Have You Ever Hurt Yourself On Purpose?

[Scar]

This may be delving too much into your personal lives, but if you care to share, I am curious......

I used to be 'a cutter'. I haven't cut myself in almost 6 years. I still sometimes get the impulse when I am angry about someting I can't change, but I don't do it for a number of reasons (it's unhealthy, it upsets my loved one's, I have closed that chapter of my life.....etc...) I identify strongly with that time of my life but I don't care to revisit it. Sometimes when I remember it I can't even believe it was me!! Sometimes it seems like yesterday.

Are there ways you hae punished yourself in times of dismay????

[Xochitl]

I like to psychologically torture myself but that is about it. Rarely drink, don't do drugs, don't compulsively eat. However, I do find the craziest people & situations & put myself right in the middle of them. Anyone nice or mellow just gets to sort of be in my life. I know why but just can't stop myself.

[Thistle Harlequin]

sometimes i jack off too many times a day that my dick gets sore... but i'm still sooo damn horny even if it hurts to j/o i still do it!!! and then it's sore for a few days but it doesnt matter

does that count??

[Anarkey]

ya as i said before sometimes i would get depressed and burn my self with cigg's r a cigar ,just to see if i was still alive ,,depression sucks ,maybe TH is right ,i should Wack off ,more lol . i stoped all that burnin bout 7 or 8 yrs ago tho ,, didnt do it very offen but 10 r 15 times ..

[One Eyed Cat]

Physical pain can sometimes temporarily alleviate emotional pain. I don't think people completely understand the dynamics of self-mutilation. It can be self-punishment. It can be a sort of erotic masochism (phrased poorly). It can alleviate a feeling of numbness. For others, it is a massive adrenaline rush that alleviates all emotional pain and sets you on fire.

Anyways, you know my answer. I just think the whole thing gets oversimplified too much.

OEC

[Velvet-Tongue]

For a month or so. I felt very numb and depressed and it made me feel better.

[Black Spiral Dancer]

I do remember going to a club night where my ex-girlfriend was going to turn up later. I wore a german army shirt. Knowing she had an extreme aversion to Wolves and Werewolves (Goth knows why she was with me?), I wore my brand new Alchemy Gothic "Were-Metal" t-shirt, keeping the shirt buttoned. Only when she turned up, and sat down facing me did I unbutton the shirt, and purposefully faced her. She couldn't look at me all night, even if she had wanted to.
At the end of the night, she said 3 words to me, "Where's my bag?" My response was word, "There!" pointing to it. She snatched it up and left in a hurry.
I probably should have felt guilty, but after being strung along for 7 weeks thinking she was just having time to think and finding out from a mutual friend that she had been back with her ex, so feel no remorse even after all this time (about 10 years!)

[Scar]

sometimes i jack off too many times a day that my dick gets sore... but i'm still sooo damn horny even if it hurts to j/o i still do it!!! and then it's sore for a few days but it doesnt matter

does that count??

er..... lube???

[Scar]

Physical pain can sometimes temporarily alleviate emotional pain. I don't think people completely understand the dynamics of self-mutilation. It can be self-punishment. It can be a sort of erotic masochism (phrased poorly). It can alleviate a feeling of numbness. For others, it is a massive adrenaline rush that alleviates all emotional pain and sets you on fire.

Anyways, you know my answer. I just think the whole thing gets oversimplified too much.

OEC

I think that when you are experiencing physical pain you forget about the emotional pain.

For me I'd be like 'oh fuck my arm is bleeding!' instead of "oh the deep darkness of the rainy world of sadness in which I live pity me pity me...oh my goth'

I actually spoke to both my mom and little brother last week and told them I realized recently I am totally manic depressive. I used to think it was life that was getting me down but now that life is good I relaize it's just chemical imbalance. My mom said she has struggled with it her whole life and my brother who is 24 said he recently realized he suffered from it as well.

[One Eyed Cat]

I think that when you are experiencing physical pain you forget about the emotional pain.

For me I'd be like 'oh fuck my arm is bleeding!' instead of "oh the deep darkness of the rainy world of sadness in which I live pity me pity me...oh my goth'

I actually spoke to both my mom and little brother last week and told them I realized recently I am totally manic depressive. I used to think it was life that was getting me down but now that life is good I relaize it's just chemical imbalance. My mom said she has struggled with it her whole life and my brother who is 24 said he recently realized he suffered from it as well.

I have Meniere's Disease. It's an inner ear disorder which affects my balance and equilibrium. My life's history is that of a manic-depressive, but I think the underlying illness is what caused it. I was diagnosed with it at one time. I was checked recently. The functioning of my right inner ear is basically non-existent. You can't tell from meeting me though. I do take meds etc.How bad is it? Like how long are the highs and lows?

OEC

[Nudemuse]

I tried self injury a few times when I was younger however it never really provided me with anything. I didn't really care.

However I have used pain in a ritual manner a few times to end some serious insanity while I was mourning the death of my best friend. I also have done some ritual scarification at other seriously traumatic times and it served it's purpose.

[shiki]

unfortunately I have been known to slice myself up. I hadn't done it for several years but then some things happened in my life and I was so upset and pissed off and I wanted to destroy everything. I destroyed one of my favorite paintings and then I sliced my arms and stomach up. Much worse than anything I did when I was a kid but I lost my fuckin mind. For me its not so much the pain cuz when im in that state of mind it really doesn't hurt. I'm just so pissed of and distraught that I have to break shit, want to burn down the world...but I know I can't do that so I turn it on myself.
It sucks. I'm all covered with scars now. And when I've reached states of agitation like that the impulse does return. I really try not to flip out like that, or get that upset (thank god for ativan) but sometimes my mood will just change like someone flipped a switch and I've lost my shit before I even knew what happened.
and yes, I am a crazy person.

[EasyRider]

I hurt other people. But it's usually some asshat whose attitude needs tuning up anyway.

[a_small_death]

Ritual Scaring is the furthest I've gone

[Nightingale]

There are enough people out there wanting to hurt me - physically or mentally - and I do it enough accidentally, where's the time to hurt myself on purpose?

[bohoki]

some times i grab a handfull of ball pubes and rip them out really fast

[Velvet-Tongue]

AUGhhhshhs

[Black Spiral Dancer]

I have cut myself when I was younger. (Tried to carve a pentgram into my left palm; the whole werewolf thing) I also have a scar from an ex-girlfriend that grabbed a piece of glass in a pub and slowly dragged it down my right arm, to see if I would flinch or pull my arm away. I didn't obviously. (This was the Psycho Girlfriend that stalked me!)

[poison]

i self-harmed when i was 13 until i was 18 (i'm 20 now), and subsequently have scars on both my arms.

i was diagnosed as depressed at 13 and went for counselling, so it annoys me when anyone says i did it for attention, i understand that i did it as a release of emotion because i was terrified of letting it go too far and ending in a panic attack and vomiting (which it usually did).

[seeker]

I did in my late teens for the pleasure of the pain but stopped after my parents sent me to a psychiatrist. Later I found the erotic pain in BDSM, a pleasure I still partake in.

[badkittyamy]

I never have and I wonder if it depends on cultures and societies. Before starting college in america i had never met anyone who was bi-polar, cut themselves etc. Almost everyone I know has one thing or the other in America. I hate pain so I could never bring myself to do it, though I wonder how many masochists have parents who think they have a cutting problem.

I had a few friends who used to but from what I know none of them do anymore. The only thing I've experienced anything like that whatsoever in a current incarnation are friends i have that are into sadism and masochism and do needle and scalpel play amoung other thing, but that to me is a different thing almost entirely because it's pain for pleasure versus a way to try and ease pain or punish oneself

[the_darkness_calls]

used to cut for a hellish period of a couple of years. don't do it anymore, for pretty much the reasons Scar said.

On a side note, i know someone who used to do it simply because he was fascinated by blood.

[StolenName]

Never have and can't see myself doing it. I've hit walls hard and put out knuckles when in a lot of anger, but then I learnt to kick the shit out of a a pillow instead. Not QUITE as satisfying but much less painful.

I tend to keep myself out of situations that lead me to feel the need to cut, however I get extremely lonely and down on the occassion, which leads me to lay in bed for a while and deal with it by crying - doesn't happen often but sometimes I need that emotional release.

I never liked the idea of having scars either.

[StolenName]

used to cut for a hellish period of a couple of years. don't do it anymore, for pretty much the reasons Scar said.

On a side note, i know someone who used to do it simply because he was fascinated by blood.

Come to think of it, I have cut myself with various objects to see if they would make me bleed, like pen tips, rulers etc. Mainly stuff at school when I was bored, so I guess I lied, however I've never cut for any of the reasons such as needing to cope or forget something.

[OrganizedKhaos]

I still have impulses, sometimes they can be overwhelming to counter. And what makes it so hard is that I DONT want do hurt myself, BUT I DO want to as well.

A little consentual bedroom pain play is a good outlet, but sometimes I get overwhelmed ... for whatever reason.... and delaying for a healthy outlet doesnt appeal to me.
I used to hurt myself in my teens, or I'd provoke someone else to hit me... fights etc...
But once I met my husband, I couldnt hurt myself , because of the pain that it would inflict on him.... and that made me look at myself differently. I also took some advice from a random therapist (not one I'd seen) but they said for me to take a pic of me as a kid, (or think of one) and anytime I wanted to hurt myself, to picture my kid pic ... could I inflict what I wanted to do to myself to *that* child, and that i should see MYSELF in my present state as THAT child, one that was deserving of love, and whatever I was searching for.

Growing up, I was told if you aint bleeding you aint hurt.
I was hurting, and no one could see it.
But, at the time of the cutting/pain of whatever sort, it was a distraction.
And it seemed to make the inner pain make sense, or go away for some time.

I often get the urge to pull my hair, head butt a wall, punch something, scratch myself or bite.
But I resist.
(but I'm not at all claiming to be impervious)

[Raven0129]

I rip out my hangnails instead of cutting them, it gets to the root of the problem. That's about all.