What is the Stupidest thing you've heard anyone say?

[Black Spiral Dancer]

I was getting out of the lift (elevator) in the building where I live and a group of lads got in followed by a woman. Bear in mind that this was on the ground floor of the building and there are no basement levels. The woman asked as she got in the lift,

Is the lift going up or down?

I know people will say that she may be new to the building, so may not know, but I've seen in the building for around 8 years.

[evilstonermonkey]

i work in a cafe, so approximately 138% of what people say to me is impressivley moronic. examples:

"do you sell drinks here?"
"are you still open?" asked after lights and music are off, tables and chairs stacked in the store, and im walking out with my bag on my back having just locked up.
"whats the difference between the coffee and the iced coffee?"

then theres customers that ask for "a cofee, thanks" and get flustered or pissy when you ask them which one they would like... we have at least 20 drinks on our damn menu, and a whole bunch of others we still make that arent on the menu. similar thing when asked for "a scone" (plain or fruit scone?) or "a sandwich" (im sure you get the idea).

outside of work i hear a few doozies too. some old ones from a guy i knew from school:
"my uncle grows sweet potatoes off the coast of new zealand."
"theres three holes down there right? one for your dick, and one for each of your balls?"
"IM NOT A MAN! ... erm, i mean... im a boy..." (he was 19 at the time)
"go on then, moon me. i dare you. but you wont be able to sit down again." (we think... hope... that was a threat of being hit, not... y'know...)

[Bikerpunk]

"theres three holes down there right? one for your dick, and one for each of your balls?"

No, it's so that if she passes out from too much booze, you can carry her home like a bowling ball.

[Mr Karl]

......................ah pffft................there's just so many I'd lose it if I didn't make an effort not to remember

[Pull~My~Hair]

Actually today a coworker and I were talking about Alaska and he said "I don't know, I've never really wanted to travel out of the country"

It was pretty awesome

[DoomTart]

2 immediately come to mind:

"What does one size fits all mean?"
and
"What does crotchless mean?"

Both questions asked multiple times by many, many different people over the course of many years working customer service at Frederick's of Hollywood mail order.

[xxxnecklacexxx]

ohh I have an excellent one... I was trying to get across that when your with someone you need to be with that person and stop the back burners..especially when you express your monogomy adn demand it back..mmhmm well this was the response I got.."Lace" I care a lot about you I really do, right now its 70% to 30%, you have a lot more to offer me than she does..you let me be myself.....I love you really I do...
uhhh yeah ok..so what the fuck does that translate to?

[Head Wreck]

(customer) "I'd like to return this bag of salt"
(myself) "certainly Madam, may i ask why you are returning the item?"
(customer) "yes, its too salty"

I just smiled and gave her refund then waited till she left the store before falling over laughing

so many more gained working in a small petrol station come convenience store in a small town i call home, and a few more gems working as a civil servant

[Black Spiral Dancer]

We Civil Servants get some doozies sometimes.

[blackienig]

This one lady called me a "piss ass" before.

[Head Wreck]

i got called a squid fucker today it amused me much.

civil servants have an inteligence test it seems, they dont want you to bright

jokes aside i knew of an employer who hired workshop floor apprentices on similar criterea

[Black Spiral Dancer]

Thankfully, I joined the Civil Service before they started with this "Intellegence Test" Crap! Some of the bampots they let in now is beyond belief!

Here's a good one I had a while back. I was buying a coffee. I asked for a Large Black Coffee. The girls said "Ok. Now do you want a Regular or Large?" Turned away when I repeated Large, and after pouring the drink asked, "Do you want milk in that?" Now I'm slow at times at work, I seem to have selective hearing, but such a blatant lapse is just silly! (I apologise to anyone that works in a coffee shop and has to deal with idiots all day. This girl was just a dumb Charva that had probably been forced to take the job or stop her benefits)

[Head Wreck]

not all contractors are dumb, while i was seconded to our agency's GSI upgrade i worked everywhere and anywhere up and down the country and saw some cool departments, and some which were rather gradist, AA's dont talk to cleaners, AO's talk to AA's when they have to, EO's thought that AA's were a necessary disadvantage, and EO's who thought AA's were scum, and that is not including the doctors and the secretarys who were the top dogs. they got on with me well as i was team leader on their patch but became instantly standoffish when i let slip that my permanent grade was AA.

on that theme:

random user: "are we getting this broadband thing, i hear its really fast?"
Myself: "you mean the internet, Your line manager will have to put a request in chief"
RU: "nah, not the internet, but i hear this broadband thing is good"


also in the same department thier planning officer had Tourettes, it mostly orchestrated itself in barks and yelps, which most of the team suddenly needed to check the cabling under the desk leaving me to deal with the gentleman. (speech impediments just don't phase me, through having a lisp, and helping the area CO run my local St John Cadet meetings who had the worst stammer i have ever heard)

on occasion however, when he was annoyed...

(directed towards a user nominated as a guinea pig for new system on 13th attempt, Fujitsu couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery)

"these guys are going to change your computer cunts, you'll only be off for half an hour itsnotgoingtowork"


another occasion, we had a colegue, who was 2 years of retirement, former landlord of a public house in a rough area, just after we got pulled up (again) by a former female collegue for sexual harassment and having giraffe porn on the walls of out office (hows that possible i dont know, i mean a giraffe is how high, basicly she got a true report of her performance)

RL: "we got to be whiter than white boys now"

later on a team troubleshooting

RL; "you aint broken my finest work allready?" (bit of banter was his style with end users)
User: "nah, it the rubish work this RL chap does"
RL: "I'll have you know our work is all well and good, and if you think i'm giving to charity your very much mistaken"

user: *perplexed look* "what charity?, were not collecting anything?"
RL: "then why's that bellend dressed up then"

right about now the penny drops on RL, that the person he was refering to was a transexual who'd just started the process and we were warned about, and we (the rest of the team) do our well practiced fade into the background and dissapear.

[evilstonermonkey]

Thankfully, I joined the Civil Service before they started with this "Intellegence Test" Crap! Some of the bampots they let in now is beyond belief!

Here's a good one I had a while back. I was buying a coffee. I asked for a Large Black Coffee. The girls said "Ok. Now do you want a Regular or Large?" Turned away when I repeated Large, and after pouring the drink asked, "Do you want milk in that?" Now I'm slow at times at work, I seem to have selective hearing, but such a blatant lapse is just silly! (I apologise to anyone that works in a coffee shop and has to deal with idiots all day. This girl was just a dumb Charva that had probably been forced to take the job or stop her benefits)

nah, thats ok. i wrk with a girl that is like that. its almost as bad as the customers sometimes

[theUnclean]

Yesterday, walking to my fav coffee shop after work, some nut sucker...

"Hey, I'm on heroine"... and he just kept walking.

I yelled out 'hey good for you' and was tempted to tell him that the cop he was approaching called him a punk and that he should run up and sock him.

[OliX]

good excuse.... whatever bad you do you can just say "Hey, I'm on heroine" hahaha.................. ok, not funny

someone once stated "I'm so smart" ....


... I think it was me but I'm so stupid to remember it now

[grebo]

stupidest thing heard, an american say "i voted for george bush"

[Tinman]

i got into a few er spots of bother as a kid n once had a verybad knife slash on my hand, when i literally caught up wit my friends they saw the cut, i hadnt noticed till i touched the cut n it opened up and i could see my bones wiggling inside, several hrs of surgery later, i finally came round n was lay in a hospital bed, my mate had stayed all the way through, first thing he said, did it hurt?, fuck ye! lol

[a_small_death]

Lying in agonizing pain and bleeding while someone asks "Are you ok? do you have a cold?"

[Velvet-Tongue]

Obama will let all the terrorists in.

[Bikerpunk]

We should vote for Hillary because then that would shatter the last glass ceiling in America.

[Exquisite]

Heard a great one on the radio today about two guys talking in the US after 9/11:

Guy 1: Wow this is just like Pearl Harbor.
Guy 2: Whats Pearl Harbor?
Guy 1: Its when the Vietnamese dropped the bombs on the harbor in Hawaii and started the Vietnam war.

o.O yah ok guys ... blarg.

[Head Wreck]

heh heh heh

unfortunately I can quite see that being true Exquisite.

[Tinman]

http://fb.community.slide.com/fb/?px...view=730281250

[Tinman]

if it doesnt work i apolagise i suck at that sort of stuff but my mate sent me a classic utube vid of how dumb americans really can be its classic

[Head Wreck]

not all Americans are like that, and you'd get similar in britan if you were to pull a stunt like that

[Tinman]

ur not wrong, lol, but most brits embrace there stupidity, its our charm lol

[BookOfFaeye]

"Why wont he marry me?" asked in HYSTERICAL tears.

Jesus if you have to ask THAT way... you have your answer.

[Razored Pixie]

"I don't believe in evolution because why aren't monkeys walking out of trees and turning into people"