Should you loan a friend money?

[Amelia G]

If you have a friend who needs money, should you loan them money?

I have been in a jam and had a friend help me out on more than one occasion. I have helped a friend in a jam on more than one occasion. For someone I am really close with, I am the friend who will go find a bail bondsman in the middle of the night before someone gets transferred to county. I have mostly had good experiences with this, but I've had bad ones too and there are certainly some relationships I've had where I've seen things go badly whether I was the borrower or the lender.

These days, I am most likely to be the lender, unless it is the oh-they-don't-take-credit-cards-let's-hit-the-ATM-after-this sort of loan i.e. the sort of small dollar loan that lasts about two hours. I recently loaned someone quite a few hundred dollars because they told me it was an emergency or they were going to lose all their possessions. Okay, this is someone who borrowed a similar amount of money from their supposed best friend like six months ago and then had a falling out with them and never paid them. I probably should have known better, but they just seemed like they really needed it.

I communicated to my friend that they could either just pay me back or I would hire them to do work which would be equal to the amount of the loan, whatever was best for them. I can't tell if I basically threw the relationship away because I loaned my friend a bunch of money.

Should I have refused to extend this person a loan, knowing they were a questionnable credit risk? Or was it just a good gauge of what sort of person they are?

[One Eyed Cat]

It seems like *they* would be throwing the friendship away by not repaying you. I'd generally rather just give money without conditions than loan it, it is just too much hassle and expectation.

OEC

[Amelia G]

It seems like *they* would be throwing the friendship away by not repaying you. I'd generally rather just give money without conditions than loan it, it is just too much hassle and expectation.

OEC

I'll pick up the tab for dinner, but what do you do if a friend needs a lot of money? More than you could afford to lose, but not more than you could afford to temporarily be without? Is what you are saying basically, if your friend needs more than you can afford to lose, skip helping them?

[One Eyed Cat]

I'll pick up the tab for dinner, but what do you do if a friend needs a lot of money? More than you could afford to lose, but not more than you could afford to temporarily be without? Is what you are saying basically, if your friend needs more than you can afford to lose, skip helping them?

It would depend how dire the situation was. I think in some cases you would have to say no. Are you always even helping them by giving them money?

OEC

[Tequila Zaire]

I loan it with no expectations of getting it back so I look at it like this "can I afford to lose it?" if so...then yeah I'll loan it out. I don't think my friends are deadbeats by any means but If their is one thing that can rip apart even the closest relationships...it's money.

If I can't afford to part with it then no...cause I gotta look out for myself or else I'll be the one asking for money too and the cycle will just go on and on. It's hard NOT to help a friend but you're not responsible for their dire straits...I'll help them any other way I can and even help score or earn the cash (actually even then one has to be careful)

[BrightStar]

If you have a friend who needs money, should you loan them money?

Depends on the friend, and if you trust them.**

[bre.star]

when i read this, it reminded me that i watch too much judge judy, judge joe brown, judge mathis, and the peoples court. if there is one thing i learned from watching those shows it's don't loan a friend money. unless you KNOW 500% this person is good for their word, chances are it is going to ruin the friendship if they don't pay you back. i can see you are a good caring person and you wanted to help a friend, but don't loan someone money unless you plan on never seeing it again (oh yah and make sure you have the contract in writing). i think that offering your friend work to compensate for the money is a good idea though! that might keep the friendship in tact if your friend actually will work for you

[OliX]

loaning money to someone who allready own you money is bad... at least don't do that.... and don't get your friends used to be a charity.... it will happen'd that you can't help them and then you're bad person (just for helpin them before and not being in posibility to do that now)

[Amelia G]

loaning money to someone who allready own you money is bad... at least don't do that.... and don't get your friends used to be a charity.... it will happen'd that you can't help them and then you're bad person (just for helpin them before and not being in posibility to do that now)

I figured that essentially giving someone a paycheck advance when they were in an emergency situation was the right thing to do and I thought it would not be that big a stresser for them to do what they normally did but just get paid ahead of time. But I think you are right about the habitual thing in this case. I think they got used to being able to hit me up for whatever they needed, but then they got themselves into an even worse situation afterwards where there was really nothing I could do.

[CarnalxKiss]

i am like you...give the shirt off my back to help out a friend in need...after getting big burns as well..i have come to the realization...i wont loan money unless i would be willing, content and happy to give it ...not expecting to ever see it again...this way i wont focus on negativity and bad karma...in the end though...do what your instinct and heart says..its the only way you will truly be happy ..

[Amelia G]

i am like you...give the shirt off my back to help out a friend in need...after getting big burns as well..i have come to the realization...i wont loan money unless i would be willing, content and happy to give it ...not expecting to ever see it again...this way i wont focus on negativity and bad karma...in the end though...do what your instinct and heart says..its the only way you will truly be happy ..

My instinct says NO NO NO, but my heart says to help out. Doh!

In this instance, the person started blowing me off and kind of trying to pick a fight as soon as they cashed my check. It was like they felt like distancing themselves from me would justify never paying me back and they never had any intention of paying me back. I understand that anyone can get in over their head, but I like to think people at least mean to pay back loans, even if they end up not being able to.

[hewhoisagod]

I don't have the money to loan out............ I hate money.

[CarnalxKiss]

My instinct says NO NO NO, but my heart says to help out. Doh!

In this instance, the person started blowing me off and kind of trying to pick a fight as soon as they cashed my check. It was like they felt like distancing themselves from me would justify never paying me back and they never had any intention of paying me back. I understand that anyone can get in over their head, but I like to think people at least mean to pay back loans, even if they end up not being able to.

I dont know how good a friend this is....but...maybe they are just acting out in fright...because they wont be able to financially reimburse you...I look for the general good in people..so i'd hope that this wasn't a plot just to get free money from you. Maybe contact the person and let them know you will be willing to may easy payment arrangements...so they dont feel pressured to hurry to find the funds....if this doesnt help...it would seem they took advantage of you...in that case...do nothing...as hard as it is...try and keep a positive outlook and karma will do its wonders...and you...of course...will be in some way...blessed...it is a givers heart that breaks easily...but still can overflow ....i'm no expert...but if you truly feel/felt the need to give..then blessings will come your way..Not only are you beautiful and talented.....you seem like a really good person..i wish there were more like you...

[memorydream]

If they'll die for you sure, otherwise....no.

[Ichigo]

I always loan money to a certain person that posts on this message board, and he never seems to pay me back the full amount.

[Amelia G]

I dont know how good a friend this is....but...maybe they are just acting out in fright...because they wont be able to financially reimburse you...I look for the general good in people..so i'd hope that this wasn't a plot just to get free money from you. Maybe contact the person and let them know you will be willing to may easy payment arrangements...so they dont feel pressured to hurry to find the funds....if this doesnt help...it would seem they took advantage of you...in that case...do nothing...as hard as it is...try and keep a positive outlook and karma will do its wonders...and you...of course...will be in some way...blessed...it is a givers heart that breaks easily...but still can overflow ....i'm no expert...but if you truly feel/felt the need to give..then blessings will come your way..Not only are you beautiful and talented.....you seem like a really good person..i wish there were more like you...

Thank you so much for this lovely insight. Any way I look at it, this person talking me into a loan and suddenly developing a problem was deliberate. Short-sighted but deliberate. The fact that they did the exact same thing to their former supposed best friend a few months ago makes it clear. I was feeling bad because this person totally chumped me. I was sort of kicking myself with shoulda-known-betters. But you are right. I thought it was the right thing to help this person out. I still get to be a good person for having done what I thought was the right thing. The person who took advantage of my good heart has to be them. I'm going to try not to let one scammer make me a less good and giving person. Thanks for the reminder.

[CarnalxKiss]

Good for you! never let the bad seeds steal the good from you...they may take something material...but they cant take what counts! *hugs to you*

[TheDeathKnight]

I have had this exact problem before.
I had a friend from college. We used to hang out all the time.
Good friends. Fun to talk to, smart, cool, etc...

BUT...

He is very flaky, very ADD, and has a hard time keeping a job.

At first, he had really good reasons for why he was not making it.
Taking care of his dying mom, then helping out his sister, etc, etc...
So I would loan him money from time to time.
After his mom finally died, he had gotten married,
and he wanted to start his life over, and move
to another state, and get his life in order.
He had plans of going back to school, etc...
So I helped pay for their move.
He got there, and could not keep a job.
Then his wife cheated on him, and they got divorced.
He had lots of sad stories, and a bad situation, so I again
helped him move, to go to a job in yet another state,
to start over. And again, it fell apart, and he had to move
back to live with a friend of his. And then his friend eventually
kicked him out, because he was never able to hold a job.
All this time I was supportive. I would offer suggestions,
ideas, and occasionally send money to help out.

But eventually I realized that these problems were
his own fault. He was the one making the crappy
decisions. He has many options, where he could
get his degree with just a few classes, and he
could get a job, if he would just move to a big
city. And yet he keeps moving to small towns,
with no jobs, and he cannot keep the crappy
jobs he does get. I would offer suggestions
forever, but he would never take the suggestions.
He always had excuses. So I just gave up.

But the person is still a friend.
He would always be willing to take me in,
I could stay with his family, he is always
welcoming, and nice, etc...

So I suppose I might help, if it was a life-or-death situation.
But I will not bail him out anymore.
I will not pay the bills for his life.
I won't loan money to someone who is not being smart.
If it is a situation of circumstance, and they had nothing
to do with it, it is different. I will help.

But generally, I do not loan money to people at all anymore.
I give it away. That way I do not feel upset or angry if they
do not pay it back. If they do, great. But if not, that's fine.
That is the only way for me to do it now.
If it is a loan, you will always remember,
and it will always be annoying to you.

So regardless if you decide you want to help or not,
do not make it a loan. Make it a gift. And if they happen
to be doing great later, they can pay you back. But do
not make loans, unless you actually want to make out
a contract, a payment plan, etc... If you want to keep
the friendship, it's better to think of it as a gift...

[tatdownthere]

therse times freinds have loaned me money where i would have been scrwed if they hadn't but they would have been screwed if i didn;t pay them back butr i did pay them back because i was their freind as much as they were my freinds

[Camby Savelle]

It really depends on wich friend. Some of my friends I can trust with money, others I can't.

In your situation, I think you did the best thing possible, (offering them the oppertunity to work it off) because even if they don't pay you back if they are really your friend they will work it off. If they don't do either, attempt to pay you back or work it off. Then maybe they weren't that good of friend, but keep in mind that some people just are bad with money. They might have good intentions but screw up down the line. If it's a good friend that would be there for you in other ways outside of finincially I say that you don't let your relationship reguardless of what happens with the money.

[a_small_death]

Don't lend money to a friend if you know it will break your relationship with them. Nor lend out amounts you know deep down you may never get back. Thats why many times it just better to give the money with no strings provided you know the purpose is a legit one

[Tony1975]

Amelia,

No. Loaning friends money is the quickest way to loose friends. That's just my opinion though.