my father is mad again

[Baby_Switchblade]

LoraLie, I'm really sorry you've had to go through this shit.
My firm belief is to discipline a small child if they're acting up, but not with a bat, whip, bottle, or anything... not even a closed fist. Open handed, and for disciplinary reasons only.

To do it out of anger is purely wrong. And anybody who continues to do it once the 'child' has become a teenager or an adult, then it's purely messed up, I'm sorry.

Unfortunately though, it happens everywhere and it's quite often difficult to notice it until it's been going on for a long period of time.

[vulfgrl]

This morning my 7 year old was screaming at me and throwing a fit. I could not get her to stop or talk to me, and finally I opened my arms and pulled her in my lap and put her head against me, and she began crying and then calmed down. Sometimes when I'm angry at Michael and having a tantrum and saying stupid things that's the only thing that works for me, too.

[LoraLie]

This morning my 7 year old was screaming at me and throwing a fit. I could not get her to stop or talk to me, and finally I opened my arms and pulled her in my lap and put her head against me, and she began crying and then calmed down. Sometimes when I'm angry at Michael and having a tantrum and saying stupid things that's the only thing that works for me, too.

i know sometimes when i'm upset. the only thing i want int he world is a hug.
sometimes i think love is the best answer to anger. but i never tried hugging my father heh, i just didnt see it ending pretty

it definatly ends up fucking with a kid. my father has told me about how he was beat with a waterhose & other shit when he was a kid. he told me once about how his mom threw a fork at him for some reason. so its really the only thing he has known i guess.
i see how it effects how i react to things (well, i dont react in anger, i never seem to get angry). but i blame myself for a lot of things. sometimes not my fault.
but thats only sometimes. not all the time of course.
when i was in the 6th grade a counsellor i was forced to talk to told me that i was most likely to end up in an abusive relationship (she had some reason, i just dont remember mucha nymore). she knew nothign about my dad. it freaked me out.

we've actually went through crap with child protective services before, when i was 16 or 17. but it was for another reason, not the hitting. it had something to do with emotional neglect. thats a long story there too heh

got to love parents
sometimes doing their best, isnt the best at all. its another thing that really makes me scared to have kids.

[TheDeathKnight]

YoungSoulRebel,

My main point was that a lot of parents are idiots.
And as idiots, the best they can do, is to hit their kids,
because it is the easiest way to make them do what you
want them to do.

The other methods require a lot more time, intelligence,
patience, and skill...

Hitting a kid when they do something wrong is the quickest and
easiest way to make them stop doing it...

It's not right, it's not good, it's not smart, but for idiot parents,
it's all their simple minds can come up with...

"Billy spilled the milk, it made me mad, so I hit him..."

It's simple to them.

"If you spill the milk again, I will hit you again, so don't do it..."

[YoungSoulRebel]

got to love parents
sometimes doing their best, isnt the best at all. its another thing that really makes me scared to have kids.

No, it's not even doing their best, and they expect people who don't know any better to give them that excuse. If they were even doing THEIR best, they'd grow up and realise their own upbringing was a prime example of what NOT to do, but instead, like small children, they figure "if it happened to me, my kid's getting it to, no reason for them not to suffer like I did." Which is totally wrong in so many ways. Shit, my father even once told me his goal was to make sure I "suffer like (he) did". He had the capactity to grow up, he just didn't want to until it was too late.

I left home and the town I went to high school in at the age of eighteen, and didn't even speak with those hillbillies for nearly four years, until I had to get some small inheritence. Then my father realised what a fuck-up he was all those years and apologised, saying he was the crew-up, not me and he realised that everything he decided I did "wrong" was just his lack of understanding of how "people like me" do things. It's sad that it took him four years without the kid who's effectively his only biological son to realise HE was the fuck-up. Despite all the abuse his own father put him through, he still loved the guy and took care of him father until the day that old man died from acute cirrhosis. But he realised I didn't love him, because I didn't have any desire to put up with his bullshit anymore than I had to, I even left town to make it harder for him to find me and completely shut myself off from them until I had to deal with them again.

...but hey, when you're twenty-two, it's hard to forgive nearly a decade of abuse that the man who put though it only realised he was wrong when you cut him off for four years. I respected his apology, but it was too little, too late for forgiveness. And like a grown man, for the first time in his life, he said he could live with that, he just wanted me to know HE was the screw-up and he knew that now.

He died a few months after that and while I regret nothing, I realise that HE never grew up until he already stopped being my parent. Parents who beat their children are still very much children themselves who occasionally just need a good scare to grow the fuck up, but sometimes they never do. This is in no way an excuse for their bad behavior, but anoter explaination of how the disease manifests, and child-abuse is as much of a mental disease as self-abuse (be it "cutting", anorexia nervosa, alcoholism, drug addiction or something else).

Considering how you've grown up, it's pretty normal to react to things the way you describe, even things that aren't your fault. It's not right, it's normal.

LoraLie, I wish you the best of luck in this, and I think you'll have it in the end cos at least the character you've shown here tells me that you've grown up more than your father has in many ways. Granted, I think it's kind of sad that you feel the need to do this on a message board, which makes me think that you don't have any close-enough friends to hide out with and talk about this to, but at least you realise that it's wrong, and you're feeling bad for stuff that ISN'T your fault (most definately because you've had anger taken out on you for so long, anger that wasn't your fault in any way).

[Buster Friendly]

DeathKnight-what i think you're forgetting is that YSR owes us an introduction thread.

it makes righteous indignation easier to stomach.

[YoungSoulRebel]

DeathKnight-what i think you're forgetting is that YSR owes us an introduction thread.

it makes righteous indignation easier to stomach.

If you really want to know about me, there's a link to my webshite. Follow. Read.

I'm not here to spoon-feed the self-appointed forum police.

[Buster Friendly]

no i don't really want to know about you, however here's a link for you
http://www.blueblood.net/boards/showthread.php?t=298 Follow. Read.

spoon feed us mere mortals, o great, and mighty Triple Nine Bean Society grand poo-bah.

you want to rant at DeathKnight? why the fuck should any of us listen to your childish outbursts? your poppa beat you? aawwww. go ahead, use your triple nine size butt plug necromancy to resurect his scary ass and send him over to give me a beat down.

my pops used to whip up on me too, big fucking deal.

if i seem uncivil, and too dim to reconize your special status as god's favorite little snowflake, i do apologize. you see i didn't read about it in your introduction thread.

[YoungSoulRebel]

Hey! Look! A plonk feature!

[mmmcherry]

Granted, I think it's kind of sad that you feel the need to do this on a message board, which makes me think that you don't have any close-enough friends to hide out with and talk about this to, but at least you realise that it's wrong, and you're feeling bad for stuff that ISN'T your fault (most definately because you've had anger taken out on you for so long, anger that wasn't your fault in any way).

sometimes its alot easier to say stuff like this to online friends when theyre not right in front of you ive found... i dont know why its easier or anything but i found when i was breaking up with my ex (my first boyfriend, first person i really fell in love with, all that shit) it was easier to talk to a friend in ontario about it than it was to talk to any of my real life friends. it was weird, but just more comfortable talking to him... heh...
loralie *SUPER MEGA HUGZZZ* for whenever you need hugs i havent known you for long (what like 3 weeks?) but youre fucking awesome.

[LoraLie]

yeppers. thats pretty much the same for me too.
plus wow.
um, yeah pretty much, i dont really have any friends where i live haha.
well i do of course. but they arent really people i talk to about thngs of this nature. most of my friends live far away. my best friend is like 3 hours away.
my boyfriend is a good 30 minute drive from me.

the only people i see on a daily basis are my family. i mean when im not in school. (like right now)
& when i am in school i stay to myself. i read.

i'm the cool shy loner girl.

[mmmcherry]

sounds like me all thru school.. i would just sit and draw or read the whole time... (hahaa during class... god only knows how i made it thru school...)

[YoungSoulRebel]

yeppers. thats pretty much the same for me too.
plus wow.
um, yeah pretty much, i dont really have any friends where i live haha.
well i do of course. but they arent really people i talk to about thngs of this nature. most of my friends live far away. my best friend is like 3 hours away.
my boyfriend is a good 30 minute drive from me.

the only people i see on a daily basis are my family. i mean when im not in school. (like right now)
& when i am in school i stay to myself. i read.

i'm the cool shy loner girl.

OH. MY. GAWD! You poor girl!

I at least had one friend in high school I kept real close to, but that was before Teh Intarwebz became so commonplace, when dinosaurs roamed the Earth. We didn't do *everything* together, and I read most of the time, but if I ever just needed to talk or bitch or whatever, he was there.

I totally want to take you out for Ben & Jerry's right now. I just feel like everybody needs at least *one* really good friend who can "be there" when times are rough.

[mmmcherry]

I just feel like everybody needs at least *one* really good friend who can "be there" when times are rough.

god thats true yeah... besides my jamie, my best friend that i can say anything to is in australia... and he doesnt come on the internet anymore fuckin miss him...

tho i cant wait for him to come visit me and teach my kid how to be a shit disturber like him like he says hes goin to haha... grr...

[TheDeathKnight]

Hey, no need for anyone to have any fits about message board debates...

It's usually a "can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen" kind of scenario...

I don't need an introduction to debate stuff with someone.
Although the back story does help explain the viewpoint.

My point about idiot parents, is not just about abusers.
It's also about just generally lame parents and family members.
There are a lot of people out there who do not know what the
hell they are doing, and fuck up the people around them, because
they are immature, uneducated, etc...

The best thing you can do, is get the fuck out, learn as much as you can,
be the best person you can, and try to find people who are kind, smart,
decent people, to hang out with. Make them your family.

Unless you make the same mistakes, and end up with abusive friends
and relationships, chances are, you will be able to find nicer people
to hang out with, live with, and be friends with, than your own lame
family... You just have to be very strong, and very clear, with
all the people in your life, that you will not accept abuse.
You can disagree with someone. You can fight.
But don't accept abuse. Life should not be that way.
Just because you grew up with it, does not mean that
is the way the rest of your life has to be...

People *can* indeed disagree, and TALK.
And come to a compromise, make up, hug, and all is well.
Relationships and friendships do not need to be a battle.
The problem is too many people are used to abuse, that
they abuse other people, because it's the only way they
know how to deal with things.

[LoraLie]

well this is gonna sound great but my parents are sort of the big reason i dont have many friends.
they are really picky about letting me to places. & who i go places with
yeah, i may be 18 but tthey have the rule of you live under my roof blah blah of course. so they can decide that for me.
& since i dont really get out often, i dont meet people anyway. so i just sort of sit here.
the internet is freedom for me i guess. i'm cool

plus the whole not having a car thing has an affect on it & age. cause my brother (he's 20) hangs out with whoever he pleases mainly because he has, well had a car. & could go as he pleased.

plus my parents have flat out told me already. he is allowed more freedom because he is a boy.
i'm held hostage because i have a vagina.

haha they sound like nut jobs but they do have their good points. well my mother does. just very VERY VERY old fashioned

[mmmcherry]

he is allowed more freedom because he is a boy.
i'm held hostage because i have a vagina.

that i never understood... i noticed that a little bit with my own family, my brother would come home late and just be told basically "why are you home so late? dont do it again" when i come home late and i get freaked out on. wtf...
boys can go out and do more damage than girls sometimes... most girls i know wont go out and set shit on fire or start fights with people just for fun or whatever, but alot of guys i know will go out and do that just because theyre bored :S (which i also didnt understand honestly...)
but yeah... gha... i dont get it.
i guess ill learn eventually having a kid in 3 and a half months heh... who knows.

[TheDeathKnight]

Well, look at freedom as a motivator to get your own life together, make some money, get a car, get a job, get an appartment, and get out of there...

[kellie]

I grew up in the south, mostly with my grandma, and I got spanked A LOT. I have always looked at it as being normal punishment until recently. My husband is from Norway, and he has a terror for a nephew. His nephew acted out seriously once, and I made a comment like " I would not have been able to sit for days if that was me" and I got chewed the fuck out for it. They would never dream of hitting their children in a million years, and I sure was the bad guy for suggesting it.
So if my husband and I have children, I guess they will not be getting a spanking ever. I will have to warn my family to not hit them if they ever spend time alone with them.

Your situation though, fuck that. I would call the cops on my dad if he hit me now.

[Buster Friendly]

it's one thing to repremand small children with spankings, or to give a quick swat, or use physical restraint if the situation is dire (ie. physical danger, etc.) but an 18 year old girl is something else yet again. misplaced aggression is never nice.

[Mr Karl]

yeah, well even so, I still turned out to be fucked up because they were determined to not be anything like thier own abusive asshole parents. they knew what not to do, but they didn't have any sense of the right things to do. the fact that they were even able to figure out the part that i just told you was the one svaing grace that enabled me to be introspective enough to figure out how to deal with life eventually.. but that's a whole'nother wale tale.

exactly the way I see it from where I'm standing too

[Pull~My~Hair]

yeah thats pretty fucked up..I rarely spank Kaden and only if he is doing something that could hurt him, I dont think you should spank a child to hurt them, it should just hurt their feelings. I was flipping channels yesterday and there was this couple on dr.phil that beat the shit out of their kids, kicked them with steel toed boots, and beat them with a huge stick and all kindsa fucked up shit, the lady said she was afraid that she was seriously gonna kill one of them..so what do they do? offer them free counsiling, and record them beating the shit out of their kids. But they dont fucking call the cops? I got beat when I was little..it did nothing but cause a huge rift amd make me afraid of my parents. It shows weakness and lack of parenting skills..id like to tell your dad that.

[YoungSoulRebel]

yeah thats pretty fucked up..I rarely spank Kaden and only if he is doing something that could hurt him, I dont think you should spank a child to hurt them, it should just hurt their feelings. I was flipping channels yesterday and there was this couple on dr.phil that beat the shit out of their kids, kicked them with steel toed boots, and beat them with a huge stick and all kindsa fucked up shit, the lady said she was afraid that she was seriously gonna kill one of them..so what do they do? offer them free counsiling, and record them beating the shit out of their kids. But they dont fucking call the cops? I got beat when I was little..it did nothing but cause a huge rift amd make me afraid of my parents. It shows weakness and lack of parenting skills..id like to tell your dad that.

Oh, it's definately weakness.

Notice how rarely people who beat their kids get in fights with other adults. Shit, some even avoid physical confrontations with people their own age and size (which, for them, has the added bonus of letting them get away with beating their kids cos nobody wants to believe those people can possibly be violent).

It doesn't take much physical strength, or strength of character, to beat a small child or even a teen who's been conditioned into accepting that as "normal" (or at least what passes as "normal" for them).

Only cowards hit their children, cos when it all boils down, children are not menacing and, to a normal, healthy adult, pose no physical threat. A "grown up" adult realises that. Child abusers are mentally still children, so of course they're going to go to irrational lengths to abuse the authority they have in that kid's life.

[LoraLie]

Notice how rarely people who beat their kids get in fights with other adults. Shit, some even avoid physical confrontations with people their own age and size (which, for them, has the added bonus of letting them get away with beating their kids cos nobody wants to believe those people can possibly be violent).

i finally did tell my boyfriend awhile back. about one of me & my dads fights. & he was just like "he seems like such a nice guy"

he is the deacon in the church he goes to. leads song services. never drinks. doesnt really curse.
he seems like a good guy

he just goes ick from time to time.

[YoungSoulRebel]

i finally did tell my boyfriend awhile back. about one of me & my dads fights. & he was just like "he seems like such a nice guy"

he is the deacon in the church he goes to. leads song services. never drinks. doesnt really curse.
he seems like a good guy

he just goes ick from time to time.

My father re-married a Quaker woman (my step-mother), and Quakers in general are notoriously pacifist, and he ran the Monday night AA Big Book meeting. He was also a Catholic who attended mass twice a week and went to meeting house with his wife.

Hell, for a while, the only people who believed me that my dad was beating me, well, not counting my half-sister in London (my mom's kid) who kept me during summers, was the youth group pastor and his wife at the Quaker church, but they couldn't do anything about it.