Sexual Chemistry- Organic or Created?

[Janiac02]

We can have very intense sexual chemistry with people who we are simply not compatible with in the sense of a relationship. We can't make a relationship like that work.
How about when the opposite is true? For couples who have what they feel is an ideal connection but the sex is average at best how possible is it to transform the situation?

[VoltaireBlue]

very possible if both people are willing to work together towards the same goal.

[Bikerpunk]

You can have better sex with someone by reading up on stuff, being honest with each other about your wants, good experimentation, etc.

But "sexual chemistry" is organic. And weirdly enough changes with birth control or without.

[Janiac02]

You can have better sex with someone by reading up on stuff, being honest with each other about your wants, good experimentation, etc.

But "sexual chemistry" is organic. And weirdly enough changes with birth control or without.

That is pretty much my take on it as well. We can learn how to give other people what they want (and vice versa, of course), but while the sex can still be pretty fantastic, it isn't quite the same as doing what comes naturally.

As for birth control changing that, a few things came to mind that I thought might apply, but I was wondering what you meant specifically?
For example
-a couple that is trying to conceive will most likely be having completely unprotected sex for the first time, and I hear that makes for a different experience (a mostly mental change)
- If referring to the use of a hormonal birth control method it can potentially make using condoms unnecessary (perhaps in a monogamous relationship anyhow) so there isn't that interruption, or change in feeling and friction
-hormones do all kinds of things to our bodies physically and emotionally- maybe that plays some part?

[Bikerpunk]

Hormonal birth control. It changes what a woman "smells" about a man.

Which is something recent research is looking into in terms of why marriages break up. She "thinks" she's "compatible" with the guy when on the pill, then when she gets off it to get knocked up, she can't think of what she ever saw in him.

[Janiac02]

That's an interesting concept. So far In long term relationships I've only noticed myself being slightly more rational toward the boyfriend than usual when I get off birth control. Obviously this is not something you'd be concious of though. I'd like to see how the research pans out.

[VoltaireBlue]

Hormonal birth control. It changes what a woman "smells" about a man.

Which is something recent research is looking into in terms of why marriages break up. She "thinks" she's "compatible" with the guy when on the pill, then when she gets off it to get knocked up, she can't think of what she ever saw in him.

I disagree with this highly, as I have personal experience to back it up.

[VoltaireBlue]

also, I think organic sexual chemistry can dissappear eventually (for a female, anyway) if her needs are not met emotionally with said person. I have first hand experience with this as well.

[Janiac02]

also, I think organic sexual chemistry can dissappear eventually (for a female, anyway) if her needs are not met emotionally with said person. I have first hand experience with this as well.

Ditto! I think emotions and sex are very connected for some men as well. I've completely lost my sex drive when I was unhappy in a relationship.

As for the birth control thing... I don't know if I agree with it, but am interested to see what a (legitimate) scientific study would come up with on the subject. If anything.

[Mr Karl]

getting back to your original question of the 'sex being average at best'......is that felt by both parties or just one

[Janiac02]

getting back to your original question of the 'sex being average at best'......is that felt by both parties or just one

I guess I always figured if one party wasn't blown away by the sex the feeling was probably mutual. I suppose it could go either way though, now that you mention it.

[Cafe_Post_Mortem]

If I can learn to love lima beans, I can retrain a lot of interests. On an entirely shallow level, doing things helps. A girl who at first glance offers little chemistry becomes more interesting sexually if she can dance, play bass, ride motorcycles or any other odd thing that can enrapture me. the brain (and therefore sexual chemistry) can be manipulated and altered in all manner of ways.

[Janiac02]

That's very true, we can purposefully do things to interest and attract others, and entertain their sexual whims and desires. Aside from the turn on of knowing someone is enjoying what you're doing to or for them do you think that one could adopt that desire as their own over time? I suppose it would most likely be more enjoyable than say... learning to love brussel sprouts. Or lima beans . Maybe not as healthy.

[Bikerpunk]

I disagree with this highly, as I have personal experience to back it up.

Well, you have more experience at this than me, I can only go by what a scholarly journal was looking into.
Of course, I didn't get to the end of the story (the research was in progress) so I've no idea what they eventually determined.

[Bikerpunk]

Ditto! I think emotions and sex are very connected for some men as well. I've completely lost my sex drive when I was unhappy in a relationship.

As for the birth control thing... I don't know if I agree with it, but am interested to see what a (legitimate) scientific study would come up with on the subject. If anything.

For guys it goes one further. If you're emotionally not there with her, it can affect the actual ability of a guy to have sex. One of the things erection docs look for/ask is emotional issues, assuming the guy's in good general health. Sadly, a lot of guys with erection problems have them with the woman they married... not otherwise....

[Raza]

We can have very intense sexual chemistry with people who we are simply not compatible with in the sense of a relationship. We can't make a relationship like that work.

You can have a working relationship on just sexual chemistry... just not a romantic one. I think it's unfortunate how many people are inclined to reject a good thing, just because our culture encourages people to accept it only in one format.

How about when the opposite is true? For couples who have what they feel is an ideal connection but the sex is average at best how possible is it to transform the situation?

S'very possible. Voltaire got it right in saying that the first thing you need to do is agree on a shared purpose; a lot of people suffer from the (I would say traumatic) inhibitions acquired throughout a lifetime in a culture where expressing sexual interests is mostly frowned upon, and actual sexual behaviour is viewed as acceptable only under a very narrow range of conditions. Letting yourself go when the time is right can take effort and validation... you have to set out with your lover's pleasure as your objective and no negative prejudices, and let them know this.

Encourage each other to share fantasies and act on sexual impulses, establishing that wanting something sexually requires no justification but itself, that any enjoyable thought is something valuable to be cherished and nurtured. And of course, live up to that, being accepting and preferably enthusiastic about anything they do share, even if it's not something you find immediately appealing yourself. Repulsions have no place in good sex... it's ok to have them, but express them only as far as you have to to remain comfortable, and keep giving yourself the chance to get over them. Getting properly horny helps a lot with this, but remind yourself even when you 'sober up' from those moods that everything you did or said was valuable and positive.

That's the psychological part. For the physical, a lot of it comes down to acquired skill and a bit of physical fitness. Don't give up on positions because they're tiring - muscles will build for any task you give them, more quickly than you'd think. Read up on tricks and theory - loads of this exists out on the internet - and try them out in between more familiar approaches, paying attention to your lover's responses. Practise alone can grow into repetition and theory alone can be difficult to place in a real-life context, but balancing the two will net continuously improving results. Obviously, this requires that neither of you fakes responses, but be as generous with genuine positive feedback as reality permits.

[Janiac02]

You can have a working relationship on just sexual chemistry... just not a romantic one. I think it's unfortunate how many people are inclined to reject a good thing, just because our culture encourages people to accept it only in one format.

By this do you mean something akin to "friends with benefits"? That happens to be my current state of relationship, but as neither of us intends it to go any farther and we aren't exclusive by any means, I'm pretty reluctant to give it any sort of label. Anyway, if that's the type of relationship you are referring to I think it is likely that people don't even consider definining it.
As you mentioned we are culturally conditioned to believe our partners should be so many things to us. We expect the sex to be great, that they ought to be our best friend, enjoy all the same things we do, while constantly thinking of spontaneous romantic things to do. It's asking a lot for everything to be fairytale-like, and yet it is pretty common to reject someone who doesn't meet all of our criteria.

As for the rest of what you've said- while it might not apply to things happening right now in my life, I can definitely think of past situations your advice would've helped out in, and it is something I'm sureI will keep it in mind for the future.

[Raza]

By this do you mean something akin to "friends with benefits"? That happens to be my current state of relationship, but as neither of us intends it to go any farther and we aren't exclusive by any means, I'm pretty reluctant to give it any sort of label. Anyway, if that's the type of relationship you are referring to I think it is likely that people don't even consider definining it.

I'm a big proponent of not defining your relationships. It helps in letting good things be good things in their own right while avoiding the trappings of cultural expectations. It takes a positive mindset and some confidence to be able to just take things as they come, though; sounds like you have a good thing going.

[incog]

You can have a working relationship on just sexual chemistry... just not a romantic one. I think it's unfortunate how many people are inclined to reject a good thing, just because our culture encourages people to accept it only in one format.


S'very possible. Voltaire got it right in saying that the first thing you need to do is agree on a shared purpose; a lot of people suffer from the (I would say traumatic) inhibitions acquired throughout a lifetime in a culture where expressing sexual interests is mostly frowned upon, and actual sexual behaviour is viewed as acceptable only under a very narrow range of conditions. Letting yourself go when the time is right can take effort and validation... you have to set out with your lover's pleasure as your objective and no negative prejudices, and let them know this.

Encourage each other to share fantasies and act on sexual impulses, establishing that wanting something sexually requires no justification but itself, that any enjoyable thought is something valuable to be cherished and nurtured. And of course, live up to that, being accepting and preferably enthusiastic about anything they do share, even if it's not something you find immediately appealing yourself. Repulsions have no place in good sex... it's ok to have them, but express them only as far as you have to to remain comfortable, and keep giving yourself the chance to get over them. Getting properly horny helps a lot with this, but remind yourself even when you 'sober up' from those moods that everything you did or said was valuable and positive.

That's the psychological part. For the physical, a lot of it comes down to acquired skill and a bit of physical fitness. Don't give up on positions because they're tiring - muscles will build for any task you give them, more quickly than you'd think. Read up on tricks and theory - loads of this exists out on the internet - and try them out in between more familiar approaches, paying attention to your lover's responses. Practise alone can grow into repetition and theory alone can be difficult to place in a real-life context, but balancing the two will net continuously improving results. Obviously, this requires that neither of you fakes responses, but be as generous with genuine positive feedback as reality permits.

Right on. Good advice.

[TheDeathKnight]

To answer the original question:

I have had a couple of relationships on both extremes.
Where the sexual chemistry/attraction is awesome, but you don't get along at all.
Or where the relationship itself was really good, but the sex wasn't great.

I think both things can be worked on. But in general, people don't want to *work* on changing themselves.
I think you need to evaluate if what the person is doing is ok, or if it's not ok. Or if what you are doing is normal, or abnormal.

Let's say the person you are with, has an awesome personality, but they hate sex. Well, hating sex is "abnormal".
So I'd say it would be their job to work on changing their attitudes and working on their issues.

But let's say you both get along, but you need and want them to be abusive sexually, for you to get off.
In that case, you are the one with the "abnormal" needs, and they shouldn't be expected to become
something they are not, just to satisfy what you need. Even if they do it, it will be fake.

That's where the whole chemistry comes in.

Ideally, if you want someone dominant, you don't want to be with a "nice guy", because he won't
be naturally capable of being truly mean or dominant. Or if you want someone sweet and sensitive,
don't complain when they won't tie you up, etc. I think the majority of the conflict in many relationships
comes because what turns us on, is often the kind of wild personality that doesn't always make for
a stable and comfortable relationship.

You can work on anything and make it better. But the bottom line is that people don't usually
change, so you need to make good decisions about who you want to be with.

[Mr Karl]

Now that I've had time to think about it I'll have to say I don't know.............I guess it depends on how much you like the other person wether it'll work or not

[a_small_death]

I gotta say both. The organic chemistry hit's you like a aa-12. The work is where the created chemistry forms. Created Chemistry I've thought of as evolution and continuation. Working at it and growing as a couple and learning to function as such. Voltaire, I think the emotional needs door can and does swing both way, though Most guys you'll never see wanna admit it openly.