Tact and etiquette?

[Mirren]

If you are dating a person, and you two beat on eachother quite frequently... do you think it is out of line for one of the couple to be taking the other person to family functions when everyone knows about the way they hurt eachother? That happened over the weekend at a family party at a restaurant. My cousin dates a guy and they beat eachother up when they get drunk or high, she brought him to a family gathering for the first time ever. He has always not been welcomed in the past and she knows that but shose to defy what she has been told. No one said anything to this guy but everyone was warned not to start anything or say anything because the party would be ruined. It really puts everyone in a bad position. I saw her in the bathroom of the restaurant and I didn't say anything but "Hello". I felt If it didn't bother her,why should I care but I have my opinion of course. This is not a child, this is a 42 year old woman with 5 kids. I must say I don't think it's proper for anyone to be beating on anyone, male or female. The men in my family wanted to beat her boyfriend senseless.. what about her role in this sick co-dependent relationship? Opinions?

[Mindgames]

In the specific case you're describing, if both parties are abusive to each other then it's difficult to assign 'blame' based simply on which one you know better. Agreeing with their relationship is neither here nor there, but it's not a whole lot different to asking "should two lesbians socialise in the mid-West?" - there is a balance between the freedom of those involved to conduct their life how they choose, vs. the freedom of the others in the room to be offended by it.

The couple must accept that public situations demand control out of respect for everyone else (no fighting, no sapphic sex during the fdessert course, etc), but by the same token should they be denied normal 'life'? At least with friends you can choose them, but at a family gathering you're guaranteed to offend at least 50% of them just by arriving.

Asking back at ya, what would you say you felt toward them - anger, sympathy, regret or pity?

mG

[Mirren]

mG,
I wasn't angry at him or her. She asked me If I would go meet him, and I did. I shook his hand and said "Hi". I surely didn't sit there and drink with them. I am a realist, I know how those things can get. I was never an innocent but I wasn't one to be violent in my relationships. I felt that my cousin was trying to have a chance at some sense of normalcy by choosing to be so bold and taking him. She said she doesn't care anymore what everyone thinks and that she loves him and wants to be with him. That's what she told me when I said "hello" to her in the bathroom that night. It's very extreme what they do to eachother, breaking arms, biting to the point where they have eachothers dental impressions on their bodies etc.. She never feels welcomed to go to any family event with her significant other, like most people are free to do. You could tell he had an attitude because she was drinking a lot, he drinks too but I feel he was trying to make it look like she was the heavier drinker of the couple. That wasn't working. Her excessive drinking led her to dance with other guys too.... it was being discussed that there may be backlash for her later. I don't see her as an innocent victim, that's for certain. There comes a time when you need to get clean and examine yourself and your life. I can't say I truly know why they are violent with eachother but I have asked her. She claims they will drink or get high, then a fight will ensue and they begin to brawl and that she gives just as good as she gets. Just in from the wire.. she is now sporting a black eye from this weekends event.

[Morning Glory]

I know some people that are just like this. I don't really blame either one of them, or try and get involved, because I know that they are idiots. not neccesarily bad people, just not good for each other or a relationship. no one ever invites them to do anything not because they don't want them around, but because they insist on always making people come over to their house. this actually works pretty well for social control, because if they make a scene then it won't be a public spectacle of embarassment, and if they become too obnoxious you can simply leave. Like I said, they aren't really that bad, I enjoy them in small doses. I'll usualy only spend a short ammount of time around them and not at family functions as to minimize the chances of a war zone.

[Wickedanima]

I don't think its out of line for the family to want her to keep him away from discomforting the rest of the family. Bringing people like that the family functions can only create possible distress for everyone involved, particularly when they know there is very little that they can do about it.

As for the Cousin, she should really feel ashamed for acting like a rebellious child. She knows that the men in the family want to rescue her from this really bad situation, and that it causes general strife for her man to even be present at gatherings.

I don't think she has the faintest idea that seeing her and her man together brings out painful things, like sympathy for her suffering, helplessness, and frustration that make time together not fun and relaxing, but stressful.

[Mirren]

Wickedanima,
You make valid points. It's a lose lose situation. When you are strung out, I doubt you care too much about what anyone else is feeling but your own pain. I have used hard drugs, I know what all that is about but drugs didn't make me stupid and lose my sense of reality.... everyone is different. The family just wants her to get better. She has suffered past incest sexual abuse issues , so she is scarred emotionally. It's hard not to have sympathy/empathy.

[Mirren]

Morning Glory,
I am glad I am not the only one who has been in this situation. Luckily, it doesn't happen that often for me. I try to stay away from family squabbles. I have a huge family and we all are very close but life can't always be perfect. You can love people but not agree with how they live.

[Mr Karl]

my opinion. noone should have to be around anyone they don't want to be around .
so when my family gets all together we leave our partners at home

[Wickedanima]

Ahhh. I see. *nods* It makes things a little more hairy then. Has she ever been in rehab?

[World*in*my*Eyes]

If a couple are beating each other up, they are very sick and deserve each other. I would not invite them to family gatherings.

[Mirren]

Ahhh. I see. *nods* It makes things a little more hairy then. Has she ever been in rehab?

Wickedanima,
Yes, she has been in rehabilitation for mental help with abuse and alcohol/drug addiction.

[Wickedanima]

Gah. I'm sorry.

[Mirren]

Gah. I'm sorry.

We just hope for the best . All you can do. We have no control over anyone else's lifestyle so..

[Mindgames]

Reading on through, it looks likely neither of them really understand how their relationship and actions are perceived from other peoples' viewpoints. It's almost normal in a mutually abusive relationship for their internal rules on reality and acceptable behavior to be so realigned that they can't step back and take stock, and it means talking to them, explaining how outsiders are affected, usually doesn't register. Where a relationship is single-sided in abuse, there's a valid role for others to force changes of viewpoint if it can stop the abuse, but in a mutual situation they probably feel what they're doing is "normal for them" and pushing against that will only alienate them. Eventually one of those involved will change their mind, but change has to come from inside the relationship before it will have any lasting effect.

mG