Do you think polyamory is a good idea?

[Amelia G]

Do you think that most couples should be polyamorous? Do you think some couples should be polyamorous if it fits their lifestyle and relationship? Do you think some couples should be polyamorous if it fits their relationship? Do you think that no one should ever be open about being with more than one person? Do you think polyamory is a good idea, even if only one partner wants it?

[skintwisterman]

Oh, Gods. Can of worms.

I've found myself dating, or in love with, polyamorous women several times now-- and I don't like it. I've always accepted it totally... but it's always been a personal sacrifice and a source of pain.

I'm not sure if most 'polyamory' out there has anything to do with ANY amory, but instead simple sluttiness. Don't get me wrong, I know there IS true polyamory... but I doubt that most those out there who practise polyamory have anything to do with love rather than lust.

It's really down to the couple, really ^^

[Amelia G]

Oh, Gods. Can of worms.

I've found myself dating, or in love with, polyamorous women several times now-- and I don't like it. I've always accepted it totally... but it's always been a personal sacrifice and a source of pain.

I'm not sure if most 'polyamory' out there has anything to do with ANY amory, but instead simple sluttiness. Don't get me wrong, I know there IS true polyamory... but I doubt that most those out there who practise polyamory have anything to do with love rather than lust.

It's really down to the couple, really ^^

Why do you always accept it? I often wonder what would happen if more people just said something along the lines of, "I love you, it pains me to see you with someone else, be with only me" instead of just clenching their jaw and accepting something which makes them crazy.

[skintwisterman]

Why do you always accept it? I often wonder what would happen if more people just said something along the lines of, "I love you, it pains me to see you with someone else, be with only me" instead of just clenching their jaw and accepting something which makes them crazy.

That's normally why it breaks up. I decide that I'd rather have an even relationship instead of all give and no take...

Personally, I'm not sure I'd ever take it again.

[Belladonna]

i think for some it's fine. it really depends on the people involved.

[Nudemuse]

I don't think there are any shoulds or should nots. I hold the philosophy do what works for you. It's not the easy thing to do by any means but, I think it saves you grief in the long run. If something isn't working for you be it monogamy, poly, whatever take a good look at it and decide for yourself and amongst your loved one(s) what needs to be done.

Above all I think almost anything can work as long as people are honest with each other and don't try to hide things or anything like that.

[KilLAtomiK]

i think for some people it can be cool, but it dosent work for me, im a one horse cowboy

[keiko]

Well Rob and I manage it. The trick is to be totally honest with eachother at all times. Also I think our work has helped us seperate sex from love. One is a cheap (addictive) thrill that will keep you young, the otehr is holding your hand while the nurse sticks an IV in your arm or making you waffles in bed.

K

[Buster Friendly]

huh... funny I was just thinking about this as I was walking home...

...I think it's really individual... some girls I've been with, I didn't give a damn who they were with... others I HAD to have for myself...
(whether or not I got that...)

I've never seens a longterm polyamorous couple that seemed like a healthy relationship... usually it's one partner or the other who has the permission to date, while the other one either suffers, or ignores them... but my experience of the world is limited to what my own two eyes have seen so...

although I do have to say I like a girl to be with ME when she's with me... meaning, I might not care who she sees on tuesday, but if she's with me on wednesday I don't have anytime for that other person, their drama, jealousy, or any of that stuff... if a person can multi-task like that, that's fine...

[Amelia G]

Well Rob and I manage it. The trick is to be totally honest with eachother at all times. Also I think our work has helped us seperate sex from love. One is a cheap (addictive) thrill that will keep you young, the otehr is holding your hand while the nurse sticks an IV in your arm or making you waffles in bed.

K

Mmmm, waffles sound so good right now.

[skintwisterman]

Mmmm, waffles sound so good right now.

Hey, Amelia-- want me to make you waffles every day for the rest of our lives?

[Tequila Zaire]

Well Rob and I manage it. The trick is to be totally honest with eachother at all times. Also I think our work has helped us seperate sex from love. One is a cheap (addictive) thrill that will keep you young, the otehr is holding your hand while the nurse sticks an IV in your arm or making you waffles in bed.

K

That sounds about right...now if only I could meet a gal who'd understand that. Though given the headaches women have been to me in the last year I may switch to the other team.

[One Eyed Cat]

Polyamory can be a very good thing. You just have to really know and trust the people involved. If one person cannot handle it, all hell will break loose. Be brutally honest with yourself and your mate.

OEC

[funkatron]

Do you think that most couples should be polyamorous? Do you think some couples should be polyamorous if it fits their lifestyle and relationship? Do you think some couples should be polyamorous if it fits their relationship? Do you think that no one should ever be open about being with more than one person? Do you think polyamory is a good idea, even if only one partner wants it?

Most? I don't think so, not in this society. Societal norms and how we're raised have a lot to do with our expectations in relationships, and generally in our society we learn that we should be hurt if someone we love has sex with someone other than us. It's a tough thing to overcome, and I don't think anyone should feel like they *have* to overcome it, unless their feelings are really detrimental to their own happiness. I don't think it's necessary to have an "open" relationship/be polyamorous to be truly happy.

That being said, I think if it really *does* work for two people, more power to them. Gotta be really careful about it, though.

Also, KEY PARTY AT MY HOUSE! SWING BABY!

*cough*

excuse me.

[TheDeathKnight]

I've discussed it here before, and it only works if the couple is totally and completely locked together for life, in love, and very happy together. If that is there, and they are both horny sluts, then they can both fool around, and there is no problem. It's also probably a lot easier to deal with if it's a mutual thing. Where both people are involved in threesomes, swinging, etc... Rather than one person just fooling around while the other one stays at home. A friend of mine and his wife have an open relationship, and because they are totally committed, and have a kid, it seems to work. They are not going to leave each other. They both love each other. But they let each other fool around. And half the time it's the wife that does the fooling around, simply because the husband is too busy, and figures it's cool if she gets what she needs elsewhere, so he can focus on video games, or whatever else he is doing at the moment. He also explained to me, that fantasy can only go so far with two people. His example was that if his wife had a fantasy about being banged by a big black guy, he could paint himself black, but it isn't going to do the trick. The only way for her to get to live out her fantasies, is to actually do them. And he is very happy, because she is really appreciative of him letting her live those fantasies. He is happy that she is happy, and so it makes their relationship stronger. The key is getting rid of jealousy. And the only way to get over that, is to have self-confidence, and also to have total confidence in the stability of the relationship. Or, as someone else suggested, perhaps having no faith in anything, and just living every moment to the fullest, is also a way to pull it off.

But if you are happy being monogomous, then enjoy it, and stick withit.
But it is pretty common for people to get horny, and get bored with their partner.
Even if you aren't bored with sex with your partner, and even if you are not planning
on being with someone else, there is still that natural attraction to other people.
The question is if you do something about it or not.
In most of my relationships, having an open relationship was not worth
losing the relationship. And because most people can't handle it, it's better
to see if you can do monogamy, rather than risk losing a good partner.
But I think it's too bad people can't get over their jealousy issues.
I have them. So have people I have been with...
But it really seems pretty cool when people can make a polyamorous
relationship work.

[tinstar]

What most people say:
"Sure, polyamory is cool..."

What most people don't say:
"...as long as I am the one being polyamorous and not her/him!!"

[Umbilical Lotus]

I am currently in an open relationship, and it's working out so far. My guy is somewhat shy and conservative, so for the most part it's me having the threat of hookups, but he's fine with me having my fun and, when it comes up, I'm fine with him having his and openly encourage him when he gets attacks of the shies. We've both agreed that sex does NOT equal love, nor does it have to equal any sort of emotional or relationship connection at all - it CAN, and when the two of us are together I do sort of feel that, but it doesn't HAVE to, and at least in my case it's easy to drain all the meaning out of the act. Him buying me a video game, or me making him grilled cheese sandwiches can have that same amorous connection.

We're both somewhat restricted - he's a goody-goody who's had to deal with the "nice guys finish last" thing for pretty much ever, and I'm sort of ugly and have all the baggage that comes with being so - but we remain open, and sometimes discussing our encounters or fantasies (he's a bit of a voyeur, teehee) brings extra oooooh to our own sex lives. We trust each other, love each other, and it's working.

But we're the exception, sadly. Being in any sort of polygamous/amorous situation requires a LOT of trust and devotion, and most people tend not to get their minds past the "I can fuck other people" part. At least in this society, the sex = love equation is so prevalent and billed as being so morally right that it takes a lot of questioning or will to really break free of that. Also, unless you're TRULY in love with your permanent partner, or you trust each other almost totally, the threat of finding something more with one of your hookups is real, threatening, and has ruined too many relationships I've had to watch. It's an easier thing to endure in other peoples' relationships than it is to endure in your own, as unless you KNOW that love and trust is solid, there WILL be that fear of "maybe the girl he's doing while I'm on my period will steal him away from me".

So yeah. It's possible, and awesome when it occurs, but you have to know you and your relationship are ready for it, and for most people it's just easier to stick to the comfort zone of monogamy. Nothing wrong with that, either.

[Amelia G]

Most? I don't think so, not in this society. Societal norms and how we're raised have a lot to do with our expectations in relationships, and generally in our society we learn that we should be hurt if someone we love has sex with someone other than us. It's a tough thing to overcome, and I don't think anyone should feel like they *have* to overcome it, unless their feelings are really detrimental to their own happiness. I don't think it's necessary to have an "open" relationship/be polyamorous to be truly happy.

That being said, I think if it really *does* work for two people, more power to them. Gotta be really careful about it, though.

Also, KEY PARTY AT MY HOUSE! SWING BABY!

*cough*

excuse me.

I don't really like random other people to drive my car. I've only just gotten over my phobia of valets, based on a traumatic childhood experience. So I'm not sure about putting my keys in a bowl for just anyone to grab.

Don't you think having multiple partners through either rapid serial monogamy or concurrent polyamory is the societal norm now?

[Buster Friendly]

'free love messes up my life, free love messes up my life, free love messes up my life...but you look good, so good...' -bongwater

(love that band)

[inox]

Well, there are differing interpretations of polyamory. For some, it's having a primary partner and having casual encounters on the side, in which one isn't emotionally vested (the swinger model.) Others take polyamory to mean being in love with multiple people at once, although again, usually with one "primary".

The former seems to be able to work rather well if there's a high degree of communication. The latter seems like an inherently unstable arrangement.

Sex can be like a sloppy handshake, but it's hard to juggle and prioritize multiple emotional attachments.

[One Eyed Cat]

I don't really like random other people to drive my car. I've only just gotten over my phobia of valets, based on a traumatic childhood experience. So I'm not sure about putting my keys in a bowl for just anyone to grab.

Don't you think having multiple partners through either rapid serial monogamy or concurrent polyamory is the societal norm now?

I would never put swinging in the same category as polyamory. Swinging is just fucking foolish.

OEC

[TheDeathKnight]

Explain?

I seem to think that the casual swinger model would work best,
because you keep your primary relationship independent of the sex.

I think the true definition of polyamory is really cool, but I agree that
it would be very difficult to handle. I think it would end up with a lot
less stability, since I doubt all the people involved would be getting
what they want, so it would seem like you'd have more relationships
coming and going, as people pair off to get more attention than they
are getting when it's split amongst multiples. I mean, I know I can
love more than one person, but trying to keep all of them happy
and entertained! Holy crap! That would be quite the juggling act...

[One Eyed Cat]

Explain?

I seem to think that the casual swinger model would work best,
because you keep your primary relationship independent of the sex.

I think the true definition of polyamory is really cool, but I agree that
it would be very difficult to handle. I think it would end up with a lot
less stability, since I doubt all the people involved would be getting
what they want, so it would seem like you'd have more relationships
coming and going, as people pair off to get more attention than they
are getting when it's split amongst multiples. I mean, I know I can
love more than one person, but trying to keep all of them happy
and entertained! Holy crap! That would be quite the juggling act...

I define swinging a bit differently than that. I see it as just random. In polyamory, you may or may not have a primary lover. Obviously, I agree that you can't have multiple centers of emotional attention. I guess my thing is I have to know who I'm having sex with.

OEC

[Vitorro]

This is the good thing of being into alternative lifestyles, many different views on what and what nots. Being in a BDSM group , is no different, Many do not go into it for sexual encounters, but for the experience of having control, or being controled, not just sex. Being in a monogonos relationship with M wife and her not being into BDSM at first was a strain, but she has found she can trust Me to be faithful at a party. Many couples Ive met are both inot the play, but several are like Myself, and have a spose that isnt, but who have learned that it isnt a sexual thing altogether.

Im sure if any have experienced a good play group party , they would agree that it isnt something that is " after the submissive is bound and gagged, you have your way with them" But I wouldnt say everyone who is into a group feels and sees it that way, some are into it just for gratuitous sexual encounters. Many others are single and come to find a relationship bonding experience that may lead to some sort of sex, but for Me and the group I am in, it is just a control fetish and not sex.

[MistressJennifer]

Oh it's a tough thing, no matter what anyone says. Especially when you are in love with them and they have someone else... It's very tough... No I don't think it's a good thing at all, and the only way you can stand it is to try not to think about them with someone else...

Being in the "alternative show biz club scene" for most of my life, you sort of learn to live with the fact that most gorgeous playboys or famous people are not going to be faithful, but it still hurts.

It hurts no matter what you do... But it's either that or boring yuppies with khaki pants.

It always gets back to the khaki pants....

[badkittyamy]

As with almost everything I believe it to depend on who and the situation. To me polyamory is when one is in love with more than one person. I've seen several cases where this doesn't work yet many more were it did when all partners knew and were consenting.

[Buster Friendly]

It hurts no matter what you do... But it's either that or boring yuppies with khaki pants.

It always gets back to the khaki pants....

in this universe of infinte possibilites there must be some options you haven't considered yet...

...just maybe...

[TheDeathKnight]

Oh it's a tough thing, no matter what anyone says. Especially when you are in love with them and they have someone else... It's very tough... No I don't think it's a good thing at all, and the only way you can stand it is to try not to think about them with someone else...

Being in the "alternative show biz club scene" for most of my life, you sort of learn to live with the fact that most gorgeous playboys or famous people are not going to be faithful, but it still hurts.

It hurts no matter what you do... But it's either that or boring yuppies with khaki pants.

It always gets back to the khaki pants....

I think the key is knowing they are going to stick with you.
Would you mind as much, if you knew the guy would stick with you
as his primary wife/girlfriend forever? If you knew he was not going
to leave, would it still bother you? Do women generally feel like a guy
is supposed to only want one girl for the rest of their lives? I think that
is part of the reason a lot of guys are afraid to commit to someone.
They know they are going to want other women, and they are afraid
to get into the bullshit drama of how a woman will usually react.
Most women expect total monogamy, especially if they are married.
And married people have the hardest time, because they end up
with the same person, night after night, year after year, and eventually
you want some variety. It does not mean you want to leave your wife.
It does not mean you want to end the relationship. But people want
to fuck. That's just nature.... Sex drive...

[MistressJennifer]

And people want Porches...

But nobody wants Khaki Pants...

[funkatron]

Don't you think having multiple partners through either rapid serial monogamy or concurrent polyamory is the societal norm now?

Well, here in Red State USA, polyamory is still pretty "weird." I guess people to go through periods of either RSM or having "fuck buddies" between, say, 16 and 25, but that normally ceases when you get into a more "serious" committed relationship.

[TheDeathKnight]

People just generally have a hard time staying monogomous.

It's nature.

Sex drive.

The question is how that natural drive to screw, affects a relationship.
People are either jumping from relationship to relationship,
or learning how to communicate with their partner about
their urges and feelings. People are either cheating, and hiding it,
or they are trying to find a way to deal with it. But 75% of the time,
people just cheat, or the relationship just gets shittier and shittier,
until someone leaves. Relationships are hard enough on their own.
Just living with someone, or dealing with personality differences.
Add sexuality into the mix, and it's really hard to keep a relationship
happy and fulfilling for decades and decades... So people are either
miserable, or cheating, or they learn to talk about it, and find ways
to deal with it. I hate to see people destroyed by lies, so I prefer
that people are honest about things, even if it's hard to deal with,
and hard to adapt. But would you rather adapt, or move on, or
would you rather someone just lies to you? I don't like the idea
of someone fucking around behind my back. I'd rather get the
honest truth, and figure out how to deal with it.

[TheDeathKnight]

And btw, MJ, if I ever meet you IRL, I'm going to dress in Khakis and a button down shirt.

[suicidal_tendencies]

ive been with 2 ppl at once and to me it just doesnt feel right. i dont ever want to even think of doing that again. to me its not right. but hey thats just my opinion

[One Eyed Cat]

And people want Porches...

But nobody wants Khaki Pants...

*Drives up in an earth colored Porsche*

OEC

[TheDeathKnight]

Just to see her struggle between her loves and hates...

"Love Porsche...Hate Khaki... What to do?...Gah!"

[Buster Friendly]

yeah well, you know what would happen if you rolled up in a Khaki porche, and a shiney red pair of pants right?

[TheDeathKnight]

She might like that...

[MistressJennifer]

No not Khaki Porsche! RED Porsche!!! Red!Tight Black leather pants. No khaki... Kill all Khaki wearing yuppies pushing strollers!!!!

[Scar]

I think it depends on the couple. I don't want to sound like a broken record because everyone has already made a lot of good points, so I'll keep it short. I think you can have a polyamorous relationship with complete honesty and 2 people who are committed to the idea of making that work. They also have to make sure to reassure the person their with that they are still the most special and not develope intimate emotional affairs with outside parties.

BTW- What do YOU think Amelia??

[Scar]

And Use Condoms Always Always Always!!!!!