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You ever stop to ask yourself...
"Gee, that Rockwulf seems like a decent lookin' guy and he's pretty smart and even kinda funny. Wonder why he's single?"
No, of course you didn't.
Hopefully you have better things to think about. But I'll tell you anyway. The reason I'm single is because of bullshit like the following. I recieved this bulletin from a friend on ******* that was obviously written by a high school girl, pretending to be an older guy who was pretending he knew shit about shit.
The fact that I think that the following jokes that I've inserted are funny, is the main reason I'm sinlge. MOST of them are jokes anyway, and the fact that you can't tell which ones are and which ones aren't, makes you part of the problem.
Enjoy what I do with my free time before I go out friday night to scam on chicks...
30 things guys should know about girls
Body: 30 things guys should know about girls
1. Whatever you do, don't just show up at their house...they run around in their underwear just like we do.
***Yeah guys, have the class to stay outside in the bushes with the rest of us. Fuckin' amatures ruin it for everybody. By the way, your girlfriend looks GREAT naked.***
2. Don't cheat on them. It may seem foolproof, but girls tell each other everything about everything. Trust me, they will find out and you will be mud.
***And for the love of god, if you stay completely faithful to her and still end up with a cold sore, you'd better not DARE of questioning her honor! You obviously caught herpes at work or soemthing...***
3. Beware of every single male relative and all guy friends. Any of them would kick your ass at the drop of a hat, and a lot of them wouldn't even wait for the damn hat.
***Which is why you should only date women from scrawny families. I suggest the jews. If you can afford it that is...***
4. Never miss an opportunity to tell them they're beautiful.
***Ignore this. They'll miss countless opportunities to fellate you and never even bat an eyelash.***
5. Don't refuse to kiss in front of your friends. If they laugh at you, it's because they're jealous.
***If you refuse to kiss your girl, you're gay. For those of you trying to figure it out, this one is NOT a joke. If you dont' kiss your girl in front of a few friends, it's because you want them to hump your ass.***
6. If they slap you hard, you deserved it.
***But keep in mind, if they slap you hard, they deserve everything that comes afterward***
7. Don't be afraid to touch them if you want to. If they're going out with you in the first place, it's because they like being in your arms.
***Does touching count slapping? Because the author creates a large gray area hereabouts.***
8. If you don't sleep with them, do not tell your friends that you did.
***That right! Tell your friends that she's a frigid, ball-busting, cock-teasing dyke. It's only fair that you warn them so they won't make the same mistake you did.***
8.5 If you DO sleep with them, do not tell your friends that you did.
***Not right away. Wait until you've grown tired of sleeping with her and don't care if she gets pissed or not. By that time your friends will have assumed it long ago anyway but if she still gets pissed and leaves, you're really not out anything***
9. You can be dirty minded in private, really...most of them are not offended by it...
***Oh sure, they say this now, but try just once to stick it in their ass and everything goes to hell***
10. Not all of them eat like birds, a lot of them can eat like whales.
***Fun Fact: You can tell which ones these are by the fact that they look like whales!***
11. Most of them don't mind paying half of everything, but they do discuss these things with their friends. Realize that if you make your girlfriend pay half all the time, everyone will know about it and your friends will know you're a pussy..
***But they'll also know that you're dating a greedy, spoiled, gold-digging whore who, while paying lip-service to equality, actually DOES mind paying for anything***
11.5 Do you honestly need all your money that much? Be a man, pay all the time!
***See what I mean? She couldn't even wait until the next rule to break that hypocritical shit out! She had to stop half way. Punch her in the ovary.***
12. Every girl should eventually get three things from her boyfriend- a stuffed animal, one of his sweatshirts, and a really pretty ring. Even if it's not a serious relationship.
***However these things should be offered before they are taken. If some girl tries to yoink your favorite hoodie, you're legally allowed to punch them. Only once. And lightly!!!! But most guys don't know that***
13. Make sure she gets home safely as often as you can. If you're dropping her off, walk her to the door. If you aren't dropping her off, call to be sure she's home safely.
***And if you have to put her in a cab, give her cab-fare. But be sure to drive to her house faster than the cab and be waiting for her in her bushes with a mask on. There's nothing like a good **** to make her always regret not just spending the night at your place.***
14. If a guy is bothering her, it is your right to beat the shit out of him.
***But is she's being a complete drunken bitch and annoying everyone at the bar, it is not only your right, but your duty, to leave her there. If you can leave with a different girl, you're doing great!***
15. If you're talking to a female friend of yours, pull your girlfriend closer.
***Because as we all know, all women are petty, insecure, and have all the self-esteem of a lava lamp. And if you so much as think about making it look like you communicate with any other member of the human race that's packin' a vagina, oh-hoo boy, LOOK OUT!***
16. Never, ever slap her, even if it's just in a joking way. Even if she swats you first, and says, "Oh, you're so dumb" or something, never make any gestures back.
***Oh, the author finally got around to clearing up that gray area. Althouh I notice it took her way longer than it did to make her opinions on the money question known... Just goes to show you fellas, you can whack the shit out of them, as long as you buy dinner.***
17. Go to a chick flick once in a while. She doesn't care whether you enjoy it or not, it just matters that you went.
***That's right because the cornerstone of a good relationship is having one partner not give a fuck how miserable the other is.***
18. You're dead meat if you can't get along with their pets, parents, and best friends. Be prince charming to their friends, Mr. Polite to their parents, and make sure to be nice to their animals.
***This has the added bonus that, if you break up, you're much more likely to still be able to screw her friends, mom, sister or dog.***
19. Don't flirt with their moms...that's just freaky.
***Okay, but their sister and dog are still fair game!***
20. Don't be freaked out by PMS. It's not gross, and it really does make them feel like shit, so be understanding.
***The PMS isn't the least of the gross part guys. PMS is a breeze compared to the actual menstruation. Never trust anything that bleeds for 4 days and doesn't die.***
21. If you don't like the way they drive, you do it.
***This is imperitve! For the safety of everyone involved. Remember, the less women behind the wheel, the safer our roadways are!***
22. If you're officially dating, and you're introducing her to your friends, you'd better damn well introduce her as your girlfriend.
***This is true. Chicks you're nailing really seem to get their panties in a wad when you introduce them as simply, "This chick I'm nailing"***
23. Don't stress where you go for every date. They really only want to be with you.
***They also love to play the "I don't know. Where do YOU want to go?" game.***
24. If they complain that something hurts, rub it for them without being asked.
***Trust me dudes, asking "Does your face hurt? Because it's killin' me!" is NOT the correct response.***
25. Girls are fragile. Even if you're play fighting/wrestling, be very gentle.
***Fun Fact: Girls are fragile. So if you knock one up, just push her down the stairs.***
26. Memorize their god damn birthdays. You forget her birthday and you're basically screwed for life.
***Meh, fair enough I guess.***
27. Don't marinade in the cologne, but smell nice.
***Ignoring the fact that this broad was too stupid to know that the verb form of the word is 'marinate', she's basically right. It pisses everyone off when you come in stinkin' like fresh faggot.***
28. Don't give her something stupid for her birthday or Christmas or Valentine's day. It doesn't have to be expensive, but it has to be meaningful. Jewelry is always nice.
***Yeah, here we go again..."It doesn't have to be expensive but we love jewelry..." Try to get her some cheap jewelry and see how far you get...if you have the balls that is.***
29. If you think the relationship isn't going to last, don't wait to find out. It will only hurt you more if you draw it out.
***But do continue to screw like it was your job until you're sure. It'll only hurt you more if you live a life of regret.***
30. After you've been dating for a while, realize that they really have started to trust you. When you have a girlfriend who truly trusts you, you have a lot more responsibility, privilege and control than you would think. Be careful with it, most guys would kill for that kind of power, and it can be lost in a nanosecond
***Now's a good time to try sticking it in her butt again. Trust me fellas, they only like it when it's someone they trust.***
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Originally Posted by keiko
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