awful movies

[Spaceman Spiff]

Everyone has seen at least one movie that is worse than all the others they've seen. What's on your worst movie list?

The worst movie I have ever seen, the one I use to judge all others, is Holy Smoke. If you haven't seen it don't bother, it was just awful. I can't even explain why it is as bad as it is, its beyond comprehension.
Right down there with it is The Ninth Gate. The more the story progressed the less sense it made. At the end of the movie, about a third of the theater let out a simultaneous WTF - I wish I was joking.
And recently added to the list is Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, for which the complete lack of anything, accept for Tim Burton's pizzaz, enraged me to no end. They might as well have called it Charlie and the one-line marketable catch-phrase factory. Sorry but my analogical cortex is on the fritz. Willy Wanka and the Chocolate Factory was an awesome movie and would be ashamed to be in any way linked to this movie.

side note: why are awesome and awful spelled differently?

[Spaceman Spiff]

I should add, if you liked any of these movies and would like to explane to me why they're not as bad as I think they are, my mind is subject to change.

[Morning Glory]

just a few here.. I can't remember most of the shitty movies i've seen, i've blocked them from the mind...

the single worst movie i've ever seen is House of the Dead.

second to that was alone in the dark. I went and saw that movie and I was like what the fuck is that? then about five minutes later the movie ended, and I realized I was in the wrong theater. so I went to the right theater and watched the movie from the begging, and it still didn't make any more sense!

another terrible movie is Bram Stoker's Dracula. Anthony Hopkins being a badass was the only thing that saved that movie. everything else about it was bad. and it also has keanu reeves, the worst actor in history. and i'm doing him far too great of a compliment by calling him an 'actor' since he simply cannot act. period.

On par with that movie was Revenge of the Sith.

lastly, while it was overall a good movie, I hated the end of War of The Worlds. that's the stupidest ending ever. it may have worked in the 1800's when people didn't know shit, but it makes absolutley no sense to anyone that can comprehend the idea of logic.

[Morning Glory]

PS. I think freddy got fingered was genius. The title has absolutly nothing to do with the movie, and it has no plot. the difference between this movie and other suckasses is that it was purposely intended to be one of the worst movies ever made.that's why it was awesome. as opposed to all the crapfests which some assholes actually thought would be good, and that's what makes them suck even more.

[Spaceman Spiff]

the single worst movie i've ever seen is House of the Dead.

You never can get to much out of those movies based on videogames. There is just something that doesn't transfer very well... oh yeah... the plot

[cheshire centauri]

um...the thing is, very bad movies are often remarkably funny for all the wrong reasons. If i see a bad movie i at least expect low production values, bad acting, bad dubbing, bad stunts and nudity.
I'm thinking of the ninja films which came out of the Philippines in the 80s and all those other 80s action movies with car chases and bad one liners.

BUT there are some movies which are just bad. As in bad - bad. One that springs to mind is Batman and Robin. Who's genius idea was it to turn almost every, every fucking piece of dialogue in the film into a disastrous piece of shit joke? Every fucking line...and those fucking costumes...grrrr... I'll say no more.

[Kidthorazine]

Manos the Hands of Fate=worst movie ever in every way imaginable. http://www.i-mockery.com/minimocks/manos/default.php this is a hillarious illustrated play by play written comentary of the movie but in order to grasp the complete awfulness of this movie you have to see it for yourself and also check out the MST 3000 version which i know is available on DVD (the original i had to hunt down on VHS)

[vixta]

'a blade in the dark' - after the scary shit started going down you knew it was the bloke, but in drag. a real shame as the opening shot 'film within a film' looked fantastic (a bunch of kids dare their buddy to retrieve a tennis ball from a crypt, then after he goes down after it a bloodied ball is thrown back out with great force). predictability in horror is lazy and depressing.

'cold fish' - two extreme video artists, a hack desperately trying to make a name for himself, his former junky 'clean for a year' girlfriend, bad acting, awful writing, no passion, would get failed in a university filmaking course... dreadful with nothing to recommend it. holocaust footage through filters does not art make.

'9 songs'- english boy meets american girl, they screw, they go to see a variety of shite bands, they screw, she goes back to america, he goes to the antartic. oh yeah, halfway through they start 'experimenting' with high heeled boots, blindfolds and some of the most tawdry bondage/roleplay i've ever seen in my life, seemingly to show how 'out there' they are. the really galling thing is that it's the first 'non porn' film the bbfc have passed uncut containing penetrative sex and a cum shot, so in that respect it's really important. but again, no passion, just emptiness.

'demons 2' - underacheiver! they could have done so much more with the demon dog 'n' kiddie.

'stigmata'- piece of shit. ooooh, how deep are we? we gave a vacuous hairdresser the stigmata! look at the way the blood drips down her face, perfectly complimenting her cheekbones! it's so philosophical!

i know this will be an unpopular choice... but these are my opinions...

'house of 1000 corpses' - i did not like this at all. it was about as scary as being caressed with a probiotic yoghurt, and i've seen every idea done far better in other films. the 'death ride' was mildly amusing, babys' vaudeville act kinda cool, and i liked the 'alice in wonderland/doll' outfit the one girl wore. but they really are the only things i kinda liked. i was expecting to be shocked, goddamnit! i was expecting a sleepless night! although if it hadn't been overhyped and i picked it up at blockbusters with no expectations then maybe i would have enjoyed it more.

finally...

'cradle of fear' - guess who done dis one? yep, everyones favourite teeny ickle goth (dani filth) plays 'the man'... who is never shown standing next to anyone. there's a sex scene involving him where he isn't actually shown in the same frame as the girly until he's morphed into some wincingly bad demon thang. the acting is laughable, the script sounds like it came out of a fourteen year olds head, and dani filths' single line, well, single word ('father') is delivered terribly. they really should have overdubbed it.

here ends the rant.

[Howrangi]

It would have to be Blue Velvet. even thou a girl is naked in it it SUCKED.

[Ashender Wraithwalker]

"Magnolia" I felt like I wasted 3 hours of my life sitting in front of this movie and being forced to watch it. Nothing about the movie had any redeaming qualities.

"Being John Malkovich" Also another movie I was forced to watch and absolutely hated.

"Van Helsing" Thought it was a conglamoration of BS...don't care if a lot of people liked it, I thought it was complete crap.

I have a lot more, but those are at the top of my list, the last because I was expecting it to be at least decent and it turned out to bore me to tears.

[Zombie_Fatale]

Really hated the "Butterfly Effect".. tired of all those shizophrenics and perverts outthere...

never liked the recwent movie about King Arthur...

was disappointed by "Troy"..

[Toe Cutter]

I'm sorry I know a lot of people LOVED it, but I found Moulin Rouge super lame. The opening sequence was amazing I'll give it that, but after that it made me uncomfortable. I don't know how to discribe the emotion I got, but I was feeling embarrassed watching it.

[Zombie_Fatale]

I got boed watching Moulin Rouge.. somehow I just didn't like it

[Zombie_Fatale]

Romeo and Julliet with Di caprio and Claire Danes made me yawn too

[RobLongshot]

Santa with Muscles.... so bad its wonderful.

[DARKGYM]

Monster man was horrible but good for a laugh. It's like Jeepers Creepers with a monster truck. As far as new release movies go Stealth was just atrocious.

[Vitorro]

Bubba Ho-Tep suxd balls

[keiko]

Water World was great for the first 20 min. After that sucked ass.

Master of Disguise Blew Chunks.

And Santa with Muscles will never die it's so horrid.
K

[Vitorro]

Water World was great for the first 20 min. After that sucked ass.

Master of Disguise Blew Chunks.

And Santa with Muscles will never die it's so horrid.
K

Hulk Hogan in a Santa suit.. I could see that, but what about Mr Nanny in the pink tutu?? Hillarious

[Spaceman Spiff]

Bubba Ho-Tep suxd balls

Does it? I haven't seen it but I'm a Bruce Campbell fan. Does anyone else have any opinions of this movie? Should I bother seeing it? Is it worth my 'precious time'?

[Hypnotic Vampire]

The biggest stinker I've seen in recent memory would have to be Hollywood Homicide...a supposed action comedy that fails to deliver on either, and hits every lame cliche in the book whilst floundering its way to a limp-dick finish.

As for other Blue Blood picks, well, I can see that Morning Glory is a definite connoisseur of quality horror, as he recognises the sign of the Anti-Christ that is Uwe Boll (You will find many kindred souls over at the Fangoria forums ), and I also tend to agree with the comments about House Of 1000 Corpses and Magnolia (although I love Cruise's 'Respect the cock' line ). Van Helsing was just drivel, and it could have been sooo good....too much piss-poor CGI ruined it. Speaking of piss-poor CGI, Anaconda anyone?

Didn't think Cradle of Fear was all that bad...sure it's cheap and a little amateurish in places, and features some horribly overdone sound effects, but on the whole I think it delivers...and Dani Filth has more than one line in it...he beseeches Asteroth before he devours that poor cat's intestines, remember?

As for The Ninth Gate, Spiff, I loved it...a real slow burning supernatural thriller that keeps you guessing and keeps you on the edge of your seat. I can't force you to see it the way I do, but that was my opinion of it. Gripping stuff from start to finish.

[vixta]

Didn't think Cradle of Fear was all that bad...sure it's cheap and a little amateurish in places, and features some horribly overdone sound effects, but on the whole I think it delivers...and Dani Filth has more than one line in it...he beseeches Asteroth before he devours that poor cat's intestines, remember?

fair enuff. i hang my head in shame. i think i'd reached for my whiskey during that bit...

[Spaceman Spiff]

As for The Ninth Gate, Spiff, I loved it...a real slow burning supernatural thriller that keeps you guessing and keeps you on the edge of your seat. I can't force you to see it the way I do, but that was my opinion of it. Gripping stuff from start to finish.

Apparently I'll need to watch it again. I do seem to recall: a bookclub orgy , some lady( who might/not have been human) following Johnny Depp, him having sex with her infront of a buring castle for no reason desernable to me , and for some reason Lusifer signing his artwork LCF as if his name was actually Lou C. Fer or something

However, I will give it another chance to wow me.

[Morning Glory]

yeah it's funny that I've never heard of most of these movies. when you have a movie that's done by an unexperienced cast, with no budget and no production can you really be surprised it sucks? and even then you can't really blame it. as opposed to like Michael Bay movies.. he can pretty much do anything he wants to, so he has no excuse for making bad movies.

[vixta]

yeah it's funny that I've never heard of most of these movies. when you have a movie that's done by an unexperienced cast, with no budget and no production can you really be surprised it sucks? and even then you can't really blame it. as opposed to like Michael Bay movies.. he can pretty much do anything he wants to, so he has no excuse for making bad movies.

i've seen bad movies done by people with the cash to do better, i've seen good movies done on a shoestring. for example, last house on the left, texas chain saw massacre, the blair witch project, night of the living dead, man bites dog, all done by people with no money, their buddies in the lead roles, but a great idea and real passion to get the film made. in fact, passion can make average acting inconsequential, $la$her$, for example, was made on a very low budget and some of the acting is a little shakey. however, the setting of the film and the real spark behind it really sets the film alight. it's an absolute riot for all the reasons the director and writer wanted rather than being in the 'so bad it's good' catergory.

to be honest, there's no better example of the qualities of passion over budget than texas chain saw, an amazing film which spawned a host of dreadful sequals and one of the most pathetic remakes my arse has ever had the misfortune of growing carbuncles through. i'd rather see a low budget film than a hollywood blockbuster, as the low budget one has had to fight to be made, and if someone if willing to put so much of their time and effort into something then i'm always happy to give it a go. the blockbuster has been made for one reason only - to make the studio a big pile o'cash. see how the relatively low budget 'ring' was castrated for mass consumption? case fucking closed.

[Morning Glory]

I totally get that. my point was that you should cut some slack to the low budget guys. but on the other hand I don't think every shitty arthouse movie should be praised just because it's low budget. in my oppinion the ring wasn't anything original, and really the cinematography and decent actors brought into the american version was the only thing that made it worthwhile.
just because ten thousand different japanese guys make ten thousand movies that are exactly the same for the price of one hollywood doesn't make it any less mass consuption, in fact I think it's worse.

ps. blair witch was a fucking joke. it was an entire movie of kids running around yelling with a handicam. Jackass was more inspired.

[Spaceman Spiff]

ps. blair witch was a fucking joke. it was an entire movie of kids running around yelling with a handicam. Jackass was more inspired.

Ha ha ha...*trails off into maniacle laughter*

Incidently, I would agree that low budget or inexperianced movies might fall into the "so bad its good" catagory, but a truely awful movie is one that even money and professionals can't save. I mean look at Waterworld, that was just a giant unsalvagable shipwreck... sorry, I couldn't stop myself

[vixta]

I totally get that. my point was that you should cut some slack to the low budget guys. but on the other hand I don't think every shitty arthouse movie should be praised just because it's low budget. in my oppinion the ring wasn't anything original, and really the cinematography and decent actors brought into the american version was the only thing that made it worthwhile.
just because ten thousand different japanese guys make ten thousand movies that are exactly the same for the price of one hollywood doesn't make it any less mass consuption, in fact I think it's worse.

ps. blair witch was a fucking joke. it was an entire movie of kids running around yelling with a handicam. Jackass was more inspired.

not all arthouse is good, some it's pretentious wank. some low budget films are shit. some of both are good. my point was that i'd rather see a film made because of the passion to make it, but with an unknown director, cast and poor film stock, than a big budget fully cgi-d name director brad pitt/johnny depp/ arnie/stallone/blah blah blah filled shiny hollywood movie made because it'll bring in the millions, and on a film for film basis i've liked more low budget ones than the multi million box office smashes.

[morbid_lady]

The Zodiac Killer was absolutely horrible. It looked like it was filmed by third graders in front of a green screen. It was actually so bad u would have to watch it just to know how bad it was.

[Hypnotic Vampire]

[QUOTE=vixta]i've seen bad movies done by people with the cash to do better, i've seen good movies done on a shoestring. for example, last house on the left, texas chain saw massacre, the blair witch project, night of the living dead, man bites dog, all done by people with no money, their buddies in the lead roles, but a great idea and real passion to get the film made. in fact, passion can make average acting inconsequential, $la$her$, for example, was made on a very low budget and some of the acting is a little shakey. however, the setting of the film and the real spark behind it really sets the film alight. it's an absolute riot for all the reasons the director and writer wanted rather than being in the 'so bad it's good' catergory.

QUOTE]

$LA$HER$ kicks ass...I especially liked the idea about commercial breaks !

The hostess of the show also gave me the horn....

[TheDeathKnight]

I think we have a winner...

[vixta]

$LA$HER$ kicks ass...I especially liked the idea about commercial breaks !

The hostess of the show also gave me the horn....

hmmmm, miho.... especially where she goes on that rant about the stylist ruining her hair.... you can't beat pissed off japanese women...

[Kidthorazine]

Does it? I haven't seen it but I'm a Bruce Campbell fan. Does anyone else have any opinions of this movie? Should I bother seeing it? Is it worth my 'precious time'?

I liked Buba Ho-Tep my GF at the time hated it its kind of different some people will like it some wont but if you are a bruce campbell fan i reccomend you see it.

[-=Asmodeus=-]

Man....This could take a while....
OK...All the ones listed above...I agree with...
to add to that list.....

Fear.Com, Wrong Turn, White Noise, Soul Plane, Secret Window, The Village,

Land Of The Dead, Torque, Biker Boys, Freddy Vs Jason, ALL THE Friday the

13th movies (Exept Part 1 & 2 the rest blow), Electra, Daredevil, You Got

Served, Simon Sez, Roller Ball, All Of the Sequels to Childs play Sucked,

Batman Returns, Batman Forever, Batman & Robin, Catwoman, The

Chronicles of Riddick, Kill Bill 1&2, Are We There Yet, The Ring 1 & 2, The

Grudge, Taxi, Envy, Judge Dread, Anaconda, The Avengers, The League of

Extrodinary Gentlemen, Blair Witch Project 1 & 2, The Crow2: City of Angels,

The Exorcist Sequels, Howard The Duck, Last Action Hero, North, The

Postman, Showgirls, The Whole Ten Yards, Napoleon Dynamite, Club Dread

Dr. Seuss' The Cat in the Hat, Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd

Stealing Harvard, Ghost Ship, Adam Sandler's Eight Crazy Nights, Corky

Romano, Urban Legends: Final Cut,

And anything to do with: The Olsen Twins, Pokemon, Power Rangers, Spice Girls, or remakes of old movies...PRETTY MUCH SUCK AS WELL!!

Thats not even the whole list I am just tired of thinkin...

[evilassmaster]

you people have obviously never seen......."the shadow" with kevin klein.

[RobLongshot]

Man....This could take a while....
OK...All the ones listed above...I agree with...
to add to that list.....

Wrong Turn, Secret Window,
Land Of The Dead, Freddy Vs Jason, ALL THE Friday the 13th movies (Exept Part 1 & 2 the rest blow), Roller Ball, All Of the Sequels to Childs play Sucked, Batman Returns, Kill Bill 1&2, Judge Dread, The Avengers, The League of Extrodinary Gentlemen,
The Exorcist Sequels, Howard The Duck, Showgirls, Dr. Seuss' The Cat in the Hat, Adam Sandler's Eight Crazy Nights,

And anything to do with: Power Rangers, Spice Girls, or remakes of old movies...PRETTY MUCH SUCK AS WELL!!..

i cut all the ones i agreed with out of your post so i can ask one simple question.....

Can i buy drugs from you?

[Spaceman Spiff]

-=Asmodeus=- - Wow... that is a pretty big list. I might have to argue Kill Bill 1&2 off the list, being a big QT fan, and add that the Village was not awful, not excilent either, but it strikes up some middle ground... oh yeah and Club Dread, that one and Super Troopers struck me as hilarious, those broken lizard guys are masters of stupid comedy... but to each his own. Overall that seemed like a damn fine list.

[Rocktacula]

There are too many, but in order to stay with "recent" films, and only the horror genre...man, Cursed sucked the farts out of a dead goat's ass.

[-=Asmodeus=-]

-=Asmodeus=- - Wow... that is a pretty big list. I might have to argue Kill Bill 1&2 off the list, being a big QT fan, and add that the Village was not awful, not excilent either, but it strikes up some middle ground... oh yeah and Club Dread, that one and Super Troopers struck me as hilarious, those broken lizard guys are masters of stupid comedy... but to each his own. Overall that seemed like a damn fine list.

Hey..I am a big Terentino fan...Love his work,..But those movies just seemed a waste of my time...JUST my opinion...

but yes all in all QT rocks....

[-=Asmodeus=-]

i cut all the ones i agreed with out of your post so i can ask one simple question.....

Can i buy drugs from you?

Thats just my opinion ...I have a very odd way of rating a movie...
I am a bit tough on some movies but my opinion on those listed still stand...They suck...

But its an opinion and opinions are like butt holes...Everyone has one...