Joke Thread

[nausiatingpain]

How about a thread for jokes? Here, I'll start it off:

What's black and comes in little white cans?











Michael Jackson

Thanks, I'll be here all week. NP

[gonesavage]

I love the tasteless:

Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks.
Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.
"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.
The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"

[BrightStar]

From the Movie: Teenage Cave Man:

A priest and a rabbi are walking along the street, and they come across a young male.

The priest says to the rabbi," Hey, I have an idea, lets f*ck that guy over there!"

The rabbi turns to the priest and asks," Out of what?"

[nausiatingpain]

From the Movie: Teenage Cave Man:

A priest and a rabbi are walking along the street, and they come across a young male.

The priest says to the rabbi," Hey, I have an idea, lets f*ck that guy over there!"

The rabbi turns to the priest and asks," Out of what?"

That reminds me of the one about the jewish *********. He lures his victims by saying: "Hey kid, want to buy some candy?"

[Will Judy]

Priest, Minister, and a Rabbi walk into a bar. Bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, a fucking joke?"

[spooksy]

Ok MJ joke,
What do K-Mart and Michael Jackson have in common?












Little Boys pants half off.

RDRR

[DyingSunshine]

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.

[spooksy]

If you had as many dicks on you as in you you would look like a porcupine!

[-=Asmodeus=-]

2 preachers that were best friends always rode their bikes to church on sunday together,and they would stop on the side of the road to meet and chat a little while.

One sunday one of them showed up the meeting spot walking the other preacher asked what happened to his bike. The first preacher said "Someone in my congregation must have stole my bike, I dont know how I am gonna get it back"

The second preacher said easy when you get to church today just start reciting the ten comandments, and when you get to the comandment about Thou Shalt not Steal, Whoever stole your bike will feel guilty and bring it back to you. Then they went on their way

The very next sunday both preachers had their bicycles and the second preacher said "Oh I see the Ten Comandments deal worked, " The first preacher looked at him and said " yes it did I was saying the Ten Comandments and when I got to the comandment about Thou Shalt not Commit adultry I remembered where I left my Bicycle

[-=Asmodeus=-]

Did you ever stop to think that if the Pilgrims would have shot Bobcats instead of Turkeys, That we would be eating Pussy on Thanksgiving.

[-=Asmodeus=-]

I kissed her lips, and then Just out of meanness
she twisted her hips and broke my glasses....

If you dont get it think about it a lil

[-=Asmodeus=-]

A man went to Alaska and wanted to live in an Eskimo village, He talk to the chief about joining this village and they said to join our village you must pass 3 trials.

First trial you must drink a gallon of 151 proof Rum without batting an eye
Second trial you must kill a polar bear with your bare hands
Third Trial you must make love to an eskimo woman.

The man said "Alright Gimme that Rum first." He downed it without batting an eye. He was tore up bad. The chief then pointed him towards a polar bear cave, bout 2 hours later the man came back, his clothes all tore up, he was bleeding and bruised all to hell.

He walked up to the chief and said " Alright, now wheres this Eskimo girl you want me to kill???

[Vaughn]

Ok...I made this up my own self:

Little kid and his dad are watchin Oprah when the kid loos up at his dad and asks "Daddy, what's therapy?"

Dad smacks him in the head and says..."Shut up and keep suckin!"

Ta Da!!!

[spooksy]

oh my god

[DeathofaLegend]

Soo.....

What's the best thing about f*cking a 10-year-old Philippino girl?

When you're done, you can flip her over and pretend she's a 10-year-old Philippino boy!

(Please don't kill me)

[spooksy]

what the differance between a slut and a bitch.
a slut will fuck anyone.
a bitch will fuck anyone but you.

[Jasperino]

Priest, Minister, and a Rabbi walk into a bar. Bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, a fucking joke?"

Very nice... my fav so far :p

[Jasperino]

Two necrophiliacs were walking by a graveyard on the way home one night. One turned to the other and said "Hey, wanna grab a couple of cold ones?"

[gonesavage]

Soo.....

What's the best thing about f*cking a 10-year-old Philippino girl?

When you're done, you can flip her over and pretend she's a 10-year-old Philippino boy!

(Please don't kill me)

Sounds like one I learned some years ago:

Q: What's the best thing about a seven-year old?
A: In the shower, when they're all wet, they look like they're 5.

[-=Asmodeus=-]

What does a blonde and a screen door have in common.

The more you slam them the looser they get.

[-=Asmodeus=-]

Confucious say: Man who stand on toilet...High on pot
Confucious say: Wife who puts husband in dog house...May find him in cat house
Confucious say: Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot...Very unsanitary
Confucious say: Virgin like balloon...One prick all gone.
Confucious say: Dumb man climb tree to get cherry...Wise man spread limbs.
Confucious say: Man who fuss with wife all day...Get no piece at night.

[Vaughn]

oh my god

Like that one did ya?

[BrightStar]

This joke needs the visual aid, but it was on tv:

Some character says to the other"Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?"
The other character shrugs...
*From out of nowhere, Colonel Sanders starts chasing some chicken/chickens down the road with a massive meat cleaver*

Both look on at the scene and go," Oh..."

The joke probably sucks unless you have the visual aide.

[CeruleanFire]

Twelve catholic priests were about to be ordained. The final test was
> > for
> them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a
sexy
> and beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest
had
> a small bell attached to his penis and they were told That anyone whose
bell
> rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he
had
> not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no
reaction.
> She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests
> until she got to the final priest (Carlos). As she danced, his bell
began to
> ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground.
> >
> > Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward, and bent over to pick it
up.
> Then, all the other bells started to ring.

[nausiatingpain]

Some tasteless dead baby jokes:

Why did the dead baby cross the road?
It was chained to a bumper

What do you get when you dislocate a dead baby's jaw?
Deep Throat.

What's the difference between a Cadillac and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.

How do you prevent a baby from exploding in the microwave?
Poke holes in it with a coat hanger.

How do you stop a baby from choking?
Take your dick out of its mouth.

What is red and creeps up your leg?
A homesick abortion.

How are babies and the elderly alike?
Both are fun to throw out of moving cars.

Why do babies have a soft spot in their heads?
So you can pick them up five at a time

[BrightStar]

Some tasteless dead baby jokes:

Why did the dead baby cross the road?
It was chained to a bumper

What do you get when you dislocate a dead baby's jaw?
Deep Throat.

What's the difference between a Cadillac and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.

How do you prevent a baby from exploding in the microwave?
Poke holes in it with a coat hanger.

How do you stop a baby from choking?
Take your dick out of its mouth.

What is red and creeps up your leg?
A homesick abortion.

How are babies and the elderly alike?
Both are fun to throw out of moving cars.

Why do babies have a soft spot in their heads?
So you can pick them up five at a time

?! !

[nausiatingpain]

Q: What fruit has seven dents?



A: Snow White's cherry.

[BrightStar]

Q: What fruit has seven dents?



A: Snow White's cherry.

Now that is better.

[nausiatingpain]

?! !

[gonesavage]

Why do babies have a soft spot in their heads?
So you can pick them up five at a time

Those are so so very bad, yet I'm laughing.

[-=Asmodeus=-]

Q. What do you get when you cross peanut butter with a donkey
A. A sandwich with long ears, and a piece of ass that will stick to the roof of your mouth.

[vixta]

Sounds like one I learned some years ago:

Q: What's the best thing about a seven-year old?
A: In the shower, when they're all wet, they look like they're 5.

whats the best thing about screwing twenty seven year olds?
theres 20 of them.

shellac told that joke at atp

[Will Judy]

I'll post the three most sexist jokes I know, but only if someone asks me to.

[nausiatingpain]

I'll post the three most sexist jokes I know, but only if someone asks me to.

Post them! Anything goes in here.

[Will Judy]

Post them! Anything goes in here.

Okay, but remember that you asked:

1. Why do women get horrible cramps every month?

Because they deserve to.

2. How can you tell when a woman has an orgasm?

Ahhhhhh, who cares?

3. What do 9 out of 10 battered women have in common?

They just don't know when to shut the fuck up.

[koolagh]

A minister, a rabbi and a pagan priestess decide to go fishing together as part of an "understanding other religions" project. Just as they get the boat to the center of the lake, the priestess exclaims "Darn, I forgot my tackle box." She hops over the side of the boat, skipping lightly over the waters surface, retrieves her tackle box and returns. The other two clerics are astounded. The rabbi thinks for a second and says "Darn, I forgot my luch on the pier." He hops over the side of the boat and gingerly makes his way to the pier, retrieves his lunch and returns. By this time, the minister is enraged and thinks to himself "If these two heathens can perform such miracles, surely I, a man of god, can do the same." He proclaims "I have to go make sure my car is locked." Hops over the side of the boat and sinks like a brick and drowns. The rabbi says "Maybe we should have told him about the stepping stones." To which the pagan priestess replies smugly "What stepping stones?"

[nausiatingpain]

Okay, but remember that you asked:

1. Why do women get horrible cramps every month?

Because they deserve to.

2. How can you tell when a woman has an orgasm?

Ahhhhhh, who cares?

3. What do 9 out of 10 battered women have in common?

They just don't know when to shut the fuck up.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Q: Why do women have small feet?
A: So they can stand closer to the stove.

[vixta]

Why do men like BMWs
It's the only car they can spell

Why do shit jokes start with 'why do'
because you can't expect a man to learn more than one opening

and a couple of my favourite blonde jokes:

why did the blonde dye her hair black
artifical intelligence

what do you call a blonde with two brain cells
pregnant

three blondes go into a bar and order champagne. they toast 'to six days'. the barman asks what they are celebrating and one says 'we bought a jigsaw puzzle that said 2-4 years on the box, but we finished it in six days'

and another theme:
how can you tell when a black country woman is having an orgasm?
she drops her chips.

and finally...

How many women with pms does it take to change a lightbulb?





















JUST THE ONE, ALRIGHT!!!!

[quaters]

Whats blue, purple, pink, neon green and sinks in a pool?
A baby with slashed floaties.

Whats the diffrence between a baby and a pizza?
A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in an oven.

Whats the diffrence between a truckload of babies and bowling balls?
You can't unload bowling balls with a pitchfork.

[quaters]

Ooopps, I forgot about this one.

There were two extremely unhappy dogs, a collie and a cocker spaniel, in a vets office. "So what are you here for?", the collie said to the cocker spaniel. "Oh, I'm here because my master's mad at me for pissing on the carpet, he's going to put me to sleep" "Really?", said the collie, "My master's going to put me to sleep too, I keep crapping in his shoes". The two dogs were hanging their heads and bemoaning their fate when a german shepherd is put in a cage next to them. "What are you here for?" said the cocker spaniel. "Well, my mistress was coming out of taking a shower, and bent over to pick up her towel, well, I just couldn't resist myself, so I mounted her. "You did!" said the collie, " So, is she putting you to sleep too?" "Oh no!" said the german shepherd" I'm just getting my nails trimmed".