Dirty jokes, I wanna hear dirty jokes!!!!!!!!!

[Scar]

Dirty jokes, I wanna hear dirty jokes!!!!!!!!!

And no, I don't have any to share with you. That's why I need some!!!

[inox]

What's the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
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.
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.
.
.
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.
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You can't gargle sand.

[Bikerpunk]

gross.

Where are an elephant's sex organs?

In it's feet. If it steps on you, you're fucked.

[Bikerpunk]

This girl goes in to see her lawyer. Seems she wants a divorce.

"Cruelty? Adultery" asks the concerned lawyer.

"Oh, no" says the woman... "It's his penis."

"Come again?"

She reflexively let out a small cry and grasped her vagina protectively. "You don't understand. I thought a guy with a fourteen inch fuckrod would be fun. But that's what it's like UNERECT. IT HURTS, dude. It hurts. I wrote him a poem on our wedding night:

"The K-Y's on the mantel
The shoehorn's on the shelf
I saw your great big penis
And I chloroformed myself."

And what's worse, he wants it ALL THE TIME. I thought after a while my poor tender violated pussy could take it, but now I'm just constantly sore! I have to eat my food standing up! I can't sit on a barstool for fear of sliding down it, and unicycling is RIGHT OUT!

I whistle when I skydive, unless I wear a jockstrap! THIS IS KILLING ME!!!!"

The lawyer listens with envy and astonishment and says "Well, I think you do have a case, Mrs. Hargreaves. But first, have you filed your petition?"

"FUCK YOU!" she screams. "I've had enough happen to that. He can sandpaper his cock!"

[Vitorro]

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
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A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

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A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."
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The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."

"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."


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[VoldtaEngler]

Man to woman at bar: "Did you know that 93% of women masturbate in the shower? The other 7% Sing. Do you know what they sing?"

Woman: "No".

Man: "Then you must be in that 93%".

[Bikerpunk]

Canada does not have "health plans". Socialised medicine makes a better class of medicine for people who can afford to pay illegal.

The only way you jump a line and don't end up in a rat-infested hospital is to be a prominent politician.

[Black Spiral Dancer]

Husband runs in the house and says "My Olympic Condoms have arrived! Tonight, I'm going to wear a Gold One when I make love to you!"
Wife says "Why don't you wear a Silver One? I'd like you to Cum second for a change!"

--------------------------------

Fred & Mary use a code for sex. The code is "Washing Machine"

One night in bed, Fred whispers to Mary "Washing Machine", and Mary says "Not tonight dear, I'm tired!"

10 minutes later, she feels guilty & whispers to Fred, "Washing Machine"
Fred replies "Too late. It was only a small load, so I did it by hand."

--------------------------------

Why did the Lord give women thrush?

So they can learn to live with an irritating twat before they actually marry one!

That ok for you, Scar?

[Bikerpunk]

The Labour girl and the Conservative boy get married, to everyone's bemusement.... but there they were on their wedding night, in bed, seething, angry at each other back to back because of a silly political squabble.

After a while, the girl feels a bit bad at starting off the marriage so badly, so she sidles up to him and says

"Dear, there's a split in the Labour Party, and if the Conservative member were to stand now, he'd get in easily."

He looks over his shoulder and says

"Too late, he's run as an Independant, and lost his deposit."

[Donald Rilea]

The Labour girl and the Conservative boy get married, to everyone's bemusement.... but there they were on their wedding night, in bed, seething, angry at each other back to back because of a silly political squabble.

After a while, the girl feels a bit bad at starting off the marriage so badly, so she sidles up to him and says

"Dear, there's a split in the Labour Party, and if the Conservative member were to stand now, he'd get in easily."

He looks over his shoulder and says

"Too late, he's run as an Independant, and lost his deposit."

[evilstonermonkey]

an old couple are lying in bed when suddenly the old geezer lets rip an enormous fart. "one-nil!" he cries. his wife looks at him quizzically, but says nothing. 5 minutes later a second blasts the covers. "two-nil!" he gleefully exclaims. the old bird, catching on, squeezes out two in quick succession, saying "the scores are tied." not to be beaten at his own game, the old dude strains and strains until finally something solid hits the sheets. "what the hell was that?" the woman asks.
"errr... half time... change sides."

[Tinman]

Lmao!

[evilstonermonkey]

4 guys sitting in a jail cell... a zoophile, a sadist, a necrophile and a masochist.
the zoophile says "if we had a cat here, i'd fuck it till i passed out."
the sadist says "after that i'd torture it to death"
the necrophile says "and then I'D fuck it till i passed out."
the masochist looks at them all and says... "meow..."

[Donald Rilea]

4 guys sitting in a jail cell... a zoophile, a sadist, a necrophile and a masochist.
the zoophile says "if we had a cat here, i'd fuck it till i passed out."
the sadist says "after that i'd torture it to death"
the necrophile says "and then I'D fuck it till i passed out."
the masochist looks at them all and says... "meow..."

[Bikerpunk]

Guy's in a bar, and after ordering his beer he realises he's smack dab in the middle of a gay bar.

He can't help but show his innate homophobia by his uncomfortable posture.

Guy walks up to him and says "problem's all on your side, BITCH, this is our bar."

The straight guy is like "no problem, I'll just finish my beer and leave. Sorry about the mixup."

Gay guy is like "What's your problem with us anyways?"

He says "Nothin personal, but I like guys to be a bit more, masculine, you know. Come on, disco remix of Celine Dion? Rainbow flags? I like things to be a little less sissy, yeah?"

Gay guy says "huh, bed you'd be crap at bar football."

Straight's bemused: "Bar football?"

Gay: "Sure, honey." (powers down beer) TOUCHDOWN!!!!! (bends over, drops pants, hangs bare ass out at straight guy, farts.) FIELD GOAL!!!!!

So the straight guy says "oh, Jesus, that's easy." (DOWNS BEER) TOUCHDOWN!

He drops his pants and gets thoroughly buggered by the gay guy going "BLOCK THAT KICK! BLOCK THAT KICK!"

[Donald Rilea]

Guy's in a bar, and after ordering his beer he realises he's smack dab in the middle of a gay bar.

He can't help but show his innate homophobia by his uncomfortable posture.

Guy walks up to him and says "problem's all on your side, BITCH, this is our bar."

The straight guy is like "no problem, I'll just finish my beer and leave. Sorry about the mixup."

Gay guy is like "What's your problem with us anyways?"

He says "Nothin personal, but I like guys to be a bit more, masculine, you know. Come on, disco remix of Celine Dion? Rainbow flags? I like things to be a little less sissy, yeah?"

Gay guy says "huh, bed you'd be crap at bar football."

Straight's bemused: "Bar football?"

Gay: "Sure, honey." (powers down beer) TOUCHDOWN!!!!! (bends over, drops pants, hangs bare ass out at straight guy, farts.) FIELD GOAL!!!!!

So the straight guy says "oh, Jesus, that's easy." (DOWNS BEER) TOUCHDOWN!

He drops his pants and gets thoroughly buggered by the guy guy going "BLOCK THAT KICK! BLOCK THAT KICK!"

Oh, Buh-Lud-Dy Hell!!!!

[evilstonermonkey]

i had sex with a model last night.
but the glue was shit and one of the wings broke off.

and i had a really good joke to tell you about my shit, but unfortunately it was too corny

[Pull~My~Hair]

this is long but

So Dad is on the Sofa throwing peanuts in the air and catching them in his mouth, all of a sudden the cat runs across the room and dad turns his head in mid peanut thrown and it gets lodged in his ear. He starts diggin around in there and it keeps getting deeper and deeper. And then mom gets in there with a q-tip but it wont come out.

Daughter and Boyfriend come home and see the happenings,and the Boy friend says "hey no problem I can get that out right now for you" all of a sudden he walks over and sticks two fingers straight up the Dads nostrils and says "Blow really really hard"
So dad rolls his eyes and blows and ..well that peanut flew right out dads ear.
So the kids go into the kitchen to get a drink and mom and dad kinda laugh to them selves and mom says
"Well that is just one really bright boy, how he just thought of that right off the top of his head...What do you think that kid will be when he grows up?"
Dad replies..."well by the smell of his fingers..our son in law.."

[Bikerpunk]

The young couple were watching a movie on the VCR, and mother and father retreated to their bedroom in order to watch a movie themselves and give the teens a bit of privacy.

However, that has its own inherent risks, and soon mother was all a-fluster.

"Go down and check on them" says she, poking the father to get up, go downstars, etc. He comes back and says "they're fine."

Twenty minutes later the mother is imagining all kinds of scenarios.

"Go down and check on them" says she, poking the father to get up, go downstars, etc. He comes back and says "they're fine."

Twenty minutes later the mother is once again all concerned for her daughter.

"Go down and check on them" says she, poking the father to get up, go downstars, etc. He comes back and says "they're fine."

Forty five minutes later she turns to poke him but he's already on his feet, having given up on seeing the movie uninterrupted. But she doesn't have to ask this time, cause he's screaming, there's crying and muffled shouts and the sound of a youth being violently thrown out.

The daughter runs upstairs into her room and slams the door. The father comes in and lies back down in an angry mood.

"Whatever's the matter?" cries the mother.

"I don't mind him going down on her, after all, we were teenagers once, too. If she's blowing him, well, it's the 21st century, isn't it. I don't even mind going downstairs and finding out he's got her bent over the coffee table giving it to her doggie style and she's taking it like a champ. But I do object to him wiping his filthy cock all over our new curtains!!!!"

[evilstonermonkey]

not really dirty, but i reccomend that a good number of you DO NOT read the joke following it, and those of you i didnt want to leave with nothing

two muffins are in an oven. one of them says "man, its really getting hot in here. SHIT! we're in an oven!!"
the other muffin says...
"HOLY FUCK! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

please, please, dont read this joke:
how do you get 100 babies into a bucket?
with a blender.
how do you get them out?
with doritos.

... you asked for dirty. you just didnt say what kind of dirty

[Buster Friendly]

huh.

so what's so objectionable about that joke?

what's black and red, and can't turn around in hallways?

a dead baby zombie with a spear through it's chest.

[VoldtaEngler]

Has anybody ever slept with a chinese person and been horny an hour later?

[evilstonermonkey]

heh, building up a joke to me is half the joke buster... because everybodies disappontment is the funny part :P heres a couple more to tittilate you

whats more disgusting than a pile of 1000 dead babies?
one live one at the bottom, trying to eat its way out.

whats green and eats nuts?
syphilis.

what do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
a quarter pounder with cheese.

whats black and white and red all over?
a nun on her rags

whats the difference between pink and purple?
your grip

what does the pope have in common with a christmas tree?
his balls are purely decorative

whats the opposite of christopher reeves?
christopher walken

[Bikerpunk]

Eternal love - Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis...

[Black Spiral Dancer]

A young lad walks into his parents bedroom to find them having wild sex! The father throws a pillow at the kid and laughs, "Get out!"

About half an hour later, when they're finished, his father comes out the bedroom and hears a lot of strange noises coming from the kid's grandmothers room. He bursts in to find the you lad going 50 to the dozen on the old dear.

The dad is obviously shocked by this! The young lad says, "See! It's not so funny when it's your fucking mother!"

[Donald Rilea]

A young lad walks into his parents bedroom to find them having wild sex! The father throws a pillow at the kid and laughs, "Get out!"

About half an hour later, when they're finished, his father comes out the bedroom and hears a lot of strange noises coming from the kid's grandmothers room. He bursts in to find the you lad going 50 to the dozen on the old dear.

The dad is obviously shocked by this! The young lad says, "See! It's not so funny when it's your fucking mother!"

[Black Spiral Dancer]

I was sent this one in a text.

Alcohol-Free Beer: It's like going down on your sister.
It tastes the same, but you know that something is wrong!

[Black Spiral Dancer]

I got this one in a text from my SISTER! (If you live in the UK or have seen any adverts recently for Marks & Spencer, this will be funny)

A Fresh 9 Inch Penis, Covered in Hot Mustard Sauce...
Pierced Young Nipples dipped in Boiling Hot Toffee...
Soft Virgin Clits grilled on Maple soaked skewers...
This is not just food... This is S & M Food!

[evilstonermonkey]

whats the difference between micheal jackson and neil armstrong?

neil armstrong was the first to walk on the moon...
...
...
and michael jackson fucks little boys

[SyntheticShock]

What does an Eskimo and a Zip-Lock bag have in common?


They both like a tight seal!

[malcolm]

why don't withces wear panties?

they want a better grip on their broomsticks

[Black Spiral Dancer]

England are to change the Logo on their shirts. The Three Lions will be replaed by Three Tampons, to represent the Worst Period of football they've ever had!