Joke Thread

[pelelaka]

i thought it was:
what's the difference between a jew and a pizza?
a pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.
-not trying to piss anyone off :-D

[Will Judy]

not trying to piss anyone off :-D

Good luck with that.

[Amelia G]

So I'm not inclined to do a whole lot of censoring. I want to have as free a forum as possible. That said, I would STRONGLY prefer that racial and ethnic bigotry-based humor NOT appear here.

[Will Judy]

So I'm not inclined to do a whole lot of censoring. I want to have as free a forum as possible. That said, I would STRONGLY prefer that racial and ethnic bigotry-based humor NOT appear here.

So, dead babies, dogfucking, and puns are still cool for jokes?

[Amelia G]

So, dead babies, dogfucking, and puns are still cool for jokes?

Well, personally I find all puns, with the exception of those of a pornographic nature, to be somewhat distasteful, but I'll let it slide.

[Sin]

What's grosser than gross?
When you dream about pudding and waking up with a spoon up your ass

[koolagh]

Makes you wonder how many shot glasses you drank the night before.

I have never, in my entire life of drinking, EVER drank a shot glass. Have drank thousands of shots out of shot glasses, but never drank a shot glass.

[DyingSunshine]

Rubber on the end


A husband and a wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes.

When the bus arrives, they find that it is overloaded and only the wife and nine kids are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that sound is driving me nuts!"

The blind man replies, "If you would've put rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up!"

[BrightStar]

I have never, in my entire life of drinking, EVER drank a shot glass. Have drank thousands of shots out of shot glasses, but never drank a shot glass.

Lol, thats what I trying to make a post without obssession over semantics,haha. :p

[BrightStar]

While I search for my BackLog stuff on Gene's Site, here is a set of jokes I found funny.

Court Humor - FUNNY!

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

[BrightStar]

Another funny joke from the Archives.

Hey Gene, here's one for the ladies
regards

Al Snakey

A young couple was in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly bruiser, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said.

"That's right and don't forget it," said the husband. " I'm the man in this family."

With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could
only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

He said, "Hell, I can't get into your pants."

She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your fucking attitude changes!"

[pizzabone13]

how do you make a kleenex dance?

blow a little boogie in it.

[BrightStar]

Was browsing, and noticed this while I was seeking other stuff:

Lesson One

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson - To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up.

Lesson Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients"

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson - Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there.

Lesson Three

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While hewas lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson -
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends your two minute management course

[nausiatingpain]

What's better than a cold Budweiser?

A warm Busch.

[nausiatingpain]

Did anybody hear that George Bush is changing his running mate to Arlen Specter? So the ticket will be "Bush & Specter". (say it out loud)

[footprintsonmyheart]

ok so i farmer was sitting in the pub on a beautiful summers day. the bar man approaches him and says" not that i dont like the business but why are you sitting in here on such a nice day?" the farmer replyed"somethings you just cant explain"
so the bar man seeing that there is a problem asks the farmer if he would like to talk about it. "ok says the farmer, earlier on i was milking my cow and with her right foot she kicked the bucket over" "but thats not so bad said the bar man " well thats what i thought so i tied her right leg to the post with some rope and carried on milking her but then she kicked over the bucket of milk with her left foot"
"oh no " replyed the bar man "but surely that cant have ruined your day?" "it didnt "cried the farmer " the next bit did i tied her lift leg to the post with some rope and continued to milk her BUT SHE kNOCKED it over with her tail but by this point i had to rope left so i tied her tail to the post with my belt
but then MY PANTS FELL DOWN AND THE WIFE WALKED IN AND SOMETHINGS YOU JUST CANT EXPLAIN!