So finally the grand circuits been completed. Graduated highschool, made it through college, got a job I've wanted for 5 years but it all feels so damn empty.
I know we go through life a lot of us very idealistic. Especially when you're young. So this shouldn't have come as a complete shock to me, but, being an adult is pretty shitty. I wanted to be a cop for years so that I could help people, be there for folks, catch bad guys and eventually go into counter-human trafficking. I thought looking into the mirror that..that idealism is a good thing and I'll meet alot of people just like me who I'll connect with.
/pause for laugh track.
It seems this occupation attracts a few idealists who want to help people..but it also attracts a lot of bigotry, xenophobia and insecure men who can't be quietly confident. No they have to be the loud assholes. Ex-soldiers just back from the desert that wanna come and beat ass and take names, Christian crusaders up on their soap boxes preaching their black and white authoritarian view of the world. People with limited windows into the outside world. People that have grown up in small towns and been surrounded by sameness their whole lives. Now they will be around different people all day, every day and don't have the educational training to be introspective or neutral.
And this is just in the academy.
Needless to say, I feel incredibly "run through the washer". I feel isolated and rather alone. I gave away a lot of my personal freedom, individuality and rights to chase the idea of duty, honor and to chase the idea of a good life spent helping people. Does that make me a martyr or a dumbass? Either way it tastes rather bittersweet. It does however make me so much more thankful for the friends I still have, even though they are far away. It also made me in a way violently rebellious against my new, forced lifestyle of straight and narrow "sameness". Wearing black, listening to goth music and doing nerdy dumb shit on the weekend is a personal rebellion and makes me very happy.
I think for the first time..I realize what being goth is all about. A personal stand against the culture that preaches uniformity, sameness and ignorance. Viva la goth.
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