Question: How long do you wait for a commitment?

[The Newswire]

I've seen a few discussions online recently on the topic of how long you should accept waiting for a commitment in a relationship. So I thought I'd ask what you all think.

I'll start. I think that, once you are an adult, a year is the magic timeline. As a young person in school, you may be subject to the whims of those you depend on. Once your life is your own, however, I think that anyone you are still unsure of after a year, is the wrong match. You might still enjoy him or her, but, if you are letting him or her wait for a commitment at that point, you are both fooling yourselves. Occasionally, a person can have some background trauma which slows the process or some personal breakthrough which changes it. Mostly, if, after a year, you can't convince your partner to respect your career, have threesomes, develop an interest in crafting, start enjoying travel, stop kowtowing to relatives, or whatever you are waiting on, chances are that person is not the one.

That is my thought on it anyway. When I was living up at Wesleyan, my housemate Mary Gelezunas, who was deeply not overly girlie, used to joke: "Ring by spring or your money back." (Mary and I each got a BA and not an MRS.) This question just made me think of that.

What do you think? How long would you wait for someone you love to commit to you? How long would you let someone fun wait on you, if you were not going to commit?

Read the full article

[Sierras]

At first I was going to respond with "well it depends on the relationship," but after reading the actual article, I have to say I agree that 1 year is a pretty good marker for the commitment level of a relationship. Personally, I tend to take a bit longer to become comfortable and open in a relationship, and at around the one year marker, I've generally just become committed and decided upon how to move forward.

I know a lot of couples who move in together and even get engaged after only knowing each other for a few months. Personally I think that's way too fast. I've been with my current partner for almost 3 years now and we have only touched on the subject of engagement.

I'm curious as to how everyone else feels about how fast is too fast in a relationship.

[Mr Karl]

hmmm ....a year sounds about right........I'm an extremist so for me it's either a month or a decade

[nathanmbailey]

I've never had a girlfriend last more than 6 months, so I'm not all too worried about it.

[Raza]

In my preferred model for interpersonal intimacy, it wouldn't matter. You share what you want to share, with whom you want to share it with, when those wants coincide with theirs. When they do not, you do something else, or someone else. One of the big advantages of complete non-monogamy is that there's no need for one person to fulfill all your needs and desires, so there's less pressure on people to adjust in ways with which they aren't comfortable.

Reality for me is something inbetween that and our unfortunate cultural norm, however. One grows into habits, sharing times more than activities with certain people. In the end, if something important isn't what I want it to be about a relationship, I will wait so long as I am seeing progress when situations with potential for it arise. There's no one line to draw; I simply don't accept what seems like voluntary (on their part) stagnation, or regress.

[TheDeathKnight]

Yeah, I was watching some stupid show on tv the other day, and someone said that if your partner hadn't proposed marriage in one year, then to move on. To me, that seems absolutely stupid for a variety of reasons. First of all, it depends if you are talking about marriage, or monogamy. If you both want monogamy, then sure, a year seems enough time to decide if you want to try to make monogamy work, or if you want to keep dating other people. But once you've committed to the relationship, I think it takes quite a few years before you know if you are comfortable with a more permanent long-term commitment. All you need to do, is look at all the divorces out there. Some happen after just a year or two. Other people make it 10 years or more. But in general, it's hard to make a relationship work for decades and decades.

[inox]

I think, if you're looking to pair off and settle down, you can figure out if the other person is potentially considering you for such pretty early on.

If you're not specifically looking for that, though, there's a lot of danger in just tacitly trending toward monogamy out of comfort and a desire to not create any sort of tension or strife with your partner. That goes double for anyone who derives substantial joy from sexual novelty. It's an easy thing to rationalize, and you've usually got the boiling frog scenario with regards to a gradual loss of dynamism, motivation, and for lack of a better word, mana.

I'm not completely cynical about relationships, mind you, and I think that monogamy certainly is the most beneficial choice (psychologically speaking) for certain people. However, I think it's important to make sure you're one of those people, and that whatever you're walking into represents where you really want to be.

[TheDeathKnight]

I tend to do things based on how happy I am.

If I am with someone who wants monogamy, and we are both happy with things, then that's fine with me. If one of us gets bored, or unhappy, or finds someone else to be with, then we cross that bridge when we come to it. There are distinct benefits to both lifestyles.

I think too many people are locked into being single, or locked into being monogamous. They think one or the other is the only way to do things. I think you just have to play things by ear, and see how things work out.

Too many people have the view that they need to get married by some specific timeframe. If you want kids, that's somewhat valid. But if you are just talking about relationships, it doesn't make much sense to me. You could be "on schedule", and get married at exactly the age you want, and then your partner could get hit by a bus 10 years later. And I suppose the same thing is true about having kids. You can't 100% rely on the other person being there to support the kids you want to have, either emotionally or financially. The other parent might die unexpectedly, and you'd have to adapt. Find a new partner who likes kids, etc.

So I just don't think there is any reason to expect things to work out in some perfect planned way. Go with what is working for you at the moment. But if you are miserable, get out. You only have one life. Don't waste it.

[Bikerpunk]

TDK: That's how a guy approaches it.

However, women do look for commitment, the same way guys look for a zipless fuck, in part because of biological inwiring, and in part because of societal stuff.

I'm not suggesting a woman goes out looking for someone to pay her bills and such, through women like that do exist.

But I mean, if you're 30 and haven't "found a man", you're in danger of being an "old maid". Lot of girls, friends of mine, my age, are dealing with mom saying things like "you aren't getting any younger" and "you gotta snare a good one, and soon." There's a LOT of pressure on women to find the right guy and settle down - everything from those execrable rom-coms to peer pressure.

[Aubergine]

I think it depends on what you wanted when you began the relationship. If I don't want to be in a relationship, there's no way I'll be in one. I've wanted commitment, so I've had it. Then there was the "zipless fuck" (loved that!) period. And then there's now.
From a logical standpoint, a year seems reasonable. But love is not reasonable. If someone makes you feel good, just hang out with them until they don't. And if you are secretly pining for someone else to bring up THAT topic, grow a set and bring it up yourself. We're living in a post-ERA world. They don't always open doors anymore and they don't always ask you to go steady.

[OliX]

Somehow you know after an hour how it's going to end.

If I feel just a bit of doubt on anything then I know that I can just write it off. Picky? Yes. But once I made a mistake by fooling my self and ignoring those small signs telling me it's not gonna end well. Since that mistake I'm honest to myself first, then to others.

Good time to wait could be no more than 4 month I guess... anything more is taking too much time to realize that you already are together. . .

[Raza]

Hey! OliX is back, and he brought his prescience.