Basically my old roomie keeps getting the checks from my web site, which he is holding ransom till I visit him. But in holding them ransom I have become broke (that and a week vacation to Burning Man) so, as described below, he may release them to me shortly.
Dear my long lost friend Scar,
I have decided for strictly selfish purposes to lift the embargo and sanctions upon your checks sitting at my house. My previous declaration to hold them as a means to bribe you to come visit me is hereby rescinded.
My reasons are simple. I miss you, and not being to talk to you on a regular basis sucks ass! In addition, my personal choice, and recent decision to consciously become an agouraphobic as a means to avoid everyone that is not nice, now prevents me from leaving my house ever again. Therefore, the need for Scar to be available to me even at odd hours has increased substantially due to trying out a new neurosis for fun.
However, in my ever controlling ways, and "profound wisdom," the terms of releasing your money (that is yours, that I have no known legal, moral, personal, legitimate, or logical reasons for holding captive other than my own selfish agenda and indignation) are conditional.
The terms of my conditions for allowing you to have your money, that I have no right to dictate to you whatsoever, but am going to do anyway, are as follows:
1) Buy a new phone so I can talk with you easily.
2) Fix your brakes so you can visit me easily.
As you can see all things lead to me. I need your mailing address again. That's two blow jobs now if you are ever single again or Allan let's you.