but at the end I did loose those pounds so she learnt a lesson from that too.

[malcolm]

the butter incident?

[OliX]

This reminded me when I was kid and my mom took this silly singing thingy from singing postcard that gets activated by light and put it in the fridge. There was this super delicious cake that I was after and we're supposed to share it in between all of us. Well... it worked. When I opened the fridge this stupid birthday melody ruined my plans.

Maybe that's why I don't like birthdays.

[Xavialune]

This reminded me when I was kid and my mom took this silly singing thingy from singing postcard that gets activated by light and put it in the fridge. There was this super delicious cake that I was after and we're supposed to share it in between all of us. Well... it worked. When I opened the fridge this stupid birthday melody ruined my plans.

Maybe that's why I don't like birthdays.

hahahhaha...what a great idea!

[malcolm]

i wonder if they still make those cute little piggy ones that oink at you when you open the door those are sooo cute. i'd probably just run up the electric bill opening and closing the door all the time if we had one.

[Xavialune]

i wonder if they still make those cute little piggy ones that oink at you when you open the door those are sooo cute. i'd probably just run up the electric bill opening and closing the door all the time if we had one.

Id so get one for our fridge if ya know..we had any food in the fridge :P

[malcolm]

lol i an dig it. we've actually gotta go shopping today cus i have barely eaten anything over this whole week and we needa toss out a ton of veggies, plus we need to get stuff i can cook fairly easily. i love cooking but im no betty crocker it's like i just made these delicous chicken fajitas with mozzerella kinda a itlian/mexican thing going on and they were really good but i am clueless when it comes to making shit like potroasts and brisket lol

[nathanmbailey]

I'd be set, seeing as I have never owned a fridge where the light actually came on. I usually take the light out anyway. Then there was the one that I superglued the little pressure switch down so the thing thought the door was always shut.

[malcolm]

i was thinking of getting a little minifridge for my room so i could have my snacks and beer in it just something big enough to fit my milk and honey and banana custard pocky and my mike's hard limes in and shit.

[Xavialune]

i was thinking of getting a little minifridge for my room so i could have my snacks and beer in it just something big enough to fit my milk and honey and banana custard pocky and my mike's hard limes in and shit.

That sounds good! lol

[malcolm]

lol i loooooove that kitty! it looks like a frightened little marshmallow! i wanna just eat er up!

[inox]

People don't change. You can argue your perspectives again and again, and the best you can hope for is that they'll rein in expressing their opinion for the sake of your feelings.

The only possible way that you will ever be respected for your own choices and aesthetic is if you can make it on your own while remaining true to them.