should you change your appearance to please your partner?

[malcolm]

this question could also go along the lines of not changing your appearance to please your partner too.

[Nos]

A very good question! LaVey wrote about appealing to your desired partner's demonic side ... which in some cases may involve altering your appearance a bit. Typically when we are trying to impress someone we dress a little better than normal. For example: When I'm at home I run around in boxers and old horror movie shirts. But if I was going somewhere that say, Crispin Glover would be at, I would wear heels and and a corset

Now it terms of totally changing my image for someone...like starting to wear sweater vests and khaki pants.... I don't know. I guess if it was a real turn on for them, I'd wear it the bedroom but never in public

I would never do anything like have a tattoo removed or take out my nose ring. I've done those things for myself and I keep them for myself. The partners I've had seem to like those things anyway!

[Xavialune]

nope. Like me or leave me.

[OliX]

With pleasure

[Valerian Reign]

Most of the time no, unless your partner just does not care about his or her physical apperance. Then you have a problem, unless you do not mind dating slobs. Also, I would absolutely HATE it if Xavia shaved her head. I would sincerely talk her out of it if she even merely suggested it. I already had a girl do that once. It looked terrible. It pissed me off and I found her incredibly unattractive because of it. And I had a right to be upset, just as much as she had a right to do it. She violated what I felt was attractive. So, she suffered the consequence of me finding her less attractive. Oh well, that was over four years ago, and Xavia won't shave her head. I don't think

[malcolm]

yeah not all chicas-or guys for tha tmatter- can pull a shaved head off. ill give you that.

[Xavialune]

lol...well I respect Val's opinions of what is attractive. We are pretty much on the same page, as I think couples should be in that area..I mean, if you dont find your partner attractive, thats going to be a big issue. But we did have an issue a while back where I grew out my bangs because he hated them and thought they were very unattractive. I love my bangs, so eventually I just got fed up and cut them back into a V. I knew he hated them, but I just couldnt look in the mirror with those ugly long side-bangs (which I actually still have in my avatar pic). So while I think it is important to be on the same page as your partner with regards to what is attractive or not, sometimes thats just not possible. If you really want to do something, I dont think that changing for your partner should influence you. I mean of course I knew Val would hate my bangs..but guess what? My opinion of myself is more important (sorry babe). If one thinks me less attractive for it, so be it. I think shaving one's head is a huge thing, but if youre talking little things like bangs I dont think that is neccessarily 'violating' anyone.

Of course, I will never shave my head because well..I dont like shaved heads

And anyway, Val ended up liking my bangs like they are. I think..you said that, didnt you dear? lol

[Xavialune]

I dont think hating my long bangs is caring too much about my own appearance, its just something I didnt like. It looked like shit. Its important to look good in your own eyes, dont you think? If not, do you just let yourself go?

[malcolm]

yeah i dont get how people can let themselve go like that. but then again i am like atleast twnety pounds over weight myself and don't wear makeup or do my hair much nowadays myself. it's not tha tim letting myself go though. i still accessorise whatever i wear and try to look decent when i go out.

[nathanmbailey]

Hells no. Then again, I randomly change things about my appearance anyways, but 90% of the time it's jeans, boots, and a work shirt or some shirt with a stupid slogan or a band name. That's of course, when I'm not in uniform which is definately not often enough.

At the same time, I'd never ask someone to change the way they dress or look for my own sake. I also happen to have fairly low standards anyway.

[Xavialune]

lol well to each their own of course.

I personally am much more materialistic than I probably should be. But I enjoy those things, so be it, right? I like hair, makeup, shoes, clothes, etc..And it is very important for me to look good in my own eyes. I dont care what other people think :P

(except what my mom constantly says, as in my other post..but thats just because she pisses me off!)

[bohoki]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6lgpOdRXXu0

[Xavialune]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6lgpOdRXXu0

Too bad!

[Anna Evans]

I do change little things about what I normally do to make my partners happier; for example, I'm not much into glitter, but my girlfriend is quite fond of it, so I've started incorporating it into my makeup more often. She's started wearing more black, because she knows I like it. Our boyfriend bought decent shoes because I'm very footwear focused, although left to his own devices he's just as happy in sneakers.

None of these are huge, life changing style decisions, obviously, but I think it's only natural that any people who are together will make little adjustments to each other as a result of being together.

[batzilla]

I don't think that you should sacrifice what makes you happy to make your partner happy. But if you know the person you're with strongly prefers a certain look and it's not a big deal to you to maintain or take on that look, then why not? If you're not committed to your mustache and your partner hates it, cut it off, etc.

[Aza]

I think it's only natural that any people who are together will make little adjustments to each other as a result of being together.

Oh, absolutely.

Once upon a time, I was the semi-proud owner of a goatee and soul-patch set. Before I met K, it had been a while since I'd been with one woman long enough for her to get annoyed with my facial hair. The night we met, we kissed so much that I wound up hurting her. I shaved them both off that first night and haven't looked back since. They were alright, but my face looks better without them I don't doubt... and there's no sacrifice big or small that I wouldn't make to be allowed to keep kissing this woman!

Besides, I know in my heart she'll never ask me to change anything that matters, nor would I her.

[DJ Bat]

Nope - Self defeating. It will bite you in the ass once you revert. That is of course if we're talking about your 'self' as opposed to your habits of flicking your boogers on his/her side of the bed, etc...

[Mr Karl]

no...................unless she had a huge dowry

[Morning Glory]

I don't give a shit about how I look. If someone likes it enough to shag me, then clearly I must have been doing something right in the first place, or enough of something at least that the rest doesn't matter. does that make sense?

I usually just wear jeans, or black khahki work pants and a white or black t-shirt. fashion is not high on my list of self-definition.

[keiko]

Oh, absolutely.

Once upon a time, I was the semi-proud owner of a soul-patch set. Before I met K, it had been a while since I'd been with one woman long enough for her to get annoyed with my facial hair. The night we met, we kissed so much that I wound up hurting her. I shaved them both off that first night and haven't looked back since. They were alright, but my face looks better without them I don't doubt... and there's no sacrifice big or small that I wouldn't make to be allowed to keep kissing this woman!

Besides, I know in my heart she'll never ask me to change anything that matters, nor would I her.

Yeah well having half my chin scraped off from kissing you for six hours straight was a worthy sacrifice for being allowed to kiss you.

My ex tried to change my look, mostly because I dressed like a slob. I wasn't the fitted shirt and tight pants/short skirts kind of person. I'm still not really. When I'm just dressing for myself, or rolling out of bed and throwing something on just so that I'm not nekkid, it's baggy pants and loose oversized t-shirts. I appreciate that he was trying to get me to flaunt what I've got, but it started to annoy me when he made fun of my tye-dye and flower child paraphernalia. I let him change my hair, my wardrobe, and even my mind on a few things. I regret that I let that happen, especially now that I have a wonderful loving SO that accepts me just the way I am, eccentricities and all.

I know I wasn't happy when I had to alter who I was and how I expressed that for someone else, and I know that I've learned to love who I am and I'm not interested in changing that for anyone... unless they're a director and they're paying me lots of money and giving me a great part for cutting my hair/getting a tan/ etc.

~K

[Deadly Envy]

Now it terms of totally changing my image for someone...like starting to wear sweater vests and khaki pants.... I don't know. I guess if it was a real turn on for them, I'd wear it the bedroom but never in public

I would never do anything like have a tattoo removed or take out my nose ring. I've done those things for myself and I keep them for myself. The partners I've had seem to like those things anyway!

*moan and shudder* sweater vest and khaki pants with nose ring and no sight of undressing at all... That sound SOO HOT! *censored*

[LeilaHazlett]

Depends. I grew out my hair for my last boyfriend because I honestly don't really care what my hair looks like. I would never do something I really didn't want to like start wearing makeup because that's just a bit too superficial for me to be comfortable with.

[Nos]

*moan and shudder* sweater vest and khaki pants with nose ring and no sight of undressing at all... That sound SOO HOT! *censored*

That should be my next photo set !

[BigBoy]

I always like to keep my appearence neat (comb my hair, perfume for men, stay fresh & clean) & im actually thinking about changing my style to a darker one for a girl! For starters I've bought a pair of black leather fingerless gloves & I must say they're pretty comfy!

[TheDeathKnight]

Yeah, I ran into that problem with one of my exes.

She thought all the goth stuff was fun and cool, but she was originally from a more "normal" background. So after enjoying the "scene" for a while, she decided she did not like it as much anymore, and wanted to be more "trendy" and "fashionable". Which is fine. I have no problem with a person changing interests, or their look. I have done it myself many times. I have been involved in scenes where I looked normal, or like a heavy metal rocker, a surfer, goth, and many other styles. Just because I was interested in different kinds of music, or different scenes for a few years at a time. So I don't mind if my partner explores other looks.

But the problem was that she wanted me to look trendy and fashionable too. In the metrosexual way. Like shaved chest, $100 shirts, fancy slacks, male manicures, short hair, no tattoos, and generally to look like a "pretty boy" male model. Well, that's not my style, and that style does not go with who I am. So we ended up breaking up, because she wanted a guy more like that.

So my opinion is that you should let your partner do what they want with how they look. But I do understand that if you go down some roads, your partner may find you unappealing or unattractive. That's just a fact of life. You just have to decide if changing to make them happy, will make YOU unhappy. If my ex had gotten into rockabilly, or some other interesting style or scene, I might have been happier to accommodate her tastes. But what she was asking me to look like, was opposite of what I like to portray. So that would have made me miserable. So that's not ok...

[malcolm]

I always like to keep my appearence neat (comb my hair, perfume for men, stay fresh & clean) & im actually thinking about changing my style to a darker one for a girl! For starters I've bought a pair of black leather fingerless gloves & I must say they're pretty comfy!

oh! those sound fun! i have a pair of knit fingerless ones with glow in the dark skele hands on em that go good with these pastel colored skull sleevelets i got.

i have a lot of stuff with multicolored skulls on it. skulls are kewl!

[Dusk]

If it is something reasonable like getting off my lazy ass and shaving my hobo beard the yea, but in terms of what I wear or music etc I would say no, with is good cos my girlfrind only has a problem with the beard, cos it makes her face itch xD

[BigBoy]

oh! those sound fun! i have a pair of knit fingerless ones with glow in the dark skele hands on em that go good with these pastel colored skull sleevelets i got.

i have a lot of stuff with multicolored skulls on it. skulls are kewl!

That sounds a lot of fun! even though I've always been very inhibited in my way of dressing (perhaps I didn't want to draw attention to myself) but now that I look back every halloween since my early teens I always have been dressing as a goth/punk and i really felt very comfortable in that skin

[SyntheticShock]

I don't think anyone should change themselves specifically to make their partner happy. I know everyone makes little changes in relationships to adapt to one another, and sometimes becuase your partner may like a certain look on you, within reason, one might oblige. But if someone wants to change you to benefit themselves, they might as well go find someone to better suit their needs.

[Amelia G]

There is a difference between changing who you are and getting dressed up for your partner. If someone wanted me to do something very time-consuming with my appearance every single day and it wasn't really compatible with who I am and how I spend my time, I would not be into it. But, if someone happened to like one style of dress over another, or liked my hair up or waved a certain way or possibly even a particular color, then of course I'd aim for what they liked when going out with them.

I think most people attract someone who likes most of what they look like in the first place, so most changes are likely to be in ways which are not that big a deal. Unless someone radically changes how they want to present themselves like in DeathKnight's example.

[TheDeathKnight]

I think one of the things people don't anticipate, when they are young, is the fact that people do get bored with the same look, same scene, same music, same hobbies, same friends, etc. So people do go through some pretty big changes every 10 years or so. That's why a lot of marriages don't work in the long run. People go off in different directions, and you are no longer best friends. I think one of the keys to making things work with someone, is being able to accept the fact that people do change, and be cool with that.

[malcolm]

that's kinda one of the things that happened between me and "k" that ended up wrecking our relationship.

not that i blame her though. i should have been more honest about myself on here and to her about who i am from the getgo but this has been something i've been dealing with since i was atleast seven and just tryed my best to act like it didnt exist.

[Raza]

Only if their being pleased makes you want to.

[Amelia G]

Only if their being pleased makes you want to.

If it doesn't, you probably should kick them to the curb anyway.

[Dusk]

I have deicided on getting dreadlocks, and when I told my partner her response was "No there gross and smelly" after I explained to her that only happens if you dont take care of them, and the only experience she had with dreads was her cousin who never washed his.
Moral of the story: Some times poeple dont want you to do something/want you to because they dont understand the factors involved. My girlfriend honestly thought that you couldnt was dreads, but the guy who is going to help make mine has them and he told me he does wash his, so I get dreads without the argument xD

[malcolm]

you're gonna have to show us when you get em.

[Dusk]

I will. Im also working on a new avatar.

[malcolm]

nifty. ive been playing with mine but i like this pic of me alot. maybe when i get my clown costume finished i might change it

[Dusk]

I dont rally have any pics of me. Do you want me to tell you what Im planing or keep it a surprise? lol

[malcolm]

thats up to you. im one of those people you could tell and i'd still be surprised all the same lol