So here's one of the fun stories from my concert security gig.
When I schedule shows I have to call in weekly. Depending on who's in the office when I call, I'll either get to sign up for just the upcoming weekend or far in the future. So a few weeks ago I call in, calander in hand and hit the jackpot. Whoever was working decided to let me sign up for more than a month in advance so as she was rattling out dates I was scribbling on my calender and not paying any attention to who was playing when.
Thursday I show up at the venue with no knowledge other than "I have to work a show."
I clock in at the security office, grab a pair of ear plugs and that nights Data Sheet. The Data Sheet is an indispensible tool for us on the security team. It tells us who goes on stage at what time, who's doing meet and greets and where/when, what's allowed for what show, when to expect pyro, what vendors are going to be on-site that night and all sorts of other relevant intel. When I threw on my uniform and got my assignment I looked at the Data Sheet and actually gasped in horror. I was going to be balls-deep in the middle of a John Mayer show.
That's right, the douche who may as well be the arch nemesis of everything right and cool on this planet, John-fucking-your-body-is-a-fucking-wonderland-fucking-Mayer.
We go through the standard briefing and I'm sent to my post just before the doors are open to the public. One of the opening bands is still doing their sound check. I pulled the plugs from my pocket and started to put them in my ear when one of the other guards, a new hire on her first show, asks me, "Do you really think you're going to need hearing protection at a John Mayer show?" I told her that it wasn't for the health of my ears, but for my sanity. Turns out she had no love for John Gayer either.
So the show goes on as planned and the venue fills up with the expected crowd of lame-ass, white, suburban "tweens"; fagot-ass frat boys who got dragged there by their girlfriends; fagot ass frat boys who went with their boyfriends; and a small contingent of parents concerned enough about their child's welfare to actually go with them to a show.
Then, in the middle of Mayer's set I see 3 grungy, hippie looking kids standing in the aisle. Now, usually when you see people in the aisle it's because they don't have seat tickets and need to be sent out onto the general admission lawn. I go over and ask these dirtbags for their tickets and after a few seconds of them trying to bullshit me I send them out to the lawn.
A few minutes later I see another guard throwing the same group out of the house again and later still I toss the group out once more and tell them in no uncertain terms that if I see them again, they're getting thrown out.
A few songs later, near the very end of the show, I see one of the fucking hippie kids try to blow past me down the aisle toward the stage. I took off after him and gabbed him by the shoulder, spinning him around. He gives me this same stoned, confused look I've already seen enough times that just the sight of it now tells me you're a liar. I say that he's out and point out towards the lobby saying, "Let's go." in my sternest "perception of authority" voice. He starts to go towards the lawn again and I say, "No, that way." and point to the lobby again. He stops walking and starts giving me a bunch of the standard shit. "Awww c'mon man!"
I'm not hearing any of it and I put my hand on his back and start walking him towards the door. "Walk!"
He starts leaning back against my hand and walking very slowly and we have the following conversation.
"Stop resisting me and walk."
"C'mon dude! I'll walk, just take your hand off me and let me go with dignity."
"You lost your right to dignity when you pissed me off."
" But....I didn't piss you off!"
"The hell you didn't."
So normally procedure dictates that for EVERY ejection we have to take them to the processing office but practically we only reserve that for people who need medical attention, are really drunk or really violent because 9 times out of 10, once you're in processing, the cops are involved. So I bypassed the office and just shoved the dude out the door. Unfortunately for me it turns out that the head of the venue was standing right there when I did it.
He comes over to me going "Woah woah woah! Let's work on our *company name* shove there boss!" and he calls the little hippie fuck back over. He asks the guy what happened and this little puddle of puke gives him a totally different story and actually BREAKS INTO FUCKING TEARS. The big man tells me to let him back in but to walk him out to the lawn. I'm already angry at this bitch but then as I'm walking him out to the lawn his friends come up and find us and they start trying to give me shit.
The fact that they were so fucking lame that it was actually funny was the only thing that saved them. They used every excuse their feeble brains could concoct to keep him from getting thrown out EVEN THOUGH I WAS WALKING HIM BACK INTO THE SHOW! I couldn't believe it.
"Dude, this guy is the biggest John Mayer fan in the world! He won pit tickets on a radio contest!"
-False. He had already shown me his regular lawn ticket.
"Yo man, he has VIP passes and when you saw us we were coming back out from back-stage."
-False. Not a single one of them had badges.
And then the best one ever:
"Man, he's John Mayer Junior! We go to every show on the tour!"
"You go without passes?"
"Yeah well all the.....the.....road crew, they know us see?"
"Yeah right."
"Totally dude! He get's VIP tickets to every John Mayer show. He could hook you up but you're fucking with him so we'll remember that, y'know what I mean."
"Look fuckbag, if I wasn't pulling a paycheck for babysitting you little fagots I wouldn't be anywhere within the city limits of this show. So here's what's going to happen. You're going to shut the fuck up. You're going to walk the fuck up on the lawn for the last like seven minutes of this suck-fest and you're going to never let me see you again. YOU GET ME, YOU HIPPIE FUCKS???"
And right as I finished, I did the fake lunge thing where you throw your chest a few inches towards them. One of them jumped back so far that he actually fell on his ass! I walked back to my post laughing so hard I almost fell over myself.
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