Dealing with grey

[Velvet-Tongue]

Not the color just the mind frame.

Since I started college my entire mind frame has passed through little change. I feel disconnected from reality and people. Once in awhile this grey-state of mind is shocked awake and I feel genuinelly happy and content. My social life exists but I feel so fake participating in it. Almost everything I do involves engaging in many activies I don't care about.

I don't like to drink all the time, go to parties(well, not normal parties anyway), stay all day at events or more. Yet to have a social life/friends etc I feel compelled to do all of it. I hate having to control the way I speak to avoid offending people. I hate having this intense compulsive to learn about everything/gather information and fucking dissect every -single- thing I hear and see untill its meaning, its emotional content and more are sprayed out into my head and made completely dead. I don't know how many times something nice happens to me that I've sat and looked at it from 50 different angles and realize the possibility for it all to be a complex manipulation or filled with secret meanings.

My whole life right now feels like all I'm doing is existing to exist. I have nothing passionate to motivate me, no person to live for or cause I believe in.

With news, politics and the world and my information addiction regarding such things I feel completely powerless to change or influence anyone or anything. My life has no glory or real excitement. I sit up late at night sometimes and almost want to cry sometimes at how meaningless my actions to the world and the people around me ultimately are.

Maybe I'm bringing this on myself (Oh I like to blame myself for everything as well haha) but my life just feels at this point completely useless. There is no big reward looming in the distance, cause to believe in or person to stand with. It's hard for me to say this but my brain feels almost apathetic to life. Everything I do right now seems to have a huge build up. Like a roller coaster climbing up with the track clicking. But when you get to the top instead of the exciting, rewarding drop/spin/roll there is just more flat track leading to another hill.

I guess its just naturally human to want to be seen as useful and for your life to have meaning. Not that I could ever rally behind something like suicide (I'm not brave enough to ever complete it I guess...which is not really a bad thing in retrospect) but I can understand now why some people feel forced to do it.

[Mr Karl]

Maybe college isn't the best occupation for you.

[OrganizedKhaos]

maybe you're just a tortured artist that hasnt fully found your medium....

[VoltaireBlue]

start taking some st. john's wort... you should start seeing results in three weeks, but you have to take it every day, as directed.

[OrganizedKhaos]

Hey, I can support what VoltaireBlue is saying, but give it three weeks or so!!!

it works. I can stand for that one, that and black cohosh.

HOWEVER I cant take that because I'm in my prime and I cant deal with THAT many orgasms!!!!!
It makes me have TOO many!!!

[VoltaireBlue]

DO NOT take black cohosh (or blue or red cohosh for that matter) if you are male cohosh is for women and will release estrogen in males. take damiana for that if you are a guy.

[OliX]

You lack patience Velvet Tounge. Even if you don't express it in your daily life you want things to move faster. Remember, it's just a phase in your life and there's much more too come later.

It might be a biological clock telling you it's time for kids. That can make everything uninteresting. Get a partner, that helps there.

Other than that it sounds a bit like a manic depression. "Not really for suicide, but tired of life". Changing your life style and refurnishing, or simply changing your place a bit and balancing your food might help.

And final and best advice, get yourself a hobby. Something artistic that will release your imagination.

Then again, this is just a phase in your life and as soon as you accomplish some things on your list to do it will feel better. Take time one day and make some plans on paper of what would you like to do in your life... Make more plans so that you have backups just in case

[Mr Karl]

so,........ you feeling better today?

[batzilla]

Maybe you just need to start doing different things and getting to know new people. Do you enjoy what you're studying at college? If not, a change of major might make a huge difference. When it comes to extracurricular stuff, pick something you either know you like but haven't done recently or that you've always been interested in and give it a try... go to a poetry night or a biking club outing or a bondage party or a yoga class or a medieval/fantasy-themed padded weapons combat event. Try a new artistic pursuit. Meaningful, resonant activies are out there, but they won't find you, you have to find them.

Above all, let yourself be yourself. By acting like someone you're not, you're denying people the chance to get to know the real you and making yourself miserable at the same time. Censoring yourself in a professional situation is one thing, but you should never have to pretend to be someone you're not around people who are supposed to be your friends. It'd be better to have just a couple of people with whom you can really relax than to have a ton of "friends" who don't get you at all. You should never be putting yourself in situations that don't feel right or doing things you don't enjoy for the sake of maintaining relationships, especially ones that don't sound fulfilling to begin with.

Good luck, man!

[Mr Karl]

[QUOTE=Velvet-Tongue]

I hate having to control the way I speak to avoid offending people.QUOTE]


don't we all............at least your the one controling you

[Bacchus88]

Not the color just the mind frame.

Since I started college my entire mind frame has passed through little change. I feel disconnected from reality and people. Once in awhile this grey-state of mind is shocked awake and I feel genuinelly happy and content. My social life exists but I feel so fake participating in it. Almost everything I do involves engaging in many activies I don't care about.

I don't like to drink all the time, go to parties(well, not normal parties anyway), stay all day at events or more. Yet to have a social life/friends etc I feel compelled to do all of it. I hate having to control the way I speak to avoid offending people. I hate having this intense compulsive to learn about everything/gather information and fucking dissect every -single- thing I hear and see untill its meaning, its emotional content and more are sprayed out into my head and made completely dead. I don't know how many times something nice happens to me that I've sat and looked at it from 50 different angles and realize the possibility for it all to be a complex manipulation or filled with secret meanings.

My whole life right now feels like all I'm doing is existing to exist. I have nothing passionate to motivate me, no person to live for or cause I believe in.

With news, politics and the world and my information addiction regarding such things I feel completely powerless to change or influence anyone or anything. My life has no glory or real excitement. I sit up late at night sometimes and almost want to cry sometimes at how meaningless my actions to the world and the people around me ultimately are.

Maybe I'm bringing this on myself (Oh I like to blame myself for everything as well haha) but my life just feels at this point completely useless. There is no big reward looming in the distance, cause to believe in or person to stand with. It's hard for me to say this but my brain feels almost apathetic to life. Everything I do right now seems to have a huge build up. Like a roller coaster climbing up with the track clicking. But when you get to the top instead of the exciting, rewarding drop/spin/roll there is just more flat track leading to another hill.

I guess its just naturally human to want to be seen as useful and for your life to have meaning. Not that I could ever rally behind something like suicide (I'm not brave enough to ever complete it I guess...which is not really a bad thing in retrospect) but I can understand now why some people feel forced to do it.

it is always your choice to change what is going around you. Humans have that choice for themselves. I went through what you are felling back in feb., got to get back on the horse move on. I didnt go to college I choice not to, I fallowed in my fathers foot step.Becoming 4th gene small business owner... A few month ago I was wondering much as you are now. Did make the right choice? ect...

I had to reflect on the good points, that I do what I want. This company is mine, its my choice to make it or not. its your or my to choice to change anything around use. If want to make change then go out, do something small..

Who cares what other think you are unique individual, your words are your own. Speak those words with pride . Your never powerless every action you do changes something that might be unseen yet seen only time will tell.

[Velvet-Tongue]

Thanks guys,

I appreciate what you all wrote and your ideas. Life recently has been really confusing and weird but as OliX said I'm probably not being very patient. Alot of big things are occuring all around me since I moved and growing up can be rather scary. Makes you remember when you were younger and your biggest problem was missing a tv show. Now you got jobs to look out for, social circles to take care of, lots of work both academic and money producing and more.

Guess the main point is I need to deal with growing up. My high levels of ambition don't always match with reality. The dark specter of jealousy never ceases to amaze me either. Not having mental security with a steady job, steady friends or a steady lover drives me crazy, pretty much literally sometimes because I have no concrete foundation to fall back on. I'd call myself a bitch at times because my biggest pleassure comes out of helping others or making my lover happy. Without that concrete foundation or mental security. My confidence is low in certain areas and such things make it worse. I've had people call me clingy sometimes and I can understand that. Not having the security of a clean/free mind lets all kinds of anxiety in that can create demons were nothing really existed.

Ahh, this is becoming a whine and bitch post about problems everyone has really in one form or another so I'll stop before more embarissment.

You're all pretty cool people and it makes me happy to see what you can learn from putting yourself waist deep in a new culture. Hope you all have a good night.