Joke of the day...

[Black Spiral Dancer]

Let's have some good "clean" health fun! Post a joke. Each person can only post once a day, so make it good. Here's mine!

how many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb.

1 to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"
... another 6 to condemn those 6 as [Oops!]-retentive.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy".

109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum.

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs.

27 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three".

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"?

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a search on 'light bulbs' before posting questions about light bulbs".

16 to say, "I sent you a private message about light bulbs".

1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now and to start it all over again.

[Anarkey]

ok two guys r standin at the bus stop
one looks across the street and see's a dog lickin its self

one says ,man theres been times i wish i could do that
dont you wish you could do that?

the other guy says , well sure at times?


but wont the dog get angery??

[mmmcherry]

okay... "light bulb" has lost all meaning to me hahaa... way to go...

how do you catch a hamster?

sit in a dish and act like a sunflower seed. HAH!

[Toe Cutter]

Q: What do you call a fly without wings?


A: A walk...

Totally lame I know. It's the best I have to offer and I've probably already posted it. Shoot me.

[Anarkey]

ok 3 blondes are drivein in the country side <plz dont be mad all you blondes out there ..

one see's a blonde girl of about 20 out in a field,

the blonde driving says,... OMG like whats she doing out there??..
the blonde next to her says,... It looks like the breast stroke ??..
the blonde in the back seat yells , Damm you! . its Blondes like you that gives us blondes a bad name !!!


If i knew how to swim ,id swim out there and kick your ass!

[Pull~My~Hair]

so two blondes were going for a walk and the first blonde looks down and says "hey! look, deer tracks!"
then seconds one takes a looks and say "no, I think they look more like bear tracks"
all of a sudden they are hit by a train...
train tracks are a tricky thing

[Bondage Clown]

There once was a kid From Blueblood
Whos spanish speaking
Made people want to Draw blood

Once got in Toe Cutter's Grill
that was a thrill

Then made Jax mad
That was really bad

When dicovered he had MPD
It caught the attention
Of Amelia G...


That is funny....

[Anarkey]

Two freinds are in break room were they work ,when one asks .. So tell me Sally how the sex life these days?.. .You look a little down??

Sally says: Ohh,,, You know the old Social Security kind....

Her freind replies ; Socail Security ??

Ya, you know.. Social Security,you get alittle each month ,, but its not enuff to live on ...

[Pull~My~Hair]

There once was a kid From Blueblood
Whos spanish speaking
Made people want to Draw blood

Once got in Toe Cutter's Grill
that was a thrill

Then made Jax mad
That was really bad

When dicovered he had MPD
It caught the attention
Of Amelia G...


That is funny....

so good

[Raven0129]

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Bat Mobile?

Get in the Bat Mobile, Robin.

[sheramil]

There once was a farmer who was raising three daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered the late teens, the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date.

This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss. The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We're gonna get some spaghetti. Is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck... "

And the farmer shot him.

[TheQuietPlace]

Why did the computer scream?

Someone stepped on the mouse. Hahaha. God I love those jokes you find on popsicle sticks.

[Anarkey]

lol hy my names is Chuck lol

[Bondage Clown]

What did one Computer Slut tell the Computer Bitch?

Mac over needs to diconnect from the network, before I Give him a Virus he won't foget.

[Anarkey]

A guy walks into a cafe too grap a bite to eat,and ask the waitress for the hot chili. The waitress tells him "the guy next to ya got the last bowl".

he looks over to see the guy has finshed hes meal ,but the bowl of chili is still full? the man ask "hey you gonna eat that " ," no" the other repiled .go head and have it .

as the man is half way thur the bowl of chili ,hes fork hits something ..

he looks down and sees a dead mouse ,and promptly pukes all the chili back into the bowl....

the other guy says,, "ya thats as far as i got too"

[mmmcherry]

ewww dammit anarkey... ima puke... hahaa

[Anarkey]

opps ,,,,sorry

[Bondage Clown]

So this fat lady is walking down the street with a pig in her arms..

A guy walks up to them and says, " Hey where did you get?"


The pig replies, " I won her from the raffle at the carnival."

[Anarkey]

lol lmao

[Anarkey]

how does a physiologist change a light-bulb??


it's got to want to change....

[kshearsedriver]

two fleas walk into a bar......they drink and drink and drink..........until they are both totally sauced......the stumble out the door together and the first flea jumps off the curb and lands flat on his face in the street......he rolls over and looks up at his freind and says..........."dammit, sombody stole my dog"

[Bondage Clown]

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked him a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

[rodrigos666]

how many people is in the pub drinking the beer?

Non, coz it is sunny spain and they is drinking the beer under the veranda!!!

[rodrigos666]

how many chicas can rodrigos pull?

As many as rodrigos can!!

[rodrigos666]

(Which is a lot, i can pull a lot of senoritas)

[VoldtaEngler]

how many rodrigos does it take to pull on voldta's junk?

none, because even though rodrigos dream about it, bitches need not apply

[rodrigos666]

how many rodrigos does it take to pull on voldta's junk?

none, because even though rodrigos dream about it, bitches need not apply

i dont dream of the men, well one time when i was in the gym (bench pressing) there was one very muscular man called Roberto and ... but it was just admiration you know, he had a beautiful physique.

[Anarkey]

there;s a pirate ,hes first mate and a Rodrigos666,and there all stranded in a live boat with a rum barrel..

The pirate say's ive not smell;ed the scent , r feel of a woman in neer 3 weeks now .ahrrrrrrr..

the first mate say;s ,,Aye catpin,i know from where ye be acomin from!

The Rodrigos666 says ,humm ive never had a woman whats it like ,..
So the Capt. explains, Ye see that ther barrle over yonder ther.. Ahrrrr..
and he tells the first mate too get in the barrel..

now ye go's over and put yer man hood in the barrel hole ..
the Rodrigos666 is amazed by the feel of it all ,,, and is soon shootin his load all over the place ....


The Capt say Now what be ye asayin.. Ahrrrrr...

The Rodrigos666 days ,that was the best thing i ever felt ...i could do that all week !..

the Capt say Ahrr. ya can now can ye...but not on sundays ... ahrrrr...

The Rodrigos66 says but why not on sundays ??

too witch the Captin replied ,Cuss that be yer day in the barrel you cock suxer AHRRRR!

[Pull~My~Hair]

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing,"! he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

[Lady Alias]

Lol, awful XD

[angelunderfire]

heres a bad pick up line.....excuse me miss, not trying to make a pass but u must be leaving the country is your packing that much ass ...oh oh heres a another one .....can i hang out here till its safe where i farted...

[Anarkey]

Hey Rodgrigos ,, remember your first blowjob?



???? no ???

How'd it taste!

[Pull~My~Hair]

There were these two guys sitting in a bar and enjoying their drinks. They were talking about their favorite position while having sex.
" What position do you like best when you have sex?"
" I like the rodeo position."
" What the hell is the rodeo position?"
" Listen carefully. You can only do it once with your wife so try to enjoy it. You get your wife on all fours and you get behind her and you start fucking her doggie style. When she is really into it and starts havin fun, put all your weight on her back without using your hands and whisper into her ear: " This is your sister’s favorite position too!" Then try to stay on top with no hands for ten seconds!"

[Anarkey]

Lol

[malcolm]

(saw this on carlos mencia the other night)

q>why did the fifteen year old mexican chick get pregnant?
a>her teacher told her to do an essay.

[Anarkey]

Whats Green and smells like pork ..



Kermit the frogs finger..

[kshearsedriver]

this little mushroom was sitting in class one day just cutting it up , telling jokes, being disruptive, making the rest of the students laugh and not pay attention to the lesson, so the instructor sent him to the principals office......he walk up the hall to the principals office and went in and sat and waited for the P to come out.......the principal came out and asked him why he had been sent to the office .......the little mushroom responded "i guess it's just because i'm a fun guy"

[Vitorro]

A letter from Wal-Mart

Letter:

Mrs. Fenton, our store is considering banning your family from ever
shopping with us unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a
list of offenses over the past few months all verified by our
surveillance cameras.

MEMO
Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - 15 Things Mr.
Bill Fenton has
done while his spouse/partner is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off
at 5-minute intervals.


3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading
to the res t rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of
M&M's on lay away.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the
bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins
to cry and asks Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
asked the clerk if he knows where the
antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming
the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his
"Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people
browse through, yelled PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: During a loud speaker announcement, he assumed the
fetal position and screamed, "NO! NO!
It's those voices again!"



15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited
a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in
here!"

[malcolm]

this guy owned a gas station and one day, while he was making his rounds to the gas stations he owned, he came across a fellow standing beside his gas station pale as a sheet and looking afraid for his life. curious, he went into the gas staiton and asked the attendent aboutt he guy

the attendent: oh him? he came in complaining about a cold and since we didnt have any cold stuff I gave him a box of exlax.

the owner of the station: exlax?!?!?! that wont cure a cold!

the attendent: I dont know if it'll cure it but he sure hasnt sneezed since he took 'em.

[Bondage Clown]

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250 to spend the night with that woman."


Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and said, "I'll take you up on that offer."


She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.


The following morning the man presented her with $125 as he prepared to leave.


She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125, I'll sue you for it."


He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."


Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.


His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."


After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."


The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, which he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."


The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed; he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."


In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125 or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."


The defendant immediately wrote a check.